756 15

“You should avoid just jumping into another relationship right away, you don’t want to fall into a rebound.”

But the thing is- Maybe we do.

Now, maybe the dating won’t hold up in comparison to your last relationship, and maybe you won’t be as invested. But maybe that’s a good thing. I tend to have a pattern, after I get heart broken, I meet someone I like being with, and I’ll date them for like 1-3 months. After that, I generally realize I’m not as invested as I should be, and end it.

It gives me someone to take my mind off my sadness, my heartbreak and the general feeling of being alone. Now, in saying this, I’m not saying to rush into anything serious. But dating after a break up can help you feel wanted, it can give you someone great to hang out with, and they can help you heal until you’re ready to be single again, and start looking for the real thing.

Don’t lead the other person on. Don’t tell them you love them if you don’t, don’t physically go super far, or you will hurt them, and that’s not right.

But when people tell you not to date after a heart break, ignore them. Remind yourself what’s out there.

Depth of InfinityCreative Commons License courtesy of ~FreeBirD®~

Sorry this post is so short. I took a knee to the head at work, I’m nursing a mild concussion with a skull fracture and mild hemorrhage. Oh, the joys of coaching. So I’ll be here and there for a while, but I am coming back =).

On a side note: This hasn’t been my healthiest year has it =/.

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a


  • emk: [quote]Don’t lead the other person on. Don’t tell them you love them if you don’t, don’t physically go super far, or you will hurt them, and that’s not right.[/quote]
    To enter a relationship with someone to heal yourself that you know will probably end in 1-3 months is the definition of leading them on. Using someone that is trying to find their love, taking their attention + effort and affection is going to hurt them when you are done with them, nor is it right to waste their time. It doesn’t matter what you tell them or tell yourself... but knowingly going into a rebound relationship is "leading someone on" and will "hurt them" and "not right". After all... it is feeling wanted, and valued, and their affection that heals you and that comes with a cost to them.
    Yes, a rebound relationship will help YOU heal, and soon you will be ready to find someone you really want... But don’t try to justify it as something that can be done right... It is always at expense of hurting someone else, possibly a lot costlier than the amount of healing you will experience.
    Skimming through the posts on here, and going through my own experience, it is a sh!tty thing to experience. Honestly, it blows my mind that you can justify it, and are promoting such an idea.
    Heal yourself, and stop spreading the pain.
  • Sigi: Get better soon! I hope it’s not serious.
    emk, I think if the other person knows from the beginning that you are not looking for a serious relationship, just a little fun and companionship then its ok.
  • sara28: adding to what she said. After my last break up i met this guy online. We never met in person. It was just text or phone calls, but it did help. When my ex came around I told that guy that I wont be talking to him anymore. He was hurt regardless of never meeting me. We probably spoke every other day, and kept the messages to the minimum. I wasnt in love with him never told him so. And he told me he was in love with me without meeting. So he was really upset about it. That made me think that we are all living in a society where we all want to be in love. A little affection or attention shouldnt be turned into love. There is love at first sight but come on people, GET REAL. I still agree with lyssabugg...its not your fault if someone falls in love with you without actually meeting or a real relationship...
  • Baron A.: I am still trying to wrap my mind around the rebound. I remember telling my rebound that i was not ready, that she was a beautiful girl, and if I was not going through this she would be the one, I think! Needless to say she wanted to be around me, she fell hard. I enjoyed the attention, but felt overwhelmed at times, then she wanted more and then I ran, it was hard to hear the phone ring and I just could not answer it, most difficult time of my life.
    Would I do it again? YES!!!
  • emk: Curious as to why you would do it again Baron? do you agree that it was MUCH harder for her (especially her having heard the words that she qualified as "the one")?
  • Baron A.: See the thing is I was indeed weak, but the experience offered me something that i needed or wanted during my time of healing from a broken heart. The mistake I made was when I knew she was falling I should have walked away, that mistake I would not make in future, but if I can be honest with my feelings, and you still want to share you with my broken heart, then I would.
    If you are asking me if this is something I would recommend for someone who has just been out of a long term relationship and need a shoulder to lay on, then no certainly, someone is going to get hurt, once you push it beyond a certain point.
  • Thunderwolf: I will pose the same question to both Lyssa and Baron.....If you’re going to set someone up to fall, are you any better than any other PUA? And a follow up, Do you think you could withstand the same if it was played on you? No judgement here, just askin’
  • Baron A.: @Thunderwolf, I would not recommend getting into a rebound relationship at ALL!! I am just saying that I had the experience and did not regret it, and I am sure if someone did it to me, it would hurt like hell.
  • emk: Sara28: Love is irrational, I don’t think it’s realistic for people to say when people should or shouldn’t fall in love. It just happens... we read about it here all of the time when after the fact it seems so wrong.
    Also, how can you define a real relationship from one that doesn’t count as a real one? Does the rebound victim know? From the perspective of the rebound victim, they are investing a substantial amount of time and energy to support and heal the other person... Does it make sense that they would want to stick around and expend so much effort they knew from the beginning that other person would just leave... to start looking for "the real thing".
    In my mind, it doesn’t matter whos fault it is, or that they shouuldn’t have fallen in love, or if you warned the other person in the first place; it is just a way of justifying something that is selfish. You don’t get healed if the other person doesn’t invest themselves and you know from the beginning that you will not invest yourself after you get healed. No one out there would invest months of time and energy know that they are just being used with no hope of a future; the mixed messages you are sending are giving them hope.
    I realize that I could very well be naive, because this seems so black and white to me.
  • LyssaBugg: Some of the confusion is my fault; I had a head injury and there are some things I should have explained more clearly. One thing, EMK, I never said "GO OUT AND SEEK A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP!" I was saying, that after a major heartbreak, I tend to start looking to date. I’ll find someone that I really like talking to, and I’ll go on some "dates" (that’s right, I never said a "relationship") for one to three months. Going on the dates distracts me, and often I’ll think I’m getting into something real. Then, one day, I’ll wake up, and my ex won’t cross my mind nearly as much, and I realize I’m not as invested in the person as I should be, so I end it. Never in my article does it say it is admirable to find a rebound. What I DO suggest in my article is to start looking to date early on, because dating can heal you. But it has a word of caution, that it can be a rebound, so don’t do anything to rash soon after a break up, but there is nothing wrong with dating, especially if at the time you believe it is more than it is. In fact, no where in my article does it say they word "relationship."
  • LyssaBugg: (Side note- 1-3 months comes from how often you see the person. If I see a person every other week, it can go for 3 months, if I’m seeing someone a few times a week, it would be less. After a break up I have a one date a week rule). Going on a few public dates (dinner, movies, bowling), that last a duration of an hour or so each, is not setting a person up to fall in love in my opinion. In my case, people I’ve met online lately. That being said, there will always be crazy people off their rocker that even before you go on a date you will say, "I don’t want anything serious/I’m dating a few people" will decide you’re in love, and in a relationship after one date. Yeah, it happened, and it was awkward.
  • gummybears: I learned from rebounds...about rebounds. lol!
    our bodies need bodies to be around. we go through severe withdrawl otherwise.
  • Johnny Nicks: Some rebounds may be useful..
    Focusing on someone new, according to the limited research on the subject of rebound relationships, can help a person recover from a break-up (Spielmann, S., Macdonald, G., & Wilson, A., 2009).
  • banshee: There was no such term as "rebound relationship" when I was dating. At least it wasn’t in wide use. My "rebounds" made me feel alive again. In no case was I still in love with an ex, but I guess I was still nursing my wounds from a prior breakup. I see no ethical issues because I was ready for the next relationship, and in no way using the new guy as a "placeholder". I don’t know. At what point after a breakup does a new relationship stop being a "rebound?"
  • banshee: ThunderWolf’s last post made me remember when I was someone else’s rebound, sort of. We dated once. Than he WROTE ME A NOTE saying he had just gotten engaged to his ex, "CANDY". I wasn’t heartbroken (it had only been one date), but I was pretty PO’d. Though it probably would have hurt more had we dated longer.

Add Your Own Comment:

By clicking 'Submit' you agree to the Site Terms
By entering this site you declare you are 18 or older, you read and agreed to its Terms, Rules & Privacy and you understand that your use of the site's content is made at your own risk and responsibility.
Copyright © 2006 - 2015 Relationship Talk