I am married, but still have feelings for my first love that I can't ignore.

I have been married for 15 yrs. It has been the most wonderful relationship ever and it has been the worst relationship ever. He started out as my best friend, and ended up as my worst enemy after physical abuse. I had an affair in attempt to leave him. He wouldn't let me leave. I agreed to stay only if we got help and he agreed.

Things slowly got better, but there was still emotional and phyiscal abuse involed until about 3 yrs ago. For 3 yrs we enjoyed some piece and quiet and had a fairly good marriage. We have kids, and that was the biggest reason we tried to make things work.

Long story short, I recently reconnected with my first love. It has been 15 yrs since I told him I was getting married and couldn't talk to him again. But once we reconnected a couple of months ago, it has been hard for me to get him out of my mind. I feel like we picked up right where we left off - in love and not able to act on it.

Out of guilt, I told my husband about me talking to my first love who is 3000 miles away. My husband didn't feel threatened, and allowed the communication as long as it didn't get flirty and remainded on a friend level.

Well, that was impossible, and my husband found out that it was flirty and more of a threat then he thought. Again, long story short - here I sit with a black eye and my husband not allowed home due to him being arrested. He has said he is sorry, and wants to make it work. My first love, who is married, says I need o leave. I know that this is probably true, but I can't seem to do it. And I don't want to stop talking to my first love. I feel good talking to him. It's like a dream or a fairy tale with him that can never happen because of my compilcated marraige that invloves 4 kids.

I know that the replies will be to leave an abusive relationship, but there is a lot of good in our years togeher that involves 4 kids.

I hope someone can relate.

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5 years ago #2
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Better to leave both the guys. About your first love, respect his feelings and stop contacting him. And your husband. He is a loser. Leave him.

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5 years ago #3
sara
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Leave your current husband. It is NEVER acceptable for him to lay a hand on you ever. You are a strong women who doesn't need him. Your kids would be happy to know that their mother isn't getting her **** kicked. Life goes on, you don't need either. You can NOT let his man ruin your life, you can be happy. He will never change his ways if he hasn't now

As for your true first love.... stay friends but that's IT. he has a family now too. Who knows, everything happens for a reason.

first.. divorce your husband. i have no clue who you are but i PROMISE you can do better.
second.. live your life. start doing things for yourself that make you feel beautiful and happy. You don't need anyone to make you happy.
third.. just step away from men for awhile.. you need to figure this all out in your head first.

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cjames avatar
5 years ago #4
cjames
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I know you are right. It is not easy. I hope to get this resolved through the courts. I can say I am kinda glad it all happened because I see it as a way out. I should have taken the opportunity the last time he was arrested, but I gave in to getting help for us so that the kids didn't have to go through a divorce.

Thanks for your feedback. I don't think I can give my first love up right now. I thought I did that before I got married, but I was wrong. There is something there, I can't say why, or how, but it is sooo strong. I can wait though. I can be on my own. When you said that I should just leave them both, I could imagine that and it felt good. Your right!

None of this is easy, and I have a long road ahead of me.

My husband keeps saying he is sorry and it will never happen again. I say it's ok, but it's not. I am not able to leave him own my own - I hope the court will help me do this. I want to seperate. We need it. Our family needs it. If we are to work out, then it will happen through therapy. It is so easy for me to say this here, and soooo hard to carry out.

I think I am closer to leaving him...just need some help. I don't want to hurt him - yes I know how crazy that sounds.

You're right that life goes on. This is just a bump in the road in my life.

Things will be happening in the next few weeks, I will keep you informed.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

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cjames avatar
5 years ago #5
cjames
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I know you are right. But maybe you are confused about my first love. He wants me to leave my husabnd. He wants me to be with him. He is married, but not with the mother of his children. He loves her, but not enough to stay with her. It is a marriage of convenience. I know I should not take advantage of that situation...but it's hard not to given mine.

I need to not worry about either one of them. I need to be on my own, and I hope to get that through the court, becauese I can't do it on my own.

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5 years ago #6
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Thats a good decision. But it will be hard. It will take time. But you can do it.

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2 years ago #7
Mr. Hung
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Wow. No wonder he gave you a black eye, you are an unloyal cheater. I can totally understand him for giving you a black eye, although I don't condone hitting a woman, ever! Why? Cause when a woman like yourself does something like this, even if you deserve it, you ain't worth it spending the night in jail. You instantly turn into damage goods into the eyes of any decent men.

Yep, you ain't the innocent victim princess you're trying to portrait yourself to be. Boohoo poor you....you want to leave your family, your man and kids to run away and be with another man who is also married and just like you're breaking your family, you are also breaking another family. Wow really? To your poor attempt at it all I can say is, you Failed!

It should be him who should leave you before your stupid, selfish, insane, crazy, tennage disrespectful and ridiculous , out of control behavior causes him to cause you real harm or even kill you like it had happened since the beggining of humanity. You are very dishonest. Just because you told your guy you are a "cheater on a mission to have your selfish ways without any regards for the damages your causing", (aka; that you have no values and respect for him, much less for yourself or your kids), it does not make you an honest person. You are still a cheat. Didn't you ever learn self control and respect for others? ou should be ashame. And no, you are not the victim here even you having a black eye. The ONLY victims here are your guy and your kids and let's not forget the other woman who her world would be shattered by your selfishness. You are the evil perpetrator here. And NO, that ain't love. It's horrible and terrible what you're trying to do here.

Sorry but I am not going to side with you on this, with your so lame "hey look I'm the victim here cause I have a black eye" ****. But worse than that is your failed attempt to paint yourself as the suffferer when it was you decided to dishonor your family. Get real. You can't hide behind your black eye to expect people's sympathy. You know you're wrong, but you are just looking for other crazy women like yourself to validate your wrong doings and tell you it is ok to have no values and be a selfish little brat, who just happens to have 4 kids and a family.

Only other crazy selfish immature women and feminists could side with you on this one. It's a shame. I mean, are you seriously thinking that you can mask what you did by playing victim here? Your guy, he is the victim here. Then followed by your innocent kids for having a tramp as their mother. Wait till they grow older and learn the truth. Ohh boy will they hate you for it.

I hope that your guy is not your guy any more. He deserves better than you. Good luck breaking that others family marriage along with your own. It won't last and when this hs sweetheart decides to do the same to you with a new crush, remember what you did and save your cocodrile tears.

How do I know? I've seen it happen with my own eyes more than you can't imagine. Like when my mother did this to my father and when my wife did it to me. Yeah, that's right, I know who you are and what I'm talking about here. Shame on you for ever. You will never be able to erase a dirty nasty stain from your life, Ever!!!!

I just hope your kids and their father along with that other poor woman are okay. Cause they are the real victims here, not you and your married lover.

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2 years ago #8
Sensemaker
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Wow is right! Mr. Hung obviously has deep hatred for women and finds violent crime acceptable. I recommend intense therapy for that anger.
But to the original poster who is violating her marriage, tolerating abuse and has mommy black and. Blue and daddy in snd out of jail for his violence- no one is protecting those 4 kids from that nightmare childhood. But you want to protect them from divorce?? Which is more traumatic? If u believe u r setting an example by keeping the family together for the kids you are too weak to raise kids. They won't ever see strength or feel protected in such chaos. Shame on both of you. If u won't get out then get those innocent children out.

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2 years ago #9
dolly32
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Thats what you get, for being a unfaithful wife. I have no sympathy for you. Mr Hung is right

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7 months ago #10
Joyce Hobbs
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I am in a similar situation. If you have a chance with your first love. Take it !!!

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7 months ago #11
pop
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Those good feelings your first love is bringing back are just memories of the way it was. That was 15 years ago. neither of you are the same. You've been in a fantasy world that existed a long time ago. Now you've brought more heartache down on yourself after your real marriage had been doing OK. You need to get away from your "fantasy" man and probably now should get out of your marriage as well. The abuse will likely continue once again.

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7 months ago #12
been there
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What you're doing will only bring pain and heartache to you as well as the other man...and his family. Stop the whole catastrophe...NOW ! You'll wish you had down the road someday. The grass is seldom greener on the other side.

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7 months ago #13
Jimmy James
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I agree w Joyce. I too am in a similar situation where an ex from appx 15 yrs ago contacted me out of the blue. She was the one that got away & I was elated to hear from her again. That was over 4 months ago & we have been in contact almost every day since, even met up a several times. It's clear we're crazy about each other...pretty much picked up where we left off. I never thought I'd have this chance again w her but unfortunately she is married(I am not), tho unhappily. I've been trying to keep my distance but the truth is I don't want to nor does she. I believe she wants me to tell her to leave her husband & I want to, but I don't want her to leave him because of me. Although we do have a long history of migrating back to one another which tells me, now that we're older & wiser, that perhaps it's meant to be. Or perhaps we are just fooling ourselves...

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3 months ago #14
Isis56
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In early 2012 my sister in law started me in face book.. I was lonely with my husband in A physical Rehab the last 2 years, Things had actually been lonely since the day we married with the needs of the US Navy submarine service being his primary wife He Was given an emergency orders packet, sending him down to Kings Bay GA the night we married, A set of younger ratings had gone out and got themselves high on pot and were busted in a drug test The boats were all heading to sea the next three days and my husband was out the next morning on hi first deterant patrol ensuring the ability of MAD ( Mutual Assured Destruction). Three and a half years later he came home to a Bi Polar wife, a state assigned guardianship. A hostile father, Hostile community him and 157 others were coming back to set family sets back in the seniority of the areas largest employer, He came back with contractual Accrued seniority of more than 60 percent of the 7500 person work force and All wanted him To reenlist , It did not matter if he went with

The Army his first service The Navy his second or he could have chosen another in the air force or marines. just as long as him and people like him did not return and as his father said disrupt the lives in the area. Take his seniority over those that in many cases worked the most menial jobs and had just been hired in the last two years of his navy hitch. It just did not seem fair that people were coming back from the service, and because a contract said as long as the walked into HR within the first thirty days from effective discharge which the discharge was under honorable conditions, The Seniority that was supposed to accrue during that time would be reinstated in full. The Law only says they have to be returned to their old position, The UAW contract laid the terms of seniority and its accumulation.

Within there days of my husbands return home his mother had to beg him to reinstate the first day and not murder his father over 30 days off. The second day home it was all hands on deck so to speak with my husbad pinning his father to the ceiling with the threat if I was not standing beside im in under two minutes, He was going to start taking walls out with his fathers body until he saw me, and he added he had been on his last nerve end since the day before he was going to get off or be crushed like a bug. To Keep out of sight I was supposed to go shopping with his sister , But his anger was out of control. The next day we had chosen a house, Made The payment, picked the keys up, Went t military relocation to bring our things in the next day, Started the utilities and cable and picked work cloths out for him. We got back to his father and anther two women at his house One a pretty Doris day look alike in her mid to late 30s the Other a very pretty 19 year old blond girl It was not two minutes before his father was demanding if he put a shift preference to days in, My Husband admitted he had but saw no relevance to the question he was bumping somebody with six months seniority to his nine years, I could tell the pretty blond had been crying. Her mother the older woman was very angry. His father matched her, He started yelling he could not just start three days before before he was causing trouble. Why did he think he should bump off seconds to days. my husbands answer was simple He hatted second shift, his seniority bumped the lowest on day so sorry for whoever it was, He said is it one of the ladies boyfriend. It was the pretty blond herself. My Husband neither knew nor cared about her. I Was drawn in with the statement I better have something to say, It was something I did not want to do but I told my husband that we had to let the dust settle from his return He could not just do as he pleased willy nilly. I Said pull his shift preference because seconds would ruin the girls social life, He was to consider the bedroom off limits for 2 years to ensure his cooperation, after two years we could start our marriage the way it should have 3 and a half years before. his father said it was a fair and equitable solution The next thing was he slammed out into the garage searching for something he had left there eight years before, He came back though with a foot locker and his old army bivwac kit, said just stay a bit and we could all talk this through, he did not have to be angry about this homecoming it was what was best for everyone, His father said just learn he was a small fish in a big pond not important in the sceme of things, He had to hit the floor or the table would have hit him in the face All the women there were terrified at the display. My husband stormed out calling me a mercenary b**** his mother came through the door a second latter asking what happened his brother and sister were stark white, His mother listened for several minutes, She Turned on me and his father yelling what right did I have to say that to her son. She turned to the woman and said If they were not out of her house in three minutes they would not like what was said to them, She then told me to go for a long walk.

His sister told me when I returned that her father was told to spend a few days in The Days Inn, She said we were going to the house we chose the next day and try and salvage something She said I should reconsider the last three days., We arrived at our house just as the movers dd, We found his father on his hands an knees in the front yard with his nose pouring blood into the grass. We heard my husband say what was I doing ther I should be out putting my fancy degree to work earning my half of the expenses as a room mate. He hoped my bed was as icy as my heart. He started sleeping on his foam mat, In The library typewriter desk area. He set up the water bed in the aster bedroom and heated it. HE just said I had one month to start earning my keep or start being a wife. My Therapist called my husband in and explained pressure would just keep things tense. just try and work with everyone, He went out of her office saying some home coming to his non marriage and his non life.

In !987 for the same girl to Go to Rome and get married and have a honey moon, I Had to promise two weeks before leaving. To get him the over 4000 he had paid in non refundables then he made me swear and Sign what I swore. He said he had not had a day off since before we married and he did not wan6t to stay and work for the company H**, who was worse than useless art work, If her daddy the area manager, and her mommy the Director of admissions where his father work just let her sink or swim she would definatly sink, she had already asked if my husband was gay because he would not fall all over himself, trying to do for her.

I signed and he had it notarized that any time, any where and any way he wanted a vacation after our return from rom I was going to keep my promise and be a willing sex partner and travel companion. We flew out to every insult my husband could bring to bear. Including when his father yelled to get our luggage into checkin instead of keep his lazy a** in the seat.

He acted like a slave of the old south. Then Peeled out dumping everything in the road.

When We came home it was worse. Our intension was to let him have any three weeks after the Christmas shutdown and arrange to let him have ten days personal time without getting any write up forb it to replace the holidays. His Union President said he could arrange that, We arrived back and was going to tell him what he was going to have for a vacation time frame to make up for the Rome trip. In all everyone but one person felt it was a fair offer. That was my husband, He had already decided he would rather defy us than have the winter vacation times the next 24 years he said why should he use his personal time to make up for the time his seniority should enable. . For 24 years it was court orders overriding the contract forcing him to work all offered hours and stay on seconds after My mother would not take the Guardianship on me the Judge threw out the divorce petition filed three days after we flew in from Rome This was August 1989, My husband was so angry the order to work all offered hour was not removed it was lucky he was not jailed for contempt, He actually said he felt nothing but contempt for that kangaroo court and its kiss a** judge, instead the judge would not hear to take the order off Keeping my husband on the job and on second shift the next 12 years until the order was recinded in july 2001 In a judicial review, The holidays for 2000 we were going to Bavaria. my husband was going to out right defy the order on him, refuse to work the holidays and take two weeks on the back end of the holiday with his 24 years. His father was telling me he was causing all kinds of worry in the county with either the court order being removed or he was going to Use the ACLU to Sue for 100 million. We were trying to find some way around his anger art the time and first took his passport denying him the right to board hiding it in a safe deposit box the first time, We actually had to have him jailed for the orders defiance. They held him the eight hours until we flew out Then escorted him to his job, I heard he dared the company to write him up for being late by five hours, and he went to the NLRB over the locals head, everyone was just trying to keep the peace and he was getting in every ones face, He went to our house after the midnight srtroke on New Years eve 1999. I tried calling from Bavaria to at least wish in a Happy new year and he said f*** off and hung up on everyone. We were going to set up four weeks latter that Spring this time. I and everyone else in the group even went out of our way to buy a very Expensive Bavarian Swiss clock 1300.00 was the price US. Customs was another 130. I was going to give it to him for his Christmas/ Birthday gift since we were flying in on his birthday. His mother was going to give him 3000for the spring vacation we were going to suggest, A trip to Italy since he missed the 1987 trip. This time to Pizza and Florence or The Canaries. We Flew in and he had a wolfish smile. I said good he was not angry I said Lets go home and I would give him the gift I had For him and we could pick and plan the trip later that year so we could get the courts permission, He said something strange like that judge will have any thing to say soon. I said just please hear us out this time before starting to yell about it, He Said well let me give you my gift for Christmas, I opened the box to the most hidious stench He was showing me what he thought of everyone by filling it with dog s***. I had to dump it in the trash crying that we were trying to figure something out for him why did he have to be so mean. his father said that was uncalled for to do to your wife, My husband said what wife, I was a sponge in his life. We arrived at his fathers and his mother started crying and asked if that was what respect he should have for them.

Their house was covered in the same as the box and in red paint on the picture wino was Tyrants, Users, and Dictators live here. 2000 we came home feeling good about the future within 2 hours that feeling for the future was killed because my husband wanted things his way and was not getting it. Latter that month my mother in law wanted to meet without his father and her oldest son, She was trying to think of something to get my husband to be nice to people, we were hearing at work nobody could reason with him. He just did his job and left. She said there was a lot of bad blood roaming around and she hoped to God somehow the impass between my husband his father and coworkers would be broken. She said that day things were at a point some body could die She said that I had better get our sex life in order or I could be the one the axe feel on, My Husbands mood was that dangerous. He was mouthy to county official In 2009 He told a governor he had no right to give him any order because he did not work for him, A New Plant manager before he retired said I hear you don't like my MRO system, He asked my husband what did he think it Stood for, several friends sad he looked at him and stated without even a thought mentally retarded organization Several people said he spent that summer with no respect for any one or any thing, he had already spent 8 years how much he respected me starting in 2000, with his Christmas gift just as I was trying to make amends..

The Spring of 2009 I was left with an impossible conundrum to sort out. My husband had 35 years seniority, I Knew he had not had a vacation, and the number of days off were counted on six fingers, He Had five weeks vacation due him, had almost a months personal time Since 1987 his mother me and others had been trying to find a way my husbands seniority did not stomp on needs> We had been trying to get him to take the time between Christmas shutdown and Valentins day when he was not under court order to work all hours offered from 1987 to 2001, In 2009 He was not going to let a young man with 33 years less seniority have a honey moon with his 4 month pregnant bride before she was due that fall. I knew taking and cashing his reservations on the orient express in and stealing his passport again. When we did it I talked to his union president and showed him what or plan was. I said His orient express trip was already done he was not going, he just did not know it yet. I said I was making a much nicer time just for the two us, the time between Christmas shutdown and Valentines day us In St Croix. His father gave me the 6354 to hold until then I thought since my husband had not really had any time off since 1981, he should be able to go seven more months without complaint in January 2010, in that time span it was a mere drop in the bucket and we could try to give the young man beside him a good start on life together, so much better than my and my husbands as he isessently pointed out many times tearing my heart out about not having a family of our own because I had denied him that opportunity to keep him under control and disrupting the community. The first time he hurt me was a night he took a job bid, leaving four men dying on our front porch, me laying under the front door he just kicked in. the Orient Express trip was the second time he hurt me. We were in a TSA office trying to get him to see the good reason he needed to stay and work again 24 years after he came home. He was rifling through his laptop case yelling where was his passport, boarding pass, and reservation confirmations, He then saw the younger man go up the ramp. I was Standing In TSA explaining there was a surp0rise after Christmas for Him and I was holding the cancelation check until then to keep him from causing trouble like he did in 1987. I said we were not going to keep him from a vacation he just had to accept we knew best. To get the Check He grabbed my shoulder bag Was yelling he had a flight to catch out of Ohare To Chareles Degaul so he could make every stop hell across Europe for canceling him again. He dislocated my Shoulder getting it over my objections, To get his passport he was strangling his father to death screaming that no more was he going to stop his time off it took seven men to haul him off his father, His Chaplin who we asked to be there to help prevent this TSA put him on 30 days no fly because of his threat, He ended up back at work any way. October the 24th after not even having a rational conversation with him in five months I had orthroscopice surgery for a torn ACL from when he threw me across the office over his reservations Labor day the National union told us he was not going to be allowed in The plant thanksgiving and Christmas shutdown They were going to lock his cards out, which made his father cry saying what about people that really needed the week We were asked didn't my husband also have needs His chaplin told me his mother and father we were acting like we were royalty. Acting like our word was law. His Father claimed he's causing to much trouble over his stinking rights by January my husband was in Isolation until July Without nerve impulse in his legs and spine fully fused. The next time he hurt me was two weeks after discovering I sought comfort with another man while he was in rehab. He Spent 20 minutes hammering him into the floor of our living room The police had to stop him and take him to a stress center.

Two weeks latter he came home demanding his rights as a husband I had not offered that evening. I wanted time to try and work everything out He Decided he was not giving any more time, and took what I had denied by raping me. That was the third time he hurt me one pain for each decade he hurt and was abused.

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2 months ago #15
Cuddlylittlelamb
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Best to end the marriage, and move on. Do not return to the first love, there's a reason why that relationship ended too. Best to start fresh with someone new hopefully will be your true love and last.

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