hello people:) . i hope i'l get a sensible answer here :) so...

hello people . i hope i'l get a sensible answer here
so its like ,i was in a relationship or like two years.i m 20 and he is 29 yrs old.we both were serious for future ,but the problem was: i was not prepared for marriage as i needed to complete my studies first and according to him his family was asking him for getting married , so it was "going on" kind of a relationship .like other relationships we also had some arguements and disputes .in last days i came to know by one of my friend that he is showing interest in some other girl .I asked my bf about her, he said why would i show interest to girl who is already interested in me , i was like ok !
but my friend told me he is fake . that friend is my reliable friend, so i had a talk with that girl through my friend for what this matter is all about .
she told me my bf used to talk very casualy to her and even he shared some romantic stuff with her. but that was or 2-3 days only , then he controlled all this. she never knew he is commited with me. so we both were angry and argued a lot. my bf told her that he was over with me as he was not happy with the relationship . and he told me that it happened but i controlled .i used some abusive word for him or which i was sorry later , but that was just because i was not in my senses .
now after all this , he told me he is over with the relationship , infact he was so much disturbed and frustated that he was not even picking up my phone calls , i was not able to stay without talking to him, then he said we should take a break off for like 5-6 months to get over all this dirty stuff happened . now even i stopped calling him , its like 1 months or so we are not in touch with each other ,

i came to know that still now he said "no" to his family for getting married this time [which was the problem before] . according to you what is going on?
should i wait for him or move on ?
i m confused

Is this a relationship that you want to be in? Thats the question.

From what I gather he shows little remorse or acknowledgement to what he did and instead decided to take a break. So in this, do you feel that you could trust him?

For 5/6 months anything is possible. Emotions change, the distance seperates you etc. If I were you I would decide and weigh up the options fully. Only you know the whole of the story.

Does he seem to be a man that you can trust - being ruthlessly honest with yourself : and is it a situation and relationship that you really want to be in? Where after an arguemetn or being discovered he decides to take breaks etc.

hey thanks
i know it matters what eggxacly i want here . but my feelings and my love or him is saying he cant be fake with me , may be its not true
but when i came to know he is still not getting married , what could be the reoson ...

my "F" key isnt working properly ..errrgh

but my feelings and my love or him is saying he cant be fake with me , may be its not true

but my friend told me he is fake . that friend is my reliable friend

yeah my friend doesnt know him more then me , that girl was also his friend and she told him evrything what my bf used to behave like ....i dont know to whom i should trust

Dear con f used

Funny thing about your f key not working...

It then makes two words that decribe the answer to your situation.

Con Used.

Anyway, here is the truth to any man who has fooled around and then gets mad at you and demands you take 6 months off to stop nagging about it.

That is a control tactic to make you shutup about the disrespectful double standards life he leads as in...if I cheat on you and you find out, you better just shutup and its your fault for checking into it or not standing up for him as a stepford wife should.

If you love him, love the fact that he has pulled the mental switch in his head and thinks of you as a robot to serve him. By the time six months rolls around you will be so pent up with anger about this whole ordeal you will blast him and he will simply flick you off his shoulder like dandruff again. Think he is hurting. Nope. He is mad at you for being so stupid and you are on the shelf until you learn how to shutup about his affairs. Period.

In your six months off, I suggest you go to a book store, read books on abusive men and verbally abusive relationships, then read some dating books so you never get tricked again and then go date some respectable guys while you are still young enough to be considered.

Can't be fake with you? What he meant was, can't get away with it with you.

How he twists everything. Laughable.

I hope you found this to be a sensible answer.

thank you gymgirlie
you got the thing, infact everything points to his negative side .
but it comes to my mind that i overreacted for things and myself made it worst . he told me u could wait for 10-15 days instead of saying all bullshit to me . there could be a chance if u hadnt do this stupidity , but another side he also said he was not happy with the relationship !
if he is not happy with the relationship , shuting up for 10-15 days would matter ?
i think he himself is confused for what should he do , and in that complicated situation he did what he felt is right for defending himself without thinking of "what it will effect the relationship later".
i m saying this because last time he told me "you decide" ,and he is not even getting married .
i dont know what i have to decide now.
when i asked him to remain as friend , he said "i dont see you as friend" !!
my intuitions saying he also wont be able to get over it so easily because he waited for me instead of going for marriage while he was forcing by his family,
i think i wont be able to get over him till he'll get married :-w

Dear Confused,

I know you feel partly at fault.
I have been there.
I am sorry to have to tell you.
You have been made to believe you were in a normal relationship.

Where your feelings may have driven him to do this.

It is very very hard to see and to break the myths you have come to believe.

Do you ever notice its always about him?
Always about his emotions?

You may believe that, but what if I told you he purposely pressed your buttons that you over reacted? You probably didn't even know it.

Do you find he contradicts himself a lot.

And its mostly when its convenient for him?

He is making you believe that its you but really, men who do this do that and are true masters at it.

The miserable truth is that he does know what he wants, he knows how to get it. He does not look to the future. He does not care about the same future he tells you about.

There is what he says to you and then there is how he behaves.

All deceitful men dangled the carrot, plant the seed and mention the marriage word to give a woman hope and to make her more loyal and faithful.

(its a trick similar to making a dog do a trick knowing he is going to get the treat)

Saying he can't be your friend is a fear control tactic forcing you to be more submissive.

He did not wait for you, he just made you believe that and maipulated everyone.

You will not get over him so easily while under the spell of his many many myths.

Some men are normal. Some just have a bad day. Some are disrespectful. Some are slightly controlling. Some men are controllers. Some men are just purely angry and are taught that women are slaves.

No one thinks they have a bad one because all men can hide their real personality especially when they date someone new.

But they slowly slide back to their angry controlling mentality and even introduce deception and true selves slowly overtime.

That is why you feel this confusion.

You are looking for answers. Benefit of the doubt.

Reasons and total reassurance that you are going to do the right thing.

I know you love him.

Probably more intensly than a normal.

These men heighten the euphoria.

They also know how to create smoke shows.

Ask me anything.

I am here to help you.

gymgirlie

- To you I give you this, goodiegoof , its my Yahoo IM screen name. If you like you can message me.

Also, I think you make some valid points but we dont understand the situation completely to make these assesments. We have heard one side of the story and not both. To say that he was controlling and manipulative is easy if you havent heard his side.

To me, this relationship seems to be... well sad.

I think she loves him very much and he slowly stopped loving her but is afraid to admit it because she loves him as much as she does and makes it so apparent.

-Confused

To find out if this guy truely has deep deep thoughts about you... whether he truely feels for you. Give him a week or two, then talk to him. When you do, dont tell him how much you REALLY miss him. Be... umm, passive, about it. Tell him you kinda miss him, and some of those times you had with him were fun.

If he has any feelings for you he will tell you that he missed those times too, but what you are looking for are certain signs. DO NOT tell him you want to go back together and DO NOT say you dont want to get back together. You want him to say those things. Otherwise, you might just be making him stay in a relationship because he 'can' and/or because he doesnt want you hurt.

Best of luck,

Tim R

hmm , he told me "i know i was wrong at some point but does it mean you'll keep on making me feel guilt for that . according to him he was true with me .
this saying makes me feel if he was true with me "there is no fault which cant be forgive" right?
he said hell with both of you [we both girls].
yeah one thing i forgot to mention:
that girl who was disappointed earlier , now is saying he was not that wrong at his place and we people over-reacted ,and till then my relation with my bf had already been ruined like anything.now i feel guilt why did i listen to that girl ,why that girl changed her statement , firstly she was saying he was flirting with her and i was taking her side , infact i told my bf that dont ever dare to do anything wrong with her ,she is now my friend .now when everything is over ,she said he was not that wrong .
this is bad you see
my bf said , you should have listen to me instead of taking her side who were not even known to you .
was i that wrong

is that girl responsible or my bf himself doesnt want relationship ?
i believe
1)no "third" person can be the reason for breaking of a relationship.
2)if the relationship was truely commited, all wounds will definetly get healed up with time?

and ya please let me know .how much "compatibility factor" matters in true love relationship ?

and and ,may be he is not seeing future ,afraid of future ? as he is already 30 above and i m just 21 ?
may be i m not able to accept he is just "off" from me

Most of the time I would agree with you Tim.

However, there are very tiny signs that speaks volumes. I see people as normal and give benefit of the doubt, but for this one I can see total verbal word games and tactics.

Otherwise I would say teeter tawter and 50 50 fault, but there are signs Tim, never ignore those.

You need to be a master of verbal word games and the immature abusive mentality and spent years with these irratonal types of men to know.

Otherwise, no problem.

Especially men that say "wrong", give guilt trips.

You are right the whole story has not been presented.

You are right she could have feared a relationship failure and harped at him to death.

But it says right there, he was with the other woman romantically for three days.

Men of this caliber do not tell a woman to take a 6 month break. Most men would resolve to work on their womens fears. This one focuses on what I stated earlier.

He is punishing her by grand take away and is training her for total dominance and submission.

It's in his wording Tim.

But you seem like a nice respectful guy.

I'm not sure if you know the difference between the normal male mentality and someone who becomes totally selfish and self centred towards a woman and only his own woman.

Maybe I am off. But I rarely am. He is playing control games with her.

NO!

no no no!

You were being defensive! Tell him you trust him very much and you appoligize for thinking that way. Make sure you point out that it was hard for you too, saying the things you said and acting the way you did.

Tell him you want things the way they were, but this time, we will both trust eachother more. SCREW the other people and what they say! If you LOVE him and he LOVES you then its what YOU GUYS say that counts!

Ask him to just... please understand. That you made mistakes, that he made mistakes... and we are hurting eachother. It doesnt have to be this way, but it will take work from both of us to make it better. I willing to try because I love you and I want this to work again. Can you try for me too?

Something to that sense... you dont want to make him feel guilty and you dont want him to think your guilty. You just want to point out that stuff happened that hurt both of you, and its time to forget, forgive, and move on.

I wish you the best of luck!
Tim R

Hey Gymgirlie-

I had to give you some "thumbs up" karma for your recent posts here.

Hey Con F used-

I see guys do it all the time...they turn a good woman into a puppy dog.

They use hand gestures and body language as a training tool and a way to communicate to their puppy dogs, so that these ladies can pick up and adjust to their delusional way of thinking.

The treat, in the form of communication, is only given when their girlfriends or wives do what they want or feed their egos.

Don't allow yourself to be a puppy dog. He is a control freak and wants to play ball according to his rules.

Get you own mitt and start a new game.

You deserve better!

gymgirlie

- I agree with you, honestly I do, but in the same time. Love is a dangerous thing though, sometimes you can love something and suffacate it in love. I am just wondering if she has given TOO MUCH affection, but... again, with the certain things he has said (if true, letter for letter) he does seem to be munipulative.

I dont know then. I always say, if it fails and doesnt work... try again, and if it doesnt work then... move on.

I always give the girls I am with another chance.

Trust me, a lot of women have controlling features about them too. Not just men.

I am just hoping that this isnt a huge mis communication problem.

Tim R

Boyfriends make choices.
He used that girl.
You said it yourself..she didn't know you were in the picture.

The wounds will heal, but in accepting him back, you show weakness and it means you are willing to never bring it up again and to turn a blind eye.

Compatibility factor is 100% important and when you find a respectable man who does consider a woman to be a human being, he will still require you to feed his ego once in awhile but he won't go off on control power punishment trips of this nature.

I just don't think Tim read it twice. Sorry.

Thanks Jay!

gymgirlie



I can only hope that it is as you say. You seem confident enough but in the larger scheme of things no one is truely 100% accurate.

There are so many things to look at here, age difference alone changes things. Early twenties and then the thirties? Then the fact that he does use some controlling elements in the relationship. If anything I would say this;

Take him back if he promises to treat you better. If he doesnt start treating you better than he wasnt for you to begin with.

That is all I can really come up with, being as honest as I can be.

--gymgirlie-- I read it twice and did notice some more controlling aspects of him.

Tim R

Hey Tim,

Yes I agree. Controlling people sure. But this is a very hurtful manipulative man she is with.

That's what I mean, there are normal people with controlling and then there is this.

His privacy isnt so "private" now , as 2-3 people gt to know about this stuff what he did , so i think it is obvious he was not in his senses then....when the other people are asking him what this thing is all about when it was actualy not expected from him ,he has been respected that way , it was very unexpected for me as well thats why all that happened ,and things get messed up
dont you think this situation needs time to get normal?
i was in an obsession that time , he used to say "dont push for things ,let it be normal on its own"
...he is right ? or just an excuse to get away ?
its almost 1 month or so ,he did not even ask for my well being ....

and ya what could be the reason for not getting married ?

Hi Confused-

You deserve better and if it is from him then you need to tell him what you will accept and what you won't accept, period.

He has to open up the lines of communication and lay it all on the table girlfriend.

You see, there are a great deal of skeletons lurking in the closet...unfinished business if you will that he has not divulged here.

Hmmmm...I wonder if that has anything to do with his disappearing act recently?

You have a couple of choices here:

You can either seek him out for some straight shooter conversation so that you at least get to the bottom of this saga.

OR...

You can wait for him to hang himself through the 2-3 people that have made his private life "not-so-private". When town-criers spill the beans, possible rumors have a tendency to bring out the worse in people and guess what? You won't have to do a thing but sit back and watch the show unfold.

Time will tell, which is always a good thing.

Not getting married is an easy one Confused...

You are both not doing so well right now. You know this, he knows it too. Getting married with the way things are right now would be hurtful for you and maybe him too.

You need to be together first for a few months or wait a bit to let things heal before you two can try again.

I must stress that you tell him to treat you better. You have feelings too you know, and he shouldnt be the one to tell you how to feel. If he really loves you, he will understand that.

Tim R

@jayspop
you are right when you say time is a good healer
even i m looking for that .
but sometimes i feel i wont be able to get with someone els like that what i was with him .. :-s

@tim
i appritiate the fact when you saying "treat in a better way" .
i know he was rude . but dont you think i made him doing so ?
i said a lot to him taking that girl's side..
lets see what time has for me
i m quite better from before , i m stable , but still somewhere he exist !!

Look everyone has ups and downs...

The things you need to ask yourself is this,

When you two are together do you feel like all your problems are gone?

Or

Do you wonder why things are going the way they used to?

If you start thinking that they are not as good as they used to be. Tell him. If he takes offense. Then there is something to worry about. Tell him you love him, that you want to be with him... but not like this.

Thats really all I can come up with. If he is controlling you he will tell you he will change...
but he wont. He will keep blaming you for the way things are. Saying you get into his space too often, or you dont care or call enough. He will make it seem like HE is trying to make this relationship work and you arent trying hard enough. Or if he feels like you might make him feel guilty for something he KNOWS he did wrong, he will try the fear tactics, like, "I dont know if things will work out anymore..." etc etc, to scare you into just accepting who he is.

DONT let these things control you, tell him you know what you want, and what you dont want. Be straight forward.

thanks a ton Tim
its actualy true he was scaring me by saying that
now i have control over me , but i dont know he is going to call me ....

anybody wanna comment more?

Go read Tims story,

He is projecting you as his girlie and himself as your boyfriend.

He, therefore, is giving you false hope.

However, he shouldn't do that because he is here to relieve his own flawed logic thinking, not to help you.

Here is the flaw. If he would have told any of the 5 women beforehand, they would have dumped him or not dated him. He knows that. And now he is standing here wanting to know why his girie is mad at him.

If he can get you to say you are over reacting, then so is his girlfriend. After all, he did corret his deceit by being honest about his deceit. Now he is secretly mad at her for having feelings or emotions. Whose fault was it girl? Do your own input.

If he can convince you that you over reacted, then maybe, so did his girlie, and, then he doesn't have to go admit that it was wrong not to tell her.

He says he was honest. He wasn't. On the deceitful act that he was NOT up front. Is that lying? No.

Truthfully, it's "withheld information." Is that lying? No, technically, its called deceit. Therefore, it is not lying. Therefore, he was not lying. And in a court of law, the charges have been dropped. But in her emotional court of law, the charges have not been dropped.

He needs you, as a witness, to clarify and justify.

Another abuse tactic by deceitful men who want to skirt the issue.

Let me tell you about the kid with the mom that never catches him in the cookie story.

She announces "don't touch these cookies, they are for your school function tomorrow."

So what does the little boy do?

He knows about the cookie, takes a cookie, offers his baby brother the first bite of cookie, then proceeds to eat the cookie.

Now, mom comes in and counts the cookies.

One is missing.

Did the little boy eat the cookie?

The answer is no.

Because he did not eat the whole cookie.

But to deceitfully give his brother a bite of cookie and to just keep saying no to his mother about eating the cookie is withheld information.

His argument is simply this, if mom were to ask, did you eat the cookie or part of the cookie, then he could determine, It's not the whole cookie or the exact part of a cookie and again say no.

It's called twisting the truth and bending it.

Now, when dad gets home, he knows about these tricks and son knows it. He just simply yells, you ate that cookie and gave your brother some didn't you!

The kid just laughs and walks away and says, yeah, sorry.

It's human nature to practice deceit and then skirt the issue. Kids do it full time.

You don't expect it from men, yet, it happens everyday, from both men and women.

From myself and everyone. Thats why we are called human.

Tim, go take your woman on some nice dates and don't expect to immediately be in her life over night, especially with her friends. You shattered her trust and innocent image of you. Regain her trust and stop this skirting.

Admit you know she wouldn't have dated you and that you were a schmuck. Go put in your time for your crime. And not one emotional word while you are winning her back.

You have a fighting chance.

And stop brainwashing this girl.

Everyone, go have a milk and cookie!

hey gymgirlie , thans for the nice post , please read my second post , may be you be able to answer well
its
"" i m tired of finding answers for my situation, i know its long but please give it a look "" by sweety , in dating section only

Okay......................

Time to back up! Slow down!

Before we take on something complex, lets see if we can tackle something simple, like..................

What on earth made you conclude that my post was NICE??

Stop dating period until you are 28. Problem solved.

Your assignment is to reread this one until you get it with some comprehension.

And then further respond with some clarity.

Period.

Get to work girl.