I Need Advice... Please! I Cheated On My Boyfriend And I Want Him Back..I’m So Sorry :(

My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I have the perfect relationship. We are best friends and love each other more than anything. We do not fight and we get along very well. But, 4 months ago i cheated on him with an old ex. We didnt actually have sex, he tried to pressure me into it but i left before anything serious happened. Basically we naked and making out. I planned on keeping this a secret from him because as soon as it happened i knew instantly that it was a mistake and hooking up with my ex boyfriend only made my feelings for my boyfriend stronger. it just proved to me that he is the only one for me and that i dont want anyone else. Last night I decided to tell him. and needless to say he did not take it very well at all. he left my house calmer than i expected but that actually just made it worse because i could see how hurt he was. i’ve talked to him on the phone since then but all our “conversations” really are is just me begging for him back and crying pathetically. Earlier on in our relationship there were trust issues because of me sending nude pictures to other guys, so unfortunately this is not my first offense. I appologized for my previous wrong doings and we were able to move past it. But, I’m worried that this is the last straw with him and that he will not be able to forgive me this time around. i have told him time and time again how sorry i am and how i will do ANYTHING to get him back and rebuild his trust and our relationship. But, everytime i ask him if he thinks he will be able to he tells me flat out no and that there is absolutely no chance of us getting back together. although, he says he forgives me for what i’ve done he says he just doesn’t want to try to work things out between us. we were so close it’s so hard for me to give him the space that he needs. i know he’s just really angry and im hoping that its just the anger talking.

I really need some advice and some opinions on whether or not you think he’ll take me back.

thanks.

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.

29 Comments:

  • gummybears: Once a.cheater always a cheater? Is this statement true? I’m a.guy, I’ve been cheated on. Didn’t like it and moved on from that person.
    I know now that when someone looks outside the relationship for...whatever is supposed to be found in the relationship....the relationship is messed up. And usually its both people at fault. Not just the cheater.
    I know you said you hooked up with the old ex. You still had to figure out your feelings for him.... How do you know its done? How do you know you won’t look outside the relationship again?
    You kinda don’t know until you are put in the same situation again, and there are no guarantees you can offer your guy.... Begging and pleading really isn’t fixing anything other than you showing that you are feeling bad about what you did. How can you show this guy that it won’t happen again.? Really that’s the question.... And only you can answer that.
    Ok, he’s hurt. So he’s hating your guts tight now. Anything you say is being used against you. Give him some time to settle down.
    You: you are going through crazy emotions too. You need to back off for a.bit, because you are only digging your hole a little deeper by pleading and begging. One good solid sincere apology is good. Then, you dig in and figure out what drove you to cheat. Was it lack of communication?
    I mean, if the relationship with the bf was perfect, couldn’t you tell him that you still had feelings for the ex? Couldn’t you tell him that you felt like.cheating? I mean in a perfect relationship, you should be able to discuss this stuff without fear of being tossed or judged.
    If the bf Really loves you, he will listen once his anger has subsided. It may take a week or two, but really..... If he does really love you then his ears will be open. If he’s not ready to listen, I say move on from this. The relationship.will again reach a.point where you will want to look outside of it again.
    I think I wrote too much.....
  • missing you: thank you for replying to my post...it’s nice to talk with someone who doesn’t know me so that you can give me honest advice. the reason i never told my boyfriend is because i knew that my feelings for my ex were completely gone and cheating on him honestly only made me love him more. it’s been a few days and between then we have talked civilly with less anger and crazy emotions. he says that he wants to work things out with me and that he still loves me. he mentioned something similar to what you posted in your comment, he told me that i have to prove that i can be committed and have discipline so that when the situation does happen again i will be able to resist. I have close to no will power and in the past have signed up for things and and quit and he knows that i give in to things too easily. recently, the major issue in my life has been to start a healthy diet and exercise regularly (i am not fat i just am trying to be healthier) and have not been able to stick with it for longer than a week. he knows this and told me that if i can stick with an exercise routine for a while that will show him that i can also make a commitment to him as well. while they are totally different things, i see where he is coming from and i’m willing to give it a try. he just says that he doesn’t want to rush back into things and that he needs time to clear his head. since he wants this to be a break he doesnt want to call or text me everyday like we usually do but i , on the other hand, dont want yo loose contact with him for weeks or months and then make things awkward so we have decided to talk every wednesday night for as long as we want to. I want to give him as much time and space as he needs but it’s so hard for me not to call him (this is where the will power comes into play). i just dont know how long this break will last or if i can do it.
  • gummybears: At Well, will power never sustains change. So don’t beat yourself up about that. You are looking to make lifestyle improvements.... Has little to do with will power. The only way I can see you changing the cheating is to be vocal about it with him. That is, if he’s willing to listen and communicate that stuff with you.
    You may feel that you the cheating has solidified your love for.your boyfriend, and that’s good. You also won’t know exactly what will happen when you are faced with a similar.situation. being able to go to someone other than yourself to talk to about those feelings that happen. (kinda like you did here)

    That’s something.that takes very little will power and is also a positive lifestyle change that will strengthen your relationship, but also will help you feel better about.yourself.
  • missing you: that makes sense, i just don’t know what’s best for us right now... i want him back as soon as i can have him but idk what he wants :(
  • gummybears: You don’t need to know what he wants. The best way to go about this is for you to find out what you need to do about yourself. Solve that and everything falls into place.
    Don’t really do what’s best for "us" so much as do what is best for you right now. He’s already said that he’s kind of looking and waiting for you to do something.... And it is for you to take care of and fix you.
    You seem pretty smart, and that you are prety aware of your own emotions and how you are feeling in certain situations. I can see a little that you sway towards a little more about how you feel moreso than what logical. You would be looking for a.balance between the two.
    Reading books and or watching some YouTube goes a long way in situations like these. Look up Dr Helen Fisher for some understand of people and why they do what they do while feeling the feelings of love. She also has a thing on cheaters and what happens in their physiology.Yeah.... I suggest watching her stuff first. Then I would get into some self awareness things.... Look up cognitive behavioral therapy.
    You mentioned will power before and CBT will show you why it doesn’t work.
    :). All of this is for you to understand you so you can figure out your own way to sol e the puzzle that is you. You say you can’t stick to something for very long.... Neither can i, and I make it work for me instead of beating myself up about not being able to stick to something for forever. Lol! A little shift in perspective and the journey gets a bit more easy and fun.
  • missing you: Thank you so much for all of your advice...i’ve posted on other sites looking for support but all i got was horrible and judgemental feedback, so thank you for helping me instead of telling me something that i already know.
  • gummybears: You are welcome.
  • hercules12345: I believe as soon as the words cheating are mentioned red flags pop up everywhere. Sometimes being too honest and open about your sexual activities or past just affect some men really bad, both emotionally and psychologically. It would of been better not to say anything because in all likely hood your boy friend would never of found out anyways unless you know different or better. Sending nude photos to who ever is another red flag for some men. I am not going to condemn you for doing that. But again I believe things would be a lot tighter between you two if you had kept quiet especially if he would never find out. You have a fragile trust between the two of you. I hope you can mend it. Good-luck.
  • rob: Well first off I would like to know why u would send those type of pics to someone else
  • tello101: I’m jus going to gone head and tell u now that I kno how he feeling and it already took him all he had to forgive u the frist time and idk bout this second because there was probaly always a doubt in his mind it would happen again and it did now he probaly hurting bad only thing I can say is give him his space all he needs and if u truly love him you’ll will wait but work on trying to better yourself while ur waiting but it Guna tak him sometime because I been going thur same sisutàtion with my ex rite now and this last time was the last straw like I really don’t love her or care about her no more because of what she did because she didn’t care bout how I feel or my feelings but jus stay strong and don’t try to hard but still show him u can change but do it for urself! And prove to yourself that u can change only time will tell
  • FML2107: I am pretty much in the same boat as you it is a horrible feeling except mine happened with the same person more then once and I lied about it to my fianc for 6 years and now he is the exact same way he hates me I broke his heart. I feel like no one really has advise for this I hope that someone has some kind of help we do love him and are very sorry. I hope things work out for you hopefully someone writes something that will help us both I feel like I lost my best friend and my soulmate and on top of the my sons dad my family :/
  • B...: I think you should give him some time. Be his friend first and see how it goes. But while being friends stay faithful as if you were in the relationship. He needs to no that this is never going to happen again.
  • Wanda: No he will not cause it happen to me ex and I was in relationship 7yrs and I cheated cause he use to slap me and I start talking to my friend and it went from there but my ex playing games heddoing me like I did him . And ur man have some one but not telling u cause he was cheating on me a yr with this girl so to answer ur question moveon u just hurtling ur self I just start making my self happy cause no matter what a man going to do what they want . They can get a woman faster to try to forget about u but us as women we can’t cause we still love them and it take us longer to hill. So do something with ur life some time god move people out our life to bring some body better and the next guy u get u will treat them better then the first one cause we learn from our mistake make us a better person.
  • Wanda: He not coming back been there mens move on with someone else to get over u but they still have feeling for u and maybe want to be ur friend later . So move on my thing is don’t begg no men cause that’s what they want cause they feel like they got u and u will do what ever cause u want him. Ever throw it hurt show him don’t call or talk to him. I had to be strong for my self why should u care and worry ur self they not.so make ur self happy get out to keep ur mind off of him.
  • Bob7777: I don’t know how anybody can cheat, I really don’t. If somebody hurts you then end the relationship it is that simple but don’t cheat. My girlfriend cheated on me more than once, it has brought pain like no other on me. For you cheaters beg for forgiveness to God and your now ex. Then tell that person you will change and still love them and will FIGHT for them that you will die for them.
    Then do whatever you can to make yourself a better person. Start volunteering at shelters, start giving to people, give that person space and pray they return. Don’t have sex with anyone or date anyone new. Prove your love. Actions, actions not words. If my ex did this I would forgive in time if I knew she truly loved me, if I knew she would really sacrifice anything for me I would forgive and forget and drop it forever.
    From what I’ve seen though people that cheat seem to have mental issues and can’t change. I wish it were different, just going by what I’ve seen. Some people are always trying to upgrade boyfriend or girlfriend, makes me sick. How can cheaters live with themselves?
  • Chris: Listen, if this guy has an ounce of self respect then it’s over...forever. Learn from your disgusting mistakes and try to be a less selfish person in the future. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but cheaters need to hear this. It’s not all about you. Repeat that to yourself a few times until it sinks in.
  • Paul: You don’t deserve to be with him. You will only do it again! Once someone cheats on someone, they have no respect in them. Leave the poor guy alone!
    "Once a cheater, always a cheater"
    "you can’t turn a ***** into a housewife"
  • kara: Its a hard thing to be with someone you love and them cheat on you. You have to understand how mentally hurt he must be.... He loved you and you destroyed the trust you had together not once but a few times! Honestly you must know in your head you truly don’t love this man! Because how happy must you be if you have wanted other men during your relationship with him and acted out on those wantings. You know in your mind you do not want him and I’m safe to say he does not want you either. Take this time to heal and find someone who makes you TRULY happy because you know this man honestly didnt and you are just lonely and that’s the only reason why you want him back. Good luck!
  • Fml: It’s been almost a year since my ex left me and moved out. I waited for months and months while he went and talked to all these girls but it hurt me to much I started talking to someone else. He has harassed me I’ve been to the point where I have just been so depressed and stressed I couldn’t even function he caused me to lose my job my home take me to court trying to take my son. He talks to me like I mean nothing he makes it sound like the worst thing on earth to have to give me money to help with our son so he hasn’t unless it’s a long stressful fight. He now has this super younger girl friend that is barley legal to drink and doing family **** with my son and makes me like km the worst person on earth trying to take everything from me down to my vehicle that I pay for but it’s in both our names. I hate my life I hate how bad it’s gotten 10 years and this is what we become the worst year of my life I want to give up but try to be strong for my son. The worst I can’t stand stand not having my family I miss my family life and my best friend literally. It’s sad.
  • noname: I was with my boyfriend for a month and a half. i was stupid and talked to another guy for a week and my boyfriend flipped out and broke up with me i know that counts as cheating and i feel so bad i want him back like crazy and i dont even know why i decided to do this i love him with all my heart but he hates me now..... Help?
  • Srrynotsrry: Honestly you need to respect his wishes
    You don’t deserve him, if you truly loved him you wouldn’t have done any of that **** to him
    You an immature girl who took advantage of her faithful boyfriend
    You don’t deserve him
  • Dean7777: I wonder how my ex is doing? It’s been 5 or 6 weeks since she last reached out I’ve been ignoring her for 6 months now. Do you think she will try again with me?
  • moseleyboy1: Im in agreement with most others here so i will keep it short as i know you feel bad enough as it is but, If things were sooo great between you two then why in the world would you put yourself in a situation like that with an ex and risk loosing your current boyfriend? Makes no sense.Just because you came clean and told him does not make it ok. You most certainly need to leave him alone and let him heal his broken heart because you know thats exactly what you’ve done here, and you have betrayed his trust....i would not take you back if i were him,trust is everything in a relationship and infidelity is a deal breaker for me. Im sorry but the best thing he can do now is move on without you and find someone who will be faithful to him.If you are lucky he will heal and maybe decide in time to give you another chance but i would not hold my breath. You really don’t deserve it.
  • Kel: Missing you,
    Hi, first off, admitting you did something wrong is a good first step. I am actually in the same situation as you. I was with my boyfriend for over 6 years and because our sex drives didn’t link up, I ended up cheating on him and admitted it in order to get distance from the relationship. As soon as we broke up I was mortified and called him, texted him, wrote him an apology letter, and asked him many times to take me back.
    Unfortunately, we can’t make people forgive us or take us back. We betrayed their trust and that’s one thing that a healthy relationship must have. I see that you and your boyfriend have a lot of love for one another but sometimes it’s not enough. When someone feels betrayed it’s very hard to rebuild that trust all over again. It’s like breaking a glass and trying to put it all back together again. It’s messy, and will never be the same. My advice to you would be to seek out a therapist and get to the real root issue as to why you cheated. Maybe something in your relationship was missing? Maybe you’re not happy with yourself? Maybe it’s best to be alone and single until you are ready to fully commit? Talking to a therapist is a really constructive way to help you improve your relationship and improve yourself.
    What I have learned from this similar experience is to try to be happy with myself first. If you are not happy with yourself you will find yourself in these type of bad decision-making situations often. Try writing him an apology letter and go to counseling. Maybe he will see that you are trying to make an honest effort to change and be willing to work it out with you. Ultimately, it is his decision if he wants to reconcile. There’s only so much you can do and sometimes there’s nothing you can do. Give him space and time to think about everything. This will give you both a lot of clarity. I know after this experience that I will never cheat on someone again. Going outside of the relationship is the worst thing anyone can do. We all make mistakes but learning from them is the hardest most painful part. Good luck and keep your head high!
  • ALF: You, my dear, have all the intelligence of a bag of hammers. You broke the trust once by sending butt nekkid photos to other guys, now you’ve shattered it by getting butt nekkid with another dude and making out. You need to go into your kitchen, take a clean fork out of the drawer, and stick it in your relationship. It’s done.
  • no sympathy: why is it when the woman cheats its a mistake, but with us guys we get painted as evil callous **** . face it you are an unfaithful untrustworthy ***** .glad he found out before you could cost him even more .
  • herbert: Hi. You are a flirt and I think you need to be alone and work out your insecurities.
  • thatcoolguy: ive been cheated on twice in my life, both times have left their marks BUT if one of them wanted to come back first thing i would do is try to hang out with him. something casual like watching a movie or something. then dress up to impress and show him how serious you are about being with him. if the spark is still there it wont be long before it comes out again. then take it from there. it was done to me once and worked like a charm (until she burned me again) but if your serious he will be able to tell.
  • TheBestAdvice: This was posted many years ago, so the OP has probably resolved this problem one way or another years ago. People continue to read this thread and post in it because this type of problem happens to a lot of relationships.
    The first problem here is that the OP didn’t really seem too sorry about what she had done. She was sorry that she had to face consequences for what she had done. I didn’t see anything in her post that showed she had grown from her experience and that she was really prepared to change her behavior. The concern in the post seemed to me to be much more focused on her pain and her loss than on his pain and loss.
    The OP tried to distinguish what she had done from having actually having sex with her ex. She said "I left before anything serious happened." I think that shows her fundamental lack of insight into what she did. If you’re in a relationship and you get naked with someone else and make out with them, how much more serious can you get?
    Her lack of insight suggests that she has learned the wrong lesson here, and that she is at high risk of repeating this behavior in future relationships.
    And here’s another relationship tip based on this thread and hundreds of threads I’ve read here. You should generally be honest in your relationships. That doesn’t mean that you have to tell your partner every thought in your head, but just try to be honest with your partner.
    On the other hand, if you are going to LIE to your partner, you should plan on sticking with the LIE. I’ve read hundreds of threads on here where a partner was unfaithful and didn’t tell their partner about it. Months later they feel guilty and decide to confess the truth to their partner. Now your partner knows that you were unfaithful and that you covered it up. How could you possibly expect them to get past that. So if you are going to LIE, do the mature thing and stick with the LIE. If you can’t live with the guilt, then just leave the relationship, but don’t inflict that harm on your partner. Confessing will make you feel better, but make them feel much worse. They don’t deserve to be treated that way.

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