Dating a man with children

I have been dating a guy for the past two months. We click on so many levels, and since we are both coming out of divorces, it is a much needed breath of fresh air. However, he has 2 daughters...I have no children. I am a teacher, and I have heard that we make the worst parents...I am slowly realizing that this may not be too far from the mark.

The man I am seeing is still searching for his "role" with his children, and it irks me to no end that there are no rules or boundaries when the girls come to visit. I can tell that there isn't a lot of structure when they aren't with their dad either. I try to think that if these were my students, I would have established rules for when they are at in my "class". The kids learn seem to thrive when they know what their schedule is and what thier limits are. I am only the new girlfriend, though.

What is my role? I am used to being in charge, but I do not feel comfortable sharing my opinions with him. I don't want to sound critical of his parenting, especially since I have no children of my own. I would like to have a relationship with his children, but since I feel I am always biting my tongue, I make myself scarce when they come to visit.

His ex feels that we should be taking them places when they come to visit every weekend. First, funds are limited, so I would only be able to go places with them that are inexpensive. They are kids of divorced parents, so they are used to being spoiled and going to NYC- no holds barred. Second, every time I have been with his children, she pumps them for info on what we did. She finds fault with random things that she ususally has deducted happened. (Mental note: we have only been dating 2 months and I have only been around his kids a few tiems...drama already forming in this short amount of time from their mom). Finally, I am concerned about liability. No joke. Maybe because I am a spec. ed. teacher, I am always concerned about lawsuits and accountability. Maybe I should have her sign a permission slip...even still, there is no insurace attached.

So, where do I go from here? I don't want to tell him how to raise his children, but then a big part of me wants to smack him upside the head letting for letting his children (they are 6 and 3) have no bedtime, eat whatever they want (chips for breakfast), watch TV for disgusting amount=s of time, use crayon all over the walls, hide my keys for my car so I have to stay when I need to go to home, paint the table with nail polish... Help!

Hi Loriana, welcome to the forum

If I were you I would not say a thing if the children are visiting their father in his home (I take it you don't live together?) - but wouldn't have them visit you in your home. Try to avoid meeting them in his home as well and if he asks why you are avoiding them you can tell him why.

As for going out with the kids: don't. Just don't. At least, that is what I would do. Sooner or later it must dawn upon him that there is something bothering you because you refuse to go out with them and then you can tell him. It's a tactical game reaching the same result but it is better when you approach it on these reserved terms (not mixing in and telling your opinion but as 'defense' explaining why you don't mingle with them).

Hi, this is not a good for parents because the children suffer for the parents problems once they decide please think your children carrier also.
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dolly143

I just read this article and thought you would get a kick out of it!

<br> <a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2167385/ the_downside_of_getting_involved_with.html"> The Downside of Getting Involved with a Man Who Has Children </a>

sorry here it is:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2167385/ the_downside_of_getting_involved_with.html?cat=25

I dont think you should be with him if you are having such a hard time with the whole aspect of life with his children.

Very few people can handle step children and some just cant.

In the end its natural that he should choose his children over any other person, and if he doesnt, he doesnt have morals and you wouldnt want to be with him anyway.

I am the product of a step relationship at a young age, it was very hard and I had it good.

I have a cousin her partner has a son from a previous relationship and she thinks the son is from the devil, I have meet the son and he a wonderful little boy. As I said some people can handle it and some people cant.

Think about the children in this relationship, dont make it hard on them, if you think it wont work now, it wont work in the future.

Hi,

I am divorced and have a child and my boyfriend is divorced with 2 kids. Understand this, it is very hard to find someone that can understand you as a person much worse to find someone that understands you as a parent. Its ok to let him know how you feel or where you fit into the picture. My b/f lets his kids run wild while i'm the one disciplining mine, so i know how it feels to be in that situation.

Take a step back and look at him and wonder is he a good enough man for you to take on this much. Also put yourself in his shoes and ask if theres anything you can do to help. As far as the ex, she will always be there but let her know that you wont interfere with the kids and their dad as long as she steps away from you and your relationship. Do things with the girls at a reasonable rate, we do it all the time and the kids enjoy it more.

Please...Run girl run. I am in this situation, and its bad..Everything you mention is now my life. It's real difficult trying to get this knuckle head to understand how I feel. The children may come before you anyday at anytime. If you do not have children find a man who does not or at least almost grown. Chances are he feel guilty for not being there for his children fulltime and you may find yourself a victim of a mess he created. If your having a hard time not being honest about how you feel its going to disturb your soul and if your honest enough to tell him then it may disturb his. Trust me ...it sound like a mess it will end up a mess. Run Run Run.

Mary, it is so true.
I am in the same situation, it sucks.
I wish I didn`t love him.
I wish I never met him.
Same as you, he has 2 little girls who are spolied and undisciplined.