IS SHE IN A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP OR IS SHE OVER ME?

my ex girlfriend and i broke up after 3 years of dating. we were truly in love with one another. we shared the closest of bonds. she loved me more than i ever loved her. during the last 2 months of our relationship, i took her for granted, always wanted my way and she felt she dropped on my priority list. i hurt her emotionally. she started throwing hints of it not working. then suddenly she broke up with me and said she liked another guy. a guy who was really sweet to her when i wasnt. a day after breaking up she starts dating this guy. i
i apologised to her when i realized my mistakes. we still keep in touch. is this new relationship a rebound?
do i still have a chance with her? i wont make the same mistakes again. how do i prove to her that i have actually changed?

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JO46 avatar
6 years ago #2
JO46
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Hi Brokenhearted 2310. Such losses bring so much hurt.

There is no quick way to prove it to her. You had the long term relationship and didn't value her. Those hurt feelings don't go away with words that tell her you've changed. She wanted to be a priority in your life. That is how she feels loved.

Sometimes we men don't understand how important love is to a woman. To a woman love is just as important as the air she breathes. For a man respect is the air that gives him life.

If she doesn't come back or believe you then the question is: "how are you going to treat the next woman?"

If you are willing to do a little reading I'd like to recommend some things to you.

The first is an internet search for "Languages of Love". There is a book by that name as well, but the basic information is on the internet. When we understand what each other's love language is we can better relate to them in a meaningful way. Of the five languages, it sounds like she values quality time.

The second is a book. It is called "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerts. He is a former pastor and brings God into the conversation, but the book is very insightful in understanding the importance of love to a woman and how to express that love. Also it helps you understand your need for respect and how that is expressed to you. The book is also in audio format if you are not much of a reader.

We are willing to take classes to learn how to use computer programs, how to do our job better, how to improve our hobby, etc. We need to realize that what is most important, i.e. relationships, is something we ought to invest much time in learning and improving our ability in and understanding in.

There are a lot of good books out there on marriage and relationships. Invest your life in that for a while instead of seeking someone else as a rebound.

Best to you.

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #3
Kimberly
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Those are good books mentioned, I've read them all too; they are Big eye openers! Men are more ligically oriented and we all know women think and "see" through emotion! So when a man's logic tells him things are ok and no problems are visible, you can't visualize emotions on the observable field, and may have no idea what's really going on inside her. This is a valuable lesson for that comfort zone tendency that can come about in a relationship where taking the other person for granted develops over time.

Realistically we don't just change because someone left us but we "realize" through rejection and loss that we suddenly are no longer in the comfort zone and are aroused from sleeping. Now all of a sudden this person "appears" to us as greatly meaningful while only a week ago we were ...bored?

You can't judge correctly really through the lens of rejection and sudden comfort zone disturbance, because there was a "reason" that you were bored (I am thinking you were bored) and got to taking things for granted. That reason alone holds both the answer to "why" you got that way and to whether you truly could or would have long term change if you did get her back. It's a common occurrence to feel just like you do and then, on a second round with the same person, end up falling into the same state you did this time.

The emotions of rejection are not love, but just our rejection and loss causes us to feel and react. If you were not compelled to be giving her the love she needs and also did want in the past, I think it's probably more of an issue that you simply did not have the kind and level of love for her that you feel you do now?

Would you consider honestly searching yourself to determine if that may be the case? If so, then you both would be better off with someone who you did "really" ahve the true feeling for and who also had it for you so there would be a true love for both.
I have had to ask myself this question in life before when I was in relationship with someone I did love in ways but it all just wasn't there and never was going to be.

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6 years ago #4
me
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Honestly? Leave her alone. Move on, find someone else too. Are you jealous that shes doing good with her new bf? Or are you jealous that she moved on as fast as she did? Because you don't seem to feel anything deeper than jealousy and a sense of surprise of her decision.
In your new relationship, work on yourself and try and care more about your new gf.

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6 years ago #5
me
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And yes, she is over you, you're over her too but don't know it yet, or you do, but are a bit jealous, right?Find someone else!

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brokenhearted2310 avatar
6 years ago #6
brokenhearted2310
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i just **** up for 2 months. i still love that girl very very much. does she feel the same way? is this guy a rebound? ill do anything to have her back. if she could just give me 1 chance to prove myself

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #7
Kimberly
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Describe a little of you and her before the last 2 months and your ages, and anything to give a greater picture.

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6 years ago #8
brokenhearted2310
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im 18 and shes 17. we lost our virginity to each other. when i spoke to her last i asked her if she believed it was possible that i could go back to my old self. she assumed i was hitting on another girl, and seemed really interested. she then said i could definitely go back to being who i was. she wore the exact same thing on her first date with this guy as she wore on our first date. and she remembers it.

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6 years ago #9
brokenhearted2310
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before these 2 months. we were perfect for each other. 3 months ago on my birthday she made me a small booklet called 18 reasons why i love u. and she gave me 18 reasons. she also made me 2 coasters, made of shells, with IR written with shells attached to each other (our initials are I and R). is she over me? or is she using this guy as a rebound?

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6 years ago #10
me
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Listen to me. SHE IS OVER YOU. You're SO young,do you really think she is your only gf in your life? Not true, you'll have many more. Stop tripping and find someone else.She likes you, remembers the times you had, but that's all, for now anyway, however, in the future, you can be together, some people meet up like years after and rekindle the relationship. Move on, stop obsessing about her so much at thIS time. If you obsess and try to force her to come back, you'll regret it later, she'll never want to talk to you again, trust me. LET HER GO FOR NOW.

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brokenhearted2310 avatar
6 years ago #11
brokenhearted2310
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please help me out

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #12
Kimberly
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Come on "me," don't be so hard on the guy; he's not a 35 year old who has been hanging on for years and obsessing more than normal. You don't want to destroy him while this is new and he's hurting? He's 18. I wonder if you yourself have some buried issues/pains? Maybe we should talk?

People do sometimes veer off at this age because it's an age and time when we are growing out from the teen and into young adulthood. At this age we are learning and seeing new things in our own self and do you know that different people reflect different parts of "us" back to us? So even if she did wear the same thing it's not the same and never will be.

You are going to have to let her go for now, because you won't do anything but damage if you make efforts. Usually we don't just forget our first big love and while right now she's probably in the euphoric stage with the new experience, she will not just forget you altogether in the long run, because it was special.

You are going to find your own self, that someone else will also make you come alive in a new way, and I can tell you that's pretty much a sure thing. So some things you just gotta know, or take on faith, and have a lively hope that the morning always does come again, and it does, really.

She may pop back up in awhile and she may not. Your best response is to NOT let her see you as a weak and sufferring guy who is just living to wait for the hope she'll come back.

Better for sure to "display" that you have self standards and are a strong man who has self respect and therefore have just picked up and completely turned toward your "own" life and your "own" prospects for "your" happines. She will esteem you more if you do it this way (without any anomosity) and it's the only way to be anytime you just "have to" hope someone might later on come back.

But don't just do it, but mean it! Value your "own" self and life enough to have interest and care in "you" and what's ahead for "you." You really can "talk" your brain into whatever you want it to "feel." Feelings follow thoughts. Find your wholeness within "you"...this amazing person God made you to both be and become and you really can find satisfaction in that that is able to "keep" you.

Good Luck...be strong.

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6 years ago #13
me
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Trust me, this new relationship she has now, is not going to last either. But think about it this way. Let's say she breaks up with him at some point, and she will. But let's suppose you've been obsessed with her and tried to force her to come back and begged and cried, it didn't work. Would you want to come back to someone who not only is acting desperate, but is also agressive and controlling and forcing you to? NO,right.
So please be smart about it, and not impulsive. All you can do now, is just remain her friend and back way off of her,she can come back to you at some point,but if you act in a desperate way now,she won't. In fact, try to act as cool and calm as you can, don't even ask her about her new bf, keep very moderate contact at this time. It's very important, if you want her to come back, the first thing you do,is cut off all contact with her or limit it to minimal. Trust me,it'll work way better.

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night_orchid avatar
6 years ago #14
night_orchid
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No way to tell if she is "rebounding" or not, but if she was feeling neglected for several months before you broke up, then chances are she has been dealing with the ending long before the actual break up happened. The amount of time together is irrelevant; its the quality of time and connection that matters. The fact that she moved on so quickly seems more that she already had this person lined up when your relationship ended. I would suggest for now just giving yourself time to accept that things have ended and try to regain your own self esteem and personal self. Since she has ended things it will be up to her to decide if she wants to come back to you and give you that chance to prove yourself.

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #15
Kimberly
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Thank You "Me," that was more encouraging, and it is the truth of the matter too.

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6 years ago #16
me
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I'm speaking from experience, I was 18 once too. I'm only trying to make him see the point of the matter and not let him **** things up because he wants to act implusive. Sorry, if I tell it too straight, hope it works.

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brokenhearted2310 avatar
6 years ago #17
brokenhearted2310
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not several months just 2 months. and this guy has liked her all along

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brokenhearted2310 avatar
6 years ago #18
brokenhearted2310
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is this guy a rebound?

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #19
Kimberly
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I understand, it's jsut that it can be too much for someone whose never been through what we did so greatly experience to be able to see and feel from this later perspective. I learned something significant once studying psychoanalysis...that if we want people to "really" be able to grab onto what we may see beforre they do, we have to hold it back "until' they are close enough to really grabbing it themself and then they will ahve greater chance of really seeing it. I guess it's because we all ahve to be able to "see" from the perspectives of our own time and place in life. I've seen this alot and how true it is. And only passing things on out of a motive of heart toward you as well. I also do take with humility things people feel to suggest to me so not to be a hypocrite, really.

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6 years ago #20
me
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OMG, no. RIGHT NOW HE IS HER BOYFRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND. STOP ASKING THAT, PLEASE.

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night_orchid avatar
6 years ago #21
night_orchid
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Stop asking if this is a rebound; no one can tell you that for sure. Only she knows but from the sound of things he liked her before and maybe she liked him so while the relationship was unraveling she was considering him as an interest. Time will tell if it works or not but for now it is irrelevant.

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #22
Kimberly
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Not so much a rebound situation at this age usually. Rebound is more often after a long time relationship that had some time of deep bonding. Not saying you didn't ahve deep feelings at all, but at this age it's more about just newly experiencing your new adult life and knowing different people is to many alot a part of that process.

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brokenhearted2310 avatar
6 years ago #23
brokenhearted2310
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do i still have a chance? what should i do?

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6 years ago #24
me
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Yes, you have a chance. You always have. All depends on how you behave right now and in the future and how she feels about you.
Like I said, stop contacting her all together for now. Just live your life, find new things to do, make new friends etc,get busy.
The first rule when you are dumped/break up with someone,and want them back,is to stop all communication with that person. Completely. Might sounds weird, but it works.

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #25
Kimberly
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I agree. Show yourself as if you were an older and quite mature man who has it together and "realizes" your own worth and value so that you are not angry or hostile but because you ahve good self esteem toward your own self, you still see and feel "Life" in you and in your path and are going after it. The very best response ultimatley is to actually feel, believe, and do this! For you and not just out of feeling of dependency on other people for your own sense of wholeness. This would be your utmost chance if ever there was one. Ponder on it.

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6 years ago #26
brokenhearted2310
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how exactly do i go about getting her back?

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brokenhearted2310 avatar
6 years ago #27
brokenhearted2310
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????

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Kimberly avatar
6 years ago #28
Kimberly
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There is no quick fix to get her back. At this point that other relationship is new and euphoric and at this time you can't do a thing that would work. You are seeking the fast road versus the more challenging higher road and it doesn't work in life. You say you ahve changed but you don't just change overnight...the real you in the relationship is still there and the real her that brought about both your responses in the relationship. All the answers have already been written in this thread if you take time to really look at them and process them in your mind and heart.

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brokenhearted2310 avatar
6 years ago #29
brokenhearted2310
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she is a commitment phobic kind of girl. she always needs some1. she starts looking into the future really quick. she is a bit of a drama queen cos this new guy and i have a mutual friend that she's befriending now

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juangtz88 avatar
5 years ago #30
juangtz88
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hey so ikinda went thru the same situation here just we was togueterhr for 3 years and i did flirt wit sum gurls and she found out and for seven moths it was on and off and at the end she found out some one else dats really playing the game right doin evertihg she ever asked me to do. and idk. let me know how uguys turned out???

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