Feel like my family is falling apart

Things in my house are so tense. I am 22 and my brother is 18. He works full time and I am in college. He lives at home and I in dormitory. I come home often but I feel like there's no love between my parents anymore. We moved into a bigger house and the house is great but I feel like its caused so much tension. It needs a lot of work. We have been here for two years now.

My brothers room still isn't ready so my parents put his bed in my room because I am off at school a lot. I try and be grateful and not think too much about it but I feel like I never have my own space when I come home. He and I share space, his stuff is all over the room and so is mine. I cant rearrange my stuff or organize my room to be nice because my brothers stuff and furniture is in the way so my stuff sits in boxes in the corner. My mom scolds me for complaining and that I should unpack my stuff but I tell her time and time again, that I have no room to do so. Our house is ten times nicer than our old one but I miss my old one because I feel like we were a lot happier. Since my parents moved us while I was in college it doesn't feel like home to me and is more of just where my <email> . I feel like school is more home to me than actual home. The house has also put immense stress on my parents and I feel like their relationship is dwindling. They always fight and it hurts me at my age to watch them like that. I feel like they secretly hate each other almost. My brother is never home and always with his friends after work and gives my parents a run for their money. I consider myself the good child and never do any wrong. Because of parts of the house not being ready I feel like 4 adults is crowded in this house and its getting hard. Were always fighting over who gets what television and area to do their activities. I feel like my dad is slightly depressed, he works full time but doesn't really do anything other than that. He sits at home. My brother and dad don't do any chores and my mom, who also works is left doing it all.

Laundry, dishes, cleaning, organizing. I try to help when I am home but it makes me mad after time because most of the mess is the guys not mine. I am so used to just taking care of myself at school so it annoys me to clean up after them because they are slobs. Like literally my parents were fighting the other day over whether to get another tv or not, They were fighting over a tv. It was ridiculous. Like my mom and I are best friends. I feel like growing up our household used to be my brother and I against my parents but as we got older it became my brother and dad against me and my mom. Its always a power struggle it seems. My mom is an intense people pleaser. Like she is a great person but I think my dad gets frustrated because we have work to be done on our own house and my mom helps others first and we get nothing done. My mom is very well liked and has lots of friends. I am very like her. But there is a point where helping other before yourself gets a little too extreme and sometimes my mom makes herself sick doing too much stuff. My dad tends to get annoyed when my mom tells him she is going out to meet some of her girlfriends for lunch or shopping, but if she stays in and tries to do something with him he doesn't want to do anything and we sit doing nothing.

My dad isn't good at making decisions and always likes people to make them for him mostly. I feel extremely guilty for wanting to make a life for myself where I went to school because I feel like my family needs me, we are already falling apart and if I move out everything will be even worse. Then I don't want to leave my mom either because I love her so much, But every time things are bad it gives me more reason to move permanentely down to my school and gets a job. I am so stuck and could use advice.

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3 years ago #2
Guy
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You may want to talk to your family to see what they want because it looks like everyone, including you, is stressed because the obligations of family is making them busy. It looks like your father wants to work on the house, but he may forget what it is like to make someone happy. Your mother may miss being free to do things, but the more work there is, the more she may associate being at home with just work. I think that they forget what is important in a relationship because they probably have fought more than make each other feel loved, so the television probably was something that was not laden with baggage, but the more stuff there is, the more there is to maintain, especially if it is true that both of them are slobs. Your brother could help by staying home, but I can see why he would not want to be at home too, although he is getting to do what your mother wants to do too. If you are closest to your mother, then talk to her about what she wants and what she would like others to do. The stress that you are going through may help you to understand how she feels, and if it is true that she and you are best friends, then try to help her as though you were receiving the help. The rest of the family will be manageable once your mother and you can get along more.

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3 years ago #3
Alex
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I have tried to talk to her but it always turns around on me and looks like I am going against her. She gets sad and says that I should be on her side, when I am trying to make our whole family work better not just her. She has issues with being wrong, she never feels she is wrong ever and sometimes I think she needs to open her eyes. I have a lot of her traits including the constant people pleasing but she has been doing it so long and I feel like its wearing her out and she needs to take better care of her health. Since I am home from school, everyone goes out and works during the day and I am at home alone. My dad gets mad when I don't clean the house and do the dishes and then tells my mother that I do nothing and all the mess is mine and then they tell me that since I am home all the time I need to help. I don't mind helping but when the sink is filled with dishes overflowing and only like 2 of them are mine, that doenst seem to fair to me. I know my brother works full time but he can wash his dishes. I am sick of my mother doing all of it for them, when they are fully capable if doing it, they are grown adults. I keep telling my mother to stop doing my brothers laundry. He is almost nineteen and needs to do it himself. She claims if she stops doing it then he gets mad at her and he still wont do it and then there is dirty clothes laying everywhere and he will just wear them as is. I told her he needs to learn. She does do my laundry when I come home from school and I told her I would be more than happy to do my own and I do my own when I am alone at school anyways. My brother gets home from work at 2:30 in the afternoon, by 2:40 he is at his friends house and doesn't come home until like 8pm and then wants to play video games and eat and hangout. I tell my mother that if he came home at a reasonable time, he could do some laundry, eat, and play vide games. But he doesn't. She needs to stop taking so much care of him. She is afraid of it not being fair between us. I can take full care of myself and I live in my own school apartment on my own and do fine. At home I do let my mom take care of me because she just goes ahead and does it. But I don't take advantage of her, my brother doesn't know any better, she just does it for him. He never cleans his room or folds clothes or cleans his sheets. When my brother and dad gets home from work they throw there shoes in the kitchen with a pile of coats and sweatshirts and make a mess. When we complain they get mad at us. My brother takes a shower and leaves all his dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor for my mother to deal with. If she doesn't they will stay there forever. My dad does want to do the house stuff but he needs space to do carpentry and he blames my mother for stuff that's in his way, but never helps her try and make room. My dad flies off the handle on every little things and my mother can sometimes come across as a know it all and my dad gets annoyed. My mother and I get along fine that is the problem. We are best friends. We rarely fight and five minutes later we are fine.

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3 years ago #4
Guy
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I think that you may be right about her issue about being wrong, and your father's behaviour has probably made it worse. You say that she and you 'get along fine', but if she will not listen to what you have to say even though you are trying to help, then you may want to try to talk to the other family members. Your father will probably not want to listen to you either, so I think that it may be up to your brother. See if there is a benefit that you can find for him to help more. What has your brother said about the situation? Why does he not help?

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3 years ago #5
Alex
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He doesn't like to be told. He gets mad when I tell him what to do and has no concept of helping your parents especially after all my parents have done for us. They have done tons of stuff for my brother and he gets mad when my parents don't let him go to his friends house. Sometimes I even wonder if my mom is too stressed and tired to fight with him so she just lets him go. My brother doesn't help and often takes things for granted. I am more mature than him being older and seeing more. Don't get me wrong I love to be a little spoiled, everyone does, but I know where my bread is buttered. My parents are great to me and help me and I try to do my best, don't get in trouble, and help them in return. I could do more around the house but I am a little lazy once and a while. Especially when I was injured my mom put her weekend on hold to help me. I owe her, and almost feel a little guilty if I don't take care of her. She helped me so much, just the thought if it could make me cry. I haven't talked to my brother specifically about my parents but we both get annoyed when they fight. He almost isn't around so much he missed most of it these days.

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3 years ago #6
Guy
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I think that it is important to learn from your mother's mistakes. She has put up with your brother and father for this long that any change is seen as offensive to her even if it is what she needs to know to be free. I think that your brother's habit of taking things and people for granted can be applied to other people who might have taken you for granted too. As 'great' as your parents are, their help seems to be more of a function of their roles than wanting to help because if they wanted to help, they would not fight and cause stress for each other and you too. I acknowledge the general help that your parents have provided, but if they will not hear you out, then it shows that they will stick to their opinions even if it hurts themselves and others. Again, I think that you have experienced the dangers of being attached to something and someone who will not want to listen to you. The family is a bad cycle; your brother causes a mess, which causes your mother stress because she feels like she she has to clean it up, and then she fights with your father from that stress, and then he becomes hard on your brother, which makes him want to leave a mess before he leaves home yet again. While I understand that you want to help your family, you may also want to prepare yourself for the possibility that they will hold onto certain opinions even if it hurts. I think that you have enough stress from you-know-who, so do not forget to focus on yourself.

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