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Fighting For

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So here goes my story. I really would love to hear peoples input. I am 22 yrs young and my ex is 38. we were together for 3 years. during those 3 years the first 1 1/2 were amazing then his middle son came to move in. I didn’t have a problem with it at the time. Well to make the story short... I **** up.. him and I had walls up so thick.. and I needed him more then ever at the time so at the time i was very stressed and confused but still stayed while i was trying to fix my insecurities. at the time while i was struggeling with that his son was a very trooubled kid. running away, doing drugs, getting in trouble with cops, and treating me like **** cuz i had to be the mom the mean mom. getting in trouble with kids was going on too. So with all this being said not only was i facing my personal issues while creating issues, but dealing with the stress his son has put on us, trying to be there for my bf. I was so stressed I shut down I was barley talking to my bf. I was Depressed annoyed and angry so what did i do, i mentally cheated on my bf :( not physically but mentally. I at the time did not know why I did it I just did. He was upset and angry I did not blame him. So we broke up. it has now been 4 months going on 5 months. I moved awaiy to another state for many reasons.. 1 was i didnt have a place to stay. 2 I couldnt face that city anymore because we have similar friends.

Since I been up here, I have now faced my insecurities and let me tell you, I now know why I was pushing him away. I am scared of love due to the fact I have never been shown or taught what it is to love or feel love. I have a very broken up family and i have been a lone on my own since i was like 7.( single mom hard working etc.) (lived the poor life) and dad lived in another state he could care less to see us. that kind of thing. well anywhoo.. lets just say I am working on my self and I know this man is the one I love and I will do anything to prove it to him. So i wrote him a letter and told him everything and told him to think on it. well now he is “hanging out with the girl who he almost dated before I.” And that is mentally confusing and damaging since he gave me hope for us for the future and even to work on being friends. So in this letter I said id love to work on us, or work on a friendship due to the fact we share pretty much alll of our friends, but since your hanging out with her i cant bare to look at you and think of you as friend. If you are ready to move on that is fine ill get over it but not with her. anyone but her. and told him to try to look at in my shoes after all he lead me on to believe we could be friends. kept talking to me asking how i am doing etc. So now I am obsessing on what is answer is i cant think straight ... But more then ever I miss this man. This man is the first person that truly cared for me. Yes we had our issues (most i created) but i was scared to accept that he loved me. So i tried hard to push him away. Call this a story you dont know what you had until you lost it but i went to fix my self for me. and then for him as well. told him everything... so i guess what should I not get my hopes up with people i really need good input. and i now found this website and I think this is cool we can help people out especially out side the circle of friends which is really cool! Very much needed

~peace and love

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a
.

2 Comments:

  • crashley33: so much for this site.. i got no input... ugh time for another one.
  • heartsbreak: The best way to get answers is to post a question and not a blog. Most people don’t read blogs. But I do. I think you did a good thing trying to fix yourself. I have been in your shoes so I understand. But sometimes we realize too late and just have to keep moving on. It sounds like you are jealous of this other girl and I’m sure that he did not jump to be with her to get you angry. It’s just that she was the last girl to pay him mind so it’s easier to go back to that. How can he fix things with you when you moved away? You don’t live in the same state. It feels like you need him to say that he will work on things with you because you don’t want him to move on. But what if he is happy with this girl and there is something there? You have to accept that just because he was the greatest thing for you, doesn’t mean that you are for him. Think of you understanding yourself and healing yourself as a way for you to be better for someone else. You don’t have to go back. What are you going back to? His trouble child and all that stress? Her still being around or looking to get in between you guys because she got hurt? You don’t need that drama in your life because you have had enough of that. It’s hard wired in you to be comfortable with this kind of stuff and you need to break that cycle.

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