“Hey, I Got One!” What Men Need To Know About Their Latest Lady Catch
courtesy of Adrien Leguay
Women have it so easy because the types of men have been wrapped up into tight little stereotype boxes that we open and then return when we find damaged goods inside. We know about the **** and the players. The baby daddies, the scrubs and the guys that can’t commit. The cheaters, the liars, and the guys who vanish into thin air after a night of sex. But what do guys know about the women that they hunt down in bar or where ever quality talent is found these days?
These are the women that your mother never warned you about.
The Pretty Girl-
This is the super attractive girl that you meet one night at a bar? Even more shocking is that this babe of all babes will actually talk to you and let you buy her drinks all night. You wonder how you got so lucky and reach down to pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming. Nope, she is still there with that gorgeous, self assured smile because she saw you coming a mile away. Then the next day your phone rings at 9AM and she wants you to drive her to her pedicure appointment. She would drive herself, but what if her big toe accidentally hits the break peddle and she smudges the nail polish? Major disaster! You fly out of bed in a hot minute to pick her up. Once you get there she stays busy texting her “friends” and when she gets tired of seeing you, she sends you out to get her a Starbucks and some fresh magazines because the salon doesn’t have the latest issue of Cosmo. Oh and by the way, you will be paying for that pedicure because while she was on the phone with you, she forgot her wallet.
Men give into these kinds of girls because they are pretty. They will be the envy of all their friends because she is hotter than any girl they have ever dated. But don’t think that you are the only one this pretty girl is talking to. Call her your girlfriend if it makes you feel more secure, but rest assured, she has your replacement ready to step in. All you have to do is say the word no. These girls know that they are pretty and all the guys want them. When they have blown through their contact list of man slaves, this is when you will find them out looking for a guy who only sees how pretty they are. But once you say no or God for bid ask her to do something for you, she dumps you faster than last seasons sandals. Basically these girls know that if you won’t do it for them, some other guy will.
We have all heard that stupid song played at some girl’s sweet sixteen or wedding while she slow dances with her daddy and cries on his shoulder because she is growing up. Whether you are the groom watching or some sixteen year old boy dodging daggers from the father every time he turns in your direction, this girl is trouble. There is no man on earth that will ever compare to her daddy. She gets what she wants and there is nothing you can do about it because daddy is waiting in the wings to punch your lights out. Every little thing you do is watched and compared to dear old dad. Before you know it, you’ll be left on the couch feeling useless because daddy can change the light bulb in her closet faster than you can.
Me, me, me, me. All girls want attention from guys, but this girl takes the cake and the cupcake. But don’t you dare tell her she is fat! Honestly, if she was that fat, would you really be dating her? Shame on you for saying no-smh. This girl wants all of your attention and she will do anything to get it. She sends endless text messages all day and calls you right after you get out of work and then texts you right away after you hang up. This may seem sweet for the first few weeks of new relationship bliss, but this is just an early warning sign of things to come. Before you know it, she’ll be at your house hanging out way past the point of leaving and even taking her cell phone in the bathroom to text you she misses you. As things move forward you find yourself a slave to your phone because if you don’t answer her text right away, she throws a fit. Taking this girl out for a date will become a chore and constant answering of 50 questions about how her hair looks and if she looks fat in her belly top and booty shorts. Then you start wondering who this girl is trying to impress. Not you. Her behavior gets worse if you change the routine and dare do something for yourself like take a night class or get a better job. You change the routine and spend less time with her and you find yourself dumped all because you didn’t pay enough attention to her, but Dave will. You know Dave, right? The guy she’s been texting and stalking on face book. The guy she said was just a friend when you became suspicious. Dave is now the guy who will pay her all the attention you didn’t give her. Lucky Dave-not!
The Virgin Mary-
This is the girl you most likely met in church. You spotted her in her Sunday’s best and could practically see the halo glowing above her head from the back pew. She bats her un-massacred eyes your way and you feel like you are floating on a cloud surrounded by baby angels. She will let you kiss her, but no tongue. Let you hold her hand, but just try and grab a hold of something else and she flashes the devil horns at you. Down boy. If you are a guy between the ages of 15-18, dating a girl like this is fine for a while, but if reality hasn’t set in by the time she is 28, run! Most of the time the virgin Mary is just using her virginity to get a ring. She is too lazy to play the field and is delusional enough to think that she is God’s gift and worth the wait. But what she really wants is a ring. The claims that she wants to remain pure to get closer to God is just an excuse. She knows that a man desperate enough will wait till the stars burn out to bed her. And why shouldn’t he? He took her out, spent all his money, and doted on her hand and foot hoping that he will get some underwear love. But unless you are prepared to put a ring on her finger, you ain’t gettin none. If you are a younger man who is dating a virgin and she happens to go off to college. Don’t expect her to keep her virginity for long. She will succumb to the pressures of sex when her roommates point out that no guy will ever date a girl that won’t have sex with him. Then your once sweet and innocent virgin dumps you because she needs space and hops on the first guy that she sees. If you are an older guy and meet a virgin Mary, don’t waste your time if you have already had sex. You can’t undo the feelings you get once you have already had sex. So why deny yourself the opportunity to feel good for a few seconds? Listen, God will not cast you into the eternal flame for experiencing something he designed our bodies to do. The virgin Mary deep down is an insecure chick that has been brain washed to believe that once a man gets what he wants, he will leave them. As if he will stay when she accuses him of being a horn dog and refuses to be anywhere near him if there is a bed within a few feet. Some men like to date virgins because they are innocent. Really? How can you tell? Most of the time a girl will say she is a virgin because she has slept with so many guys that she figures she better stop or God will come down and give her a talking to. Some guys like virgins because they have not experienced another man and don’t know any better. Um... girls watch ***** too ya know.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest-
Mental illness is not funny. People with a genuine mental illness do not apply here. But the girl who is always depressed or uses her bi-polar as an excuse to cheat, should be avoided at all costs. The emotionally un-stable girl who cries depression every time she calls you names or smashes your precious collection of whatever men collect that is precious to them. Is she really nuts or is this just an excuse? Women can have a chemical imbalance in their brains that a doctor can diagnose and prescribe medicine for. But sadly, most people who have a genuine mental illness don’t know they have it. But either way, you find yourself dating a girl that acts like she just walked out of a abnormal psychology text book. She pulls knives during an argument and punches holes in your walls so big that it looks like the Kool-aide guy paid a visit to your apartment. The next day she cries on the phone saying she is depressed and has no idea why she flipped out like that. Don’t wait around to find out. Just advise her to see a mental health professional or suggest she take up boxing. Bi-polar seems to be the latest buzz word mental illness diagnosed by some quack who just wants the commission off the pills they prescribe. There is no such thing as having a touch of bi-polar. There is no such doctor who says they think you have bi-polar. Either you do or you don’t. Having bi-polar also seems to be the latest excuse given by girls who cheat. Don’t fall for that. Cheating is cheating and if she knew it was wrong in the first place, then how does having bi-polar make it right?People with real bi-polar don’t think sleeping around is wrong and do it because they felt like it and they will not apologize. People read that people with bi-polar are promiscuous and use that as an excuse. When in reality that is just a part of the disease, not the whole thing.
No I am not talking about the sweet dessert that Dairy Queen sells. I’m talking about a girl who is cold to you and everyone around her. Men stay with this girl because they think they can melt the ice and get the girl. But what happens to a Popsicle? It melts as soon as it hits your tongue and then all you are left with is the wooden stick. You can’t make love to a piece of wood now can you? Women are supposed to be warm and fuzzy. They are supposed to be loving and kind. You should not have to convince a girl that love is great. You should not have to jump up into the sky to bring the sun down to help you warm this girl up.
Calling all super heroes! Men love to feel needed and love to stick around a girl that needs to be saved because they think that is being noble or faithful. But you are not Batman or Super Man or Captain America. Even they know to just save the girl, get the kiss, and fly away off into the night. This girl has been wronged more times than anyone you will ever meet. You feel horrible that she cries over her ex that cheated on her and left her to be with her best friend. You wipe away the tears over her father who left her before she was even born. Now you must stay because you have to prove that you are not like the rest or like her father. Yeah...good luck with that.
The Octo Chick-
This girl has more baby daddies than a nursery in a hospital ward. She pops out kid after kid just to collect the government benefits and you are her next supplier of baby batter. Just another man that she will hit up for child support because the other guys vanished. Proceed with caution. It’s okay to date a single mom. Things happen in relationships and mommy needs love to. But you must be careful if she has babies by different men. If it didn’t work out with them, it won’t work out with you. Most of the time, the octo chick gets pregnant because she thinks it will make the man stay with her. This is foolish and unhealthy. These women will also use their child to trick you into staying with them. They flaunt their kids around and you do your very best to impress her by getting close with the kids. Then they start calling you daddy and now you can’t leave because it called you daddy. The fact is that you are not their daddy and why should you have to pay their way in life just because she couldn’t stand having to see his face in court while demanding child support. So now she will find a sucker to pay for her life. Good luck going broke daddy-o.
Yes, females can be scrubs too. She has no job and no ambition. She dresses like a slob and grubs money from her friends. You meet her on her way home from a job interview that she was late for so she just decided to turn around and go home. Or she uses the money for the cab fare to buy drugs. She’s down to do whatever with whoever at anytime because living off of someone else is better than having a life of her own. Somebody needed to tell this girl that the party ended a long time ago and she needs to stop doing drugs and grow up. If you don’t do drugs, don’t date a girl that does drugs. So what it is just pot. So what it is a few lines of coke. So what she has a heroin problem. So what she will be dead before 40. She’s awesome! No not at all. You are not a drug counselor or a walking ATM that has to support her drug habit. If you work hard for your money, then she should work just as hard for her own money.
The Third Degree-
This girl is so jealous and insecure that she questions you like a professional who works for the FBI. Every chance she gets she finds an excuse to accuse you of cheating on her and thinks every word out of your mouth is a lie. Eventually she will make you drop your pants so she can smell your man parts just to be sure you were really staying late at work and banging the girl from the food store. She will ask you ten different ways what you really did with your friends just to see if you slip up. If she catches you even looking at another girl, she goes crazy and makes it seem like you just had sex with this girl right in front of her. She says stuff like, “Is she prettier than me?” “Do you want to marry her?” “Maybe I should go over there and tell her how much you love her.” Don’t bother trying to answer these questions or defend your actions. Nothing you say will ever be good enough to reassure her.
This girl never knows what she wants. She dates a guy for however long and then dumps them because she is unsure, wants to be single, and needs to find herself. What that all means is that she wants everything and anyone else but you. If she was with you for 2 years or more and still can’t decide if you are the one, then leave her alone to figure it out. Don’t answer her phone calls or respond to texts that say, “I miss you.” She misses you because everyday she is choosing to not be with you. If she keeps coming back to feel you out or says she wants to be friends after a break up and then still acts like you are in a relationship, it’s time to change your number. She is doing this because she is not ready to go out in the world and find herself or whatever she is looking for. If you were really the one holding her back, then why is she still calling you? You gave up your security blanket when you were a baby so why be used as one by someone who dumped you using cliche excuses?
That is my favorite song by Janet Jackson. But a man should never allow a woman to control his every move. You have a right to see your family and friends. You have a right to a life outside of the relationship. Overtime her life will become your life and you find yourself hanging out with her friends and spending holidays with her relatives. A relationship is stronger when the two lives merge together and there is compromise on everything. This girl makes more threats than a bully on a play ground. If you don’t do what she says, she says she is leaving and that you don’t care and are not trying enough. Whipping and owning another human being went out with slavery.
Here is what you can do to avoid girls like this.
-Don’t date a girl that has pretty girl syndrome. Instead date the girl that is beautiful on the inside and is happy with the features her parents gave her. The beautiful girl will do just as much for you as you do her. Hey, men can get pedicures too and don’t you like a girl who will buy you a drink? Or date a fat chick who will stay with you because she is happy to have you. Fat chicks are loyal and want to please because they have been holding all that affection in just waiting for someone to give it to. A fatty can lose weight and the pretty girl’s look will fade and eventually she will get fat too.
-Butterflies are beautiful and sweet in nature. Date a girl who is close with her father, but will let him go once she is married or in a serious relationship and will call him to say hi instead of complaining about what you don’t do right. You should be the man on the pedestal right next to her dad and not the pedestal he stands on.
-Pay attention to the girl who does not have insecurity problems and doesn’t have a heart attack if you don’t speak to her for hours at night after spending all day with her. Date the girl who is independent and can go a few days without a conversation so she has something else to talk about other than how much you missed her.
-Dating a virgin is fine as long as you both are willing to go along with that whole thing. But don’t date a virgin just for the sake of dating one because you think you will win her over. If you like sex, go for any other girl who is not a virgin. Run away from the girl that wants to wait until marriage to have sex. Talk about pressure.
-Avoid crazy chicks that slink around depressed because they exists. Life sucks sometimes, but you are there to love her and that should turn her frown upside down. Date the girl that you don’t constantly have to reassure that you love them and questions you as to why. If she doesn’t know her self worth, she ain’t worth it. You are not her punching bag or murder victim.
-If you feel cold next to a girl on a hot summer day, run for the hills. Slurpees are cold, women should not be. Don’t waste your time trying to warm up an icy heart. Date the girl that makes you feel good and makes you feel good in return.
-Save a drowning victim or a cat in a tree. Don’t waste your time trying to save a girl that can’t be saved. Date the girl who can save herself from all the hurt in her life and not make everyone around her pay for the mistakes of others.
-Have a baby when you are ready to be a father. Date the girl who will one day want a family of her own and will work with you to develop a relationship that leads to that. Don’t date the girl who has been there done that now just give me money. Having your first child with the mother is a special experience that you should not be robbed of.
-Girls with no ambition and like to party all the time may be fun for a while, but after some time, all good things come to an end. Date a girl who likes to have fun, but then gets up the next day and acts like an adult.
-Date the girl that is confident. She does not allow other women to intimidate her when you look at them or talk to them. She knows she is going home with you and that men will look at other girls.
-Love is not confusing. Either you love the one you are with or you don’t. Don’t date the girl who all of a sudden says she doesn’t love you or she lost the spark and her feelings for you. Date the girl who shows you how much she loves you or is at least honest enough to say it’s not working out.
-If a girl does not have a reason not to trust you, then don’t stick around when she says she doesn’t. Love is trust. Don’t date the girl who snoops through your phone and questions every female number you have listed in your contacts.
-Controlling someone is a form of abuse. Don’t date the girl who dictates your life and cuts you off from everyone in your life otherwise she will leave you. If you allow this, when she dumps you, the ones who loved you will not be there for you.
Date the girl that makes the song, I’ve Been Waiting by Foreigner play in your head after you make sure she is none of the above.