in 2009 we met and instantly felt a conection and ever since then weve been inseperable. he was such a good guy to me. ive never been so loved by someone before. it was hard to believe bcos he was known as the ‘player’ but once we got together that totally flew out the window (& keep in mind im not some crazy b who is indenial about everything) he was the ideal boyfriend. a lot of people were jealous of our relationship. 

stupid me i took it for advantage 2 years into it. i messed up. and he didnt even want me back. but i begged and begged for him and he finally realized that i really want this relationship. so he took me back on some circumstances. once we got back on track. he wasnt sweet anymore. i mean he was nice but no more like bringing me flowers and all the cutsey stuff bfs do. 

ever since then til now ive been waiting for the bf i fell in love with in 2009. but its just not coming back. but he still it such a good bf to me. just yaknow not sweet and caring as before. idk if i should break up with hom bcos its really getting to me everyday. like.. “do i want to marry someone who treats me like im not hos first priority? do i want to wake up everyday feeling like this” and so on. i think its bcos my parents are soooo in love til this day. i see an example of what i wna see my future. 

i just dont know if im over reacting. or idk. 

i really hope this makes sense. i hope someone can relate to me in a way. i really need advice. i hate stressing my bf bcos im unhappy everyday. i want to be with him and marry hom cos i know what his love is capable of doing. and i want that in a husband /long term bf. someone help me. 

i need to know what to now. me and my GF broke up awhile ago. she never realy gave me an answer as to why just that she wanted to… but i know why and i did before. simply because of three things. one i wasn’t around as much as i was before i was busy and always really late to see her, she was always as early as can be, i was between jobs, and i smoked. we never fought besides twice. both times i was being childish and made her cry for something so stupid. i hated my self for them right after and didn’t dwel on them after the break. we where very much in love. everyday we where with each other was awesome. but i didn’t show her really that i wanted her forever and thats what she wanted. she wanted me for ever and when i niglected her for the bit i did. (have good reasons) and after that last time i was being childish i planted the seed of break up. OOPS i can track down every signal every sign everything to them three things and that one fight. and she didn’t even fight back she just cried and i let her cry. why did i do that. anyway its over now. besides 2 fights it was all good. so we broke up a day too soon. the next day i got a call from a job i wanted, quit smoking and really wanted to be open with her. she wanted to see each other but i decided on the no contact thing rather then it turning into a despret thing on my part. the pros of no contact seemed to be very high. and i needed the time to work everything out so when i saw her again all this would be better and she could see me under a brighter light. so now im a new man and it’s here to stay. she messaged me today. she wanted to congrat me on the new job and said something about a small 20$ bill i owed on our last bill. she has money and if she wanted nothing to do with me she would just have paid it and said nothing to me. what do i do? i can turn it into a meet up. and if i do what do i do to show her all the new things in my life?how long should i let her hang before messaging her back?

courtesy of joshua m. Neff

My husband is an auto body mechanic. My husband’s ex girlfriend comes from a large family. She has a few sisters and her parents are still alive. She has two daughters, as well.

Now, here’s the problem. Believe me I’m not exaggerating. Every other week, someone in her family has a car accident which involves damage to the body of a car.  Every time this happens, my husband’s ex calls him and asks him if he could either pick up the car from her house or if she could drive the car down to his shop.  Today, she called my husband and told him that one of her two daughters had a major car accident yesterday with a brand new Jeep for which she had paid $33,000 (with a car loan, of course). My husband tells me that this particular daughter is a bad driver. Well, for crying out loud, if she is such a bad driver, how does she manage to get these car loans when all she does is wreck cars?

The whole thing is beginning to make less and less sense to me as time elapses. Considering that she had told me two weeks before our wedding that, when she lost my husband to me, she had lost the “love of her life”, I believe she is trying to come between me and my husband.

My ex-bf contacts me on a regular basis too. But, he always calls her or sends me instant messages when my husband is home. He wants to remain in contact with me because we’ve always been very close, but he doesn’t want to do anything behind my husband’s back.

She, on the other hand, NEVER calls him here at home.  She only calls him at his place of business. I asked him to suggest that she call him here, but she uses the excuse that she doesn’t want to bother him at home. My take: She just wants to maintain an independent relationship with my husband. And, the only way she knows how to get his attention is to either tell him she is dying of cancer or that she or a family member had wrecked another car.

It has gotten to the point of ridiculousness, if you ask me. I mean, how often can people have car accidents which involve BODY work? The awful part is that my husband doesn’t see the pattern… he doesn’t see that she is trying to get him back and that she is trying to come between us.

Even when she saw something about me on LinkedIn, a business networking site, she made some off the cuff remark about the nature of my “business” - aside from being a foreign language teacher, I’m a pianist/vocalist, implying that I might be a closet stripper!!!!

I’ve already mentioned on this site that my husband and I have sexual issues caused by his excessive watching of porn and also by what I call his “perfectionism.” He finds it impossible to make love to me unless I position myself in the same position every single time we have sex. And, sometimes I don’t quite get it right and nothing happens. It makes me wonder if, although he and I are attracted to each other and enjoy each other’s company immensely, if something is going on between him and his ex. He totally denies that he and she are still intimate, but I often wonder. I know I’m somewhat insecure, but, considering the fact that he and I have sexual problems and considering the fact that she constantly has car problems, I really have to wonder about things.

Have you ever heard of a situation like ours? I’d welcome any comments you might have.

‌

courtesy of orsorama

‌Men and their porn, part two.

Porn is a big problem.

“Guys watch porn and that’s just the way it is.” Men’s porn watching tendencies are acceptable, and at least tolerated by society as a whole. Just like coffee, or alcohol its something that is not good to consume in large quantities, and ok to have once in a while is the accepted thought.

Men also have a tendency to “Rubberneck” which is what happens when something sexy walks past or is posted on the wall in a bikini and we just have to look. Throughout the years we know men do this, and porn is part of this. Really it wasn’t a big problem until it became convienient and super avaliable.

Let me explain why porn is bad for humans and more importantly internet porn.

Our brains have reward centers and these centers help regulate what we do. If we are hungry, our brain gives is shots of dopamine when we find food and eat. Our reward center then floods our brain with dopamine, we feel satiated because we found the food, ate it, and now feel better and don’t feel the need… the urge to eat more.

With sex, the system works in the same way. We have an instinct to copulate. When we see a pretty girl, we get shots of happy chemicals. These chemicals help us to keep trying for the girl until we have sex. Our reward center jumps in after sex (****) and tells us we are “full” and don’t need anymore sex.

What does this have to do with porn?

Porn just gives happy shots of dopamine. It gives a short high, and because the next pretty girl, or next Stimulating sex godess is just a click away… We keep clicking getting the next high, after high, after high. Over time, this is retraining our brain to bypass our internal reward system. While watching porn we never get to the real act of sex for copulation. Our reward systems never gets the chance to tell us we are full. Pretty soon our brain is just built to find the next, most stimulating thing.

What does this look like in real life?

Now because your guy is in hiding and alone watching his porn, he is losing his ability to be with a person during intimacy because while watching porn alone there is no intimacy.

Some have tried to solve this by watching porn with their partner. This is admirable and really, if there’s no other way to solve this because “men watch porn and that the way it is” then this is probably the best you can do.

I have to say that its too little too late, like putting a band-aid on the stump left behind when an arm is cut off.

His brain is wiring itself to seek out more, new and better visual stimulation and no woman can provide this unless her head is 19 inch LCD computer screen, and her hand is the mouse with clickable buttons. Watching porn with your partner will work for a little while. It would be best to try to get him off the porn though if you want to save a love live.

He will eventually suffer problems of ED, if watches enough porn he will also have raised anxiety levels and this partly causes the “performance anxiety” we feel in bed with a partner. He watches enough porn that he just can’t get it up when the real deal is sitting on his lap! There is not enough New New New going through his dopamine built neuropathways that he has built up over the years.

Any woman can compete with a sexy girl in a sexy image. Women are sexy! :). (I like women!)

No woman can compete with a brain that been rewired for ever increasing sexual stimuli… That is unless you can reach into his head and switch those darn pathways around!

The bypassing of the reward centers and the elevated happy chemical search that a brain on porn is building itself for is a formidable opponent. There is no pill that will cure it.

Often men will enter their doctor’s office and complain that they can’t get it up for sex with their wife. The doctor checks to see if his little jimmy works, and it usually does because he can get aroused while masturbating. Hes actually really good at that at this point. :). So the doc says to him to eat better, get more excercise and gives him some blue pills. Most guys dont notice anything is wrong until their jimmy stops working.

Unless there is something physically wrong with the ****, it should work. If this is the case, then why are more and more men having trouble with how it works? The men are getting younger too. ED is being found in teens and young adults, usually people who have grown up with high-speed internet.

Coincidence?

Think again.

I have a lifetime of porn use. Most men do in some way. Mine started with magazines, moved to VHS, then DVDs and later in life to the internet. I have an edge though, I have been having sex with real people throughout my life, and the magazines, and DVDs don’t have a webbrowser where I can tab and click to see the next most stimulating thing and the next and the next.

I actually had to look at a picture and fantasize.

With the internet, I don’t even have to do that anymore. I just go to my favorite scene, or the the scene that stimulates me most and then I can get my high. I don’t have to think about what the sex process would be and how I would go about it if I met her in real life.

None of the touching, none of the words none of the inimacy that are required for having sex with a person is available while browsing. Internet porn just gives me stimulation, stimulation, stimulation after exhausting stimulation.

For guys who watch a lot of porn, or have grown up on internet porn have no pathways built up in their brain where they are stimulated by a woman’s touch, her stare, her smell which are all part of lovemaking. They can’t get their jimmies to work for them during something that’s called sex.

Also, this there comes a point in watching porn where a guy just can’t get it to work anymore even while watching porn. They can’t get an ****, and can’t ****.

This is when our brain has hit its max stimulation point and the next new thing just doesn’t do what it used to do anymore. But the urge is still there to do it, because the brain now knows only one way to act on the urge to procreate with a brain built on porn: click, click, click rub rub rub.

What do we do about all this?

Quit the porn.

Sounds easy, but its like taking food from an over eater. Its like taking crack away from an addict. Porn is so accepted in most societies that artificial sexual stimulation is used in ads, its in the strip club, its on our phones, our laptops, its on the stand at the corner store, its passed from a buddy at work, its on calenders, its in our newspapers…. Its everywhere! At least with crack, you have to find a dealer that’s hiding from the law.

You have to quit the porn.

For men who have had regular sex with a real person throughout thier lives they seem to respond quicker after quitting the porn. They are usually back to full strength within a couple of months. Its longer for men who have gone without a sex partner while viewing internet pornograghy. This all depends as well as the degree they’ve been artificially stimulated and the length of time. All in theory, are able to be rewired though.

You have to reboot the brain. Shut off the porn, stay away from masturbation until the brain realizes it has to change.

You have to replace the artificial stimulation with the real thing.

This means a process has to take place and its a long one because you are trying to build new neuropathways while letting the porn ones get weaker. Its not like taking a pill and in a few days or hours its fixed. Its a lot of time and energy from his partner. Lots of touching and lots of gentle sex which goes against what we men have been taught by porn to do in bed and also pressure by women who want the touching, and the performance.

Oh! The anxiety!

By the way, using the pills help if you give up porn. If you don’t, the pills are only making the situation worse to the point where the pills won’t even work anymore and you aren’t noticing just how bad its getting.

Quitting porn sounds easy, I thought it sounded easy, but its ingrained in the male culture, and now its ingrained in society. Everyone says its ok for a guy to look at porn. His peers even say that he’s not a real virile man if he doesn’t watch it. (doesn’t like to look at pictures/videos of a pretty naked woman)

I am asked to visit the strip club with guys from work. I say no, and get funny looks. Guys from work share girlfriend pics on their phone, and when I say no… I get the funny looks. When a guy shares some new found stimulation in porn, he wants to share it with ‘the guys’ and when I say no, the funny looks are there.

Get enough funny looks…. It just adds to the anxiety surrounding sex.

Your man is secretly in a bind if he’s watching porn. His viewing is part of what he’s been taught is what it is to be a man. He is supposed to perform in bed, and if there has been one single case of ED, then its all downhill if he doesn’t change his ways. He can’t perform when he should. This is mental anguish and only adds to more anxiety, which is a downward spiral.

I wanted to have an answer for you by the end of this on what to do to help make things better. The only thing I can think of is appeal to your man if he has performance anxiety, or at least one or two cases of ED to watch the videos below.

Hit ‘em where it hurts! Basically I’m saying that a man will not even consider this until he has problems with his ****. If he has had trouble with it, he is secretly dying inside. He migbt just be open to some education to make it all better.

I will leave links to videos about Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction by Doctor Oz. Its a step in the right direction and in the mainstream. Besides, how are we supposed to keep humans on the planet if nobody can have sex anymore?


Does Your Boyfriend Or Husband Watch Porn? Part One

Oh, mirror in the sky 
What is love?Can the child within my heart rise above? 
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? 
Can I handle the seasons of my life? 

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing 
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you 
But time makes you bolder 
Children get older 
I’m getting older too..

I love this song by Fleet wood Mac and especially the lines; “well, I’ve been afraid of changing - cause I’ve built my life around you”. Post break-up isn’t it the sudden change in our lives is what actually sets us back. We do want the person we love back in our lives, but more importantly we don’t want to let go a pattern of life that we’re already familiar with. We all know that life is much bigger than the moment that we’re presently focusing so ardently on; it’s just scary to completely release our past that we are well acquainted with in exchange of a future that we still don’t know so well about. The more we try to put the past behind our mind throws at us memories of our past relationship with more clarity. Our mind too tries to control a situation which truly is past our grasp or control. All of us seek to control our lives, and when we start losing this control a fear overcomes us because we’re not used to be entirely helpless. A break-up especially when you’re the one getting dumped puts you in that position. All of a sudden you’re at the end of a decision that a person took for you and moved on..Control can be regained but only on you - yourself - your mind and gradually your heart.

I’ve been in the ‘no-contact’ phase now since two months now. I would probably not be saying anything much different from what has already been said on this site through some wonderful blogs several times on the no-contact rule, but I do want to share my story, perhaps give a chance at gathering response and support from fellow readers who have maybe gone through a similar stage in life. 

My ex-boyfriend and I live in different towns. We broke up two months back. He just said it wasn’t working on phone and hung up on me after a minor argument (minor from my perspective). After that he stopped any form of communication with me- quite predictably I committed the cardinal mistakes of chasing him down; calling him up numerous times, sending him texts, leaving hysterical messages on his answering machine, for a while. Then after a few weeks of madness I decided to see a counselor at my college as I didn’t want my personal life to affect the course I am taking, and also my work, in short I wasn’t being able to manage the stress on my own. After taking my counselor’s advice I completely blocked my ex boyfriend. Today as I write this blog it’s been two months since I last made any form of contact with him, and I do believe that’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. It’s not that the no-contact period has been like walking down a red carpet, and I was lounging around sipping on a chilled can of beer basking in the sunshine as the two months flew by ( well, literally our snowfall here went until May ;). Each day of these months have been felt deeply by me, and brought me face to face with a range of emotions, many of which I wasn’t even aware of sometime back.

My ex started dating another girl within a week’s time, and within two weeks of our break up his Facebook status said in relationship ( yes I am guilty of stalking their Facebook pages, which did nothing but emotional damage especially when apps such as instagram take pictures that flash onto your face with this unusual brightness ;)). Jokes apart I’ve been through sort of hell in the last few months. I think it was more or less due to shock because it came at me so suddenly, and as there was no communication following it or before it with my ex - I’d no closure. Although, when I think back I question if a break up can be any better at all, and it was good in a way that he didn’t leave me an option to linger about it. 

 I primarily moved away from my ex absolutely to regain control over myself, and for my own mental sanity, to find that peaceful and content person that I truly am - and in my belief each person truly is or is getting there.

Somewhere, in the midst of the No Contact period I started reading all these articles on the possibility of your ex coming back to you because they miss you during the time you’re not in any form of contact with them. This surely did spur a hope in me. I went through this period of reading more of these articles floating all over the internet which would promise you that yes! your ex does return eventually when you start minding your own business..blah and blah. This and just trying to find something or the other about him and his now girlfriend on the net. I think of it now and I feel (in my opinion) that perhaps I go through these moments of obsessive thoughts about my ex and his life - when I try to find some piece of information on him on the net- or I try to find some form of write up that would give me some hope regarding getting him back- all of it stems from this sense of control that I’ve lost on him and his life.

When we’re going through a myriad of feelings after a break up, let’s say; guilt, grief, anger, pain, obsession, despair, panic - the very last emotion that we come across at the end of the tunnel is ACCEPTANCE. We decide to move ahead but our mind is still in this state of inertia. It can’t accept that someone we were so close to has by choice moved on. So, in some way or the other we try to find a sense of connection and control by trying to find any which way of contact with our ex, as in truth we don’t have any tangible form of connection with them anymore. 

It’s often asked how long should a No Contact should last and does it even bring your ex back. I am not going to say what has not been said before, but in my experience no contact is important, and it’s significant not because it’s a miracle strategy to bring your partner back, rather it is crucial for YOU yourself. It is necessary to redirect the energy that we unconditionally focus on our loved one to what should be our top most priority, and that is, ourselves. Move away from your boyfriend/girlfriend who is no longer with you for some reason or the other because you don’t have a control over their lives . What is under your control is YOU and the healing of this ‘you’ should always be your utmost priority. You can’t force a person to change his/her choice, or you can’t stop him from meeting the people he/she perhaps is destined to meet in his lifetime to learn lessons life wants to teach him/her. You can only change how you decide to cope with your present situation and your life by being patient with yourself, and what life intends to do to you.

The first month I started to actually back up I felt so drained out not only emotionally, but also physically. I still feel a sense of exhaustion from the last few months. My ex has moved on and I don’t have an idea of how he’s coping with it all, but what I know is he has not made an effort to communicate back with me, and he is with another person, those are the two facts I know for sure and that is how it is. Obviously I have analysed again, again and again about his intent, but where does it make me stand anyways. At the end of it all I am still healing from it, and yes I do feel a sense of exhaustion even now.

Thus, no contact is crucial in the way that it is so important to recuperate the energy that we don’t even realize that drains out of us in the chase and grief following the break up. You owe it to yourself to rest and get back the energy that you’ve invested unto someone that may/may not come back in the future. Go through a lag phase if required, cry, grieve, sleep for hours - give yourself that recuperation phase. One day you will get out of your slumber and walk ahead!

No contact has also made me realize that sometimes (it might not be true for all of us) in a relationship we forget other people who love us truly. It is when a relationship ends we seek help from either people who were always there with us and we undermined their love and support (such as family and old friends), or from people who we meet while looking for help (counselor, new friends). Even while in a relationship it is so important to nurture the other relationships you’ve around you - with your parents, friends, siblings…so on. It is natural to get concentrated on a relationship but why not diversify your energy into the other relationships that demand your attention too. Such that there are people you can rely on or fall back on when you’re jolted out of a single relationship.

What I am trying to say is that although it takes a lot of time to accept it but life is much more than a single person or relationship we chose to streamline all our energy on. I know it is much easier said than done but the lesson I’ve taken from all this is to learn to expand my interests, my mind and in the process my heart. To broaden my perspective and renew my interests. Enjoy life irrespective of having a person to love or not. I do have days on which I don’t want to do anything, or talk to anyone about what has happened - but there are days when I know I am moving ahead for certain not by jumping into a new relationship, but by focusing on that one person whom I’d forgotten to love, while I put all my love and interest on my ex, and that is me. I do miss my ex sometimes but I am not sure if I’d like to go back to that person who has not cared to ask all this time how am I..

I would end this blog by saying that if needed;

Cry a river

Build a Bridge over it

but do find the courage and the spirit in yourself to cross the bridge. Your ex might have moved on. He/s she might have taken away what you both shared but what they can’t take from you is your peace of mind - get there back now and regain it.

:)

I encourage you all to read this wonderful blog from another site :  

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

My question is, what does he need time to think about? Is it to see if he can live without me? To think about his own life? What happened to him on his travels alone? I’ve been reading other people’s posts and suggestions. I even found a website that said you can write him a letter about GOOD memories, and send it to him while he’s making his decision. What do you think of that? It’s been 5 days so far since we last texted.

Of course my heart hurts. I really thought he was the one for me. Luckily I have many friends who I can rely on and call when I feel like lashing out and emailing him or calling him, etc.

Any suggestions or ideas would help me get through this. Thank you.

a couple months ago.. I met this guy through a friend and we just started hanging out alot and everytime we hung out we just found more and more in common! He is funny easy going and he loves all my friends and we can all hang out together and my friends love him! We just  became really good friends! 

My boyfriend came over one day and decided he needed a break because he was “over whelmed” and he said he wont promise that he’s not going to hookup with people so I’m allowed to too! I was super upset so I started keeping myself busy and hanging out with friends! During this time I hung out with the other guy alot too because he was a really good friend and we ended up hooking up. he would text me every day talking about how much he’s starting to like me and how he would do anything for me and he takes care of me everywhere we go! Even after I told him I’m not looking to jump into another relationship he still stuck around and said I’m worth the wait! 

Now I’m torn apart because my boyfriend who is basically my first love came back saying he can’t take the break and that he wants to get back together while this guy is here for me through everything and he accepts me as I am And likes who I am and doesn’t try to change me! 

i really don’t know what to do anymore! :/