my ex said he needed time and space, which i did not respect...

my ex said he needed time and space, which i did not respect. i pushed harder for commitment and expectations. he wanted to slow things down because we jumped into a heavy sexual relationship and many of his past ones had a pattern of being doomed because of this. we are best friends and share many friends/religious/music activities together. well, i pushed so hard about not understanding the space thing that he freaked and decided he didn't want to date anymore. it has been an intense month and half. he was turned off by whining and crying. i finally pulled away a couple of weeks ago. now we are hanging out much more and builiding our friendship, which is what he wanted from the get go. he said if i wanted the forever thing that i wasn't going to get it in the bedroom. he is now calling me everyday over silly shit, it kind of seems like an excuse to talk to me. when he is upset over things he reaches out to me. i am trying to be the bigger person and act cool. he is older 47, i am 35. i am just going with the flow. hoping he comes back to me. any thoughts?

He's probably thinking about his previous relationships and doesn't want to be involved with only sex. I'd say that it will take at least three to six months for him to think about being with you. Meanwhile, at least he is talking to you and building the friendship, so I'd say he's seeing if you two will get along without pressure.

my intuition told me as much. he saw potential in me as the "one" and me with him. we both are buddhists and heavily involved in our practice, so we have a deep spiritual connection, but a ridiculous sexual one as well. he thought i was too immature to have a relationship with, he said it prevented him for wanting to go balls out with relationship. He has fetish sex addiction issues and we acted out on em. he wants to change and have a true connection, he says we can help each other not act out and build a friendship. I am down for this. He says he has no intention of dating anyone through this period. his last serious girlfriend, which he draws parallels too a lot, broke down when he got weird, same story, crazy sex attraction/games, he gets carried away with the passion and then things get real and he wants time, last girl freaked out and cut him out of his life for good. I told him he was shutting down on me, and he said he wouldn't be talking to me, having me in his inner sanctum(he is an intensely private, ex sorta famous person, has huge trust issues). so, i love him. and am learning to show the real meaning of love by accepting the situation. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now. He says i am not the one, followed by RIGht Now. i hoping things will change.

As long as he's keeping communication open, you won't feel like he's shutting down (more) on you and he will see that you are giving friendship a try. If he suddenly stops talking though, that would be a warning, but you'll just have to see what happens. I doubt that he will have something to say this soon.

yeah. he said to just let i go about the relationship stuff. so policy is no talk about love,future shit. thanks. your insight was awesome.

You're welcome.

hey i have a question. i was hanging out with him yesterday and he was checking his phone in front of me, i happened to see that he has been talking to the girl he was seeing before me, whom he dumped to be with me. i know that he stayed in contact with her throughout our relationship, he was friends with her, i got jealous, i know it is out of line for me to ask if he is dating her again, it has been about a month and half since he decided the no relationship thing. i am not dating anyone and don't really care for it. am i out of line in asking him? we still talk about sexual things with each other, heavy emotional things, confide in each other more than just friends. i don't want to drive him away with more pressure from me.

It would be too early to make that call because they could be flirting and that wouldn't count as dating. You've got to see if it's just contact as usual or if it becomes why he decided on "the no-relationship thing". It would mean building your case before you raise an issue.

i know for certain it isn't the reason right now. but that could change, i know he is serious about finding a life mate, due to his age(47) and the fact that he can't seem to have a long term relationship, the last one was was in ended in 1995, he told me that was the last time he felt anything and that i was the closest he has had to a real relationship since then, all the others, which there have been many because of his ex celebrity bullshit have been weird, dysfunctional, etc, , and she was closer in age to him(41). he is really focused on working on himself so that he can settle down. he always tries to stay friends with ex's. because of our buddhist practice he feels obligated to be there for em. he is kinda the guy girls talk to, i nicknamed him the camp counselor. yeah. i probably should stay mum. he knows i am not dating anyone right now, he notices when other men show interest and gets aloofly jealous, thinks it's my hormones, that i am in my sexual prime and attract attention. i just tell him that this is a time to work on myself so that the right partner will manifest. we kind of are on the same page about this, getting rid of dark desires and crippling fears and helping each other through this. i told him a few weeks ago that i don't see him as friend, and he said if that's the case then i have to let him come to me and not be aggressive. so...

oh and important. he is not in love with me. and he knows i am not the one right now due to my immaturity. he made this succintly clear. he told me he wasn't in love with me when we were going through the breakup talks, initially he wanted a break, then i kept pushing, et voila break up. he even wrote it in his journal that i wasn't the girl for him, like he was angry at me. i was a sneak out of my fear for reading it. which i now regret, but at least i knew his need for space was true, his desire for a real love. he was pissed at my constant nagging and pushing. i get this. so i my back is against the wall and have to just accept and love unconditionally.

he can't seem to have a long term relationship

Well, at least you know the breakup is not because of you.

he is really focused on working on himself

i just tell him that this is a time to work on myself

I guess that's a plus to this situation. I figure that this could work in your favor, even if it's not with him. He will let you know if he wants anything in particular.

i feel like i am in the doghouse. i really did freak out and try to control instead of being cool. he is open to me still which is good, right? so your take would be for me just work on me and be mellow and hope for things to change?

It would be better to work on yourself and not on him. That way, there won't be any issues of control. As for being open, that is a tricky word, but it's better than being closed. Meanwhile, you mentioned that other men have been showing interest, so that could be something to consider.

i am doing the close friend thing. it's been nice, now he calls me back right away, texts me and call me on his own, he is seeking me out again...instead of me pressuring him. we are seeing each other way more than when we dated and it is quality time instead of sex, which is pretty much what we used to do. im open to whatever. i know he is open to building our friendship, that is what we last agreed upon, he is just not open to a relationship now.

Sounds good, although you're probably wondering if you should keep doing this frien thing or not with his ex's contact on your mind, right?

yes. i feel torn. should i big a big girl and value the friendship, or prove myself, OR just go away.

he knows there was real magic between us. if we are meant to be then nothing can stop that. not even ex's. i hope

value the friendship

You don't have to be friends if you don't want to. It could go either way.

prove myself

He chose to break it off, not because you didn't "prove" yourself.

just go away

Well, that depends if you actually want to continue talking to him or not as well as what he's doing while he's talking to you.

hey. i am back. guy has been throwing sexual/flirty stuff back at me, i play back. dunno what's going. he said he was impotent for the last two months, the two months it has been since we broke up. he says he got his mojo back and jerked off to me last week. i was dumbfounded. i thought really? what happened to you not desiring me. what the F***. I know he can get sex from else where real easy. he also has been sending me nice texts, we have been hanging out lots. i haven't mentioned one word about our break up in the last month. suggestions as to my next move?

He is defining friendship strangely. Go with the flow, but don't let it get too heavy on the sex-side because that's how his previous relationships ended.

yeah. i have been going with the flow, being mellow and not nightmare, whiny girl. being independent and laid back, not asking anything from him. he also told me he isn't sleeping with anyone else in the last few months. he know i don't turn off and on in regards to love, so yeah i am going to take it easy on the sex stuff. i don't want to get screwed over again. it was so beyond painful for me. i am going to stay positive. maybe i won't be physically attracted anymore. He told me he even ran into that girl he dumped before me and that she was fat and not doing too good. i laughed, and said i hate her, he said why, because i became her, the dumped part. we both laughed, he said, nah you are NOTHING like her. strange is right!! THanks for you insight, good as usual.

You're welcome.