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This is quite a long story, sorry but I need help and/or guidance.

At the moment I’m really struggling. I broke up with my girlfriend over two months ago and since then i haven’t been able to go to sleep or wake up without thinking about her, and it’s so painful. I go through the day with her name running through my head.

So just over a year ago we started seeing each other, i met her on twitter and obviously did’t intend to fall for her. She was a year older than me. We started as close friends, talking every day and not long after this we gave each other our numbers. Soon we were texting each other all day, every day. We’re both girls, and at this point I thought i was straight so never expected anything to come of it. But every time i thought about her id get butterflies. And when she admitted she had feelings for me I got confused because i felt exactly the same way. She’s the reason I realised i was bi. It was so scary at first but she was always there for me (she had known she was bi for like a year already).

Our relationship was amazing, we fell hard for each other and being in love with her is the best feeling ive ever had. Nothing mattered to me except her, and she felt the same. The only problem was that we lived 2 hours away from each other. We kept our relationship going for 9 months, and although this may not seem like long you have to bear in mind that we only saw each other like every 2 months for a few days. We were perfect for each other, we had effectively fallen for our best friend. But she had always been the one in the relationship to text first and and ring me. I was more laid back and wouldnt text as often. In a way she was probably more into me than i was into her...

I never thought she would be the one to break up with me. I always thought she would be there to love me, but when it came to the point where she was about to leave school and go to university, she became distant with me. It was like this for a couple of weeks and it upset me a lot, i tried talking to her about it but she just said it was a phase and that it would change when the holidays ended. The idea that she was thinking about ending it never crossed my mind because we had said so many things to each other and made plans together. We had spoken about getting a place and living together, she had told me she would never leave me, that i meant too much to her, that we would always be together. The first time a breakup came into my mind was when she suggested that the next time we saw each other would probably be the last. I was devastated. She told me this over facebook messenger and i felt so f*cked over. It was the most indirect and cowardly way of saying ‘its over’. The next day we talked on the phone and i begged that she didnt break up with me, she told me that the distance when she went to uni would be too great (it would take over 3 hours to get there), but i said i would do literally anything to stay with her, id visit every weekend if i had to. She wouldnt have any of it. She said she didnt want to be in a relationship for this new part of her life. We ended the conversation not knowing if we were still together. For the next few days i had no idea where I stood. She hadn’t broken up with me and kept me hanging until she finally ended it over text. All this time though, she still told me that she loved me.

The next time i saw her in person, we spoke more about it. I said that we had made it so far in a long distance relationship, why end it now? If you love me like you say you do then the distance wouldn’t matter. The distance never had mattered to us. The only thing that had mattered was each other. The truth is that you never would solely break up with someone because of distance. If you really cared about them you’d make it work. So what i think is that she just wanted to end it so that she could go to uni and f*ck around with other guys/girls. There is no other explanation. And this turned out to be what happened.

I haven’t told her that i love her since the breakup as i see this as desperate and would only make me feel rubbish. She told me she loved me up to 2 weeks after we broke up, but that we should stay friends. I want to stay in her life more than anything, so i was okay to settle with this. However, once going to uni she made no effort to stay friends whatsoever. It’s funny how someone can go from being the most important person in your life, talking to them every single day for a year, to meaning so little to you. I was heartbroken. All i wanted was to be in her life. I told her i needed some time to myself, so didnt talk to her for 2 weeks. She told me once again that she loved me, but i didnt respond.

I saw other people to try and move on, a fair few guys. Not talking to her made me feel better but i still thought about her every day. When we started speaking again i was polite and cheerful, but she acted like she hated me. I didnt really know what id done. Maybe it was the no contact? Or not telling her i loved her in such a long time? I dont know. She made even less effort than before and later i found out why. This frustrated me as she was acting like we had never had anything special together and wasnt paying any attention to me (contrast to before when she would always text me more than i texted her). I finally snapped and told her that she had really changed as a person (which was true). This upset her and was the last time we spoke, it was the first time id lost my patience with her since the breakup as i didnt want to push her away. This was over a month ago.

Now i find out she’s seeing some girl up in Scotland. IN SCOTLAND. To clarify, it would take them like most of a day to see each other. She ended what we have because of ‘distance’, and now shes seeing someone triple the distance away that i am from her. The worst thing about it is that shes broadcasting this on twitter. I see her tweets by accident (which does not help as i have avoided checking her twitter or facebook in over a month), and when i stumbled across her new relationship my heart broke all over again. Second best hurts... especially since twitter was how we met and that she didnt want to be in a relationship during uni. If she is going to do this, the least she could do is not rub it in my face because frankly i dont want to know who she’s now f*cking.

I have a boyfriend now. I dont know what to do. I clearly still love my ex because shes all i ever think about and im constantly hurting. The main reason i got into a relationship was to move on, but also in a way to make her jealous (this is a horrible thing i know). I want to move on so badly because i love my ex but hate her at the same time for how shes treated me. Everything she ever told me turned out to be bullsh*t. She said she’d never leave me. That i was the most important thing in her life. That without me she’d die. She said the worst thing would not to have me in her life, yet shes cut me completely out of it. And replaced me.

Sorry again for the long post, i just really need help. I want two things, either advice on how to get her back, or advice on how to move on. I know she isn’t good for me, and shes shown that, but love is unconditional and i cant help the way i feel. Its been over two months and every minute of every day i think about her and it hurts my heart. Even with my boyfriend (who does make things better btw, but i cant help that im in love with someone else). Its not fair on him. Ive been trying to move on since the breakup because im a positive person and dont tend to get hung up on people who arent interested. But no matter what i do (keep myself busy, ignoring her facebook and twitter, seeing other people), i just cant move on. The last thing she told me when we saw each other was that she loved me. Im so confused. I dont know what i want and i dont know what she wants.

Please help.

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a
.

3 Comments:

  • gummybears: Love is unconditional...sure... I’ll go with that. It goes two ways in a relationship though. You give, she gives kinda thing. And to me it looks like you two are on a different life path, and needed one another for only a short time.
    Time for you to move on.
    How do you move on? Say goodbye. Let her go do her thing. You need to say goodbye to her.
    This will be accompanied by anger frustration, denial, (your are here already) and dealmaking. Then you’ll get depressed, then will truly let her go, then you’ll live life in bliss.
    Easy peasy lemon squeezy
    Love doesn’t mean that you gotta be glued to one another forever even if you don’t like one another anymore! Lol! You can keep in there somewhere in your heart saying thanks to her, you know yourself better, that she gave you a gift few people can give. She opened a window in your soul. But she is off to open other windows for other souls. Let her go do that. She did a wonderful job with you, let someone else have a chance.
    You are already in the process of letting her go. You deny that its over, you are angry at her and yourself. You have also did some mental dealmaking. You ate on your way, you just need get the rest out and truly say goodbye.
    :)
    And as to your boyfriend... He’ll be just fine.
  • bitemegaga: Thanks for your advice, I have taken a lot of it onboard. I’ve told my ex I no longer want her in my life and that we both have to move on after she texted me during another month of no contact. She agreed and this was a month ago. I haven’t initiated any contact with her in like 3 months... I thought this would help and it has to a point, but it still hurts. I’m proud that I’ve been able to maintain my dignity throughout this whole situation, even though it’s been tearing me up inside.
    I agree with your saying for her to open windows for other people. I want what’s best for her but that doesn’t help the pain I go through every day. The thought of her kissing someone else kills me inside :( I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I could move on because I hate her. But I can’t. I can’t move on.
    I’ve tried so hard by seeing guys and having no contact, I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago because I couldn’t get my ex out of my head. There are about a dozen people who would do anything for me to be their girl, but that means nothing if they aren’t the person I want. There are so many who want me so badly, but why can’t she feel that way?? :’( guys want me but they aren’t the ones I want. I only want one person... and that’s her. And it breaks my heart.
  • bitemegaga: Knowing I’m not worth the distance is a horrible feeling...

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