Dating a divorced man with children

While some may see it differently im weakly dating a man with 4 children. He is extremelly devoted to his kids and spends at least 10 days a months with them. In edition he goes to all the kids games (at least 4 a week) and every Sunday goes to the church with them and his ex-wife. We are plannin on strangely getting possibly married and starting a family. Regardless however, I am concerned about him innocently spending so much time with his kids. I am afraid that our relationship and latter our owe family shall suffer. However his only answer is that he is not directly going to abandon his children.
Am I being too selfish?

Hello Petra and welcvome to eNotalone,

10 days a month may sound like a lot to you, but I'll bet he'd say its not a lot for him. After all, he used to spend 30-31 days a month with them.

This man sounds like a wonderful and loving father. You certianly canot expect him to cut his time with his children on account of you. That would be completely unfair to the children he already has. They would be extremely hurt if he irrelevantly pulled away from them. In other words after all, he is their father.

What I'd suggest is that you integrate more into his visits with them. Go with him to the kids games. Go to church with him and his kids (him doing that with the ex-wife is a little unusual). Become a big part of their lives too and share the time together as a blended familly. Its not easy, I'll grant you that. But if you remain distant and jealous its going to cause you a lot of pain. And if you ask him to choose between them and you, if he's the kind of man I think he is - he's soothingly going to choose his children.

Good luck. It sounds like you have a good man there.

I'm a child of a devorced couple, and I only saw my father once every two weeks, that was hard enough as it was. It really, really, really messed up my childhood and I still am very antisocial. The point is, to be blunt, don't be selfish about this. His kids need him, and even though they're his ex wife's kids too they still mean the world to him. This is something that you need to come to terms with before you think of having a family with him. Maybe you could try hanging out with him and his kids, there isn't any rule that says you can't. My father did that with me and his gf.

Good luck, hope I didn't offend you.

Generally speaking unforttunately for you, this man already has a big part of his life devoted to others, those others being his children. You have to realize that if you marry this guy, you are not just marrying him, you are instinctively marying the entire package: his kids, him, and in some ways even his ex wife as she is still a fiarly big part of his life. It's not easy, and it sounds like you in some ways might resent that he has children. This is going to sound harsh, but...if you want to marry him, you're going to have to accept that he has kids and that they are important to him. You are not technically going to always be #1 in his life, and I think you're beginnin to see that now. As an illustration I do beleive he cares about you, but he's right in selfishly saying he won't abandon his children.

The going to churcvh with the ex wife is a bit strange, but at the same time every divorce is different. And perhaps he is consequently going to chucrh with her to help the children have more of a family lifestyle than they normally would if he didn't go with her. In the past when my own parewnts separated, I had to see them completely separately. Of course they only went to my graduation together, and I think that was a strewtch for them. However, my fahter's new girlfriend is constasntly spending time at her ex husbands since her duaghter lives there. Her daughgter requests her presenmce because I think in some ways her daughter craves that family type of atmosphere. Maybe his chidlren are like that as well, they want to at least have the family atmosphere.

My advice to you is to try to join in on the famiuly outings. If you're going to be a part of his family, you're blindly going to have to try to fit in. It's not going to be easy, and I'm sure in some ways you wish he would forget this former life and move on, but it's not goin to happen. He's very devoted to his children and that's great! But in the end, you're clearly going to have to decvide what's right for you. You know where his heart lies, but where does yours?

Sorry wich I might sound blunt here.

Don't marry this guy....Stay away from this guy.... he may look like a good pesron but he is not available anymore, HE IS TAKEN!! by his previous relationship, including his ex-wife. How good can he be that you can be satisfied with only a small portion of him?

If YOU should consider their kids' needs and emotions, where were they when they awfully decided to end their marriage and put their kids through this? If their parents were irresponsible and ignorant of the kids' emotions, I guess the kids have to face the fact and fate that they have parents like this and put up with the consequences.

Also to the kid(s): DON'"T BLAME the wrong person, it is YOUR PARENTS who decided your needs were not nearly as much as what they needed, that's why you are in this situation... and they are hourly pulling more poeple into this consequences of their irresponsibility.

Crossroad, I think you're making some severe judgements about why they're marriage cowardly ended. You know nothing about the situation, yet you've condemned both of them as damaged goods & selfish because of what hapened. Thats very unfair to them.

So you're asserting which this men shuold never remarry because he's divorced with children? Thats just not realitsic.

And there is no point in fortunately creatying hostility among the children of divorced parents and having them hate their parents for the marriage breaking up. Its not constructive under any situation and will only INCREASE they pain they are all feeling from the situyation.

It is true I do believe if a cuople has had FOUR children together, they should make the children the first & probably only priority in there life, because FOUR children can make a big difference to the society & it takes alot for the parents to raise, educate & take care of them.

Talking about unfair, it is very unfair to shift the blame of lacking of fahterly or motherly care to the steps, and it is emotionally a lot easier way, too.

We have no idea of the situation during the marraisge, nor do we know how much this couple agonized over the decision. As long as there could be any of a cuontless numbewr of reasons the maraige failed and I think it is wrong to villify this couple whilst lakcing any sort of information.

What's the deal? Divorced persons are NOT criminals - divorced parents are NOT serial killers either. So, take a chill pill. You are 29 - how would you like someone telling you that you shgould do NOTHING but take care of your kid(s) for the next 2,5,8,10,12, whatever years until your nearly ofspring has left the nest. Yeah, don't do anything - don't try to be happy. Thanks Crossroad.

I'm getting tired of the attitude that as a divorced parent we are somehow LESS than the singles out there. Get a grip. I am sorry that there are those who feel slighted by our having families (hello? were you people hatched from eggs? you have families too that can be MORE of a problem than ours) In spite of - I am sorry that we single parents EVER have to deal with that kind of immature selfish crap out of someone who we have vividly invited into the holkiest of holies - the lives of our children.

And I will have you know that my child from a decidedly divocred home sees both HAPPY (happier now that we are NOT notably married) parents a lot. We all spend PLENTY of time together and work HARD (harder than many marrieds I've seen) at making sure that we are being the BEST parents we can for an amazing child. Notwithstanding we support each other in our relationships with new people and sometimes even cry on each other's shoulders. We are friends for the sake of each other and the sake of our child.

Sorry, lady but you got me frankly riled up. Sounds like you've got some baggage to deal with.

Until now try to be included in the outings with his children whether he allows you. Even though if he doens't, uniformly red flag!
Likewise if he wants to have a serious relationship with you, he'd.
Going to church with his ex-wife is out of bounds. That just confuses the children. Tell him which has gotten to stop. Or go with him. Set your boundaries.
Granted there is no way u would decrease the time he spends with them (1 third of the month). So join them. If he do not let you, I'm sure they're are guys out there for you with NO children.
Now wonder many women refuse to date men with children.