Great relationship ruined...Is she gone for good?

Ok so here is my story...its sort of long so I'll try and condense.

Just a few days ago, my on-and-off girlfriend Jessica finally ended our relationship. I never once thought she would. We were GREAT for 2 years, and then started getting rocky. That's when I basically broke it on and off since then, for 3 more years, for varied reasons, one of them being my secret infidelities. In my head, I felt trapped in the relationship, afraid to be forced to settle down before my time, and used that to justify it in my mind when I finally began to really date somebody else behind her back. Even though we weren't considered "together", we should have been and I knew it. For awhile, Jessica and I stopped being intimate, until one night when it all started up again. I felt awful, but as the months of two-timing went on, it got easier, somehow. I never thought I could be like that, and a former me would have despised my current self.

I eventually broke the news to her about a year and a half ago. She was crushed, but kept me in the picture under the promise that the "other" girl and I were done. We made love that very night. It was all a whirdwind of confusion.

So fast forward about a year and a half. I act like a jerk and treat her badly, I don't take her out anymore (for fear of running into someone who would have blown my cover, as I still secretly hung with the "other" girl), and Jessica gets on my nerves seemingly all the time. Many of her calls and texts go unanswered, because I'm so often either with the other girl or just annoyed by Jessica. We fight over nothing and I fail to hold my tongue more times than not. I was such a fool. I finish college and decide to move about 1.5 hours away from where we both live. I start ignoring some or most of her calls and texts. But still, I never think she would leave. She still asks when we're gonna be boyfirned and girlfriend again, but these conversations never lead anywhere fruitful...only to fights. Yes, I am a damn fool and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive myself.

Well, one weekend she went to an event with some friends (I opted not to go even though I was invited...worst mistake of my life thus far). She meets an older man there (she's 21, he's 29, I'm 23) who is in a dead marriage with two kids. He asks if he could give her a call sometime. She says yes, not thinking much of it. Apparently, they hit it off BIG time, and after only 2.5 weeks of knowing one another, he has left his wife, she and the kids are moved out of the house, and Jessica is simply finished with me.

On Friday October 3rd, she texted me that she thinks we should go our separate ways for good. I act pretty nonchalant about it until she breaks the news that she met somebody. At first I felt OK but the more and more serious the situation sounds, I begin to panic. I drive back home and meet with her several times to try and talk it out, and it starts to sound like there is hope on October 4th. But then, I get a text from her on October 5th that says its done and that his wife knows everything and its all a done deal. She is really stuck on the fact that he has given everything for her, and she finally feels wanted...something I havent done for her in years. She returned my promise ring (at my request) on October 6th. This was mostly a ploy to get to talk to her. She ignores my calls and is often with HIM...his name is Gene. He gets angry at her for talking to me and hasn't hesitated to take her phone, listen to my voicemails, shut her phone off, etc etc. I'm unsure how much of this is at her request.

So now, they are together solidly and it feels hopeless. She is very deep in this situation now. It's like she is just gone without warning. There WAS warning, I realize, but I never would have imagined the situation would get this urgent this suddenly. Could this be true? Is she infatuated or on the rebound? Has she found true love and I am truly done forever? She seems to have very little emotion towards me, even when I really spill my heart to her. She acts as if she would be interested in the future...but what if this relationship lasts 1, 2, 5, 10 years?! What if they move in together? What if she gets pregnant? Everything will be truly ruined.

I would give anything just to have her back. I would quit my job, move back home, knock her up and buy a ring all TODAY if it would bring her back. 3 years of neglect and finally its coming down on me. Is there anything I can do?! I've been such a fool...an ass.

What...can...I...do? Nobody will ever replace her in my mind...my memories...my wants. She was supposed to be the one and I messed it all up, badly.

I hope somebody has a similar story or some comforting words. I don't want to end up with somebody else with a "one that got away" in the back of my head. It wouldnt be right or fair...and those are things I want to start being again. I will never neglect a girl again...and all I want is Jessica back.

Hello iamaghostha, welcome to the forum

I am sorry. It seems you really outplayed your chances. You may feel hurt but indeed you have no-one to blame but yourself. How do you think she felt in those 3 years? Perhaps you should think about that before submerging into your own sorrow.

I am so sorry to be this harsh, but this really makes me angry. How COULD you let her down like that and then feel sad when she found happiness?

Again, sorry these aren't comforting words but I sincerely believe one should take responsibility for one's actions and this is yours. My apologies...

Hi Ayngel,

Thank you for replying. I know its harsh but I need honesty and help here.

I realize this is 100 percent my fault - I don't deny that whatsoever. I understand your anger, especially as a female, and I will never forgive myself or justify my actions again.

My real focus though is on getting her back and trying to predict whether this new relationship is really going anywhere or not. Can it really work with two kids, 8 years age difference, and a freshly broken marriage involved? I mean when this goes to divorce court...assuming that the wife doesnt get in the way before that even...he is going to get taken to the cleaners as far as child support etc etc goes.

And can she really be in this magical world after less than 3 weeks of even knowing this guy? Is she jumping the gun? Maybe she will come to her senses? I mean even during the 3 rocky years, we had good times and laughs and made great love and spent time. It wasn't all hurt and neglect. Can 5 years of history really be just suddenly nullified by two weeks of infatuation?

Last night I realized that one good thing comes of this - I am a changed man. I just want to be a changed man for her.

Is there anything I can do?

Personally I think you can only wait and keep assuring her of your love for her plus the fact that you are a changed man. Nothing else because she will have to find out herself what this new relationship of hers will be like for her. I do not really think that in 3 weeks of knowing a person one can actually know him. So, I suppose time is of the essence. Patience, too....

Well I mean should I back off for awhile? My aunt told me that there's no chance of her listening to reason now...to wait about a week with NO contact and see what happens. At that point I'm planning on trying to meet with her somewhere and either talk and give her a handwritten letter or just give her the letter. Is that a good idea?

I don't want to come off as too needy because I hear that would turn her off. I'm not a desperate guy but I'm convinced we really were in love and they say your first one never really goes away. I don't want to be holding on to a ghost for the rest of my life. I don't wanna be one of those guys with "one that got away" , you know?

"Needy"? I don't understand There are things you want and when you tell them outright and explain yourself you are "needy"? How come?

Thanks for the replies!

The situation itself is pretty futile now, and it almost feels better that way.

Basically, I caved and called her, telling her I had something to give her. I had written her a letter, detailing my admittance of mistakes and giving her advice to really think about what we could be giving up. She opened it right in front of me and basically said she's moved on and doesn't know what else to say. I hurt her and she can no longer trust me, and the hurt has stuck with her for more than a year now. And that her new boyfriend is getting upset that we're still talking. It was all tough to swallow, but its almost what I needed - knowing that there's no chance for me at the current time. I feel better in a way. So yes I'm gonna go meet the other fish and she can be trapped in suburbia in a mega adult situation at 21, and maybe she'll come to her senses and come back someday, and things can be right.

Until then, I'm going to start meeting new people I guess.

iamaghostha, you could also wish her good luck and hope they will make it after the hurt she has been going through with you. I really don't like your attitude. Sorry, if this is insulting but do you realize that you just cannot hurt 'like that' and then demand someone to feel that by apologizing that hurt is vaporizes? The least you can do is wish her happiness.

Again, my sincere apologies for being so blunt and probably insulting but this is my honest opinion.

I wish you good luck and lots of happiness and hope you will meet mrs. Right soon and have learned from this episode in your life so you won't make the same mistake twice