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GhostOfMyFormerSelf's Blog

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This is a Long Read...

My girl and i were in a relationship for 10 years. High school sweethearts the whole nine yards, i took her virginity and i am the only man she has ever been with. About 6 months after we started dating i left for the military and i attempted to break it off, she refused and insisted that she would wait for me this made me feel so good all i wanted to do was work hard to be the best man i could be for her, well we also made an agreement that there would be no partying and such as this could cause me some mental troubles while i was in training. Low and behold i receive a letter in the mail stating that she had been to a house party the weekend prior and had a great time, all good and well for her but for me this instantly broke the trust i had in her when i left though i did not believe for a moment that she had cheated on me (it was always in the back of my mind though, nagging me constantly).

From that point forward i believed that all the nasty things my father used to say about women because of his failed marriage to my mother were actually true add to that i had been cheated on by a particular female (with a guy that has my same name) that i was deeply in love with when i was a freshman in a different high school from the one where i met my girl and had harbored a lot of hate for relationships up until i met her (hit it and quit it type) so its easy to see how i could feel like i had been wronged. Life goes on training finishes and i’m on a regular duty station and we are maintaining a long distance relationship throughout my service, though i will admit at times it was extremely bumpy having to love someone you miss so much through a telephone from a thousand miles away, i began to have drinking problems (had to do AA) due to several factors (family issues, depression, stress fatigue) and i fell into a situation where i found comfort in another woman, i tried breaking it off once more as i knew i was traveling down a bad path, once again she refused and with enough time i had succumb to my weaknesses, i was so ashamed i hid the truth for many years out of fear of losing her, well she gave me the opportunity to confess my sins and be absolved as she suspected it all along, so i confessed...she was angry with me which is understandable as no one likes being betrayed especially by someone you have had such a connection with for so long, but with time things got better (she would and still does remind me of the other woman) we were happy for some time before we made the decision to move in together and live under one roof as a family with our 2 beautiful children.

Life continues on and a year passes before we started having problems in a major way, not only did i lose my job i was having serious issues finding another one and before long we were both out of work and really feeling the downturn in the job market and economy and this created a lot of hostility (in regards to finances) between the two of us. Previous to my military training it would take a lot to make me angry but when i would get there oh boy watch out, it was like the running of the bulls and no one was safe, i believe the military training took that and amplified it to the tenth power and made me an instant rage-o-holic 0-120 in naught point 0 and i was comfortable with that and actually enjoyed being intimidating and overly aggressive for some reason...it felt normal to me. As the next year passed we encountered more and more static in our relationship as i had become overly cold, heartless, and careless add to that the depression from not being able to work and her trying to get away from our problems by getting out as much as she could and leaving me feeling essentially abandoned things started to take a turn for the worse. Previous to that stint of living together we had gotten into an argument one night (cannot remember about what) she said something negative about my father who had recently passed away and i reached out and slapped her mouth (i still remember the look on her face and it kills me every time i see it in my head) at the time i felt she was deserving of the punishment as she knew the connection i had with my father and how bad i was hurting when he passed, this was only the beginning.

As time rolled on and we continued living together the fighting slowly got worse and eventually it got to a point where we were on each other almost everyday for quite awhile, eventually things calmed a bit and it felt like we were getting over the problems, so we decided we both need to have days to ourselves so we started going out independently of each other instead of with each other as i had issues with jealousy and add to that the fact that i would rage out and want to stomp a mud hole in someones face if another man even looked at her crooked much less tried to approach or talk to her this created a problem for us to be together in a public setting. After a while we were constantly accusing each other of cheating (mainly me) as she had fallen into this pattern of lying about everything she was doing and this (yep you guessed it) pissed me the **** off beyond the limits of coping. She would lie to me about any little thing even the smallest dumb things that there was no reason to lie about (she was afraid of me). This obviously amplified the trust issues between the two of us given my previous infidelity, even though she had forgiven me she would not allow me to live it down so in turn due to the lying i started being suspicious of her activities as she was spending more and more time away from home day by day, she would regularly go out with her friends and i would stay home and watch the kids hoping that maybe letting her get out would help us out some, well as you can imagine we had problems there too and it started with her lies, i would ask her for simple information any respectable woman would give to her man the Where, What, Who, and What time are you coming home bit. She lied to me consistently about all of the above and it was always one excuse after another about this person not being available so she wound up here or there with completely different people than she said she was going with or she said she would be home by 1 a.m. and wouldn’t come home til 5 a.m. and she basically left me sitting in the house wondering where the **** she was (she would ignore my calls and texts even if it was only a single phone call or a single text to find out where the hell she was at) and given the fact i cheated on her the only thing i could think about was who she was ****. After the first couple times it was only huge arguments me locking her out of the house etc. etc. and then we graduated to physical fights (tho she tried to fight back it was mostly me beating on her) it would happen once then a month or two would go by and it would happen again and it just got worse and worse and more frequent with each incident.

I am ashamed of the things i have done and i regret every moment of it, as there were better ways to handle it but my state of mind at the time was “**** it she does not respect me why the **** should i respect her” this continued on for a period of maybe 6 months before it all came to a head and that final fight happened where she had finally had enough and so had i we got into it i beat her **** she ran to her parents and they called the cops, i wound up in jail for domestic violence and rightfully so as i deserved every bit of it for being such a heartless stone cold ****. Even after all the **** things i had done to her she allowed me to return to the apartment we shared because i had nowhere else to go and one night it almost cost her dearly we fought again and it was bad, i snapped so hard i choked the living **** out of her and i would not let go until i heard her gurgling fading breath and i snapped out of it, i sat in a corner of the kitchen in the dark crying because i did not know what the **** was wrong with me or who i even was anymore and how i could do such a thing to the person i loved so much, you might say i did not actually love or care for her in any way shape or form because if i did then i would never have done those things but i swear on the lives of my children that if anyone harmed a hair on her head i would tear them to shreds and eat their soul .

That night we sat at the dining room table exhausted and raped of all emotion just the two of us staring at the walls, she kept fiddling around on her phone and this annoyed me so much i had to know what she was texting about, and apparently she was supposed to attend a family function that day way earlier in the day that she did not make it to and her family was understandably worried about her given the current situation mind you this was through no fault of my own she just did not attend for whatever reason and at the time i was glad to have her out of the house and away from me as much as possible, i knew they were talking **** about me and my rage mechanism would not let it go i insisted on seeing what they were saying about me so i asked her for the phone she refused so i asked again once again she refused, so i snatched the phone out of her hand and proceeded to scroll through the text messages, she decided it was time to leave and i did not try to stop her this time, eventually i came across a few texts between her and a former co-worker who she was good friends with, i knew about their friendship and i honestly had no qualms with it because i had met the guy and he was a decent respectable dude who i hung out with on more than one occasion, the problem lay in the fact that she was attempting to set up a dinner date with him unbeknownst to me at the time (she was hiding it from me) it was in regards to the girl he was dating breaking up with him (my girl had introduced the two as the girl was one of her long time friends) and he was just looking for someone to talk to which i was perfectly ok with except for the fact that she was hiding it from me, which was just confirming what my delusional mind had suspected all along, she was cheating on me (with good reason).

It came to pass that my fears were false and i was just losing my **** mind but the fact that she would lie to me consistently to hide things from me even the smallest little **** problems only made things worse in the end. So here we are it has been 8 months since she left we are both still reeling from the deception and pain that we have inflicted on each other...but there is light at the end of the tunnel...as of the last 2 weeks i have started taking anger management classes and soon i will receive a therapist to assist me in learning to better control not only my emotions but also my actions, i am fully committed to conquering whatever my problems may be as much as she is committed to correcting her faults as well, we talk almost everyday, sometimes for hours (mainly over face book) and we have maintained a certain level of intimacy during this pseudo separation, we both agree that we do truly love each other and we do truly want to be together but we are both so **** up in the head we are going to have to take it easy and go slow, and start from square one...just a few hours prior to this writing we were talking over face book about her next promo showcase for a new band (she does club promotions for entertainers as a side gig) i asked her if i could attend because i want to make an effort to be there for her and support her in everything she does (i have always wanted to but our problems and my emotions always got in the **** way) she agreed and is excited to have me there and she has also stated she wants to meet my doctors and help me through my process as well which makes me cry because shes still there for me even after all the **** i have put her through, thick and thin she was always there for me and its killing me inside. I am a terrible person for the things i have done and i swear as you all as my witnesses i will fix myself and give her everything she rightfully deserves.

The only hang up i am having is that she seems to insist on me being ok and accepting of the possibility that she might sleep with someone else during this time whether it be a mistake on her part (being drunk and partying) or even if she just decided to do it, the thing that kills me the most is she is trying to get me to see other women and i keep telling her i will not do it because i am ashamed of doing it the first time around why the **** would i do it again if all i want is her? am i wrong to think that if what we both want is the happy us back that we should not be doing those things but instead focusing our energy on working together to fix our problems and re-learning each other from the ground up? would i be wrong for never speaking to her again if she did do it? she insists that we are both single and we are just “friends” for now and it is ok for us to go out and experience other people but this bothers me beyond belief because when we are together sexually or even chatting through text i feel as though we are making progress one day at a time. She tells me every time we talk that she loves me and she just wants me to be the old me again, the happy fun loving guy that was full of life (pre-military me) yet she wants me to be ok with her sleeping around? i need help here and i need it in a bad way because i do not know how to deal with this situation, my brain says i love her and no matter what i would be with her but my heart cannot accept the possibility of the situation (am i being selfish?) and i do not know if it is the deep connection i have with her because of all the things we have been through or if it is just pure jealousy. I have nightmares about her sleeping with someone else and it makes me sick to my stomach when i think about it. She says that is not what she is out for but it seems as though she is trying to prepare me for the inevitable...PLEASE HELP.

P.S. You can call me every name in the book but she has already done that and it will not affect me i am here seeking help to deal with this issue and continue our healing process not to get flamed by heroes.

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a
.

One Comment:

  • gummybears: looks like you are headed in the right direction. just keep going that way.
    nobody can guarantee any outcomes. just do your best as you go through this. that’s the best kind of outcome for you, for her and the kids.

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