My boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years and just wants to be friends

Thought maybe someone may have some advice who have been through this situation. I was 28 years old when I met my ex-boyfriend. Both of us were still in a graduate professional program. I had 2 years left and he had 3 years before finishing. We hit it off right away and had so much chemistry. We shared so many interests. He had just moved to the area and his previous girlfriend broke up with him after a 1 year relationship about 1 month after he moved away. We started dating about 2 months after he and his previous girlfriend broke up. He was very open and said that he did love this girl and she just ended it and could not tell him why. This guy was such a gentleman and very romantic. He asked me to move in with him about 2.5 months into the relationship, but I kept my house and just brought over about a weeks worth of clothes at a time because that he what he wanted (he said his parents would not agree on living together). The hardest part of our early relationship was that we worked together and he did not want anyone at work to know we were seeing each other and it did hurt my feelings a bit since we started having sex after being together for only 2 months (he was my first). I did feel uncomfortable that he thought I was good enough to have sex with at home, but did not want to pay any attention to me around work. However, about 6 months into the relationship, he was telling me that he loved me and I thought everything was great. We had just a couple of ups and downs during the first 1.5 years, but for the most part were both very happy. Then when it came time for me to finish my graduate program and look for a job, I asked him for his input if I should look outside of the area or try to find something so we could stay together. He did not want to talk about it and I knew something was "wrong". About a month later, since I hadn't heard "I love you" in a couple of months, I asked him if he loved me. He said that he did love me, but not in that way anymore. He thought we were more like friends (although we were still sleeping together and having sex frequently). I was heart broke and he decided to end the relationship. The following week, he wanted me back and was romantic again just like in the beginning. He told me he thought he made the worst decision of his life when he let me go. We got back together for another 2 months and things seemed great. He told me he loved me again and I found a job in the area and we still lived together. Then one night when I got home early to suprise him with dinner, he did not come home. I called him and he said he would not be home for another hour or two. I knew he was very slow at work that day because we had talked in the afternoon. When he got home, I asked if he had a lot to do with work. No answer. I asked if he wanted me to heat him up some dinner because I waited for him. He said he already ate. He then told me he went out to dinner with a female colleague. I pouted that night and told him he hurt me, not because he went to dinner with someone else, but because he did not call and tried to keep it from me. The next morning he apologized and kissed me. I thought everything was fine. Then one week later when I went to snuggle up to him on the couch he pushed me away from him. When I asked what was wrong, he said "don't, or you will push me away". I got my feelings hurt and cried, so he later kissed and tickled me. That evening he fell asleep on the other couch and I gently woke him to let him know that we needed to talk about things and if he something was wrong, I would go back to my house for the night, but that I did not want to. All of a sudden he said "We need to break up, I am happy anymore, and I still want to be your friend.". That was two months ago and when I took him up on the "friend" offer, I met with him a couple of times for dinner and did not cry or talk about us. He was calling me still almost everynight, until he saw me in person. He stopped calling and said that he did want to be friends still but still needed "space" and could not see me anymore. I love this guy so much, I love him unconditionally and have never told him a mean thing. He knows I love him and said he does not have any doubts about that, but for some reason he just doesn't feel the same and he cannot tell me why his feeling changed. He said he is doing this for not only him, but for me because he knows I was hurting knowing he didn't feel the same thing for me as I did for him. Any advice? Has anyone experienced this? Does anyone think there is any hope of us getting back together.

Hi there and welcome to the forum.
Thank You for sharing your story.

My two cents if may.

Do you notice how your ex bf seems to show disrespect and a comfort zone attitude when you are there or when he "wins" when he sees you. Do you notice how he begins to play the win game when you are gone?

It's human nature for men to want to feel a mental challenge instead of being grateful.

Men are slightly different. When they go out hunting or fishing, lets say. It's an adventure and a challenge. If you were to think you are pleasing him by thinking "hmmm...he likes hunting/ fishing..." you might feel compelled to show your love for him by doing the hunting or fishing for him and dropping the catches on his doorstep.

But you see, in this case, you have become the catch from two years ago. And since then, the relationship has become catered for him.

I believe we have all been there. You are sitting there in love with him and he knows that. And he, is like a little boy, sitting there with his chocolate chip cookies and milk, knowing he hasn't a care in the world.

Your ex is of the impression that you are a rational adult. So if he downgrades you to friend with no boundaries, he expects you can say yes or no.

And he wins because he gets what he wants and he thinks you do to.

You don't want that.

When a guy has lost interest in you, the hardest thing to ever do is to realize you have lost yourself and you are in to him.

Only way to turn the tables is to realize he has done this thought process about you and stop feeding this guy his chocolate chip cookies and milk. It hurts you too in the process but no one said love and human nature was easy.

hey sweetheart listen to me-I'm in the same situation like you-an I just want to let you know he is definetly playing with your heart..he's fooling around no doubt about that..but there comes a time when you just have to tell yourself that YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH! call his bluff an leave his ass alone-let him chase you after a while-during that time you will really have time enough to think weither you want to be with this jerk or not-hopefully you'll realize that you can get better. so do this for me-get a make over!-lose weight-fix yourself up-it may sound crazy but it works-look in the mirror an tell yourself that your beautiful and a decent man deserves you an if he doesn't see how special you are-then fuck him. there's plenty of guys out there that will think so...an don't be friends-you really can't because if he decides to get another woman then it's gonna hurt you-an he will be quick to tell you that "i thought we were just friends-an I thought you were over me" you will just look stupid being his friend with your heart still in your hand-hoping that he will take it. don't do this damage to your self esteem-it will destroy you-trust me-it's best to just get away from him completely-I hope you don't have kids with him..if you don't-GOOD so you won't be tied to him for life. get out while you can sister! an start to feel better about yourself-obviously you are special because then he wouldn't keep begging you to come back every time-oh an listen to that lady above me as well. take care an god bless-I'll be praying for ya!

If you don't mind me asking, what are your ethnicities or backgrounds? In reading your post, several thoughts came to mind:
1.) He had just gotten out of a year long relationship and had no idea why his ex left him
2.) He asked you to move in shortly after meeting (2.5 months) and yet
3.) He didn't want anyone to know you were dating initially.

These are all very confusing facts that send red flags up right away. I cannot begin to know the specifics, but it is safe to say that your BF was not ready for the relationship from the beginning.
Did either one of you really sit down and discuss what you wanted out of the future? What sort of a relationship you wanted (i.e. long term, casual, etc.) From what I can tell, it seems that he does enjoy your company and your caring for him, and I am sure he does have feelings for you. But for some reason it seems that he may not see you as a woman he can actually marry, based on your discussing his secrecy with work and family. He is struggling to both keep you as long as he can while simultaneously trying to work through his own personal issues. I do not recommend being his friend, because this is not a mutual breakup and he is not healthy for you right now. Nor do you deep down want to be his "friend." Let him know that he may contact you when he gets his act together, but for now, he must leave you alone and you will not baby him any longer.

We are both caucasian, both doing residencies in the medical field at the same university. I would agree that not wanting anyone to know we were dating was a bit of a shock for me, but I respected his preference to keep his work and personal life separate. It was difficult since we both worked together, but no one knew for 6 months and still not all of our colleagues knew for 1.5 years. I felt much better about it when it was in the opinion because it made interacting with each other at work awkward. I met his mother briefly when we had been together for 3 months and finally both of his parents at about 18 months into the relationship when they came to visit (they never knew that we lived together). I still am very much in love with this guy, but he has managed to shut me completely out of his personal life. Although I no longer work in the same builder, I do see him from time to time on a professional level and we still have common friends. I pray every day that he just has a lot going on and it was the timing, but I recently found out he is now seeing someone else (it has been almost 5 months) and that, although I don't know specifically who, she does work at the same building and he is keeping this a secret as well. I only know because he was honest with me when I asked. I am still very much heart-broken.

My dear, look at this for what it is: He's not with you and he's dating someone in the same building and he is keeping her a secret as well. This isn't about him having boundaries between work and personal. He is being a selfish person and he isn't capable of really being a good partner in a relationship. This is his pattern and he will always continue to do this if women allow him to. If you are in med school, you have a wonderful, exciting career and life ahead of you. Success is the best revenge. Focus on yourself and all else will come in time.

This guy seems like a player hun. I mean he hurts you so badly and he moves onto this other girl so easily?

I'm actually going through what you're going through right now. My boyfriend broke up with me, and we've been together for 1.5 year(s) so far. We have had on and off problems, but I wish I trusted my insticts from day one. I knew it would end badly.

Think about the people of haiti, it's actually lessening my pain because I can't imagine their pain.

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here's a question, if a player is playing someone and that some one allows it (be it because they dont know, or just blinded by love) then obviously this is what what happens right?

but what if a player tries to play someone (lets say they had at least a year of a relationship but player breaks up then wants back) and now that someone doesnt allow themselves to be played, does the player see it as a challenge and pushes some more or backs away for good? just curious.

It seems like he likes torturing you, because it gives him this feeling that he has control over you..I just got out of a relationship that did what your man did as well. The best thing that you can do is show him that you don't need him to make you happy. You are you, and no man should define who you are. Once he sees that, he will come running back. Just try to live life however you can and be happy with your friends.

My general advice for "U" u must b asking yourself "should I stay or should I go" or "which one should I pick" questions is to do what your BRAIN is telling you to do. That will often be the harder decision to make in the short-run but in the long-run you will waste less time in bad relationships and expose yourself to higher quality candidates.
My advice is that a break up should be cold and clean. None of this friendship nonsense. If you can still be friends, then why are you breaking up? If there was already a breakup, which you are happy with, but the other party is not letting go, then don't lead him on or humor him. Tell him to not call, write, or communicate in any way and do not respond if he does anyway
"Be true to yourself and you can't go wrong

The purpose of dating should be to get to know the real person, including the bad side, before starting a life together. You have discovered that

My general advice for "U" u must b asking yourself "should I stay or should I go" or "which one should I pick" questions is to do what your BRAIN is telling you to do. That will often be the harder decision to make in the short-run but in the long-run you will waste less time in bad relationships and expose yourself to higher quality candidates.
My advice is that a break up should be cold and clean. None of this friendship nonsense. If you can still be friends, then why are you breaking up? If there was already a breakup, which you are happy with, but the other party is not letting go, then don't lead him on or humor him. Tell him to not call, write, or communicate in any way and do not respond if he does anyway
"Be true to yourself and you can't go wrong

The purpose of dating should be to get to know the real person, including the bad side, before starting a life together. You have discovered that

No one can teach this stuff.

But usually, its common sense.
When a guy keeps his personal professional life love life a secret he is dating and controls things.

That should normally tell us all we need to know.

But matters of the heart are not that simple to see as you are going through them.

Some of his actions may have been admirable.
Can you imagine if everyone knew you were dating and you two didnt make it?