alcoholic husband wants to change. I'm too tired!

My husband of 6 years is an alcoholic and is constantly looking to escape from his reality. I finally moved out a couple of weeks ago, and boy have I had some realizations since then! Our two children, ages 2 and 5, have been suffering for years while he drank himself to sleep every night. He has deep-seated emotional issues that I did not realize were so severe when I married him. (We only dated for 2 months before marriage. Big Mistake!) He says he wants to change now and work on our marriage, do counseling and all those things I have been asking him to do for years. My problem is that I think I am DONE. The name-calling, accusations, neglecting our children, complete breaches of trust have done me in... I feel like our marriage was a mistake, that I was foolish, and those things he told me about himself and who he was, everything was a lie. He is a broken man, confused, constantly telling me I never loved him, and that's why we are in this mess. I thought he was strong and compassionate, and he is not that. I want to try to save the marriage only for the kids, but with the way I feel, counseling seems silly and I don't want to be with someone so weak and abusive and controlling. Anyone else been in this situation? He is not a bad person, just very confused and not wanting to deal with the pain of his childhood and past.

You owe it to yourself to see the man he can become if he does sort himself out. IF you thought he was strong and compassionate then it means that you have seen it in him before, and imagine the possibilities as a husband and as a father if he does manage to get sober.

Being a wife or girlfriend of an abusive alcoholic is tough. Mine left me because I was that way, so I take it personal when I see stories like this. All I can say is, again, you owe it to yourself to see if he can do it because of the time invested that was put into him and the marriage.

If he is serious, let him at least try. Be there for him because without support he won't make it. Whether you can believe it or not, alcholism is a disease that is not hard to keep in check. If he was dying of cancer would you let him die alone?

Thanks for your advice, but I feel like we have too much emotional baggage. I can't stand to be around him. He is totally controlling and insecure, I can't be myself at all, feel like I have been living in a prison for a few years.

He has never been helpful with the children, would go so far as to yell at me if I asked him for help in the middle of the night when they were infants. I have been single parenting since our children were born.

I understand alcoholism is considered a disease, but it has emotional roots. You may be able to conquer the alcoholism, but I feel that his ideals are so far from what I want (he has strayed so far from being a good person) I don't know that he will ever see and understand what I need to be happy. What was modeled for him in his abusive childhood has been repeated for his own children. So sad!

I am so disappointed at what we have modeled as a "relationship" for our children, and I fear that he will revert if I take him back. I don't want to live in fear anymore. He still tells me I need to make the counseling appointment, but I have done everything for him in our marriage, and am still waiting for him to show he has some care by doing things for himself (and us).

I took the children and left him for two months this summer, filed separation papers, and was ready to be done. He convinced me he had changed and to give him "one more" chance. So I came back and gave him three more chances before I moved out. Still drinking, breaking laws, smoking pot, verbally abusing, neglecting the children. How long am I supposed to put up with the abuse?
Now he wants us back, and is trying to do the right things. He is so depressed I can't stand to be around him. I am ready to be a better, happier person, don't think I can wait to see if he is for real this time. Ugh. Terrible. I dread seeing him because all he wants to do is talk about us around the children, he is so self-absorbed!

Thanks for your perspective, it gives me something to consider, I wish this weren't such a common story. It is fraught with so much pain, I feel the only way for me to move on is without him.

I didn't get my point across as well as I wanted.

When I say being supportive of him I don't necessarily mean having to be around him. I don't think it's right for you have to be around him, getting abused, while he "fixes" himself and then uses that as an excuse. I didn't mean move right back in.

I can put myself in this situation rather easily, and as you said, if its over then its over. If you have nothing to give then hey, do whatever it is you need to do.

My situation ran down like this: I moved out. I started seeing a counselor and I really wanted her support. She took it as me wanting to move back in and declined. I didn't realize this until recently and that is not what I meant. By support, I mean't maybe going with me to see the counselor, and maybe seeing me in a setting that was healthy and progressive to both me beating the alcoholism and getting the relationship back on track...a setting where she got to see me without a drink in my hand and still be able to have fun with me and remember the fun person I was.

Thats what I mean by being supportive. Maybe talk to him. Let him know, if you are willing, that you can be there for him, help him, but you are not ready to be with him and you could only go so far, because as you mentioned, he hasn't been portraying a father or husband in a very long time. Tell him he has to take steps to make you believe he is serious.

I just think, if he is serious, and he does get better and becomes the man you did fall in love with(I am assuming) then you would be doing yourself and your family a great injustice if you dont "wait" it out. You can still protect yourself and your children and still be there for him.

Edit: BTW, mine decided that she would support me in words only. She never truly supported me the way she claimed she would and it was that much harder to go get counseling. I am still battling it to this day, but I am getting better. I fall but I get back up and I am proud of myself. The downside? I can never forgive her for basically abandoning me and our life together because she couldn't see the big picture. She claimed she loved me yet she couldn't help me by being there for me?

You have history, good and bad, and children. Think about it. It's a long hard road out of hell, but if you guys can make it, just imagine how plentifull and blissful your life can be?

Hello, I too have a husband and am in the same situation. I have been married for almost 20 years. I have five children, 17, 16, 11, 5 and 3.
I too saw my husband has being a warm and loving man. He too also has many things from his childhood that contribute to him being angry, moody, controlling and I am so tired. I didn't realize when I married him that his drinking and back round would effect everything. I was young and had no clue.
I will tell you this, I see the outcome of my children and dealing with this since they were little and now my oldest is getting ready to graduate from high school. It is so hard for them to deal with it. I wish I would have put my foot down and gave him the choice way back when they were younger. You are doing the right thing while they are young.
I do think you need to give him a chance to change. This is the father of your children and even if it takes a while with therapy, prayer and hope, it's worth it. Your kids are worth it.
I am getting ready myself to give my husband "the choice". I have to, my kids love there dad and need him. Remember alcoholism is a disease and if your husband was terminally ill..would you abandon him or take care of him?

Thanks so much for your advice and suggestions. I am going to try therapy with him, see how it goes. I feel SO much anger towards him and myself right now, I can't stand the thought of him.

I had a wonderful childhood,my parents are still happily married, and I am so sad that I haven't been able to provide for my children the simplest things I had as a child - unconditional love, peace and quiet, nice neighborhood, support and kindness all the time. Their short lives have been so difficult.

I suppose I blame him for ruining my life(though I was there this whole time.) I can't believe what has happened. He has made so many bad choices, and I thought "if I just support him, everything will be okay." He has a right to make his own mistakes, he never listened to my advice anyway!

I feel in my heart this person is not my soulmate and there is someone better suited to my personality and ideals out there. I feel that I am better than all this pain and misery (though feeling superior to someone else is not a good thing). Our children are my first priority, which is what gave me the guts to move out in the first place, and I can't expect them to be functional adults if their parents are stuck in a toxic relationship. Counseling I will try, but I feel the cause is lost. My heart is broken, I have no desire to heal it for him, only myself and our children. The kindness and strength I believed he had were a total farce. He never had a close relationship in his life, now I understand why. Bummer

And how you feel is another good reason to see a counselor. Your anger, while justified, is so intense that you really need to get to the heart of it so that you can start healing...for yourself and children.

You struck a cord with me when you said he is "self-absorbed." That is exactly what he is. I am not saying he is a bad person. He is a very sick person that is crying for help. A lot of the time there is an underlying issue from their childhood that needs to be dealt with. I am going through this right now as we speak. My husband lost his brother when he was 7 and was depressed for so many years and told me he turned to alcohol to make himself feel better, and now we are here today. My husband moved out yesterday because I put my foot down and do not want the accusations and abuse that his drinking is my fault or the kids fault. I have been tons of reading on alcoholism. They are very insecure, self-absorbed immature people that are hurting inside. I enrolled myself into counseling three months ago because I thought I was the problem, and after I figured out through the pastor and counselor that our problems stemmed from the alcohol and that he had a disease, I changed my tune, there was a lot less fighting in the house. I am more compassionate. I have prayed a lot, am doing the "Love Dare" together, read books by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, highly recommend, alcohol literature, am going to Al-Anon and attended AA meetings. I love my husband because through all this he is a wonderful man, and I am sure your husband is, too. The point I am trying to make even though he has moved out to think about thinks, and hopefully he will check himself into treatment, as that is what we want for him, I still tell him we love him and are praying for him. Men like this hate to see you getting better because they become intimidated that you will find better. Do whatever it takes so you know you have tried everything, and remember your husband is a very immature, sick man with a disease that he cannot control on his own. He really does love you, but the disease brings the worst out of them. Please keep trying. Get yourself better, and he will become better. Even though my husband moved out for the time being, I know he has made strides toward recovery. He is being stubborn, but we know he will eventually surrender because we have shown him lots and lots of compassion. I turned my struggles over to God to deal with because I could no longer handle it on my own. God Bless you because it is not an easy journey.

I finally left my alcoholic boyfriend of 4 years after helping him get out of a crime caused by his so called disease which would have left him with huge fines.
Four years of broken promises and lies not to mention the vile name calling and other forms of abuse,its not a disease its pure selfishness and down right cruelty,think about it,if alcoholics had a shred of decency they would keep their addiction out of the lives of innocent children for a start but they don't because they don't care.
Ultimately they have a choice and if they are too lazy and selfish they will choose booze so I finally realized how weak and pathetic that choice is and that really he did not care for my life at all.
My heart hurts and my self esteem is nil however I feel a great sense of freedom which gives me the strength to stay away from him and stay single until I have found myself again.
I say leave while you can, don't take any more chances life really is short,let them choose their addiction or to quit its their life after all and you choose what you want which for most people is peace as life is already hard enough as it is and stop all this nonsense about the kids needing their father,they are not being fathers they are being selfish addicts doing more harm than good.

Alcoholism is a disease appartly you have not cared enough to do anyrearch. Everyone has to decide what they want to work on, salvage or put up with. Looks like you made yours and good for you. You wern't even married, so why put up with it 4 years? If you stick around it's because there is hope. Not all are in your situation.

Wouldnt marry him until he quit drinking and he didn't.Moved out after 2 years because his drinking was gravely affecting my son and I.He has 3 small children all neglected because of his drinking.I stayed with him for another 2 years because I believed his grand stories of sobriety.
I did so much research that I could write my own book.As well as my own experience I learnt that the thinking of an alcoholic is different and its called 'I am the centre of the universe and I am more important than you lot so piss off because I want to drink!'
On another level they love that we have all been convinced that they have a disease because it gives them more time to be drunk.You don't think that they don't know that if they stopped drinking that the lives of all of those people around them would be so much more pleasant!They know that but if they stopped drinking their lives would be so much more boring!
I really believe that those of us who know what it is like living in hell need to be encouraging each other to move out of hell and move on and leave them to be with their one true love.Not only that the chances of them hopping on the wagon become greater and if they don't the chances of our lives becoming better is greater.

Oh yeh I stuck around because I love him and still do and I stuck around because I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I stuck around because I knew that if he stopped drinking and after some time and hard work life would be better for all of us,I stuck around because I wanted to marry him,what has marriage got to do with it any way?Then I realized that I could be sticking around for another 20 years or it might only be 1 month but I just couldnt take any more chances and I was exhausted, we are all in the same situation or have been in the same situation and that situation is very unpleasant,unfair and dangerous.
I decided to leave him to his bottle and I am so much more better for it and I encourage others to do the same especially if there are children are involved.

hope you find what you need, I will no longer read or respond.

I have found what I need,a life without a self absorbed, selfish, mean ,arrogant and abusive alcoholic.
I truly hope that you and all those other women in abusive relationships find what you need too,meanwhile I will continue to preach this:"Dump the immature,weak pieces of shit,your time is much too valuable!!!"

This is sooo true... it's such an energy thief. The disease has a lot of advantages to it... life would be too boring without it (for the alcoholic)

firstly to Motherof5

alcholism is not a disease....its an addiction...

Diseases are something you catch and alot of the time are not your fault.....I drink....and I am not addicted....

some people have addictive natures...hence smokers,drugs,alchohol

its all very well saying she needs to support him etc etc....but he has to want to change for himself as well as his family

from what I have read he wsnt willing to change...

I love your honesty! Dump him, reclaim yourself! Most women in alcoholic relationships are love addicts - when we look at our own sickness we don't have time to try to fix someone else's - unless they are our children under the age of 16 they are none of our buiness! Move on towards your Self!

Run and dont look back... for your kids sake as well.
if your gut is telling you.. you are doing the right thing.. I was a married to an abusive Alcholic for 17 year. He almost died because of it literally. he ended up in ICU.. .. but I stuck by hoping that he would get it.. well after rehab several time. detox. AA arrests. protective ordes. He still hasn't gotten it. He has chosen drinking over all else in cluding his daughter. I never see a dime.... I had hope that he would change but.. unless they want to . they wont.
He has now really damaged his thinking to the point that he cant deal with real life....
All I know is I can breath now... our nights are calm.
I have friends again !!. and a little life... Somthing I had lost because of him.... except that he cant leave me alone .. He was dong great for about 5 months. but fell off again about 4 weeks ago and thinks I ruined his life !!. I just dont answer the calls... but keep them recorded..

Dont wait around. Life is too short.. to spend it trying to fix a broken toy !!!!

Yes. I agree..
I found out that I had a heart condtion.. and I would be dammed that If I had to go. I wanted to go some what happy.
and most importanlty. I need to teach my daughter that this was not the way for a family to live. I pray that she doesnt end up with someone like her father and repeat the abusive patterns...

She needs a good role model for a Dad. inorder for her to find a healthy realionship someday of her own....

he has to do it for himself, you have to take care of your kids and self first. go to alanon?

been in your position with a child, alcoholic drug addict, spent 10 years pleading, threatening etc, nothing worked in the longrun but kicking him out. now he's sober and after 3 years we are going to try again.

i have no expectations of him, just rules i will not allw myself to do the same things again. alanon is a good place to start and if he goes to aa go to meeting with him.

YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM CHANGE! he has to hit his bottom before he makes his own decsions.

you should get him to get help from a dr. or psyciatrist, he may need antidepressants (alcohol makes them thing stupid things, blame you for everything, they think you are out to drive them away, hurt them etc, theier logic is twisted cause of the alcohol, the more they drink, the worse they get and the more aggessive or nasty they act towards theier best friends/partner/wife). the other thing he may need is help with undiagnosed ADD (attention defisit disorder), in 99% if alcohol or drug abusers it's underlying, if he gets treatment for those two things he will be able to cope a little better.

my ex is on antidepressants, off alcohol but still smokes pot. once he's treated for add he will be able to cope bettrer and iwth treatment he will be able to eliminate the pot as well. it's all about self medication in many of htese casese.

look up adult ADD or ADHD and you might find an alternate route you can take if hubby is worth it (as freind above put it. (dr hallowell has done great work/books on adult add, google him).

best of luck!

this is for vegasvargas:

Your ex doesn't owe you a thing...neither does this woman owe her abusive husband her life or energy in helping him to overcome his problems.

He has been ABUSIVE and she has every right and RESPONSIBILITY to protect her children and herself!

You didn't pay attention to anything she said. She's had it with him and his addiction! She needs to move on.

No one who is in an abusive relationship owes her/his abuser anything but the MIRROR OF LIFE. His personal work belongs to HIM, NOT HER.

Resenting your ex for leaving you to do YOUR WORK alone is entirely INAPPROPRIATE resentment.

No one should put up with abuse for any reason, especially if there's children involved! LEAVING AN ABUSER IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. The children have already been subjected to too many damaging scenes that can destroy their futures. How dare you suggest that they continue to be subjected to it?

Whether or not he gets well is HIS WORK, not hers and especially not her children's job.

My ex is off his rocker... Need another protective order.. dont wait.. they are sick horses. and shoudl be put down......

I am about to leave my alcoholic husband of 5 years, I have seen the negative affects it has had on my child and our children together. He is emotionally stunted and honestly he drinks to get away from life. I thought my being a counselor, I would know he was an alcoholic but he hid it well until I had my first child with him and it only got worse when we had our second. I thought maybe with the jail time he did and with him almost losing me once when I kicked him out, that he would have sobered up and realized that alcohol is whats messing his life up, no, it has not. For my children and especially my daughter; I do not want them to think that this is what life should be like, its not healthy and its not something one should stand for. My advice is, he can sober up and fix himself on his own if he truly wants too and then once he has been sober for more than a year, try counseling. I recommend you and your children get counseling on your own though, as I too am headed into, counselors need counseling too. It is a traumatic life caused by this disease, the same as physical abuse, mental abuse is just as scarring.

I feel like I could have written this post myself. For some reason, yesterday seems to have been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back for me. It wasn't any different from any other day... he got home from work around three, was drunk by five, puking by seven and passed out by 7:30, leaving me to explain to the kids that daddy is sick and he's sorry he hurt you when he was trying to play with you and I don't know why he yelled at you to stop crying and said he didn't really hurt you.

Nothing he has done has changed -- I think I'm the one who has finally changed and realized that I don't have to play this stupid game anymore. I don't have to walk on eggshells. I don't have to worry about how much he drinks. I don't have to lie to the kids about why their father acts the way he does. I'm finally ready to go. I have a plan in place. I'M DONE.