I've been with my bg for 3 (since i was 20) years soon to be 4. We have a good relationship but there's something that bothers me. My bf does not care for my parents very much. He dislikes how they've done some things to me in the past but now that has apparently weighted heavily on whither he'll marry me or not. Several months ago he told me that we would already be married if it wasn't for my parents cuz of what he thinks for future in laws and grandparents. Meanwhile, he thinks they'll be butting into our lives like really bad in laws which is not true. For me all this was news especially how we would already be married. I dont know what to make of it but we do love eachother and are good friends. I know that my folks would never do anything of the sort but only ask to visit here and there, nothing else. I really do want to marry him. Lately, he's also doing this weird ' i love you but marriage is and has been optional' which wasn't the case before so i'm confused. Any advice or suggestions in what to do?
There's always a reason why someone doesn't like somebody. Do your parents really treat you badly? Do they ever treat him bad? If you are close to your family, well he doesn't really have a choice but to accept your family. Otherwise, then he's just making an excuse not to marry you and string you along. It does happen though when guys do that. So make sure what the real reasons are.
well like i said before all these things of what my folks did were in the past. Like how i never went to high school which 'damaged' me socially so i dont really interact with people as much. My folks treat him decently without any issues but like he refuses to stay around my parents unless i'm there, he won't come by my house if my folks are there so i now have to go to see him which bothers me as well or the few times i had to move to different apartments he would not carpool with my dad to help him, help me move out since my dad is becoming frail. He just straight up dislikes them meanwhile i dont have any real issues with his folks, except that his mom is annoying and that his dad doesn't care for me that much cuz of a one time disagreement. So now i feel awkward trying to talk to him but his mom i'm fine with. I don't understand why would someone string me along like this? Can you please further explain? Not to mention, that he did promise to marry me when we both feel ready due to certain reasons, which i don't feel comfortable saying on here but he always keeps his promises but since we almost had a breakup a few weeks ago. I am nervous bout how i may **** up the relationship but then i try to not worry.
What was the reason behind this "almost breakup"?
excuse me, what right does he have to tell you that you are "socially damaged"? do you really want to be with someone who thinks so lowly of you? he is straight up telling you that you aren't good enough. your parents had every right to make a decision that they felt was in your best interests by not sending you to public school, and if he truly loves you and who you are then why would he say there is something wrong with what they did? he obviously is insecure and needs to make himself feel powerful by saying there is something wrong with how you turned out. everyone's got issues, and in true love people don't put each other down. you also must not have very much confidence if you believe him.
honestly, girl, this sounds like an unhealthy, codependent relationship. he sounds like a controlling guy and you sound like you are too afraid of learning to be independent and doing things for yourself, so you hang on desperately to him so you won't be alone. that is all wrong. you can't have a healthy relationship with two incomplete people. no matter how much you give and give to make him happy, you can never fill the void he has inside himself for lack of independent confidence, and he can't do it for you either. he uses you for a sense of control and power in his life because he doesn't get it from elsewhere. you are using him for a sense of self-worth.
you need to stand up to him and tell him to stop trying to run your life. making you feel guilty for who you are or for visiting your parents, and trying to isolate you from the people who raised you and who love you/you love, is absolutely ridiculous. if you don't stand up to him and let him continue, your life will be miserable. you will always be fighting in your mind and with him trying to defend both sides. he is wrong, here. stand up for yourself and stop letting him try to run your life and make you feel bad about yourself and where you come from. seriously. i married a man like that for almost 6 years and it nearly cost me my identity. i was just like you. you won't have friends, hobbies, or a life outside of him. it's not healthy, and you won't be happy.
he's stringing you along because he wants to control you and mold you into his "perfect" submissive mate, and he knows that something has to give, either you will give in or he will. he's counting on it being you and your relationship with your parents. but honestly, i think he is just a bully. i believe that if you stood up to him and told him that he needs to get over it and deal with your parents or you're leaving him, he is so co-dependent on you for his feeling of control that he would have an outburst and make you think he is never speaking to you again, then come running back. you need not be worried or nervous about **** up the relationship. do what makes you happy, and if he can't live with it then **** him.
here are two wise posts i found on this site that might mean something to you, as they did to me:
"You should want to spend time with your significant other. Needing them can be a sign that your not ready to deal with things you need to deal with to develop as a mature independent person. Hiding in your love can be an addiction to escape the things you really know you need to get done and be doing."
"IMAGINE WHAT IF HE WAS NEVER IN YOUR LIFE...WHAT WOULD YOU DO?....DO IT!
take care, and good luck.
hi, well from my experience men only care about them selves and always will he will only marry u when he wants to not when u want proberly cause he is scared to marry cause he knows thats it men are only scared and selfish in ure case i hope he is a better man then that.