Losing The Only One I Ever Truly Loved...:-/ ***warning Very Long Story***

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i love this guy,I’ve loved him for over 12 years. i am 27 years old, he is 28 and we live together. we have a five month old daughter and i have two other kids by another prev relationship. anyway we have been having a horrible rocky time and I’m desperately wanting to mend our relationship. well our story starts in high school.

he pursued me and a mutual friend (now his best friend) introduced us. we didn’t start dating right off as i wasn’t fully committed to putting all my interest in him..anyway so during that time we became “besties” and talked about any and everything and even though i knew he liked me n i was attracted to him we kept it neutral. he started dating a girl and lost his virginity to her and i watched the guy i was uncertain about fall in love with a ***** and watched her break his heart.

so after a year or so we started getting closer and friends became more but we covered it up and we graduated to “bro n sis” status lol i dated alot of **** and he watched me go through things but we still managed to keep each other company whenever one desired the other...(we were doing too much) so senior year i fell into depression as home life was unstable. i didn’t contact him for that whole year as i just checked through my sisters on things he was up to..(coward move) so after that year he went to college on a football scholarship and i then went to an academy to get my diploma, met a guy we dated for a year and i got pregnant and he left me.

so one day as i strolled though the mall huge belly and all i hear a familiar voice calling me. it was him!!! i immediately was intrigued and we started back talking. i wasn’t with the father of my child and was still reserved as i didn’t want to get hurt. i was always a bit jealous of him so i knew it would be hard for me to be with him long distance and while he had “college life” so despite the fact he told me he wanted more out of us i just kept it simple and didnt get deep. (i regretted that in the long run as he told me he felt i was uninterested and he took it as rejection) but i felt the lifestyle he was going to face were times every man needs to experience before they decide to settle down.

so as time went by we kept in touch i would see him on weekends home or vacation time when he was off from school. and of course (as life goes on) i was involved in different relationships(he was too) all awhile putting him above anyone (quality wise) no one compared to him or made me feel as good as he did so i subconsciously put in in a higher place and kept him there as my little secret or splackavelli or whatever you wanna call it but he was untouchable and i knew at any time i wanted i could text call r whatever and he’d be there just as i was with him. anyway during one of our off times as i tried to make it work with a young fellow i cut him off and tried to stay focused on my involvement with the new guy i was with. he turned out to be psycho;(bi polar and refused to stay medicated) abusive, controlling and just down right horrid! but sadly it took me having a child with him to see what he was really about.

now as i type this i feel the need to say that i was a fool and becoming pregnant with a second child was not my intentions as he got me pregnant for his own selfish reasons. i used protection with him but as time went on(before i saw the monster he was truly) i stopped and he would purposely ***** in me or the condom always happened to “accidentally come off” anyway!!! i got pregnant and there i was with baby number two by a diff guy who i knew id NEVER be happy with till this day i have never had as bad experience as with him he almost ruined my life. ok so that’s where i was, so again me and my “special guy” meet and he tells me that he is now reserved bc i had another kid and he didn’t understand why i put up with all i had. but gods will isnt questionable so by no means did i feel anything happened for no reason.

so he says hes not sure if he could handle he situation etc etc all the while were still seeing each other and im knowing the reason why he wont settle is because he was too worried about what people would think (his family his friends) going from a athlete lifestyle to settling down with a woman with a ready made family. so as most women do i played my cards and just took whatever i could when i could as that was our way in the past with each other(mistake) ell as years past and we did our thing things got more complicated. i stopped being interested in relationships bc i felt i needed to concentrate on what mattered the most (my kids) but still in my heart i felt this man and knew somehow we would grow to be more..(ahhh couldn’t get him out my system) so i lived and let. so fwd the story to last year i was going through hard times.

i moved to a place and got acquainted with the wrong people and my life started spiraling out of control. i was again feeling insecure and down as everyone iknew was in some way or the next deceiving me. my friend tried to sleep w my dad (by the way she is the aunt of my son and also the sister of mr bi polar) and a girl who i got close with stole my rent money when i went to jail for a traffic ticket.. well obv it was more than one.and because of it i was facing eviction. but during those bad times “my special guy” was there everyday all day wiping away tears and bringing with him words of positivity and leaning on him helped alot. well because of his latching on and his all of a sudden change in habits i felt we were going somewhere despite the things he said he was once reserved about.

he was there everyday interacting with my kids and we were wonderful but everything wasn’t perfect because asi said before this was parallel to the times i was going through the motions. so...yea, but i was right about my feelings as he sat down and told me that he was exclusive with me and was trying to take us to another level. so as delighted as i was i embraced it. until dec 25 the morning he left my house i took a preg test as we had been ***** like bunnies and i stopped using protection with him(don’t judge me) and he had been inquiring if i was or not.and thats when i found out i was indeed pregnant.

i told him the news right away nervous and not knowing how he’d react as this would be his first child. his reaction was one i didn’t understand but later would. he got distant and i was so upset as this was a time that i felt ineeded him the most esp since i had no one to turn to bc everyone in my circle looked vicious to me. i had no circle. just myself, so i got angry and told him i felt hurt. when he touched back bases with me he told me he had been in houston w family to clear his head but would be there for me regardless of whether we were together or not but that we would still be exclusive and that he didn’t wanna rush. sigh.

so i went along not expecting much and was motivated to get me back together. and i did. so feb one weekend as i was supposed to move in my new place i asked for his help as i hired movers and wanted him to help me bc i was preg n all etc. so he gave me a half **** response but said he would but i was hormonal n went off bc i was wanting him to be more proactive in efforts of helping me out. so after that night i didn’t hear from him in two weeks and i was ****. felt he lied to me and was turning his back on me just bc i was angry at him for not helping.

so after nights of crying n feeling horrid he sends me a two pg letter telling me why he vanished. he started off by saying he was sooo sorry but the morn after we talked he got a call from a girl saying she was preg n it might b his bc she had a bf and she was messing w both of them at the same time so was giving him “heads up”. i literally read those words n collapsed to my knees as i wasn’t sure i could accept what was happening. i didn’t understand bc i though i was the only one and he told me that he was absent bc he felt horrible that his actions might cause a damper on our special moment.

with his sincere apology and gratification to what had happened i accepted his apology told him i forgave him but wanted to know everything as i felt he broke my trust and had been playing with me. the times i thought i was all his n he was all mine were again being shared and i was upset. but i knew he was there for me and mine so why couldn’t i do the same even though the child would have been a reminder of what happened, but you know his excuse (in later arguments) was we weren’t together despite the pix he painted previously. that started my insecurities with him.

i started questioning EVERYTHING how i was so foolish how didn’t i know i wasn’t the only one??? wtf. but i forgave him so i should have let it go. easier said than done, esp since i had so much junk in the trunk (emotional baggage lol) so i moved in my new place and he came completely around n moved in. we were great until i started ques(again) why he was w me why he wanted me i was pregnant and felt ugly and didn’t like how i felt about myself. (insecurities) so i started digging for what i suspected made more sense. started hating him leaving, was always wondering what he was doing on his phone (mytouch i gave him in place of his raggedy tmobile phone-wasn’t a smartphone just basic for basic needs) so as all do when excited about new things he started clinging to his phone always playing new app or texting buddies) i got suspicious but it didn’t take off until he put a password on his phone.

the bleep started n hasn’t stopped since. so first was the phone, then he was masturbating to personal ***** in the bathroom and lying about it (i like ***** too but not to replace him n not personal!)then he downloaded a sms pro app which held a secret compartment to hide texts u dnt want coming to the phn, i knew bc i had that app before on the same phn but never had to use it. so i started to dig and push him away if he wasn’t doing any cheating he was starting to say things like dam i might as well n then quickly say it was getting harder n harder for him to fight my insecurities etc etc. but im no fool i knew something was up. and was right bc i found his ***** collection (old videos of him w other girls) n knew that’s why he had been clinging to his phone using the bathroom so much just to go ***** to old punnani. i felt betrayed as i was already feeling unattractive n fat etc. so he told me he would become translucent and gave me access to everything in his phone. but he told me that although i had codes he wanted me to ask when i would want to see his phone.

the prob was every time i asked he would get upset n act like i was wrong for wanting to check when i did bc he felt he was doing everything to prove he was clean. it **** me off bc i felt he was bullsing. so i started snooping. n looked when i wanted. he caught me and got upset, when i told him i never found nothing since the ***** thing n was just checking without him knowing to avoid him getting upset. so after his best friend convinced him that he was being lame he took back all his translucent Ways and told me i either trusted him or not. so we tried to move on and we moved to a bigger place and i had our daughter a day later. now for some reason the girl who prev told him she was preg hadn’t contacted him and knowing she was a little but further than me wa curious to see if she had the baby. fb is a powerful tool. lol so i searched and found her and her prof pic was the baby n her n the baby had his ears and his nose looked like our daughters.

i got sad all over ain but held it together and read on her page. she stated that her and the daddy had a falling out and she had to move to austin to b w family since the dad n her weren’t getting along.but get this she named the baby a name he sugg to me if our baby was a boy so i immediately told him my findings n asked what happened btwn them two pls tell the truth, he said that he had went to the doc w her once to see what was up n on the way they talked about names.

my response was i asked you if she asked you names and details about the baby so why u lie??? he said he didn’t talk te her the whole time n that he didn’t know shed name the child that n i was **** bc in my head im thinking wtf would u partake in ANY of it if u thought it was another mans??? so instead i said wheres her bf??? he said he didn’t know he hadn’t talked to her which i knew was true bc i had beenstill checking his phn without him knowing :-/ (i kno) but i felt he was lying n that was my only way of knowing the unknown. sooo weeks passed n one day after we had a talk about something stupid that led into an argument he went to his moms for a reunion to help her w her car. (so i thought) so i called him to talk and he kept fwd me to vm n ignoring my calls so i KNEW sonething was up!!! when we finallt talked he told me he was at the auto store w his mom n uncle n “was that cool w me” in a sarcastic tone n i said yea whatever thats cool but dnt ignore me again. so he comes home to change n get ready for reunion and when he left i saw hair on his jacket that looked exactly like the girls who had the baby.

so i looked on fb n since she was from outta twn saw she had made a trip to dallas n i went from there. so he came home n i calmly said, did u see her, he lied n said no n i looked him n the face n he said ok yes. so i got **** n started yelling asking why he lied n what happened n did he sleep w her. n on top of that he ignored me the whole time he was w her. so i was **** n he wanted to prove his innocents so he called his mom n she told me what happened. the girl wrote her a letter saying she had a baby n she thought it was my bf bc it was black and she had been sleeping with him prior to getting pregnant.

and that he was ignoring her and she needed help etc etc. she never got a chance to write back bc that weekend the day they had the reunion she woke up to doorbell ringing and standng before her was the girl demanding to see him she told her he didnt live there and then she called her son to tell him quietly get uo not to say a word to me to avoid stirring up drama and to get over there asap. so she also says they sat down and she told the girl he was w me n had another chile(which she knew as he told her the last time they talked which is why i believe she fell out w him) but she thought he lived alone n thats why she claimed she was mad...ummmm AND????

my thuights were what has he been telling her and why does it matter esp if she didnt even know if it was his for sure... so with that i tried to go along w it n keep my cool as this was about things bigger than myself(kids) so before any paternity was done we got the little boy a few times and it had to stop bc she was taking advantage of contacting him. sending texts goodmorning papi r sending pix of her breastfeeding (full breast pix nipple and all in bby mouth)and the ultimate she got into w him bc he wasn’t ans her tedious texts n calls when the baby was in his care. cmon really why u texting at 3 am asking about the baby??? he was very open with it and showed me every text every call she made bc he knew it looked funny but was trying to prove he was clean.. (again) so he ended up telling her she was doing too much and he was in a relationship and that he only wanted to deal w her concerning the child IF it was proven to be his after we got the paternity test. so she was mad he talked to her that way and guess what she did...

lol filed for child support and the court date is next month. so after that crazy mess we kinda got closer and he got a new job and started being distant n i felt he might b bored so i tried to rekindle our spark r see why he was so distant. he said he felt he couldn’t provide for us and that he wasn’t happy with how his life was going as he felt his actions were coming to haunt everyone. so he started clinging to his phn again, watching ***** in the restroom (not personal i dnt think unless he didn’t erase his vault box) (yea he had one of those too that’s where he was hiding the old vids) and wanting to do stuff alone. i felt rejected and confused so again i resorted to digging.

i started habitually checking for hairs, stains on clothes, receipts, his phone EVERYTHING. so all along he was telling me i was paranoid and he wasn’t doing anything... we kept having good days but literally one day of an accusation or remark or question made us quarrel to the point where talks of leaving me n doing better on his own would start. i felt i was the prob ignoring the reasons why and tried to just fix my insecurities but every time i would let up i would (i swear!!!)find hairs r scratches on him i didn’t remember doing n would run to my sis for help thinking i was losing my mind bc again i had no solid proof he was doing dirt. so the more i quest the more distant he got. started trying to talk to outsiders only for them to tell him why was he still there n he needed to leave. but they were never neutral people they were mostly folks who already passed judgement on him being involved with a woman with a ready made family. (his mom and his bf who i thought like me and a few other miserable folks)

anyway so two weeks ago the worst happened and one day i was at home got a knock on the door from a man from the office telling me he was w the new management and that he needed me to show him all receipts showing we been paying rent bc the prev owners didn’t do bookkeeping correctly n that’s why they were there. long story short we couldn’t find but one and they wanted us to pay close to 2000 just to stay.

so i was devastated not knowing where we would go and not wanting to lose our beautiful apt. sooo his daddy (whom i adore) came over and was going to pay full amount until he saw that they had a reputation for losing money and said we were only pro longing the inevitable and that he wanted us to move in with him to save money so my bf could get himself situated and that once he was good we would all be. made sense but i hated the mere idea of moving back to the town i ran away from (as he stayed in the exact same house as when we were in highschool) because i knew it would be drama from all angles>

he already felt smothered bc i had cut off everything he liked doing despite my efforts of telling him to do things he loved he got used to doing everything to not put thoughts in my mind, anyway that knowing it could be worse moving in with his dad as his dad wouldn’t let him get a piece of mind and feared moving back with him as that was his motivation getting out his dads house (his dad was strict on him n kinda mentally abusive) so that combined with our problems and moving back to the old town would put people back in our mix that we once tried to hide from.

i feel he was comfy living on the outskirts so no one could pass judgement on him being with me. anyway only good thing we could come up with was that we could save money and do things together that we couldn’t before due to lack of money. well guys a week after moving here i was looking for his id and habitually looked at a receipt that said he was outat 1 am goint to get a energy drink, i thought it was from when we got in an argument the week prior when he spent a night away from home n immediately jumped to conclusions thinking why would he need that at 1 am n had to go to work the next day???

turns out had days wrong n when he told me to look at the dates so i did n i was WRONG again. up until that exact moment we were cool we was vibing n i messed it all up. i immediately apologized n told him pls dnt get upset i was tripping but it was too late he was angry i again was quest him and shut down. that was friday and he ignored me the rest of the night only saying to me how many times did he have to put up with my behavior and that my words were starting to mean nothing to him bc i went back on them too much.

sooo the next day i woke up still trying to reconcile w him n find out he wanted to go out n have fun that night instead of going shopping at ikea and going out w me. so i got uoset but felt i deserved it n got in the car n left n got my hair done so i would feel better. got home and his clothes were out and he had a bag packed and i asked u spending the night somewhere n he says yea going to my moms. i got **** and when he went in the restroom i checked his phone and found he had been looking at backpage looking for escorts.

i just KNEW he was going to cheat, so i did something diff and just left and cried my eyes out so my kids wouldn’t see and came bk home (only went dwn the street) and he was dressed waiting to leave and chippery as heck left saying toodles... lol who says that? i knew he was prob up to no good but again felt i pushed him n maybe he would behave n just dnt worry about it. well he left and i stayed home did some acupressure and cried my pain away until it didnt hurt anymore (as much) but again felt clueless as i didn’t know what to do bc i didnt have proof and i didn’t want him to think i was again falling short on my word to trust him.

even though i felt he was neglecting me and overreacting just to be selfish. well he came back the next day saying he went to top golf and had fun n got drunk. but me knowing what i saw started to obsess over it and when he went to sleep u know what i did. i found out he called 5 diff escorts but couldn’t tell if he hooked up with any of them. so that was sunday. yest was monday and now its tuesday but hes acting like i dnt exist he only is being cordial w me and yest when i asked what he wanted to do he said not much he could do but go w the flow and hope for the best. he said he loved me but didn’t see me the same as he felt i turned into his p.o rather than his girl. i agree too i have been acting horrid. im not a snooper nor is it healthy but it has became so habitual its hard to get rid of neg feelings. esp knowing he has a sex addiction of some sort.

i feel he has a problem stemming from childhood and that he goes back into sex mode when he feels inadequate in his relationships. i feel he wanted to get an escort so he could get pleasure without emotion but i have no proof of what he did r didn’t do and honestly i cant care bc i don’t know for sure and confronting him just might send him over the top if he isn’t yet. bc its those times i obsessed over stuff having no proof or good enough reason that led us to being here.

as i type this he is laying next to me asleep and everytime i accidentally wake him he gently squeezes me. thts the most he has touched me since he came home sat...:-/ yall im in love with him he is great but as alot he is flawed as i am. but i am bettering myself first as i think thats where the initial problem arised. i stopped doing things i loved and stop taking care of myself. i have been in and out of depression my sis thinks i have post pardim but i dnt think so as i have been in and out of depression for years. now its affecting everyone.

i have always been a small woman but at 5′2 im happier heavy and was enjoying my weight gain. i was 145 and 3 weeks later i weigh a mere 125ish r less prob less i refuse to weigh myself. i dnt eat much anymore which is bothering me bc i have a passion for food and everytime he gets home i try and talk r be cordial long with him only to feel neglected and sad at the end of the night. but typing this is giving me relief somewhat.

and like i said im trying to do things to brighten myself back up as i feel that may have caused him to see me diff and no matter what he may do i need to have myself back in order. so i signed up for a support group for peole who are in relationship w people who have sex addiction, i am going to go back to church and im going to do more outings; as im always inside. but i really need some insight or advice on what to do.

if anyone has been in anything similar r can shed positive feedback id greatly appreciate it. i know some might be things i may not wanna hear but im being practical and real about this situation so im all ears!!Lol or in this case eyes. thank you al throughout my long story. i think i said everything but if not and u need more info jst ask ;-D oh and sorry for all errors in here was typing fast and i see spellcheck didn’t do the job all the way lol

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a


  • itachi: 1st of all, i think you need a little bit professional help on the paranoia. It wasn’t your fault but all the past events has taken a mental troll on you and it is not healthy for future. 2nd, you two have too much beggage carrying. I don’t think it can be sorted out. Seriously.
  • heartsbreak:

    I feel like you are putting in too much effort.

    You may be holding onto this relationship because you feel no other guy will have you with three kids. But he is out there. I think if you stay in this relationship, things will always weigh heavy. You will always have that thought in the back of your mind about him. Yes, men do tend to cheat or act cold when they feel they can’t provide for their family and he has had a lot happen.

    He has been with you for a while and probably just wanted to experience other girls. But the pregnancy with the other girl is a line he should not have crossed. I hope that you have not continued un protected sex with him because you don’t know where he has been. No man is worth your life or health, ya dig? Get tested, now. This man has a problem with honesty even when the proof is under his nose.

    He keeps messing up and you keep catching him. Are you a detective or a girlfriend? Don’t get down on yourself for snooping. You would not have found out things otherwise so whatever on that. Either way, you two need to sit down and talk. He probably doesn’t want to get close to you because he knows that he **** up and doesn’t know how you could still love him. You need to let him know why.

    I don’t think he has a sex addiction and those classes can make you even more paranoid. He has to want to get help. You can sit through a few meetings and gain some insight, but I ‘m not sure it will help. You could always go see a relationship therapist. But looking forward, I think that once things get settled with a new place and he has a secure job, things will get better. So for right now, don’t concentrate on him so much.

    He has his own issues to fix. You just keep pulling yourself out of depression by enjoying your children, working out, going out and eating healthy. Once he sees you changing and doing good for yourself, his attraction to you will come back. Use this time to take some classes so you can have a career if he falls through. You can only go up when you are down.

  • Missspencive13:

    thanks for responding guys :-))

    yea itachi- i dont know about phychiatric care i think ive been handling it well doing acupressure and trying to find the source of my insecurities. maybe a support group or a counseling session might help me but honestly anything positive right now would help and

    hey heartsbreak!!-ok so you are right. he has said that to me in some way that he didnt understand how i could claim to love someone so much that i felt was doing dirt, when i told him i felt initially and honestly that he wasnt a bad guy just had bad habits he got defensive saying he was controlling his issues as they used to be alot worse. but yes the baby with the other girl was a no no but i didnt take it as a huge thing bc we werent “together” but it still made me feel played in a sense bc like i said those times we spent during that time were one of my most happiest times with him amongst all the turmoil that was happening and looking back knowing i wasnt the only one he was frisking made me very mad...

    and yes i think you are right maybe i dnt think anyone else will be there but i dnt want to get another. i feel all my past relationships as unhealthy as they were i ran from and i didnt care enough to try and work it out; but in all honesty i did it bc i felt i didnt have to put up with another mans “pee pee” issues. that they were consious and aware of their actions BEFORE they did and after they did what they did so why would i try and stop them.

    but after the second relationship ended in having anothet kid with no promising father figure (he was too unstable mentally)i told myself id try and work hard at fixing my relationship issues. so here i am.so i am on a mission to better myself. once i get me under control i feel things will turn around for us as i do conribute alot of my stress being here to the fact that we are unstable.

    it affects me in other areas.but im going to do exactly that as i fully understand that i have to better me and take care of myself FIRST. so you dont think he has a sex addiction thats a first but i am appreciative of your opinion bc i too felt thatway and a part of me still does. i just think it gets worse as stress takes its toll on him so i look at it as a problem;

    i shouldnt judge as im not perfect myself. and as far asmy health i stay on top of that i got checked before we moved here but i dnt think getting tested habitually is a bad thing but as of now im hiv free and all other nasty stds. and you say talk to him and tell him what exactly? i think all my “talking to him” has gotten mundane and maybe i just need to chill fr a minute?

    but what would i say to him and how? he gets in defensive mode quickly as most of the time i said i needed to talk were all centered around things i couldnt fully prove; but you got it right on the head he knew i knew something was up. but hes so intent on me not having ANY bad thoughts about him that he completely denies any wrong doings besides what i knew factual bc i seen it....

    he claims he has never cheated but he was wrong for having the old ***** from prev women and he said he was wrong for lying about the baby thing but that he has done everything in his eyes to prove his worth to me. thts my issue with him just bc u think ur doing all you can doesnt mean i felt thesame. i felt he half assesd stuff but i do believe him about the girl i used evidencei was snooping with and how she complained n dry texted him thinking he didnt show me things.

    but im willing to forgive him and move on but i dnt think he will ever admit i was right about my suspicions. but im just going to build ME right now and stay positive and less argumentative but i would like to know what you think i should say to him about why i love him after all the (junk) i think thats what you meant? your advicereally helped me and again thanks yall for taking time to help me ot im greatly appreciative!!! :-D ps again excuse my spelling as i dnt feel like going through all the spellcheck its too much lol

  • itachi:

    For better readbility, i am editing the blog and the comments.... I hope you guys/girls won’t mind. Not changing any words, just making paras. :)

  • Missspencive13: cool go ahead :-)

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