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After playing ten thousand “what if” scenarios in my head in the past two weeks of my no communication break, I finally gave in and called my guy. I needed to find out if he is still in love with me or if he’s decided to end it all next Friday, and if he did, let me know now so I can move on and not make me go on another week of torture. To my surprise, he said he is still in love with me and wanted to call me on several occasions but held it in because we had agreed to this break. I made the phone call short and said that’s all I wanted to know and we’ll discuss more when we see each other again next Friday in the couples counseling.
Was I wrong to make the phone call? Maybe, but I also knew I couldn’t go on another day playing the “what if” game, because I have been emotionally drained from my own imagination. I still don’t know what’s going to happen next Friday, but the call today gave me just enough to make it through the next 6 days without feeling “victimized” by the break.
For anyone that is planning to do a break with your loved one, I highly suggest arranging one short phone call or email a week to let each other know where they are at and if at any point either one of you decides to end it all, spare the other person and just tell them. God knows the hell I’ve been in the past 2 weeks.
There are no correct answers to the question if you did the right thing by calling him…
The only thought that came to my mind while reading this post, was that it seems that you weren’t 100% behind the communications break, or in other words, not 100% sure that this is what needed to be done.
I hesitate to say this, since I am not passing judgment and don’t want to come across in that way, but shouldn’t your thoughts during the communication break be directed to what it is YOU want to happen? and not what he is thinking?
(I know where you are coming from - I could hear myself in your words, and this is why I allow myself to ask this question.)
I never wanted the no communication break, but it was either that or we break up, and of course i want to do anything that can save my relationship. It’s been torture and I woke up that morning asking myself, "Why would someone who tells me that he loves me put me through this pain?", so I picked up the phone and I made that call. Yes, I broke the agreement, but at that point I couldn’t take this break anymore. He needed to tell me if he still loves me or he wants to break up with me. I got my answer that he is still in love with me, so it made me feel better. I still don’t like the break and I think it’s ridiculous that we are not together working through our issues and had to cut off communication for three weeks.
I still don’t know what will happen this Friday, but I am hoping it’s worthy of what I had to go through the past two weeks.
I hope so to.
I know what you are going through I am there right now. Only in week one of three. We agreed to have limited communication but everytime we talk I always end up asking questions about us and it just aggravates him even more so I decided to just stop talking all together. We have plans Fri - an event that was agreed upon long before this break. Any advise on how to make it through the event without breaking down into tears or grilling him for answers on the relationship and if there is going to be one after the 3 weeks is up?
Stacy,
it’s going to be really tough and much to my surprise, my bf broke up with me the day before our couples therapy. I was shattered. However, we have gotten back together since then and have been working through our issues. There is nothing anyone can say or do to help you feel better with the break. And having lived through those painful weeks, i can look back now and it was clear that my bf was having doubts about the relationship and didn’t want it anymore but was too afraid to break up so he just took me along for the ride until the very last day of our break. There’s nothing you can do. You’re there 100%, and he’s asking for the break. the only thing i can say is to be there and be supportive rather than nagging on him. And I honestly think if he is asking for a break, you should expect the worse. Trust me, i refused to believe that and i was hit hard. Just remember if you guys truly love and care for each other, things will work out the way it’s supposed to work out.
the first month after we got back together, i was literally in tears everytime i get to see him. it took me 5 months to get us to a point where we can communicate openly about our feelings. A lot of tears, a lot of therapy, a lot of arguments along the way, but we stuck through them all. i hope you guys will, too. Just be honest and ask him to be honest with you. the truth will set you free.
Im in kind of the same position as stacy, my bf and i are on a break until i come home for thanksgiving. we are trying to do long distance, but there is a lot of trust issues involved. he wanted to go on a break because he said i needed to start trusting him and be completely honest myself, but its needed from his end too, i told him that. I dont understand these breaks either. if you want to be with someone than be with them and work through everything together. most of the time are these men too afraid to break up with us and "taking us along for the ride" as kamnCal put it? are they really helping the relationship work by being absent? is this a way of seeing how much a girl will do for them? if there are any men reading this blog, you should definitely help us out on this one.
Im a guy and I’m on break called by my girlfriend. She asked for the break because she said she felt more like my friend instead of my girl.I agreed to the break because I was starting to feel the relationship becoming a give & take. I felt I was the one putting more of myself and heart in it. She doesn’t know that though. We’re in the middle of our first week I haven’t called her. I want to but I figure how can I give her this time to think If I continue to talk to her. I’m pretty sure If we talk the relationship would come up too so… I do still love her though. I just hope whenever the break comes to an end we could heal it and love again.
I am on week 5 on break with my boyfriend, he wanted it and I am living in limbo, going crazy. (It all came as a TOTAL shock, I thought we were happy and had NO idea he had doubts.) We are spending time together and it is tough because we do some work together too, and he talks about some future plans but I am not living with him right now..he just doesn’t want to open up. He says he is confused and praising me for giving him space and spending time with him. He originally said after a break he wanted to go to counseling with me but I haven’t heard anything about it again so I don’t know. I know I need to expect the worst but am having a hard time (we have been living together for 10 years). I’ll hang in there for a while but at some point he needs to open up and make some decisions.
I’m a guy who is currently thinking heavily about the idea of a break in our relationship. We’ve been together for 20 months. I’ll try to add something from a ‘guy’ perspective.
Firstly it’s interesting to read about how truly painful a break can be for the other person. I hadn’t really realised that the idea of a break would be *so* devastating. For me the break has come about because the relationship is getting serious, as in spending the rest of our lives together serious. For me that’s terrifying. Choosing this woman, and choosing this life, feels like closing down a lot of other paths my life could take. It feels like losing a part of myself, or the potential things I could do with my life. So with that prospect in front of you, you want to make damn sure you’re making the right choice. You have to analyse: "do I really want to be with this person?" I guess one way to help figure that out is by not being with that person for a while.
And for me, a break should be a break. It’s not a break if you’re speaking everyday, or even once a week. Getting constant text messages is not a break. I think most men like time by themselves to think about things, and also to reach a decision by themselves. We don’t like being told what to do or feel like we’ve been pushed into something.
In some ways, maybe a break is even some subconscious way of gaining some control back over the relationship. In my relationship I feel like I’ve been sometimes pushed into doing things before I want to (moving in together, saying ‘I love you’) It feels like I haven’t done things in my own time, I’ve done them in order to stop my partner worrying and complaining about the fact that I’ve not done them. Noone likes being pushed into a decision. A break is almost a way of saying, look, serious commitment is a big decision, and I’m going to go away and make this decision for myself without feeling pressured into it. And the conclusion may well be "yes I want to commit to you" but I want to feel like I’ve made it myself.
Having said all that, my partner and I have not yet taken a break and are trying to work through the issues together.
I don’t know. To sum up… to justify a break from a male perspective… it’s a way to allow yourself some space to make a big commitment decision for yourself, to go away and analyse your future and your relationship without being surrounded by it every day.
anonymous:
Sounds like you are making perfect sense. I am on the 4th month of a "break" but we see each other constantly and work together also. After living with my bf for 8 years and having a total and complete commitment I never thought there was any doubt since we are such a great couple together. But I can totally see the control issue, my bf said he felt like he has lost himself in the relationship and that he has made everything about me that he was drowning. What you have said makes me understand him so much better. I need to step back, and really give him more space. I am in so much pain not living with him and sharing every aspect of every day together that I feel like I am still no allowing him enough space…time he has had, we have been separated as I said for 4 months now. Great perspective from you anonymous and even though the circumstances are different I can take away a lot.
Anonymous,
You just cleared everything up for me. I have been so confused and in so much pain after hearing my boyfriend tell me that he needs a month break because he feels pressured. When I asked him what that meant, he said he couldn’t explain it and was really confused. By the way, I never pressured him to marry me or anything like that. He just turned 25 and I am 29, so I think maybe he’s not ready for a serious committment especially since I’m his first love and first serious girlfriend. Also, I was the one who said "I love you" first and I was the one who brought up being exclusive in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe he felt like he had no control over the relationship and felt like it happened too quickly. I just never saw this coming at all and feel so much pain like never before. I just hope that by him saying he needs a break isn’t an easier way for him to break up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.