Confused...HELP!

Okay...this may end up being a little long...but bare with me...I really need some advice.

Last decemeber my sister set me up with this guy she works with. We really hit off right from the start. I knew we had a connection the first time we met. Within a couple of weeks I had met most of his immediate family and we were seeing each other about 4-5 times a week. Everything was great! After about a month and a half I knew that I was falling in love with him. Which was a big deal for me because I had never been in love before. I could really see a future with him...and I had never felt that way about anyone before. But I wasn't ready to say anything because the relationship was still new.

In the last month that we dated both our schedules were pretty crazy. He was traveling for work a lot and I had a ton of things going on. We talked every night and he always told me he missed me and he was thinking about me. I was COMPLETELY HAPPY for the first time in a very long time.

One weekend I was doing this big suprise birthday thing for my best friend. He was supposed to be there...but he ended up having to be out of town. We talked a few times and he sent me text messages saying that he wished he could be there and that he missed me, ect... Then the following week (he was still out of town) we didn't really talk much...I thought he was just stressed out and busy from work. He came home that friday and we went out like normal and everything seemed fine.

The next day he came over to pick me up because we had a wedding to go to. He seemed different...distant. We left the wedding early and he said he needed to go home and do laundry.

I didn't talk to him at all after that...he was avoiding me! I didn't understand and he wouldn't give me an explantion for why things changed...he just disappeared. The only explanation I could come up with was that he cheated on me and didn't have the balls to face me. I cried for about 2 weeks and then started to move on.

Well a couple months after the "break-up" he asked my sister how I was doing (remember they work together). When she told me this it really pissed me off...I mean where does he get off asking about me after the way he treated me! And of course after that I started thinking about him again. A friend told me I should ask him out for a drink to see if he would give me an explanation so that I could have clouser and move on. So I did...and surprisingly he was happy to hear from me.

I met him one night when I was already going out with friends. He told me what happened...and I was in complete shock. That week when everything changed...he found out he has a son...a six year old son that he knew nothing about. He didn't know how to handle it so he pushed everyone away and started drinking a lot. It doesn't excuse the way he treated me, but I do understand it a little better. He didn't even tell his mother what was going on.

After I saw him that night he sent me an email saying that he was sorry and that he hoped we could be friends. That was 2 months ago. Since then he has sent me random messages and we talked through email and text mostly.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't still care about him and that I haven't considered getting back together with him...but I just don't know if that is the right thing to do...and I have no idea how he really feels. I keep getting mixed signals from him.

I invited him to come have a drink with me for my birthday...I was going out with some friends. He came out we had a couple drinks...I walked him out when he left...and he kissed me. Then I didn't hear from him. I decided I was DONE...and I wasn't going to try anymore. Then 2 weeks later he calls me...just out of the blue. We talked for about 20 minutes and then he called me again the next night. He asked to come hang out with him...he was celebrating our football team winning. So I went.

We hung out for about an hour and then we left...he had to go out of town early the next day. He hugged me goodbye and then we talked on the phone all the way home. He asked me what I was doing this weekend...he wanted us to do somthing together...but I will be out of town.

I don't understand why all of a sudden he is calling me and wanting to hang out! Does he want to get back together...does he really just want to be friends...or does he just like messing with my head????

OKAY...this is where it gets COMPLICATED!

The thing is...I haven't told anybody we are talking. My mom absolutely HATES him for the way he treated me!! And my sister (the one he works with) isn't to fond of him either. I haven't told them that I have seen him or talked to him and I have made sure he knows not to say anything either. I shouldn't feel like I have to hide this...but I do! I am afraid they are going to think I am crazy for even considering getting back together with him. And I am also afraid that they will be right! I am very close with my family...so what they think about the decisions I make really affects me!

When I think about getting back together with him, I think about the way things were when we were together not the way things ended! Is that bad...should I judge him on the way he handled that situation?? My family seems to think I should...but I don't!

Am I crazy?? Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance...or should it be one strike and you're out?? Do I listen to my family...or do I make this decision on my own and hope they will be understanding??

I don't have anyone to talk to about this...obviously...so I could really use some advise!!! Thanks!

Carolinagirl, welcome to the forum

It is your decision and yours alone. You should tell your family. Then, you also know how to deal with it and if it is very important to you really what they say. Personally I think nobody, not family and no friends, have the right to influence someone's decision. Nobody can look into the heart of the other.

I can not advise you on giving second chances. Do you have another boyfriend at this point? Do you want to start dating other men right now? Because only if you have plans in that direction are you forced to make the decision of giving a second chance. Otherwise, take it easy and let time play the scenario for you - which will direct you into making the right decision, finally

I agree with ayngel

I will just throw in my two cents.

Honestly if he is into you fully, he will be more definitive about it. People like this only like to drop crumbs whenever they feel you drifting away. But if you go down this path in any kind of irrevocable way, the reality will probably be very much like it is today. You alone, wondering... missing.. hoping... but alone. People don't change.

I do agree with ayngel in the sense that it's a bad idea to factor family in too heavily on these decisions. Me and my ex really lost out on some precious stuff with sharing our baby girl, and the true love we felt for each other, due to her dependency on the approval of her mother and friends.

You need to check your feelings to see if you go for guys who are somewhat removed and unavailable.. and see if there is any kind of pattern for this in your early development. Some women are more able to put a guy on a pedestal if he is out of reach, but then they bypass men who might actually be there for them. Dig down deep into what you really want, and start moving in that direction.

Read the MoreLoveInside Manifesto HERE!

Post edited by: dctommy, at: 2008/01/26 08:26