How We Can Be Better Partners In Relationships The Second Time Around

Despite growing divorce rates and an increasingly open acceptance of “singledom,” most of us at some time in our lives will decide to settle down with a partner. Few if any of us enter into a relationship with the intention that it will be short lived, end badly or break our hearts, but nevertheless it has happened to even the best of us. Often, the rifts are great and many couples choose to part ways rather than flounder in a dying relationship. But for many others, there were less pressing issues that were allowed to fester, and these led to one partner ending the relationship, saying “I love you but…”(fill in your favorite line here).

Now in retrospect, what if there WAS something worth saving, you just lost that “loving feeling” somewhere along the way? Here are a few things to consider when deciding to try again or move on:

1.) Genuine Love

This is by far the most important ingredient to this equation. It is important to really understand that love is more than just companionship or good times.

Love is not about:

“needing” someone

wanting to be each other’s everything

throwing out your reason and desires in order to endeavor for their smallest crumbs of affection

Demanding, forcing or pleading for the feeling to be there

Be honest with yourself and listen to your gut and your reason equally. is this really love, or is it dependency, fear of rejection, loneliness….

Love involves sacrifice, hard work and the frank understanding that while you CAN have a life outside of this relationship, your life will be less fulfilling without this person in it. Love means that despite your differences, your partner makes you feel good about who you are as a Person, respects and honors your feelings and shares a common desire to make the relationship work, because they value the LOVE shared between you.

2.) Commitment:

This goes hand in hand with true love in my opinion. Someone who is not completely vested in a relationship, who cannot allow themselves to open themselves fully to you, will NEVER be the partner you need right now or ever unless they choose to fix themselves. Emotionally unavailable partners drain your spirit and leave you feeling broken and less than whole. You end up working for 2 partners to salvage the relationship, and ultimately the strengths you brought into the relationship are replaced by neediness, clinginess, resentment and sadness. Ultimately, even the slack partner will cut loose and all that was put in will be for naught. Everyone deserves to be with someone who WANTS them and recognizes the VALUE in their partner. If you give your loyalty to someone who cannot commit their heart or body to you, then you can only prolong the inevitable breakup and increase the amount of pain you must endure.

3.) Respect:

There will be times that you will be angry or annoyed with your partner, but you must always maintain a level of regard for the other person. This means being honest and forthright, but not ‘hitting below the belt” to win an argument or to cover your bruised ego. We all have been guilty of inadvertently hurting our loved ones, and it will inevitably happen for times to come. But part of loving and respecting your partner is to anticipate their needs, support them in their weaknesses, and allow them to entrust their heart to us. This is the root of respecting your partner, because if you cannot accept or appreciate who they are  “for better or for worse,” then  there can be no commitment to stay, and no deep, open love.

These are just a few things to consider when reflecting on one’s relationship and what one may need to evaluate in order to rekindle a relationship.

Beyond this, the most important thing you can really do is ASK your partner what they need to feel in order to feel loved in a relationship.This means all of the aforementioned, as well as trust, loyalty, compassion, etc. If you are able to understand what it is your partner needs from you, this is the best and most sincere way of winning back their love and making things stronger the second time around, or ensuring that the next relationship is the one that lasts.

Best luck to you