Had an affair, fell in love, both of us married. He ended af...

Had an affair, fell in love, both of us married. He ended affair (good call), but it took me two yrs to get over him. During that time I found reasons to email, just being friendly. He was stand offish so I stopped for a month, then he wrote me, asking how I was and closed with "stay in touch". I thought I'd be satisfied just being friends, better than losing him completely, right? Wrong! We can never be close as before and we are married, and everytime I hear from him it takes me back. So I didn't email all summer (r mos) low and behold @ the beginning of school he writes to "check in" and this time closes with "Please stay in touch". Now I feel almost like I'm @ square one, not quite as bad but enough to distract me. I wrote back, everything was friendly and he wrote again quickly after, I didn't respond the second time. Do I just ignore him or be honest with him, that I can't be friends because it still stirs up old feelings? What do I say? How do I say it without sounding like I'm condeming him?

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Guy avatar
6 years ago #2
Guy
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Do I just ignore him or be honest with him, that I can't be friends because it still stirs up old feelings?
They're both negative, but ignoring would probably be worse because he won't know why you'd be doing it. If you're sure about not talking to him, then you could let him know that talking to him reminds you of what it was like before, and that should explain what you're saying.
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rlcarm avatar
6 years ago #3
rlcarm
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Hello. That sounds SO familiar to me! I had an affair 2 years ago, got divorced, and was with the "other woman" until very recently. I truly love her and her children! We have been on and off, on and off... we have tried being just friends, for the same reason. I don't want to lose her completely! (By the way, we work together. VERY difficult situation!) It is VERY VERY difficult being just friends after sharing so much together.

I would say this: HONESTY is the best policy. Be honest with him, and be honest with yourself. This is only fair to both of you. Tell him that it is just too hard being just friends and it stirs up old feelings. There is a good chance that he feels the same way deep down, although he may not want to admit it.

Also, pray a lot! It CAN change things. Best of luck to you! God bless you!

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6 years ago #4
bfgirl
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Thanks for your kind words. God bless you and I hope things work out for you.

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rlcarm avatar
6 years ago #5
rlcarm
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You are more than welcome. Your situation can be VERY tough. I have found that it really helps me to discuss my situation with others who have had similar experiences (through this website).

For me, anything that brings back memories of the "affair time period" can be very difficult, because I don't even want to think about it. I will NEVER, EVER have an affair again! The memories of my affair and everything surrounding it are very painful. But I always try to remember that I am the one to blame.

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6 years ago #6
Columbia7168
Guest

I had an affair with a married man that lasted for 12 years, ( I am married as well but separated ) in November he ended it, he just stopped calling, emailing, when I called him, emailed him, trying to get an explanation even closure he ignored me, he did eventually contact me telling me that it was the best to just end it, which deep in my heart I agreed, it was hard loving him and knowing that we will never be together ( he never made any false promises to me), what hurts me the most is how he ended it. I am trying so hard to get over this, I cant sleep, I cry every day, I pray, and this is still hanging over my head. I feel hurt, pain, anger. I even thought about telling his wife, but I dont want to cause any pain for him nor her, I just want my pain to end. If suggestions or advice? Please help.

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #7
Kimberly
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I really agree that to seek revenge on the man via his wife because of his wrong to us would only warrant revenge to come upon us for our wrong. We were both wrong let's face it. God saw us both and despite his reasons or mine, we both played the game. I know it's a killer-the pain and anguish and especially if it's been that long! You don't walk 100 miles into the desert and get back to the Promise Land overnight. And yes, I have wandered out into the desert "many" times! And I know about the scorching heat and dry burning death trying to get back.

We Do Learn from our life ventures the simple truth that sin causes ...Pain! I know about pain too and spent alot of time in the fire in order to finally Learn to "Run" from temptation rather than to hang around it until it gets just enough hold on you to pull you in with a power you can't break free from!

If we learn from our trials in life and sincerely in our heart admit to God our own wrongs and miserable errors, and ask him not only to heal us but also truly get our will in shape to be able to honestly say, "I don't want to do this again in your face and also I don't want to be a destructive hand to your people but only a healing hand,"...if we can do this with a sincere heart we will get a sincere response to what we ask.

The healing begins right at the point of our deepest inward True Surrender. It all begins in the very uttermost place where God can search our heart and "know" our secret motives. I don't say this to condemn you but to encourage you that Yes, you really can be "given" the Miracle of your deliverance and of a Love that Can overcome all of this, a Love that is not merely regretful that I lost my desire but that my desires really were destructive ones to others rather than healing ones. It's out of the dying that new Life is born.

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5 years ago #8
Hanna
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I get u. Im on the same boat. We are both married with no intentions of leaving our spouses for each other. Ive been married 16 yrs his been married 2 yrs. Ive known him all my life but never made nothing out of it. We have been seeing each other 3 yrs now on and off. Recently i decided i was over the bs he put me threw and wemt MIA for a while. He was texting and calling. So we meet up to talk and he said he misses me and wants to work it out. He is willing to spend more time with me. He really didnt convince me at all because he never said sorry. I asked for some time to think and recently contacted him and told him that ive felt used all this time and i feel he will contuniue to use me and ended it with an i love you.... He replied upset you know what just forget it take care. Wtf?

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LoveSpecialist avatar
5 years ago #9
LoveSpecialist
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You should tell him exactly how you feel. Hiding your feelings is unhealthy. Its better to ask and see what he feels or thinks, than to continue wondering or hiding how you feel. I hope I helped you.

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5 years ago #10
justplainolme
Guest

Does it ever end on a good note?

Same thing as most of you just a tiny bit different I am a military spouse and he is active duty different branches. We were together a total of four years. I moved out, he was already separated and lived on his own but then I lost my job and moved back with the ex. I never felt that he wanted to take on my baggage of younger kids. We seen each other even though we were states away and this spring he finalized it after I visited him because I felt as if I would never move back to VA and/or get on my own two feet financially. I thought I had cleared my mind of him and it just keeps bothering me. I wanted nothing more then to stay.. I have regrets on things I felt I couldnt say because we were still legally married and now wish he would call. I have cried, had bad dreams, and miss him terribly. I have tried to reach out but I dont want to seem desperate that is for **** sure. I would give anything to have done it the right way and been divorced when we met.. what bothers me the most is there is no knight and shining armor ... money is evil.. i would live frugaly if I could just have been with him.. grass is always greener isnt it

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5 years ago #11
Lostone
Guest

I too had a affair, we both are married. It was strong and heavy for about a year;my conscious starting to get the best of me, so I started the breakup (back and forth). He discontinued all contact for about 9 months,then messaged me. We meet up; we had no sexual contact up until last year. Now he calls sometimes, may text here and there. I'm lost. He left his wife about 2 years now, I'm still with my husband but is so in Love with him. I know it is wrong and deceitful but I keep let him go and truly want to. This was been going on for 4 1/2 years. Will it ever end.

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5 years ago #12
Kimberly
Guest

The statistics do show up in our ordinary lives which are that a very large percent do not end up with the affair partners even when they do leave/divorce. They either end up back with the spouse or with someone totally new that never was in the picture. Why?

One good answer to that relates to how this affair we call a great love is in reality a huge addiction or infatuation. Your feelings or mine may convince us it's really love but there are an excess of indicators and outcomes in affairs that reveal it is something else. Another very common outcome is that after the storm really does blow over, people very often never want to see this person they thought they were desperately in love with again, because after enough time the reality comes clear and only then do we experience and realize the destruction this person and I created and would always create because our relationship was born and built on things and in ways that never were right or real in reality. It may seem desperately sad today but most always even that sadness is gone completely when reality finally comes to our senses, and that usually happens only after alot of long time sufferring through all the stages that are common with most all.

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5 years ago #13
nurtigen
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That was a wonderful answer.

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alma avatar
5 years ago #14
alma
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just pray to God and forget about him,its time for you to love your self first...if you tell things to her wife evrything will be just be mess up...you will be more hurt to death,,,for now you can only do is to talk with friends and going out,,

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5 years ago #15
D
Guest

I am so sorry this happened to you. Thes best advice I can offer is to work out, hard, sweat it out. It will distract you from the pain, and als help you to cope with the loss. He will surely notice that you are moving on and who knows...he may drift back to you. It is SO hard, and I feel for you.

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4 years ago #16
jeffro73
Guest

I like your answer Kimberly, as a former therapist of 10 years I have come to the conclusion that MOST not ALL but most women are not capable of having affairs without attaching emotions to it. In regards to what you said Kimberly I used to tell women that part of the reasons that these affairs seem so magical is because their not faced with the stresses that real relationships have.

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Kimberly avatar
4 years ago #17
Kimberly
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Hey I like the way you found to try to get the idea across Jeff about how affairs, for women atleast, exist more in an emotional idealism that in the real world of day to day realities. It's one challenge to try to help people to see and realize things they do not feel or see today but first to find ways to say things that they can relate to and grab onto. A PhD described it once to me this way, men will (have sex) because...they can, women will because of what's in their heart, but "some married men" will remain faithful because they love their wives. Lol. So yes I agree with the Doc and you, that women respond more in life out of an emotional-mind while men naturally and more easily separate objective reality from their emotions.

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4 years ago #18
Laura
Guest

The only way to get over someone is to get under someone....tuff as it is ... move on sweetheart...life is short. Screw that ****.Been there = done that never not going back

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4 years ago #19
kendra
Guest

hi had an affair as well, we know each other for years and suddenly just hooked up while being married, we played it out for 5 months and we fell in love and now i am stuck between loving two men ,i love him more than life it self and he loves me that way too, but we have families and i don't want to hurt them or mine, we stopped and tried to ignore each other, but it doesn't work, when ever i see him it takes me back to what we share, it painful to just stop, i loved him before i met my husband and he was already married and now it's worse, so u not that far off, just tell him how you feel and wait for his reply, my guy started sounding off when i mail him , so i just told him that i would always love him no matter what and if i had the chance i would be with him again...so we don't communicate anymore i try to ignore him where ever i see him and maybe that would help me get back to being me again it takes time...find someone else, they might help change that feeling

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4 years ago #20
Senzafine
Guest

This has helped me a lot, thank you....

I also have an affair and still not being able to return to my normal self. We both have long term relationships and we live miles apart.

After spending months chatting we managed to meet twice. It was the most exciting, sexiest experience ever. I felt alive again, wanted and desired, feelings long time forgotten. I only wanted a sex thing but he started falling in love with me and started sending love letters, songs, the most romantic things I've ever gotten from someone.

And I fell too...

It's been 2 months after we met. Now it's come to the point that we can only exchange emails. And I sense like he has moved on, from the things he says, not sending 'loves' 'missing', or love songs anymore, but I am heartbroken, in pain.... And I feel left out, I need the contact again but I guess the person who wrote that doesn't exist anymore.

And I know how chemistry is working in my brain, I know this is an addiction. So I have to stop this, because I can't stand it anymore. This little contact, the waiting, is killing me slowly. So it's either all or nothing. And I know it's never going to be 'all', so it has to be nothing. I need to cut this, one way or another.

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4 years ago #21
jeffro73
Guest

Let me tell you as a former therapist that used to work with couples about this very thing and I can tell you more times than not that the man is not in love with you even though he's telling you he is. I know I'll catch heat for saying this but women were not made for cheating with sex only, almost every woman I've talked to who's had an affair on their husband almost always let their emotions get involved causing them to make a decision that they regretted later once the newness of the affair wears off. Not all but most men are capable of having sex purely for sex sake and don't for the most part let their emotions get involved. It's brain chemistry people and for the most part theres nothing we can do about that.

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4 years ago #22
Senzafine
Guest

Thank you very much for your answer. I know what you mean.
Yes, at first I didn't have feelings and everything was much easier.

Even though I know this man fell for me (thousands of indicators, the romance, love letters... his tears, not mine, when separating), I think he is not there anymore. We are having less contact each time though he doesn't end the relationship. I guess he wants to keep his doors open just in case we meet again.

It's useful (and somehow relieving in a weird way) to be able to notice what's going on in my brain. I realized that I am currently coping with the symptoms of withdrawal, anxiety, stress and depression, and that I have to stop this 'addiction'.

The problem is that I can't seem to move on. How do I move on? After all he is also a friend, I don't want to be hard on him, but I need to be myself again.

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Teiah54 avatar
4 years ago #23
Teiah54
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making the deliberate effort to care about yourself once again. making time for your kids?? keeping yourself busy with what you want or need to do for yourself without him being center of it. if you accept that you are no longer a priority to him, then it might help you to make him not be such a priority to you.

@jeffro.... do you mean that men get into these situations and do these emotional things out of the newness of the situation and they don't really feel any emotions? that they are doing these actions to get something in return??

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4 years ago #24
jeffro73
Guest

Senzafine, I agree with Teiah54 you need to work on yourself and even though your friends you may need to cut him out of your life for awhile. It might seem like a harsh thing to do but you need to spend more time on making yourself better and get back to making your family the center of your attention.


Teiah54- to answer your question and I don't want to imply that this is the way it is for all men just most, most men don't equate emotions with sex at all (UNLESS) it's with their spouse or someone they love or are falling in love with. With men who have had a affair it was more of an opportunity that was presented to them and they took it. Most of the husbands I have talked to over the years said they would tell the girl whatever they had to keep the sex going but never seriously considered leaving their spouses.

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4 years ago #25
Senzafine
Guest

Thank you so much both. You're completely right and that's what I'm doing now, focus on myself.
In fact I've been feeling better the past few days, less depressive.

However he emailed me again (it's been a while, never were so long without contact).
He's having some problems in his life. But he said he loves me but he is sorry that it doesn't show....
And also that I should remember that there is 'someone' always thinking about me.
And I thought: well if you really did, IT would show... anyway..

The good thing about this is that this time I didn't feel anything, when I would have been crying or depressed after reading this. Nothing.
So I guess it's true: time does heal.

I'm not sure what to do next. I might send a farewell for now message, I don't know.

Thank you again. I never thought I would fall like this for anyone but this is actually helping.

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4 years ago #26
jeffro73
Guest

Just remember to stay strong and don't let him reel you back in with little email comments and stuff, the reason he keeps making them is because he wants to make sure your always there for him when he wants you. If he's having problems then he needs to deal with them on his own and stop complicating your life with his mess. Your #1 focus should be to make your husband and children your primary focus. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

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4 years ago #27
Senzafine
Guest

I sent him a bye for now message. I hope that gives me the time to go back to my normal self.
No, I dont have children, I doubt I would have done any of this in that case. But yes, I need to fix some issues in my life.
Anyway I wanted to thank you again for your help, much appreciated.

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4 years ago #28
jeffro73
Guest

No problem at all, I truly do hope that everything works out for the best and that you've learned your lesson from this experience.

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4 years ago #29
kendra
Guest

hi guys beautiful responses there, i would like to thank all of you in this regard, i am back to normal and loving myself unconditionally, just had a mail this morning from him that he wants to get back with me, but i doubt I'll make the same mistake twice...he has what he's always wanted and i am happy at home, may i no longer think about him and his sexy body intelligent mind,so goodbye and good riddance to his hot @ss....have a fab day guys...mwah!

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4 years ago #30
Senzafine
Guest

HI Kendra,
Can I send you a private message somewhere?
Thanks!

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