He says hes in love with me, but doesn't want to date me

I dated this guy for 2 years until our relationship ended. He ended it. During our relationship, i broke-up with him over and over again. I fought with him alot, took him for granted, got mad at him for the stupidest reasons, controlled him by telling him what to wear sometimes and how to act. My mother hated him by the end of our relationship and she wanted be to break-up with him. So, he ended it in October 2008. 2 months later, he gets a girlfriend and says he loves her. But he cheated on her with me. He claimed he still loved me and liked me while he was dating her, which makes no sense. He claims he is in love with me, but doesn't want to be with me cause he has to fix his life. (he has no job, doesn't go to school and he lost almost all his friends) we hang out everyweekend and talk almost everyday, yet he says he doesn't want to be with me cause he just doesn't want a gf and before, he allows a girl in his life, he needs to fix his life. He kisses me, we have sex, and we cuddle, he even tells me that he gets butterflies around me! he tells me that he is in love me. I just don't get his deal. If i were in love with someone, i would be with them no matter what. So is he lieing about being in love with me or is he actually in love with me and why did he even date this other girl and i just don't understand. plz help!

He gets to be with two girls! No matter what he says, he is still cheating.

Oh Dear...

I was in this exact same situation not too long ago. The thing with these guys is that they have a way of drawing us in, with those little sweet things that they say or do. What you have to understand is that by providing him with emotional and physical comfort ie:- the kisses, the cuddles, talking for ages, hanging out all the time, etc etc, he has no need to be in a "proper" relationship with you. Pardon the phrase, but why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free? the longer it takes for you to realise that, the more its going to hurt you in the end when he walks away again.

An ex is an ex for a reason!

Hi Shnoozy,

If he cheated on her with you, then no doubt he may have done the same with you. It sounds as if you smothered him a little as well. Give it some time and sapec and see what happens is my advice.

Blessings

Rich

exactly! thats what im saying.. u cant mistake convinience for true affection.

thanx for all the replys but what your saying is that he really doesn't love me? Currently, we aren't talking. I suggested that we stop talking for a month and he agreed with me. He told me that after the month, he will "see what happnes between us" those were his exact words. Is that a good idea or should i just move on and look for another guy? I really love him, but i doesn't feel good when he just doesn't want to be with me and i don't want to get hurt again.

I agree with what shnoozy said about getting what he wants from you for free. It seems that he is just using you for sex when he isn't seeing his girlfriend. He is being unfair to both of you. Look for another guy when you are ready, or you could also wait a month as well to think about a less hurtful situation.

Don't let him keep you hanging for a whole month. A lot of people get off on instilling false hope onto others. Whos to say in one month time that you wont be back in the same place you are now? Actually this whole one month thing is making ME angry, and i dont even know you! all he is doing is ensuring that youre still going to be around in one months time. "he will see what happens between us" - whats that even supposed to mean!? if someone wants to be with you, they will move heaven and earth to be with you, not keep you on the side in case of emergencies.

Make sure that you take this month as an opportunity to get out there and meet new people.

This person doesnt sound like he deserves you! You can do a lot better then some part time cheating boyfriend. A leopard never changes his spots!

After reading shnoozy's comment, I want to clarify that by waiting a month, I didn't mean to wait for him necessarily, but instead to think about what you want in your next relationship. Does that sound reasonable, shnoozy?

shnoozy wrote:

if someone wants to be with you, they will move heaven and earth to be with you, not keep you on the side in case of emergencies.

I like this idea.

This is something you might be able to fix by changing your behavior.

Men often don’t mean what they say, and when he says he does not want a relationship with you often it means; they want someone with a lack of insecurities, a sense of humor, a woman who knows how to keep their cool when things get tough and does not get upset about petty things. They want a woman who makes them feel good when they are around her. Someone who enjoys the relationship and does not spend all her trying to analyze and fix things. Someone with there act together, who is in control of her life. I hope this helps.

well i should probably clarify what had happened after we broke-up because it may make a difference or maybe not. So, we broke-up in october and 2 months later my ex gets a gf. He said he still wanted to be friends with me as they were dating. So, i was very considerate of his girlfriend's feelings cause i told him to ask his gf if it was okay if we saw eachother. He did ask and we hung out.He made no moves on me, no nothing. so we were very mature about it. But one night, i guess we couldn't ignore our feelings for eachother anymore andd we had sex. He was very upset after we had sex because he like asking me what he should do and how horrible of a person he is. I was so mad at myself also for sleeping with a guy who had a nice gf.We dated for 2 years and what i learned is that its impossible to move on quickly. Well, in the end, she broke-up with him cause of his cheating and the fact that he was in love with his bestfriend. yeah alot of drama. So, after they broke-up, we stayed friends and talked about bettering our lives. So they broke up about a month ago and just 3 days ago thats when i told him that we need a month to relax and just look at this situation clear and logical. We both told eachother that we still like eachother, so thats why he said, we will see what happens. He actually was the first one to say that we shouldn't have sex anymore and i was kinda not for it. i hope this explains the situation better.

well yeh that does change stuff a little. i need to re read it all now, coz you've confused the heck outta me!

Looks like he got a girlfriend as a response to the way you had broken up with him constantly, but he was still interested in you to the point where he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend to see you. That's why I suggested that you take the month apart to find what you want out of a relationship. It doesn't mean that you should wait for him. I mean to take some time for yourself to think things through instead of rushing. After all, it hurt his girlfriend at the time. I agree that he and you shouldn't sex together during this period because that just gets back into the same pattern.

yeah sorry guys for confusing you and i defintly appreicate all this help! man, relationships can be a pain! But even though he still loves me and all, why doesn't he wanna daate me now? i guess cause hes scared of me hurting him again by constantly breaking up with him? i just wish guys were more fluent with there feelings

Yeah. Simply put: You pulled and pushed him away repeatedly and even got in the way of another relationship. He wants you but you hurt him.

so, pretty much what you're saying is that we can never be a couple with a strong foundation? Or maybe we wil never be able to date again cause the damage is already done? i really love this guy and i wanan marry him. I mean, i will do w.e. it takes to make us work as long as he is up for it on his end. Are we done forever?

When was the most recent time that you two discussed where things between the two of you were going? That would be a step in being more serious than dating again.

Alright so this is just an update to my little problem. To make a long story short, its over for good. I talked to him today and he said, "our time has passed". Ufortunately, i still wana be with him, badly cause well, i am still in love with him. So all the guessing is done, all the trying is done. I am distraight just cause i really did think that'd we'd be together eventually. I love him so much and he just doesn't love me anymore. It hurts more than i thougth it would. But aleast i found out now and not a month from now when we talked again. I just don't understand why he doesn't love me. I think its cause i am fat cause i gained alot of weight or maybe i am not pretty enough or funny enough. i have no idea what he wants from me. why can't i be the women he wants me to be? wat is so wrong with me that makes him not love me? just a year ago he told me i was his soulmate and now he is after other girls. I just wana know what is wrong with me?

Here are the reasons that you said that may have pushed him away:

restivoc wrote:

During our relationship, i broke-up with him over and over again. I fought with him alot, took him for granted, got mad at him for the stupidest reasons, controlled him by telling him what to wear sometimes and how to act.

It could also be him as well. Being with someone else may have led him to reconsider what he wants in a relationship. Plus, he said that he had to fix his life, so those things are distracting him.

Having gotten another girlfriend and then cheating on her with you shows that either he hadn't been sure of what he wanted or he had taken advantage of you. Now that you're saying that he is with other girls. If that's the case, then he wouldn't take you seriously anyway.

well he isn't with other girls. but still, he told me that our time has passed. meaning that we will never date again. But even tho, i may have pushed him away when we were dating, doesn't mean that he should give up on us. I mean he told me that he was in love with me. I guess he doesn't love me enough to be with me then

girl all i can say is 4 words "U GOTTA MOVE ON" ..........there are better men who could treat u much better .