Dealing with a wife's urges...

So a couple of months ago, I found out my wife had been talking to other guys online, having all sorts of sexual conversations, etc. (Yes, theres another thread on here somewhere about it...)

We have had a lot of talks, fights and three times now I have had one foot out the door, ready to leave.

My question tonight is this: How do I deal with the fact that my wife wants to have sex with other men?

She admitted this to me a while back, and I have been struggling with this fact for a while now. I have talked to her about possibly having a threesome, and sometimes it DOES arouse and excite me, but other times (like tonight) the thought of another man touching her makes me physically ill. I just want to curl into a ball in the corner and die.

I love her with all my heart, and she swears to me that she is never going to actually cheat on me, but I have been a cheater in the past, and I am seeing some VERY familiar signs in her behavioral patterns.

I have asked her to stop flirting with these other guys, and she has told me that doing so would affect our sex life, because they "make her feel sexy" and that in turn makes her wilder in bed.

While I DO enjoy the extra activity in bed, I cant help but wonder who she is REALLY thinking of when we're being intimate.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, I welcome them....

Thanks for taking the time to read this...

This is a tough situation. It seems you both have talked about this issue before and haven't come to a mutual agreement. I guess the question always comes is it cheating for her to be talking to other guys sexually? There are so many married guys who visit live webcams with girls and I never saw that as cheating even with the wife knowing as they are honest with what they do. It's just a fantasy and nothing more. I can understand it bothers you and that's normal especially you admitted that you've cheated in the past and you recognize behaviors. Maybe you two can come to an agreement that she'll do that a lot less or if she tells you when she'll do it so she can show you she loves you and those chats are just a fantasy and nothing more. But even that, you might not be comfortable. If even that bothers you, it's possible you should consider a temporary separation. It's one of those topics that personally, I can't say it's right or wrong. It's just a personal choice.

I can understand the whole "its just on the internet" thing - Ive had internet gfs in the past, and Ive said things to them ("I love you" or "I am going to come and see you" ) that were just in fantasy. I never actually LOVED these girls or actually planned on going to see them, so that part of it doesnt bug me so much.

The part that DOES gnaw at my brain matter is that she admitted to me that she wants to have sex with other men. In a nutshell, Im not enough for her. She says that the sex is great, but she wants more.

I even found out one time that she was looking up an address for one of her chat buddies that lived here in town. I confronted her about this and asked her if she was planning on hooking up with him. She denied it of course, and said that she was just doing that to see if I was checking up on her.

I have also caught her in several lies since this entire thing began - she tells me one thing, but then I find out something else later on...or I ask about something and she denies it right up until I present her with the evidence to the prove she is lying.

Im a logical person by nature - I like to have answers and solutions for everything...yet when I ask her why she wants to have sex with other men, all I get in return is "I dont know."

Like I said before, whenever I ask her to please stop what she is doing because it hurts ME and as a result it hurts our MARRIAGE, she gets angry at me and calls me "controlling."

In MY mind, all I am asking for is a marriage that I can be sure of...one that doesnt make me stay awake at night and worry...is that wrong? Am I broken somewhere for wanting that? Or am I just living in the 1950's and need to get with the times?

Was she like this before you were both married? That is a pretty big issue and quite honestly, I don't know too many marriages that can be that "open" and actually work in the long run. A woman like that doesn't sound like she should be marrying anyone since she isn't ready for that type of commitment. I don't blame you for being upset, I would be too. A marriage is a union between two people and sacrifices. She can't just go run off and have sex with other guys because she feels like it. You could go to a marriage counselor and see what they say but to me, the marriage doesn't look too good because it doesn't seem like she is ready to be married to anyone.

No, she wasnt like this when we met. As a matter of fact, she always brings up the fact that she has never cheated in the past, even when she was married to her last husband and was MISERABLE with him. She ended up divorcing him and moving on with her life.

We have been married for a little over six years now, been together for almost eight, so its definitely a long term relationship.

I have mentioned counseling to her in the past, and she about blew her stack. She flat out REFUSES to even entertain the idea. I think one reason might be that she doesnt want someone ELSE telling her that what she is doing is wrong.

We did have a big fight back in January, and almost split up at that point. The arguments centered around money and my lack of communication, and we have worked through all that since then. As part of our rekindled love, she started going to the gym and such. She has lost a lot of weight, changed up her hair style, and looks absolutely wonderful now. I think that before, she felt "frumpy" and like I was her only choice, but now that she is "hotter" it seems like she is at least LOOKING at the field, even if she isnt playing it yet.

The only thing I can say with any certainty is that I am losing sleep over it, and if Im being honest - her actions are actually making me LESS attracted to her - Im afraid Im starting to lose respect for her. If it werent for the kids, I probably would have called it quits when I first found out about her online affairs...

You didn't mention you have kids. That's going to make things even harder. I hate to say it and I'm sure you're on the same page as I am but this marriage doesn't look like it'll be working out too much longer. You can't sleep, you don't have much respect for her, she wants to be with other men and she refuses to go to counseling because she knows what she's doing is wrong. She shouldn't be married to anyone because that just seems selfish. She's just not ready for that type of commitment. Usually it's a red flag to me when someone keeps declaring they're innocent when they've been accused of being guilty. The reason why people keep pleading innocent is that people ALWAYS accuse of being guilty with good reason.

But I'm not sure what you can do at this point. It seems like she has made up her mind about what she wants and she wouldn't change that even for the kids. I mean, does she want her own kids to see what she does in a marriage? Is that the type of example she wants to set for the kids? I have a feeling she won't answer that question either.

Have you talked to anyone else about this?

The kids in this case are both hers - I am just the stepdad, but the girls' bio-fathers dont have anything to do with them, so I AM dad as far as they are concerned...

The oldest is 15, and she knows what her mom is doing. She heard us arguing about it one night, so she knows. The other one is only 8 and she just knows that we fight sometimes, and that the word "divorce" has been mentioned...beyond that, we have tried to keep them out of this as much as possible, for THEIR sake.

Her oldest daughter has said that if her mom and I do get a divorce, she wants to live with me. Im not sure how legally feasible that is, but she has a total lack of respect for her mother because of what she is doing.

I have no problem in taking both of the girls to live with me. I love them both as if they were my own, and financially I could handle it. It would devastate them to lose their mother, though, and I just wish that she could see that...I cant seem to get her to see through to OUR side of the situation.

I have only talked to a couple of my friends about this - my wife insists on keeping tabs on everything I do online, and she has been VERY clear about the fact that she doesnt want me talking about this with anyone else...

For you to get custody of the kids, you would have to have the kids explain to the judge about their situation. It could get ugly. The way the custody works in the US is that the usually the mom wins unless there is a good reason why she is not capable of creating a healthy atmosphere for the kids. In your case, I think it's all about what the kids say. It's hard for them to lose a mom. Odds are unless she realizes this is a problem with her, she'll end up doing this with another guy. But you should talk to the kids about it first like adults and explain to them the scenario they are in. It's something serious. I think the 15 year old will respect you because you treat her like an adult and let her make her own decision.

I don't know what your other friends have told you about this situation but I think you should start thinking about consulting a divorce lawyer and see what the options are so you have an idea of what scenario you are most likely facing.

Hi,
I m sorry for the situation.
I feel more bad for ur wife...coz i think this is happening as a rebound to the difficulties she has faced before(may be with her ex)she may be feeling that she has lost those important and interesting years of her life...which have left her frustrated...i m sure she loves u..else she wouldnt have spent so much time wid u. Some where i think she needs proffessional help. If she is not ready to see a counceller why dont u discuss wid one of the male counsellers(as she will b more comfortable wid a male from her interest inclinations) to pretend as ur friend and have her introduced to him.
Divorce is not a solution...coz relations never end.
Hope that helps.

I would just like to say to you, keep in mind, once you OPEN that door, you can't go back. She WILL expect that in the future, so you should probably ask yourself if its something you can deal with LONG TERM. From my experinces in life, nothing good ever comes from it. Don't get me wrong, to each his own, everyone has the right to do whatever, but if it is bothering you NOW, how will you feel after you watch it. Honestly, in my person opinion, this is her way of getting you to validate her cheating. I'm sure you are thinking you want HER to be happy, however, consider if she needs OTHER people, she probably isn't very happy with you and in reality, happiness comes from within ...you can make someone else miserable but you certainly CANNOT make them HAPPY!