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Not sure where to start to explain it all without writing a novel. I met my 2nd husband 13 years ago and was attracted to what a sweet, nice guy he was...I was just out of a 8 year marriage and looking for the opposite I guess. Well to make long story short in some of our discussion early in the relationship he confided to me that had always also been attracted to males.. being the enlightened open person I was/am I thought that was very kewl and in some ways matched me as I had also dabbled on both sides and enjoyed it.. so here I was thinking ..wow we are in love and its all us but we can still with openness and honesty have our cake and eat it too.. Another point... we met when we were 30 and he was totally a virgin..I loved that fact and felt that due to is lack of opportunity during his youth and his shyness I would now show him the world.. so we went through about 4 years of "crazy life" fun but crazy.. hanging out at alternative clubs, hooking up with other guys.. always together..made a lot of great friends.. one thing we do have is complete trust in each other and still do.. so time went by, 2 kids.. after the 2nd we decided to focus more on being mom and dad rather then living the party scene on weekends...but.. in all this exploration I shot myself in the foot... once he had experienced all this he came to the conclusion that even though he loved me he preferred a man, even though we still have great sex, he feels incomplete, and he admitted that more often then not in his head he fantasies he is with a man.. can you say my feminine self was/is taking a beating at this point? Live continues and mostly we do not stray for outside fun..but I get more and more depressed and feel lied to in a way...but then I think about it and I understand where he is coming from and I do not judge..I cannot change him, I love him, we love our lives together and raising our kids together but there is always the underlying sense and sadness of what he is missing and what I too am missing.. yes we have sex, damn good sometimes and close..but in my head I always wonder what he is thinking..he says he loves me but also that he is not visually attracted to the female aspects of me, he does not flirt with me ever, no romantic stuff, nor does he ever call me by my name.. ever.. when we have talked about this and he has tried it sounds all awkward...
Anyway..a few years ago I met up with an old bf who was married and as it turned out he was interested in hooking up with us with his wife..I thought this would be the perfect solution for everyone but alas as these things can go it went bad and hearts and friendships were broken...
So.. life continued.. just 2 months ago I received an email from an old friend from 24 years ago.. I mean this guy was my legend.. we had had a "thing" more then a relationship while I was in college...he was the local bad boy sort of, very cute, very nice, and I jokingly always have referred to him as my stalker because at the time he always seemed to show up where I was, no matter what time of day..he was not at the college he was a local resident...well he said he had finally after all this time tracked me down on the Internet and was so happy as he had been trying to find me for a long time..I have a weird last name so this being difficult is possible.. anyway.. we started chatting and one thing lead to another and soon we were making plans to have him visit..he is living with a girl...who does not know..it seemed almost out of the is world.. without me telling him anything of my issues this guy seemed to know just how I felt and thought and just during chats and phone convos we grew very close.. we connected emotionally and mentally, we are so very alike and very emotional passionate people.. all this time since the first contact my husband knew and I showed him the emails and even had phone conversations right next to him.. then I also learned that this guy was open to interacting with men also.. wow.. could this be the situation we were wishing for but never thought possible.. someone who is like me and loves both sides to varying degrees, is looking for more then just a roll in the hay and wants to develop a friendship too.. not just a regularly scheduled booty call!!! Anyway he came down and things were amazing as I had imagined between us.. but even though we tried he and my husband did not really click.. sort of for the same reasons I have some issues with my husband.. I am a very verbal, communicative, passionate person, he hardly talks, is not expressive and not particularly passionate...this were the same things that did not click with my friend..
Now besides the obvious - sex - there is a lot more here.. he loves to just be with my. cuddle, talk, go for drives, do romantic things, just be..we have fallen in love, and believe it or not I still truly love my husband too...my husband is mostly fine with this because as he says it he sees how happy this guy makes me, how much I have changes in 2 months, form a down, somewhat grouchy person to someone who has found her joie de vivre again and he says I know he gives you the things I cannot.. but I feel bad that he is not getting the things he cannot get from me..I also have huge issues with the fact my friends gf of 13 years knows nothing of this..and I have doubts a lot even though by his actions I believe my friend but if you are lying to your gf can you be trusted? It makes sense to me that it is more then just sex on side which both he and I could get locally if we wanted to.. he lives 7 hours away.. we make the effort and time to get together as much as we can.. and I think why would he make the effort if his feelings were not real.. he talks about the future.. doing things next summer.. but a small part of me still doubts. .still doubts there could be this true love that is as intense and passionate as me and wants to be with me.. my self esteem has been somewhat beaten down by my situation over the years.. now our arrangement does not include anyone leaving.. he fully intends to maintain his relationship and I fully intend to maintain mine.. I have been through a divorce before and I would never put my kids through that again.. I have 4, 2 with my first, and 2 now.. my husband also knows that if he ever wants to not be in this relationship that he is the one that would have to walk out the door as I am not doing that ever again.. I am in for the long haul.. we have a good happy healthy family life with our kids.. we love raising them together, we love each other...
Guess my concerns boil down to - my first worry is that once the kids are all grown up and gone my husband may feel that he has not real reason to stay and heads out to find what he seems to be missing...and I am left alone..at age 55+
My second concern is I am eaten up by guilt that my friends gf does not know of this.. and can I truly trust him when he is lying to her...
My third somewhat selfish concern is that I will be very badly hurt by this hope I have that this will last and maybe down the road we will all have what we want...I am madly in love with this guy.. not a second goes by when he is not on my mind.. its hard not hearing from his sometimes when I know he cannot call.. I hate the lying.. my husband and I always have been open and honest with each other and I really do not deal well with any type of deception.. its not who I am and here I am in love with a guy who is cheating on his gf.. regardless of the justifications he gives me for it, its still a fact..
I just want to be happy, raise my kids, be a grandma eventually.. enjoy my life, and have love and passion be part if it too.. with out it I feel empty... so complicated.. I have no answers, just more questions every day...
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