I am married for 10 years with no kids. I am in love with an...

I am married for 10 years with no kids. I am in love with another man and we have known each other for 3 years. I like my husband, I would like if he were just my friend and not a husband. We don't have any passion in our marriage from the beginning. Now I have told my husband I love someone else and want to marry the other guy and start over a new life. My husband does not agree to this and does not want me to leave him. He says forget your affair think its past and lets start new life, however i just cant get over the other guy. He is younger to me and wants to marry me.

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JO46 avatar
5 years ago #2
JO46
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Why don't you give your husband a chance? You have invested 10 years with him. Work together on improving your marriage. There are many good books out there to help you understand each other and the need in your marriage.

It's interesting that you mentioned that there is passion missing in your marriage. Did you know there are 3 areas in a marriage that need to be experienced to have a fulfilling love?

Robert Sternberg proposes that love can be conceptualized as consisting of three primary components: passion, intimacy and commitment. These can be conceptualized as a `love triangle` with the three components forming each side.

Passion `the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and related phenomena'

Intimacy `feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in loving relationships`

Commitment `the decision that one loves someone else and ... the commitment to maintain that love

Surveys reveal that those who work out their problems actually end up being happier down the road.

My advice is to not give up on your marriage so readily. Read good books, see a counselor. Be open and honest in how you both have been hurt and what you need in the relationship. I always think it is interesting that people will be honest with other people but not with the person who needs to change.

Trust things go well for you.

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E
5 years ago #3
Emotionally confused
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I really appreciate your time and reply. I want to share more. In the beginning when I met this other guy, I was already having on and off fights with my husband. I never thought I would cheat him and fall in love with some guy younger to me. This guy was my friend, however I never had any feelings for me. I always felt neglected by my husband. He got home tired and preferred watching cartoon on tv than talking to me. I longed for his attention. I had more time on hand as did a part time job. Full time job was something which my husband didn't like me to do. Over the period of years I had so much negative thoughts filled in me that I started seeing my husband as a selfish man. I know he is not bad by heart but he always took me for granted and i ended up getting all the attention and love from the other guy.

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JO46 avatar
5 years ago #4
JO46
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Emotionally confused, Do you talk openly and plainly to him? Sometimes women will not be direct in what they need and how serious the situation is. They expect their husband to understand them.

I knew a couple. She said to him once, if you don't watch it you're going to be sleeping alone. He didn't realize how serious it was. A few years later she said she wanted a divorce. I counseled him and he said he had no idea what was bothering her. He worked hard to repair the marriage but it was too late. She had given up. Had she been upfront with him he may have known the trouble his marriage was in and they could have done something about it.

Men are black and white. They don't read anything into what you are saying. They assume you mean exactly what you say. Women can read more meaning into something. Be open with him.

I didn't read this book but I know of a couple who were struggling with communication in marriage and they absolutely loved it. Neither were readers but when they got into it they couldn't put it down. He actually read it first and had to talk his wife into reading it. She loved it too. It's called:

"He Said. She Said.: Eight Powerful Phrases That Will Strengthen Your Marriage" By Jay & Laura Laffoon. They run seminars called "Celebrate Marriage."

Hope things work out with you.

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E
5 years ago #5
Emotionally confused
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Thank you Jo. I am going to the library tomorrow and will look for the book.

You have no idea how much your suggestions/advice is already helping me. Thank you very much.

This is helping me to just talk out my mind and tell all that I have done so far. Everyday it bothers me thinking should I leave this marriage or should I not. I have even lost the feelings of guilt. I convince myself saying I strayed out of my marriage because of my husband, and that he always took me for granted. I had warned him he would lose me and he took me for granted. However I realize that cheating can never be justified. What I have done is wrong!

You are right men are black and white and I should put in more efforts and talk out than assuming he would understand.

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JO46 avatar
5 years ago #6
JO46
Platinum Member
Blogs: 1
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My wife and I were listening to some pod-casts a couple of weeks ago that dealt with the issue of the way men and women communicate differently. One was on how the brains of men and women are different. These podcasts are free and are from Focus on The Family. When you find "Focus on the Family" site, look for their podcasts on family. They were aired this year. They are free. They have a lot of good advice for marriage, communication and problem solving.

Hope you find some good help there.
Best to you.

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crisace avatar
5 years ago #7
crisace
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First of all, you don't cheat first and then tell your husband...You need to break it up first with your husband and then move on with your life...Otherwise, you are hurting him...Do you feel ok with that? Now it's too late, you have already hurt him with the action behind his back and then with the truth, but at the same time it's a good thing that you had the guts to tell him. Now, if he is low on dignity and decides to keep you regardless of the betrayal, I don't think that's a healthy thing to do, unless he is completely powerless and low on self esteem. If he is a good man, he definitely deserves a loyal person by their side! I'd say he needs to accept that you're no good for him. Maybe somebody else needs to talk to him and convince him about it. You obviously won't give him another chance because you have mentioned that you "love" this other person...So, I wouldn't recommend saving your marriage at this point...Betrayal is a good reason for breaking a marriage. It's like a glass, once it breaks...even if you put it back together, you can still see the cracks.

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Rsaxton53 avatar
4 years ago #8
Rsaxton53
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I am in this EXACT SAME situation right now. I have been with my guy for 4 years, and married for 10 with no passion....

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k
3 years ago #9
kashak
Guest

you are a sex addicted when u got old u will miss true love... and u want a sex with new new people thats problm. i am also bore from my wife i am looking for new one hahahahah

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T
1 year ago #10
Thenerveofsomepeop le
Guest

What an **** you are, you have the nerve to even click those word's in public? I would love to see you say "exactly" those word's you just boasted about directly to your spouse & "face-to-face"! Your wrong! You deserve love, you don't do any one dirty like that. Just because you have no feelings! Why would you laughingly admit & on line your pathetic plan to destroy a person's world for sex because your bored?! If you get caught up...God help you, if she doesn't get you he will! Good luck Mr. hot pant's!

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