Control And Power In A Relationship

image-ioqkoms0gu.jpg How do I feel about power in relationships?

Power, because a relationships are voluntary, is largely illusory..Power is granted and not taken.. Bullied people are only bullied because they submit to it.. Your SO may not submit to your attempt at power.

If you look at the foot of all my posts you will see a quote about “Dont try to be the Captain of someone else’s boat, learn to be a lighthouse and they will find their way.” It is valid. Be a lighthouse, not a captain.

Impatience too can be a weakness..Practice mindfullness..Sometimes less is more.

Our Senses and “Control”

If we can sense something, how can we control it? If we sense something and it’s not there, what happens?

  1. We can see less than 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum & hear less than 1% of the acoustic spectrum. Compared to the diverse nature of the Universe (xrays, radio waves, infra-red, ultra-violet, we are all almost blind & deaf to what exists in the Universe.
  2. The existence of the rainbow depends on the conical photoreceptors in our eyes, to animals without cones, the rainbow does not exist. So we don’t just look at a rainbow, we actually create it.
  3. This is pretty amazing, especially considering that all the beautiful colours we see represent less than 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum. How many other things do we not see, and create?
  4. As you read this, the Earth is rotating on its axis at the equator at 1,000 miles an hour. And it’s moving through space at 60,000 miles an hour. Do you feel that? But the rotation is slowing a little each day.

Who are we?

  1. 90% of the cells in our bodies carry their own microbial DNA and are not “us,” but mitochondria that provide us with the energy our cells need to function.
  2. Your maternal genetic inheritance goes back to a single female ancestor (Mitochondrial Eve ) living in Africa 200,000 years ago.
  3. The atoms in our body are 99.9999999999999999% empty space. And none of them are the ones we were born with, but they all originated in stars after the Big Bang 14 million years ago.
  4. We have 46 or 23 pairs of chromosomes, 2 less than the common potato, but Hermit crabs have 254!


  1. English is actually roughly 5% Greek and 30% each of: 1) Latin, 2) French, and 3) Old English / Norse / Dutch. Words don’t have any meaning individually themselves, the meaning comes from the context in which they are used. E.g. sarcasm. Words have a connotative value as well as literal meaning..Some words are very emotive, like black, to black people. And white, to white people when they are in close proximity to other races. White to white people when they are surrounded by white people does not mean much due to Ethnocentrism.
  2. You might think you are unique, but the words you speak are not your own. If you did create any unique words, no one would understand you, and you would have to use existing words to explain what you meant. So the thoughts you think and the concepts and symbols you use, are the products of thousands of years of human history.

If Control is important to you:

  1. You cannot control what you put in your body. You are probably drinking the chemical fluoride in your water (its added by water companies to strengthen teeth) and you don’t even know.
  2. You cannot control your thoughts, every one of them is created in your unconscious mind a few hundred milliseconds before a conscious decision is made. If I say to you: “ Don’t think or imagine seeing a polar bear”, you will..
  3. You probably don’t know this, but your philosophy is one of Anthropocentrism and essentialism (people are considered unique, stable, self-identity and continuous over time, rather than accidentalism.. Not many people know we have a fundamental believe that is invisible, but as humans hate chaos, we “pretend” predictability, stability, and meaning exists to a large degree.
  4. How we see our own and others behaviour, is linear. We see for every effect there is a cause. Of course there are causes, but the universe is so interconnected, everything more or less causes everything else to a larger or smaller degree, so asking “what caused something” means you are applying some kind of subjective values to filter out (what you believe are) the less important to focus on the more important. And this is pretty random. What is really happening is circular causality..and what is the point in looking at that? When something happens, we always ask why? It allows us the illusion of understanding, rather than look for circular causality.
  5. Humans have, according to the most recent psychological studies have 118 different unconscious biases in our perception and thinking.. We are not accurate machines, by far! ognitive biases can be organized into four categories: biases that arise from us having access to too much information, not having enough meaning, and the perceived need to act quickly, and the limits of our memory. Check them out, you might be amazed.
  6. Humans have uniquely codified our existence to bring it down to human size, to make it comprehensible, we’ve created a scale so we can forget its uncomfortable, unfathomable scale.

How much power and “in control” do you feel now?


So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.


  • Spitfire: That’s very binary. There are things that can be controlled and there are things that can’t. Just because we can’t controlled all those things above, doesn’t mean we don’t need to have a sense of control. Having a certain level of sense of control is a must. I believe there’s a correlation between depression and people who have lost their sense of control?
  • Johnny Nicks: Yes, you are right. But I was saying we are in to some degree completely overestimating our degree of control.
  • Anastasia: Your numbered points 11 and 12, while potentially valid and relevant, are the equivalent of emotional terrorism.
    Hey, you fear spiders? You’ve eaten one!
    No, it doesn’t help, it just makes someone with those issues feel more anxiety. It’s like telling someone with clinical depression "Hey, just snap out of it, get over it. It’s all in your head, you’ll be fine if you just..."
    F— off.
    You may have had good intentions, but your "method" is just plain ignorant and mean as hell.
  • Johnny Nicks: Its not a "method" Anastasia. They are just facts.
    I’m really sorry if you felt uncomfortable and felt the need to swear, but the solution to the big things you really cannot change is to let go and accept them..If you fight, you will only end up exhausted.
  • Vale: These are interesting facts :) You missed some that are more related to relationships though, like how pheromones affect us without us knowing.
  • Johnny Nicks: Yes Vale..There is lots of things like that. The contagion effect of tears, crying and the effect of oxytocin for eg in the let down reflex for lactating mothers.
  • FoxieLadie: Johnny, Vale made an excellent point about the effect of pheromones on relationships. If it hadn’t been for pheromones and oxytocin, I sincerely doubt that my ex, the b*stardly barrister, would have exercised as much power over me as he did.

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