Can you accept bad habits and poor family background if you really love someone?

I'm just curious. I am not talking about "poor" financially either. I'm saying if a guy or a girl has a very broken family with poor morals and values - but the guy/girl themselves don't. I feel family is very important, especially when marrying (Like not wanting them to babysit)

Does anyone have experience with this? Was anyone in this situation and had a successful long term relationship/marriage with someone like this? Did the family get in the way of anything?

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Baron A. avatar
4 years ago #2
Baron A.
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This is deep logics you are getting into, and yes the family can get in the way. If I was grown up in a dysfunctional family chances are I am going to have some of the personality of family, we are advised to observe how man treats his mother and how daughter relates to her father to get a good idea of how the he/she will treat spouse.

Some persons are aware of this, they do counselling and other things to break the cycle, so yes it can work with someone from dysfunctional home, but the persons must have the strength of character to change it.

My wife came from dysfunctional home, she was aware of it, but thought that she was powerless about it and she started being as rediculous as her mother and left me, I thought because she was aware of it, we could have dealth with it, but no chance.

I would do it again, give another woman the chance to be in my life even if she came from a broken home, but I would observe her under stress and if I see tendency to be like family, I am gone, but that is just me.

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30steppingstone avatar
3 years ago #3
30steppingstone
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I can definitely relate to what you're going through. ive been dating someone for what will be a year next month. Now, granted I've got my issues too...everyone does---theyre just not as severe as hers. when she was younger, her aunt manipulated her into letting the aunts husband's friends sexually abuse her. In addition, her father neglected her for several years and one of her stepfathers (From what I understand, she doesn't like talking about it too much)abused her as well. Despite all this she has grown into a wonderful woman, but there are things I've noticed to be sure:

-she's way too comfortable with using profanity so openly. I dont really Mind in open social settings, but because that's what she's used to and because her own mother unapologetically flaunts her own potty mouth and bad habits, she's not likely to tone down.

-because of the absence of her father and the abuse she suffered, she had a limited trust in men and their overall capabilities in contributing positively to her life. She won't say it but i can tell. The way i have to ask her to do things...it feels like I'm prodding her sometimes. It just feels like the things i ask her to do for me for the betterment of our relationship put a strain on her personality, which makes me feel bad.
When we argue I'm ALWAYS the one who apologizes first, even and especially for stuff that isn't my fault. Its wearing me down because i need her to be more emotionally accountable for what she does. Which brings me to my last point:

-her mother is a loud, obnoxious, cantankerous woman who loves leopard-print pants and always barks out all of the half-baked knowledge she knows about life. The woman is so stubborn,and though its not my place to say i feel her is the unfortunate example my gf is stuck having to emulate. I know people tend to take on the behaviors of their family, but because I'm not used to that because that's not my background, it gets to be a little much for me at times.

I find myself feeling worried for her
alot of the time and feeling like she cant be herself around me, which isn't what i want at all. I do however, believe a person can choose to change, and their past doesn't have to dictate their future. I dunno if I'm being a baby and reading too much into this or if these are signs I should pay closer attention to..is that anything like what youre dealing with?

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heartsbreak avatar
3 years ago #4
heartsbreak
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I'm not the original poster and that person posted nine months ago so they might not answer. However, I can help.

Listen, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. yes someone can choose to change if they want and not expect someone to just accept them if their behavior is bothering them. You want to date a lady, not a nut case with a potty mouth. But bigger picture, look at what you would eventually be marrying into. Her mother I am sure knows the sickness her daughter was forced into. Do you want your children around that? What if they get molested by one of her family members or by her. History tends to repeat itself you know. Did she get help from all of this or is it festering inside of her somewhere and will resurface later on?

If she knows that her behavior is bothering you, then she should work to change it. But there is nothing she can do about her mom. You just need to decide if this is what you want in your life because you can't ask her to not see her family and she can't hide them from hers.

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 avatar
4 months ago #5
Jo jo
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I've just come out of a relationship with a lady from a very dysfunctional family.its left me heart broken.
The lady in question was beautiful , 48, and elegant. But she had had a terrible past
Her 1st marriage lasted 5 years, he was violent and went inside for rape. Her 2nd marriage lasted 2 years, he was a druggy. She stayed single 10 years until meeting me.
She had a 12 and 23 year old son living with her. Her 25 year old daughter lived 4 doors away with her grand daughter.
She was 4K in debt because her son would not work or claim benefits.
I got him a job only for him to refuse to try it.
Her sexual past was very colourful, all one night stands , all unprotected sex Evan with married men.
I ignored all the warning signs and fell in love with her.
After 5 months she was moving in with me with her 12 year old son.
The weekend she moved in she asked have you ever been to a brothel. I replied yes, 3 times while I was single.
This destroyed our relationship.
She couldn't remember how many men she had slept with.
I've had 4 relationships, and been to brothel 3 times. To me brothel and 1 night stands are just meaningless sex.
Anyway you may fall in love and try guide somebody, how ever you can not change a family. If that person tries to change , as soon as there's a hick up they will revert to the safety of what they know.
Believe me I've lost the love of my life, and my heart has been ripped in two. I thought I had everything now I know I had nothing. She just ran at the first sign of trouble, and I'm now just another notch on her bed post.
And it turns out her daughter is a brothel worker of 8 years.

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