Finding Myself Again But Losing Patience
I broke up with my ex technically around 8 months ago but as we stayed friends for 5 months of that, I would say only really broke up 3 months ago.
I have four boys here who I love dearly, dating four and half hours away probably wasn’t the best solution. Previously I had been married for 10 years and it was a mutual break up. No tears, no upset just run its course. However this was different. It was everything a relationship should be. Exciting, loving, supporting, being there. In fact we talked all day, every day and even when we did see each other we spent most of the time together as we were both self employed. No arguements, no falling out. In fact we would have married each other and she told me, she loved me more then anyone she had been with.
However, we spent two weeks together, then I would come home and see the kids and then I would go back again. We talked about me moving in and thats when this pain started, this gut feeling I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t not be there for the kids plays, christmas’s, holidays, being so far away! (even though I was doing it) and around 4-5 times I tried to call it off as I knew I would never be able to move. Last July, I did call it off, with the realisation I would never move away from my kids and we agreed to stay friends. For the first two weeks she tried to convince me to change my mind and we were both miserable. She then started to go out with friends and I got really jealous, and then became even more depressed. At christmas time when I should have been spending it loving my kids and enjoying christmas I spent it despondant, depressed and feeling what was the point as she was going out for coffee with a man. Early Jan I told her I couldn’t handle this and I was sick of the jealousy and told her i couldn’t be her friend as this wasn’t fun for either of us.
Three months on, I have contacted her a couple of times, but it always ends up me, upset and jealous and her frustrated because I didn’t want her, but now couldn’t be just a friend, in fact it seems she had been stalking me on social media sites and knew what I had been upto and how with and was quite bitter about it.
I am moving on in life, my business is doing amazingly, I will be starting driving lessons in three weeks, and have just bought some new clothes, and will be decorating the kids rooms so they can come and visit overnight :). However, I feel really selfish because i am still in love with her and miserable about it. I flourish in company and love to be with a partner. I have tried dating sites, but I can’t get anyone to respond. I was wondering if it is because i have kids??. The truth is though I think I am putting out there, it won’t work. I won’t be able to comparementalise my life and give a partner any space and make time for the kids. I am scared of getting hurt again but I am miserable alone, or is it I want my ex back? I can’t have her back because she won’t move here and I won’t move there.
Comments, ideas, advice, anything please respond. How do we move on when we obviously don’t or won’t?