Okay, so I need help figuring out which guy I am actually in love with.
The thing is that I was friends with two guys, lets call them S1 and S2. S1 was my best friend, while S2 and I were great friends too, and they are very close to each other as well..
Now, S2 is basically an introvert. He is as such a nice and funny person, but that’s just for his close group of friends. And he has this generally mysterious aura because he has a different way of looking at things. And I was really attracted to this mystery that he was. I mean, the way there was so much more to him than what met the eye.
But since I am a very emotional person, and he is pretty much emotionally detached and also since he had a long distance thing going on, I never expected anything from him that way.
But the more time we spent with each other, the more his behaviour changed. People all around us, even my friends, thought that he was different with me. That we had chemistry and passion and spark, and that we looked like people who were deeply into each other. And he seemed different around me.. Protective, possessive, authoritative. Even I kinda felt confused because he said I was not someone he was really attached to but his behaviour said something entirely different. Since we were pretty open with each other, I, with all the new found hope, conveyed to him that I was really attracted to him. And he said he was attracted too, which was weird since, I assure you, there is not a single attractive bone in my body. The problem was that I was afraid that since he was not really good with attachment, if I convey directly that not only was I attracted but also that just physical stuff will not be enough for me, he would probably panic and run away. Also, I had this gut feeling that he wanted more as well. So I left out the emotion part, and thought that I should let the conversation get ahead of its own accord.
But the emotion part never arrived. We kept talking, and our conversations got more and more intimate, if you know what I mean. But he seemed content with the FWB arrangement, and I wasn’t, even though I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t. Also, there was another **** sticking up to him all the time, and I had always hated her. It all pissed me off. And since we weren’t on the same page exactly, we kept having fights. It was around the end of the semester, and we had had another fight, and we were sorting it out, when he suddenly said that he wanted to kiss me. Till then, we hadn’t done anything with each other – only talked about it. I thought he was joking. But he said he was serious, and I wasn’t sure, so I said no. But he asked again, and I wanted him so pathetically by then that I gave in.
So we went to this secluded third floor corridor, into an out of order men’s room, and we made out for a while. I swear, I have never felt anything so right and so wrong simultaneously. Term ended on a really sad note, though. I mean, S1, like I said, is my best friend. That guy can make the worst situation seem like nothing just with a single smile. For me, just the simple fact that he’s present in the same room, is enough reason to smile and not give a **** about anything else in the world. He is, in my own words, ”my dodo”, ”my monkey”, ”my joker”, ”my baby”, and ”my best friend”. It was bad enough that I wasnt supposed to see him for 2 months, but then.. I wanted to meet him, and the last day, I saw him standing a little far away, and I waved out to him to come to me, and he turned his back on me and started walking. It hurt me really bad, and I turned and walked the opposite way too. It was later that night that he told me that he was leaving for home when I told him I was upset, and he said that he should be the one saying so, because he waited for me for 20 minutes in such hot weather, waiting for me and when I did arrive, I never came to meet him, and he just turned for 2 minutes to talk to a professor, and by the time he turned back, I was already walking away. It just made me miss him so bad. I could have killed the world to see him right then. Basically, in the vacations, I was busy fighting with S2, while my bond with S1 strengthened day by day, minute by minute. Everyday kind of showed me a mirror that made me realize how little S2 meant to me, and how much I loved S1. But some incidents happened that made me realize what I hadn’t seen for so long. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for S1. There was nothing i wouldn’t be for that guy. And I was in love with him.
The problem happened when, after all those fights, S2 decided that he never wanted to talk to me again. Making friends is very tough for me, and I knew for sure that this S2 debacle was going to cost me my friends in college since all of them are closer to him than to me. And it did happen. All those people, even the friends, who had been speculating that something was going on between me and S2, saw us ignoring each other, and came up with the theory that since he already had a girlfriend, I must have turned into the stalker chic, whom he now hates and ignores.
I have not concrete proof but it is possible that S2 must have added to these stories in order to protect his reputation.
What happened was that S1 and I were hanging out together once, and while roaming through the college, we came to the third floor corridor – almost like he had led me up there. And he casually asked me if I had ever been to that men’s room before. In that second I knew that he had gotten to know everything. I said no, I hadn’t. He kept talking casually after that, but he stood sooo close to me. I mean, there was practically a time when I was up against the wall and both his hands were on both sides of me on the wall behind, with his forehead resting on mine. I asked him what he knew, but he just said he knew nothing. Later on, he said that it had all happened ”in the heat of the moment”.
Since that day, he has stopped talking to me in public, or face to face. He doesn’t crack jokes like he used to. He doesn’t look at me in class, and when he is looking, in case I look up and catch his eye, he turns away from me. He passes me by in the corridor like I am invisible. But if I text him, he does reply. If I ask him why he ignores me, he just says ”When did I ignore you?! I’m here only.” And then he flirts. A LOT.
One night, recently, he was flirting with me again, and said that he had kissed me in his dream ”in a washroom on the third floor”. That is so not a coincidence. He went on to describe the entire scene. I told him how he just didn’t understand that just physical stuff is not what I want, that if he gets any closer to me, I will want him in so many ways.. and if he doesn’t have that to offer me, he should give me no expectations, and should stay away from me if he knows what’s good for him. And a day later, he said that I shouldn’t take it all too seriously, that it was just ”random talk”. Till now after that, we have hardly exchanged 3-4 sentences. What do I do?! What am I supposed to think?!
Is he trying to tell me that I am cheap for what I did with S2? Or that he feels betrayed that I didnt tell him about all that myself? Or is he mocking me?!
At times, I still feel sooo attracted to S2 that it’s almost painful. And the attraction is not just physical. I mean, yes, I do wanna rip his clothes apart at times, and I want him to think only of me at times – I want to have him in every manner possible – but even my sexual thoughts for him are not because of a sexual reason. And at times, I actually have a powerful gut feeling that (and this will sound preposterous) I mean a lot to him as well. I feel like he knows that no one is ever going to understand him and know him the way I do, not even his girlfriend, and definitely not that other ****. But it’s just that he is looking for someone who looks like the ideal girlfriend, and I just don’t fit into that image – I am not at all attractive, not in the least – and that’s why, even though he is attached to me, he will never admit it openly. But like I said, this is what my gut feeling says. And frankly, at times even I think that it’s absolutely stupid.
But then, I am completely aware that what I feel for S1 is something I will never feel for S2. I will never feel that affection or that kind of protection for S2 – I might feel possessive, and I do, but not that protective. But I just don’t know which one I am actually in love with.
And most of all, I have no idea if any one of them actually gives a **** about me. Please, please, please tell me what you think. Do they care for me? In any manner, at all? Who do you think I am in love with?