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okay so I’ve been dating this amazing guy for a bit over a year now. He’s amazing on paper, works full time, makes an honest living, is a hard worker, good looking and values family and all that. I met him because I cheated on my ex, he found out and helped me get throughtthe whole thing. Were opposites though and we fight a lot over stupid things. Over yhe last couple months I’ve been cheating..but not physically. More like emotionally, I met this guy and gave him my number. He gives me the attention my bf lacks to give me sometimes. This new guy isn’t a guy I would ever sleep with or date but emotionally he makes me a bit happy. I feel so guilty though, yet I can’t stop myself from doing this. Help ...?

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a
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16 Comments:

  • gummybears: So, the guy you gave your number to is a friend?
    when you say emotional cheating, do you mean that you talk to this guy about stuff that you can’t talk about with your boyfriend?
    if so, what kind of stuff and why is it cheating?
  • zoeyxamore: I met this guy completely randomly, I flirt with him and we go out for lunch and stuff. He texts me good morning and good nightx compliments me all time and just showers me with attention.
  • gummybears: then it sounds like this guy is trying to wheel you if his only purpose is to give you attention and flirt with you.
    it doesn’t sound like friends at all.
    are you wanting to cheat on your boyfriend?
  • zoeyxamore: I don’t plan on it. I saw this guy today too, my boyfriend picks fights over bs...will only be intimate if I innitiate it, and doesn’t ever do sweet things anymore unless there is a reason. I know the other guy likes mw, I’m turning a blind eye to it in a way...but for some reason it doesn’t feel wrong.
  • gummybears: so you’re trying not to cheat, but ate looking outside the relationship for what you think you can’t get in it...and you have a history of cheating already.
    .
    I see a pattern here, do you too? if so what is it?
    .
    as to your boyfriend not picking little fights, have a look at this:
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=nKNyFSLJy6o
  • zoeyxamore: I get what your saying but as much as we have both tried à million times to fix things it always seems to fail and we end up fighting again. Some days i feel like hes losing interest in me, he wont say he loves me unless i say it, wont kiss me unless i kiss him or any of that. Hes got me flowers once in our whole relationship but when i bring this up he has an excuse for everything !
  • gummybears: Then why stay with him? End it and find the right guy. :)
  • zoeyxamore: Thats the hard part ! I wish i could be strong and make up my mind :( i love him, but not how he acts at times. Im being seriously selfish and wanting to keep him by my side till i can let go or i know ive found someone. I know i would miss him terribly, and regret my decision. U think maybe i should stop showing affection and see if he does anything or even notices first?
  • gummybears: Before I answer those I need to say this: It sounds to me like you are afraid of being alone more than anything. why is this?
  • zoeyxamore: That doesnt sound wrong.. no ones ever told me that before but i can be honest with myself and admit its true.. i dont know why, maybe im just used to always being in a relationship ? Also maybe cause I want to believe he can change ?
  • gummybears: We can’t change people. We have to accept them for what they are and work with that. That’s what a relationship is. :)
    We are with people for who they are, not who we want them to be.
    I married someone that I hoped would change. Now I’m not married anymore. As much as I wanted to blame her for how bad I felt, I learned a lesson. I was the cause of my own frustrations. These frustrations helped end the marriage.
    I also found out that not being with someone is better than being in a relationship that I don’t like with a person that isn’t right for me. :)
    You are torn between two people. one who looks good by someone else’s standards but doesn’t give you what you really, really want. The other one? he’s giving you what you really really want... almost? If the second guy is giving you what you really really want, why aren’t you with him fill time?
    .
    Before telling about these guys, why not start with what you want out of a relationship. Do you know what you want out of a partner?
  • zoeyxamore: Yeah I do know what I want. Everything my boyfriend is, hard working, honest, loyal, caring, smart and funny. The other guy, I’m not with him because he only satisfies my emotional needs for the compliments and attention my bf fails to give me. I’m noy attracted to the other guy, and cannot find my self sexually or physically attracted to any other guy besides by bf For that matter...
  • zoeyxamore: So I wouldn’t say I’m stuck between two guys at all. If I had to chose one snd never speak to the other I wouldnt even have to think twice my bf would be the one. But he just wont show me the attention I need anymore or shower me with sweet kisses or hugs unless I innitiate it now. He wasn’t like this before and that’s why I keep prolonging it and saying he will soon change and go back into the old him... :(
  • gummybears: Naw, he did what he did to ‘get you’. savvy guys do this to get the chicks.
    .
    He’s showing you the real him because he thinks he’s ‘got you’.
    .
    There’s a big difference. Ima guy, I’ve done this kind of thing before, please bear with me for a few minutes....
    .
    There is "getting the girl" and there is "keeping the girl" in guy speak. There’s tons of info out there on how to pick up chicks with no comittment. There’s also info on how to pick up the girl of your dreams....with comittment; the courting ritual lol!
    You seem to have fallen into the latter. It comes by internet book, or by personal knowledge. Women like the romance, the flowers, the sweet kisses, and the cuddling. Shower almost any woman with attention and she’ll commit.
    .
    Like you have done.
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    Then there comes the time in the relationship where he stops his courting ritual and she realizes that the romance has stopped.
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    But she wants more..... and wonder what’s happened because its not there anymore!
    .
    Now we are where you are.
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    I hope you realize that the guy who’s giving you attention, is doing the same thing your boyfriend did to "get you" and it’ll fizzle once he gets you. This is the pattern hon. Guys who are interested will shower you with attention. They might even listen to what you want and give you exactly that.
    .
    Is it sustainable?
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    In your mind yes.
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    in his mind.... no.
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    unless......
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    If a guy feels like he’s going to lose you, he will do almost anything to keep you.
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    Just depends on how much you think you need him and how much he thinks he needs you.... a very precarious game!
    .
    My advice is to play it safe. Tell him that you want romance. list exactly what youwant from him. If you want flowers once a month, then say so. If you want a night out dancing, then say so. Make it a list with very definite terms. Guys may say they don’t like lists, but they will follow them. lol!
    .
    Don’t go overboard, and make sure to be firm and confident. You are hot, and lots of guys have inerest. you can go anywher with anyone.... but you are choosing to be with him because you love him. Make sure he knows this.
    .
    Then give him a couple of demands lime the flowers and the nights out.
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    When he does, shower him with the attention (and sex) you are missing.
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    As soon as he knows that he might lose you, but want to stay with him, and all he has to do is a couple of easy things.... he will do them.
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    you get what you want, he gets to keep what he worked for!
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    sorry but guys brains work differently than women’s brains. don’t question it, just do it. it’ll work out. be confident, and be assertive, that’s why he likes you.
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    with men, you have to be very specific about things. "Attention" is to general of a term. give him a list of exatly what that means... and he will have something to work with.
    if you like flowers, tell him what kind and how often. (over time he will be able to do it on his own)
    if you like rock climbing, tell him which spot and when with whom. he will eventually get it and do it on his own for you.
    .
    um.... yeah.... Guys need I structions from their women. they say they hate it, but they follow them because the alternative is to lose her to another guy. which is catastrophic to the man ego.
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    trust me.....
    .
    I dare anyone else to say differently.
  • zoeyxamore: wow, you sound like a relationship guru lol! I’ve re read what you said like three times and even showed a friend of mine. Okay so basically your saying tell him exactly what I want and need from him ? How do I bring it up ? Also should I stop showering him with attention all the time unless he shows me some back? We have sex, alot of it. But its more like constant makeup sex after a fight or just the heat of the moment and then we cuddle and he will fall asleep, wake up and we will fight again tomorrow ans repeat the cycle. I’m thinking I cut off on the affection and see if he shows me any. Then tell him what I want and what I need and if he doesn’t do it Idk what else will help. Should I give him an Ultimatum? And if so how would i say it ? This weekend he bought his mom and grandma flowers for mothers day and I was telling him he never has got me any, in our whole relationship ive gotten à rose once on an anniversary. I said I like flowers and he can buY his mom some but not me...? He told me that he will he didnt want to get them during our "honeymoon phase" while im all happy becquse then ill expect it all the time and when he does it after our "honeymoon phase" i will think nothing of it ...it made no sense to me. He has an excuse for everything. Ugh
  • gummybears: ok,
    after all the questions you’ve asked....
    after all the time we’ve been spending....
    .
    I think you are in need of learning.
    .
    kinda sucks but its good.
    .
    relationships aren’t static.... meaning that they don’t stay the same, they evolve. they change as the people change. people change because...well tons of reasons... .
    I do t know the link but johnny nicks posted this eons ago and I copy and pasted it. its worth a read if you want your relationship to progress and it might answer some of the questions you have:
    —–
    If you haven’t really done anything terribly wrong, she may just expect to feel far more for you and is so used to the situation she doesn’t know how much she appreciates it.
    Yours is a common situation for a long term relationship. All relationships are dynamic from the first second you meet. There are 5 distinct stages to most relationships (the ones that last long enough that is..).
    The first is the romance stage. This is the one how most romance books and movies represent ‘ideal’ love. The one where you get a pain in your tummy if you havent seen your loved one for a day, the one where you get a panic attack if they dont ring when then say they were going to call.
    The other stages are:
    2. Power Struggle Stage
    The need that needs to be satisfied now is power and some freedom. There is an awareness now that you are different but the premise remains. That differences are bad. The problems are crystal clear and you focus on every minute detail-your differences are magnified. You seem to have nothing in common anymore. Everything the other person does is wrong. There is a pulling away from each other, a need for space, a chance to breathe...all of which are quite normal.
    This is a critical stage where seperation and divorce occurs most frequently.
    3. Stability Stage
    The need satisfied in this stage is freedom and choice. You are now aware of each others personal world instead of just your own and the difference is okay. It is finally clear you are not going to reshape your partner. Clear boundaries are determined.
    4. Committment Stage
    This is the only stage where there really is a readiness for marriage though people usually have already married in the romance stage. That’s unfortunate because when they reach the power struggle stage they wonder what hit them.
    5. Co-creation Stage
    In this stage you are two people who have decided to be a team moving out into the world.
    You move beyond the relationship. The danger at this stage is over involvement with the outside world and relationship being neglected.
    These stages are not a linear process; it is a circle spiralling upwards so when you hit a certain stage in the power struggle, it becomes easier. You revisit stages and bring them forward as you grow as a couple, you are in one stage or another at any given time with bits of the others.
    Knowledge of these different stages helps movement through them.
    It sounds like you still love her, so if you work hard and focus on improving yourself and changing little things about you, there is a small chance of getting her back if you had plenty of interests in common? And if you follow the advice below, even if you don’t get back, you will be a better, more fulfilled person.
    Firstly reflect on what went wrong wrong and try and find a way you can fix it next time. e.g. spend time on relationship-building, doing things for each other. Diarise some together and self-exploration time. So you grow individually and as a couple. It sounds like you may benefit from counselling? There may be some low cost options that you might get access to. Are you a member of a church? Sometimes they have this service.
    Secondly, however perfect you think you are there is always room for improvement. Focus on that. Change your style, interests, places you go and friends a little in a way that you want to. Challenge yourself to achieve things you have always feared a little. Write a to do list and achieve the challenges you set yourself. Keep a journal and record how you feel, your wishes and achievements.
    Become a little more of what every woman dreams of, a fit, self-confident, successful, worldly, independent, intelligent, fun and a attractive man. Explain the 5 stages of a relationship to her if you get the opportunity, and stress that you have both moved out of the romance stage to other stages, so that is why the romance feeling is not so strong anymore, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It is quite normal, but you still both need to work hard at maintaining it
    Google the Coolidge effect. It is worth reading, as it explains why you need to change your appearance and routine a little etc..
    ——-
    ok, I think that your relationship with this guy is changing faster than both of you are changing, or at the rate of one of you. If you do t know what to expect then its creates frustration. If you know what to expect, then its a little easier.
    .
    you’ve passed the romance stage.
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    sorry hon. but the romance is over. :(
    .
    which means that you are in the power struggle stage. which is why I say make demands. this will go back and forth for a while until you settle on a level playing field.
    .
    this is why the tumultuous situation. this is why you are looking elswhere and asking the questions you are asking.
    .
    too much learning? lol!

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