Married and in love with my ex

I have been married 9 yrs to good man. We have two beautiful children together. He works hard and loves us very much. About 3months ago I received an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend from 20 yrs ago. He wanted to catch up with me and see how I was doing. It was very innocent for a couple of days and then we started talking about us. He was my first love and my parents hated him. They moved me to another town to get me away from him. He came to visit me once and then I ran into him a few years later at a club but nothing came of it. He expressed to me that I was also his first true love and that I hurt him when I left him. I never thought I meant that much to him since he was constantly cheating on me and also got a another girl pregnant (who is now his wife). The things that he started to tell me is what I wanted to hear from him 20 yrs ago. Well things have now progressed with us and we are having an affair. I have fallen back in love with him but I also still love my husband. My husband is my best friend and we have had this kind of talk before that if either one of us wanted out that we should discuss it so that we do not end up hating each other. I do not want to tell my husband because if I do then he leaves me and then the ex never leaves his wife then I will be alone. Am I fooling myself to think that my ex and I could have back what we once had? I am very confused because I think that what the ex and I had was never really over, I was forced to leave him so now we have the unresolved issues that we are dealing with. Any advice please!!

Being in an affair means that you risk losing both of them. Would you rather have your husband find out without being told what you are doing to him? If your ex is willing to go behind his wife's back, what makes you think that he won't do the same to you again? Think of how you felt when the ex cheated on you, and spare your husband and your ex's wife the same pain.

Do you love your husband or your ex more?

My question to myself is who do I love more. I thought I loved my husband but for my ex to come around it is making me question those feelings. I love the person my husband is, I love the father he is to my kids but I am just not sure if I am in love with him. The ex is a person who is not faithful so I know it would be hard to trust him again. Maybe this is my way of getting out of marriage I am not truly happy in. I think I am just scared to be alone.

If you are scared to be alone, then why risk losing both of them? Choose!

Just remember when you are deciding...distance makes the heart grow fonder...time permits us to usually only remember the good things...not the bad.

I know what your going through I have been married for 10yrs and my first true love has just started contacting me again we also ended in a similar situation her step dad didnt like me, now I am questioning my marriage as all these feelings start flooding back I love my wife and duaghter very much and dont think I could have an affair but you never think it will happen to you untill it actually does.

I am glad to find someone out there in a similar situation. I always thought I would never cheat on my husband. I did and now feel really guilty. I do love them both but in different ways. I think for the both of us it was that we had no actual closure with the ex's so this is why we are drawn back to them. I can't seem to end things with him. I am finally figuring out the ex had no intention of ever leaving his wife for me. His wife has found out he is having an affair but she still chooses to stay with him. Good luck and be careful.

thanks it's so hard as I can't talk to any of our friends about it sorry to hear he was playing you. I am on the other side of the fence my ex doesnt have anyone else. I am a big beliver in not cheating and have never done so and so much want to sit down and talk to my wife about it it also isnt helping our relationship was rocky a few weeks before the ex contacted me.

Let me tell you my husband and I have had our problems over the years but nothing that we could not work through. It seemd like since the ex has come around the problems are getting worse and we have actually talked about a seperation. I think that if the ex hadn't of come around we would be ok. Do not let the relationship with the ex mess up what you have with your wife. It is too late for me but you still have a chance.

With who are you really happy?

Then again, 20 yrs ago is a long time,
do you trust him?

I would stay with the man your with..
Do you really want to risk anything for your ex?

I totally agree with where you are at...I have been married for 17 years and have 2 kids with my husband. I love him very much and love the life we have and can't imagine my life without him, but I seem to feel only complete when my ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago is txting me every day. We were together for 3 years and engaged, but my parents didn't like him so I left him to keep peace in the family, I still loved him dearly. He has been around in my life for my entire marriage....what complicates it even more is that he is married with 2 kids as well. But something still brings us back together. We've never gone so far as to have sex but we have gotten somewhat intimate with each other. Neither of us are prepared to leave our marriages but I am so confused as to WHY I still have these feelings for him. I know there is no possibility I could ever be with him, that's why I left him, but that didn't change my love for him. Does anyone have advice as to how I can stop loving my ex?

Wow Meto. I don't have any advice for you but I can say that I am in the same boat you are. I have also been married for several years but still love my ex. I have never told anyone or acted upon it. My ex and I were high school sweethearts and for the first half of college. We talked about marriage and were very much in love. Then something happened and we were separated, I never even got the chance to say goodbye to him. Several months later I met a very nice man who helped to distract me from the pain I was feeling for losing my ex. I eventually married him. So I guess you could say that I also love two men, but for very different reasons. Do you think that people who get no closure from their partners ever really get over losing that person? From my experience, I would have to say no. That is why I am currently working on contacting my ex. I don't know where it is going to lead, but I have to talk to him. Even if he refuses to talk to me, I'll know how he feels and can move on with my life. Maybe then I can truly commit every inch of my heart to my husband and be truly happy. Any comments?

Wouldn't contacting your ex also risk making things more complicated?

Maybe, Guy. The only thing I can do is take it one step at a time. All I know is that if I don't contact him, these feelings are going to drive me crazy. I need to know how he feels so I can move on. What do you think about my question: Do you think that people who get no closure from their partners ever really get over losing that person?

Well, with your question in mind, it would be better to make an informed decision. So yes, try it even if it would make things more complicated at first because I think that it will at least not have so many doubts. I don't know about the answer itself to your question, as that depends on the individual.

Thank you Guy. As I get older, I'm learning that closure really is necessary to move on. I know now that dating and marrying my husband is something I did to distract myself from the pain of losing my ex. My husband deserves to have someone who adores him. As hard as I try and as much as I wish, that person is just not me. At least not until I get my feelings for my ex sorted out. That probably makes me sound like a horrible person, but I can't help it. I've heard that "the heart cannot lie" and I believe it is true. Mine is tired of living a lie so I know the only way to deal with it is just to go to my ex and try to figure out how he feels. I don't plan on bombarding him all at once with how I feel, but if I can establish some sort of communication with him, then maybe over a little time I can gently let him know and see where it goes from there. Thanks for your advice. Wish me luck.

I totally agree about closure. Problem I have is that I don't have that, and can't seem to get it as my ex will still tell me he loves me. I ask him not to that saying that only confuses me more but he just keeps saying "but I do and I always will". How do you get closure with that. I keep telling myself use your head on this one, you've been married a long time, I DO love my husband and want to be with him, you don't need to talk to your ex, and keep thinking next time he texts me that I just won't reply....but I always end up replying. He is my biggest weakness in life and just can't seem to figure out why. I don't want to be with him, I KNOW that there is more chance of a pig flying than him and I ever having a real relationship again, but I can't get him out of my mind. The hurt of losing him some nights is as real today as it was 17 years ago when I left him. I have done a lot of soul searching and keep coming up empty as to why this man seems to complete me. I've had many boyfriends but none that ever had the power over me like this guy does. Whatever should I do?

Why is it that you know a relationship with your ex would never work?

I know it would never work because my family can't stand the ground the man walks on and his family doesn't like me either. I love the lifestyle that I have with my husband and my ex could never give me that. I do want to be with my husband, he adores me and we have no marital problems at all, I just have this nagging need for my ex and not a need strong enuf that I'd leave my marriage for him, he'd never leave his marriage for me either. But here we are as I say something keeps pulling us back together

We hadn't talked for a couple of years and then I found him again April 2008, from there we talked EVERY day till Dec. 5 and all things seemed great etc. we'd seen each other a few times, then out of the blue he stopped talking to me totally with no explanation why. I tried txting and calling him for months after and he'd not respond. A week ago I txt him again with a different number, well he responded of course. I didn't reveal who it was to him but he figured it out on his own. However now we have talked every day again for nearly a week. I love talking to him again. However why couldn't I have just let it die it's own death when he stopped talking to me, and now we are both talking again.....like I say "something" keeps bringing us back no matter how much time passes. If I point that fact out to him he gets scared and runs away for awhile, but in the end does come back again. I just don't get it and don't know how to sort out my feelings without totally cutting myself off from him, but unfortunately the longing and needing him still doesn't go away, after 20 years it hasn't gone away.

I understand when you say that in 20 years the feeling hasn't died away. I feel the same. Did your ex give you a reason as to why suddenly he wouldn't talk to you for months?

You say that your family can't stand the ground he walks on, and that your husband provides a good lifestyle for you and your family. That is exactly where I am coming from. My ex was a rebel that absolutely took my breath away. I was the "goody two shoes" girl that never ever got into trouble. People in high school absolutely could not believe it when they found out we were a couple. He was daring and passionate, didn't care what people thought, and said his mind. He captivated me because I had never met anyone like him. He made me feel for the first time in my life special and sexy. Other people only saw his rebel side, but with me he was so gentle and loving. I guess that's why I fell so hard for him. My family also hated him and highly discouraged us being together. I also let him go to keep the peace in my family. Although I love my parents dearly, there is a part of me that really resents them for forcing me to let him go. Now, my husband is the "safe" man. He's a good husband, a great provider, sweet, caring, and funny. I couldn't ask for a better man but I have never ever felt the same way about him like I feel for my ex. I do LOVE my husband, just more like a best friend that I have shared my life with. I wish I could take my feelings for my ex and apply them to my husband. Then life truly would be perfect.

Your situation differs from mine in the fact that you are at least talking to your ex and he does say that he loves you. You see, my ex and I haven't spoken since we were torn apart (by circumstances outside of us). That's been years ago and have no idea how he feels now. Putting myself in your shoes, if I were to tell him how I feel and he were to reciprocate those feelings, I feel like then I would probably have to choose between the two men. That would be one tough decision. Like you, I don't know if I could make that decision either. You feel like you need both men.

Is any of my situation similar to your situation? Do you, like me, feel as though the innermost part of your heart belongs to your ex and thats a place that your husband will never occupy?

Definitely! My ex holds a part of my heart that not another single man will ever have. I have often wished I could put the two of them into one man. The hard part is my ex has said the same to me that I hold part of his heart that not his wife or daughters will ever have.

I also get along fantastic with my parents and that's why I couldn't have a man that they couldn't stand. We were so in love back then, we were each others world (not saying that there weren't issues occasionally as well), we were engaged, we were going to have a baby together (needless to say I had to end that pregnancy) we had our wedding year all planned out when I finished university. Yes like you and your ex, me and mine are kinda opposites as well, he was and is still kinda the rebel, speaks his mind and doesn't care what others think. Believe it or not my husband is exactly the same way. The one difference between him and my husband is even though I know my husband loves me dearly he's not really the romantic mushy type, saying I LOVE YOU doesn't come easy for him. My ex never had a problem telling me he loved me and needed me.

The hardest part is there really isn't a decision to make between the two of them as neither him nor I are prepared to end our marriages. I don't believe in divorce and neither does he. I've seen first hand what happens to the man in a divorce as my husband has a daughter from a previous commonlaw woman and it is truly not nice. I just do truly seem to need both men and I know that is totally wrong but I don't know how to forget my ex, because he realistically is the one that I have to get over, my heart just won't allow me to do that!

I have asked him a couple times why he left in December without saying a word and he will not answer me. The only thing I can come up with is that I became friends with his sister and she knew how much in my life he actually was and he might have been afraid of something slipping back to his wife. His wife knows of me and knew he had been talking to me but not to any extent and his sister did tell me that she did occasionally question if she knew anything that was going on with us. His sister was good and kept quiet, but I just keep thinking he didn't want the chance and also that his sister was telling me things about his life with his wife and kids that he oviously didn't share with me and felt had no part of our relationship. When we started talking again a week ago, after I relized he knew who it was, my next text to him was assuring him that I no longer have anything to do with his sister, which I don't for other reasons, but I never would now because I think it was that friendship that cost me him last year and I won't take that chance again.

We have discussed the physical situation that occured between us last year and neither of us regret it or feel quilty about it. This time round he does seem a little bit more reserved, but he did in the beginning last year as well.

I got the impression from him on Sunday that he wasn't interested in talking again so I sent him a text that said "Go in life and always remember I will always Love you". I figured he wouldn't reply to that, but he replied back "smile" and I still figured that was it, but by 10 am Monday morning he had texted me again and we chatted most of the day. I haven't heard from him today, but it dawned on me that it's his anniversary today so might be inappropriate to talk to me.

Truly, how do I forget that he has ever existed in my life, I try by remembering the bad times, but that doesn't seem to work.

Well I think you might be on the right track to try and remember the bad times to help you forget him. Honestly if you really want to forget him then you have to make up your mind 100% to absolutely forget him and just try as best you can to stick to it. If you are serious about it, I wouldn't text him, call him, see him, or anything and try to distract yourself by building on your current relationship with your husband. See if your husband wants to try some new things to do together. Try to keep yourself as busy as possible, try a new hobby, and tell yourself this is for the best.
Good luck as I honestly don't know if that will work. I've read it works for others. With my situation, not talking to him all these years has left a huge question mark in my soul, and I can't go forward until it is answered. Do you agree that I should talk to him?

Yes I do agree that you should talk to him. Everyone needs closure to a relationship as reassurance that they made the right decision in life. There is that risk that you won't get the closure and he still has feelings for you after all these years. I've often wondered how that is even possible in life. Like you, I fell in love with the teenager and the dream of the man he would grow into, but there is alot of his life that only a wife would come to know and I know nothing of that part of him. so really is the love I still hold for the kids we were or the man he is today. Alot of what I see is the same as the teenager he was, but I'm sure there is some things I don't see.

I would never recommend leaving a marriage for a previous boyfriend. Until you actually got to know the man of today and determined that he is the man you'd love forever, you could be destroying a perfectly good marriage.

Funny I can say the logic behind it all, I don't 100% know the man of today, I know his lifestyle I would NEVER want (he's a long distance truck driver and is gone 50% of the year on the road, that's why it is so easy for him to talk to me without the wife knowing he is), he is the type that his fish is always bigger than the next guys which can be quite annoying sometimes, but why is my heart not seeing all these logical things that certainly would never allow any real relationship with him to work even if we were both single again?

I believe the heart sees what it wants to see. How often when people are in love do they overlook the bad for the good? I think you and I are both doing that right now. We know that for better or worse we made a commitment to our husbands. But our husbands were what "the family" wanted us to be with. So we put our own happiness aside to please everyone else. It's sad.

Yes I did fall in love with the teenager. I know some of the man he is today because he has a myspace page and we have a mutual friend who has kept me caught up on his life. I know that right after we broke up (right after high school), he went right out, got drunk, knocked up some floozy, and married her. They had not one but two kids. He also divorced her and while he was divorcing her, he met up with me again. We dated for several months and that's when the separation happened. Not to give out any details, but let's just say jailtime on his part was involved. I don't blame or judge him, because he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I can tell from what he has said on his myspace page that he has spent most of his life being unhappy. I also partly blame myself for this. Part of me feels that if we had stayed together that he would have been happier and so would I. He now has a good job and is going back to college via internet classes. I saw a picture of his two kids on myspace (who are now teenagers) and couldn't believe how much the son looks like his dad. I then became overwhelmed with sadness that this boy could have been my son. I knew then that from all these feelings I've been pushing down for so many years that I HAD to go and see him. I found out through our mutual friend that he spends one day a week at the local park playing amtgard. I don't know why but last week I drove by that park while they were all there. I saw him from a distance and my heart pounded so hard I thought it was going to come out of my chest. I knew that I was not actually going to walk up to him, but I think this is how I will talk to him. Just show up at the park and "accidentally" bump into him.

I do not plan to leave my marriage either, because like you I have a good life, great kids, and a sweet husband. I just have to know what happened to him all those years ago and what his feelings are. If he returns the feelings, then I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I do hope you find the happiness that you are looking for. I think you just need to do some serious soul searching to figure out which man you really want to be with, and go from there. If my ex does indeed have feelings for me, then I'll be right in your shoes, having to make a difficult decision. As much as we both want it, it's next to impossible to have both men in our life. I know if I chose my ex over my husband but didn't leave my husband, it would be very difficult because I would really want to be with the ex all the time. Which man makes you truly happy?

Hello there just found this post and it hit me a little because i am the ex from 21 years ago, she left me back then and after reconnecting with the love of my life this year for a four month whirlwind i am more heartbroken than ever now as she has just left me yet again. she was in a marriage that she wasnt happy in and wanted to end and after 21 years apart our feelings for each other were stronger than ever..

maybe my view is from the other side but i think if she ever got over herself we would be absolutely soaring by now...my ex had a little bit more baggage than i have read from this post but true feelings will never die, i know that much, in fact the saga has hit me that much that my post 'tragic epic love story' spans my feelings for her, its a little long winded but it is written from my heart and is from someone who is on the other side of where you are.

maybe it can give an indication of what someone who has been reunited with their love and then lost her again feels like. It caused devastation for both of us, all i can say is that whatever you are 100% committed to i believe WILL work, but i feel there can be no half truths or half measures in anything you decide, if there is any doubts at all stay where you are, whatever you decide to do whether its your current relationship or a second attempt with your ex give it 100% to see it through, dont just put your foot in the water because in the end you will regret it, i sometimes wish i never re-connected with her because it hurts so much, yet i know inside she was meant for me, even back then 21 years ago...

life sometimes just gets in the way of true love, as you say lifestyle is a consideration but it shouldnt matter where love is concerned because 2 people in love can create a reality brimming with possibilities, she gave up her whole life to come back to me but its the hang ups and the fears and the experience of past relationships over 21 years that destroyed us. She ended up painting me a picture of what we really actually were not. It tainted us and what we had, eventually experiences she had in previous relationships were projected onto me i feel really unfairly, she didnt give it time to sort it out with me and got cold feet,she ran away thinking she had made the wrong decision and now shes gone to put right the things she escaped from in the first place and blames me for the damage.

All the uncertainty she had from her past ruined something so sweet and innocent it makes me sick to my stomach..I am 39 and have had my share of relationships but through my whole life i can honestly say she was the one..and always will be, but she always had one foot in the other camp 'just in case' and that proved our undoing...

Hello Crash. Thanks for giving your side of the story. It's nice to hear from the man's perspective. I am truly sorry for you that your ex couldn't commit 100% to you. I am also sorry that she projected other relationship mistakes onto you. That is not fair. I hope for your sake that she comes to her senses and realizes what she is losing by not being with you. As for my situation, it is hard to say that I would commit to my ex 100% because I have no idea how he feels. Once I find out, then I can make a decision. I hate the thought of hurting my husband and family, but for my own sanity I have to contact my ex. I am tired of having all these secret feelings for him. Tired of having dreams about him, tired of wondering what happened to him, why we never spoke again, if he still has feelings for me, etc. These thoughts have been in my mind since we were separated. One would think they would eventually go away, but it's just the opposite. As the years go by, the feelings becoming stronger. It's just something I can't explain.

You say that reuniting with your ex has caused so much devastation and pain. Maybe that's what will happen to us. But at least we will have closure and it will be over. One way or the other and we can move on. I really feel like if he tells me he no longer has any feelings for me, then I can truly commit myself to my husband and open up all of my heart to him.

I used to think that cheating was absolutely terrible and that if anyone did they were a horrible person. Well now I understand from a different point of view. I know that I would never ever cheat on my husband with someone that I had just met, like just for the sex or something. There is only one other man in my life that holds a piece of my heart besides my husband, and that is my true love. After I talk to him, it will basically be up to him what he wants to do with that piece of my heart. He can hold onto it, or he can give it back to me so I can heal and move on with my life. Does this make any sense?

its nice to know you can hold feelings for someone for so long, but what happened in our case is that it didnt put closure on things, it wouldve done if she'd have stayed and fought for us..but i feel like it was always a thing that the longer she stayed the more ground she would have to make up if she ever did have to go back home. The way she left things has only opened up a whole new can of worms, she left me in an awful mess and how do you put that right now when she wont even talk to me? as i say if you find out this man is everything you want like she did originally you'll still have to work hard to make head and tail of it..any doubts and you'll be left in no mans land and that is where she found herself, if she'd have only given things time to settle after the initial whirlwind im convinced we would have been inseperable..

Crash, I'm sorry she left things in such a mess. Maybe once she has some more time to dwell on it, she'll come back to you. Maybe right now she's just really confused. Once she's sorted things out in her mind, things will get better. Just try (but don't over do it!) to let her know that you will be there for her, no matter what. That is always reassuring to the ladies. If she doesn't come back to you, then you can know in your heart of hearts that it is over and you can go on.

As for me, I hope I don't open up a new can of worms or mess things up in his life. I just need to clear things up - close the old can of worms, so to speak! If we still have that same magic, then that will be something we will have to deal with. I don't have any hangups about him.. I won't put past relationship failures onto him. He's a pretty simple guy. I'm just really trying to figure out what happened to us. You see, what separated us was he went to jail for 3 months. As I said in a previous post, I don't blame him or judge him. He really was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But all during that episode, the trial, the jail time and afterwards, he never called. I, on the other hand, never called him either. At the time I was too frightened but now I don't care what he did. From a man's perspective, do you think he was angry with me for not calling him, or was it maybe that he was so embarrassed and ashamed by the whole thing that he just gave me up?

You know, she knows im there for her whatever, i dont think that was ever in doubt. Theres no chance i can get near her now. If you read my story you'll see why, shes so cocooned with people around her she told me she had 'been told to severe all contact' with me, which shes now done and shes told me its not what she wants. i know she was more than a little confused but its almost a month now since she left.

As for prison, my brother done 18 months and i never went to see him once and to this day hes never even mentioned it to me, i think people realise they've got to just get their heads down and im sure it can be even harder seeing them in there and the visiting can be a little hard when they know you're leaving in an hour or so, im sure that wouldnt even be an issue right now.

i know she couldnt wait to come and see me and for all the crap that went with it, the beautiful parts were well worth the agony im feeling right now, i just have to put my faith in the universe and hope she sees the stars one day...

For your sake I hope she does. You mentioned that your brother was in prison and you never went to see him. He isn't mad at you, which is great, because you are brothers. That's a different kind of bond. What if it was your girlfriend that didn't come see you? Would you react the same when you got out?