Boyfriend distant, not nurturing. I told him I needed "me" t...

I have several questions, as you will read along the way in my post. Sorry for the length of my post, I just have so many questions, and hope you can all help me with answers to them...


My boyfriend of 8 months can be very emotionally distant and not very soft/nurturing. He is a 40 year old business man (owns his own business) in accounting. So it's a dry/logical field of employment, where numbers are, of course, the primary focus. He works long hard days. While he can be funny (in a dry humor way), he is primarily a very logically driven person, kinda ocd about neatness and his life, he schedules everything, and likes to remain intellectually-based/logical.

I, on the other hand, and emotionally driven and expressive/feeling type person (I am logical too, but I speak most often from my heart). I love psychology, I'm very affectionate and I too love the intellectual aspect of things.

We have had terrific times together. I had sex with him into the first month of our relationship (perhaps too early - - but we also had had sex 22 yrs ago when we dated in high school and in first year of college, so I looked at it as a continuation of intimacy). I'm wondering, was I wrong to "give it up" so soon?

Anyway, he has told me that he "isn't ready for a serious relationship" and that he still needs to "get to know me". I feel that eight months should be enough time to know if one wants to be serious (particularly since we dated for 2 years twenty-two years ago, so it'snot like we don't KNOW eachother). What do you all think?

Ok, so... here is one (of about four) example(s) of a non-commital statement that he has made: He once made an offhanded comment once that he "doesn't want to marry anyone till he's fifty". I thought to myself, "Sh*t, that's ten freakin' years." When I was visibly upset and called 'em on it, he retracted his statement by saying, "I said stupid stuff when I was eighteen too. I mean... I don't know when I'll get married, but I'm sure I will someday." In other words, he tried to backtrack his statement so I would stay and not leave him.

Fast forward eight months to now...

Given his somewhat cold attitude at times (not inviting me to Christmas, New Years, or to meet his family), I recently told him I needed "me" time/space. He said ok (didn't argue). I wish he'd argued with me, but at the same time, perhaps he is simply respecting my request for space (after all, I DID ask for space/time apart).

A week later, I called him (I miss 'em alot). He answered the phone. We talked. He said he wanted to go to a movie with me, and a basketball game (I had bought us the tix for Christmas - - and by the way, he did NOT get ME anything for Christmas... I was so upset, but that's another example of his inconsiderate/coldness at times). (Another question I have for all of you is this... WHY WHY WHY wouldn't he get me a Christmas gift... even something stupid and small would've been better than nothin'????

To be fair to him, he does take me out (usually to very expensive dinners), and we even went on a weekend trip, which I had to plan because he said he "didn't have the time" to plan it (he works crazy long hours), which kinda felt like he didn't care about the trip or me, but when we went on the trip he said he thoroughly enjoyed it, so I guess he did.

With my NOT having gotten asked to any Christmas or New Years stuff with him, I felt terrible inside...very hurt! I asked him why he didn't plan on spending any of these holidays with me, and he said it is because he's been spending it with family and friends traditionally for years, and that I just came into his life, and he's trying to figure out how to fit me into all of this, etc... Which I feel COULD BE a crock of bull, so as to stall any form of commitment toward me??? but maybe I'm wrong???)

OK, so, after a LONG thinking period on my part, I have recently decided (from now on) to go "out" with him, rather than stay in and have sex from (which was our usual MO). I need to respect myself, and I feel that with this method, I will! PLUS...I want him to respect me (not sure if he does, but maybe he does??? I dunno. What do you all think? Does he? I want him to take our relationship seriously, yet, he says he is not ready for commitment)!

Anyway, should I continue to date him without sex? I feel so liberated/empowered by NOT having sex with him. NOT because I am sadistically witholding sex from him (because I am not), but because I made the conscious descision to give myself respect,empowerment, and control of my own self, without feeling used.

I am not sure if he was using me. Was he? I mean, would he really ask me to a sports game and a movie, knowing we aren't going back to his house, if he was only interested in sex?
Also, can anyone tell me if my new way of dating him (without sex with him) will garner respect from him? I hope so. In other words, we already HAD sex, so I'm reversing the process. Anyway, it's killin' me, because I totally dig him sexually, but I refuse to do it right now, until I KNOW for sure that he's in it for the long term, and wants some form of a committed relationship.

OK, sorry this post is so long. I just want to do the right thing here. We are both 40 yrs old, and he's never been married (so he's used to bachelor life). Thought, I don't think he's a player (but I don't know anymore, cuz his emotional distance and lack of introduction to his family worries me). And another question for all of you: Should I be this worried about this stuff after eight months into the relationship?
Thanx for any insight and help you can provide.

Did you break up with him to get him to be less distant?

Hi Guy,

In the back of my mind, I had thought about doing that (i.e. askin' for space in order to make 'em less distant), but decided against it. Especially knowing that you can't change someone.

So the answer to your question is "no". I didn't do it to get him to be less distant (though secretly I sorta hoped it would work... he he!).

My goal in taking space/time, was so I could think about his lack of effort in the relationship, and think about whether or not I actually WANT to continue along in this relationship with someone so emotionally distant and lacking in desire for relationship seriousness/commitment at this time.
And since I feel love toward him, I had to do ALOT of serious thinking, because I strongly believe that perhaps this COULD be a relationship worth saving.

Anyway, this is how I came to a decision to go out with him as friends until he shows that he wants me around his friends/family (not to starve him from sex, cuz damnit I'm starved too! LOL!) I want him sexually so much (we are very attracted to one another), but I also feel I must hold back in order for him to respect me, to get to know me (without the complication of sex), to understand and respect the real me, and to enjoy the "friendship" part of our relationship. I'll kiss him, of course, but I have now decided that I refuse to go back to his house for sex afterward.

He is nice and won't push the "sex" issue. He is a gentleman which is great. I know we'll have fun at the movies and basketball game. I just hope our romance doesn't die because I'm not kickin' it with him anymore.

Anyway, someone please help me with my dilemma(s)! I will be eternally grateful for any and all advice, suggestions, comments, analysis, etc... Thanks so much!

I noticed that you added much more information to the initial post after I sent my reply. I agree with what you two are doing now to see if you two get along even without a relationship, although kissing could make it tempting to fall back to before, especially with his not having wanted commitment. In retrospect, you could say that you gave it up "soon" because even after eight months, he is still distant.

You mentioned gifts for Christmas, but would you prefer him to skimp on the "very expensive dinners" then? I think that they even out. As for being with you for the holidays, that is clearer. In some ways, he is right about tradition, but then he could have invited you along too. The problem is that he is not sure about you in the first place, so any gifts and vacations would not have the meaning that you want behind them.

You mentioned going out instead of staying in and having sex. That is good because you will get to see how you two interact outside of the sack. You asked about worrying about this stuff after eight months, and no, you shouldn't have to. However, it could be a good thing that you two haven't tied the knot because that would make this mess even more stressful. See how the dates go.

Guy,

Thank you so much. Ok, so I agree with the "dinner" part being a very nice gesture from him. I enjoy our dinners and time together.

I guess the Christmas thing really hurt me, because I felt like I was "nothing" to him. I felt as if he were sending me the message "you don't matter". Ouch. It hurts my heart.

Also, he didn't get me anything for my birthday. Yet, he asked me to go out the day after, and took me for breakfast (at my request). He said he hoped I had a great birthday, and was looking forward to seeing me, and misses me, etc... And so I went out to breakfast with him (just recently) on the day after my bday. Anyway, I felt hurt that he didn't get me one SMALL little gifty (is that selfish of me???). I mean, sh#t! Even a candle, or a piece of freakin' candy wrapped up with a bow and a nice card. Or something? I dunno. Am I expecting too much?

As for the sex part. I agree with you. Kissing will make it harder (but I so want to kiss him!). LOL. Seriously, I do agree with ya that it's a good thing for us to see how things go "outside" of the sack, and on nice dates!

He said that he wasn't into commitment, but yes, some sort of acknowledgement would have been good. Then again, it's better that he didn't do any empty gestures to give the wrong idea (of commitment) to you. Watch out for the kissing though, especially if you two are tipsy on one of your dates. You mentioned wanting respect, so see how he shows it now.

I have to agree with u he could have bought u something small for your birthday . All guys know the importance of a present to a woman . That's a little cold hearted of him . Don't think u were wrong to be dissappointed by this. You deserve to be treated specially on your birthday. My advice would be to hang back from him , let him call u and be cool about things. Say " no problem" if he can't fit u in , be nice and get off the phone. Let him know you have other priorities. See if that helps. I know how hard that can be. Can u start some new things to help keep ur mind off him while u try this?

I read the first.

My two cents. Yes, he is cautious and what it screams is that he is keeping you at dating level but not dating you very much.

Yes, the bad habit has begun. You have a sexual relationship and nothing much more.

Yes, to turn it around, you need to say it without saying it.

Things like, I would love to come over tonight but I made a date to go to a movie with my friend.

What you are doing is letting him know what you want in life...to be dated...and you are letting him know by not seeing him that he has been getting only what he wants with no fair exchange.

That is the negotiation of love.
From no on, his offers to see you must be what you want or you have the right to say, I would love to but I have other plans and walk away if his date with you does not meet your expectations.

You have that right you know and all without spelling it out for him.

He will figure it out. And if he stops calling, YOU will know he only wanted you for one thing and he didn't want his friends and family to know about his affairs.