My ex-wife and I have been divorced for two months now. When the divorce wa...

My ex-wife and I have been divorced for two months now. When the divorce was final, she told me that she was upset with herself cause she divorced me. That she could not bare to look at the papers. We agreed that we were going to work on getting back together. Then she got mad when she found out that I have my own apartment and not trying to beg her to move back into the house. I came over a couple of times to visit but we didn't really talk. She was always getting mad for no reason. Two weeks after the divorce, I called her to ask her out on a date. When her daughter answered the phone, I could hear her and another man in the background talking and laughing. Her daughter told me that my ex was in the bathroom went she clearly wasn't. She grabbed the phone from her daughter and I was her did she have company and she said yes, she can have company. I then asked her is it over and she said yes then hung up on me. I found out later that she started dating a new guy 2 weeks after the divorce. Now I know she was trying to hide the relationship from me, but why? I went over to her brother's house a week later for a game and she was there. We was very pleasant to each other. I got her drinks when she asked me and she told me that I looked nice in my new glasses. later that night, she came home to find her house was spray painted with the words, "trick, ****, Get your own." She texted me "911" I didn't respond. The she called and left me a message saying, "I don't what you did but I think you spray painted my house." I called her and the she told me what happened. That the were boot foot prints in the snow that could be a man's or a woman's and that she was going to stay downstairs for the night. The next morning I text her to see if she was ok and she never responded. she called me later to accuse me of doing it and said to say away from her brothers and that she hated me. Her sister called me a week later that my ex-wife had a letter dropped in her mail a day after te incident written by a woman, saying crazy stuff like live my man alone kind of things. Plus, her car and his car was spray painted. On his car the person called him a "cheater, liar, andshe hated him." She had," get your own man and keep him." This man has great game cause he convienced her that he wasn't cheating on her and that I had something to do with it. Her family knows it wasn't me and they didn't know she was seeing someone else until all this happened. Now from what her sister told me, he started bying her things and she has him at her house all the time. I know after all I said, I want my ex-wife back but I feel this man has a hold on her and she don't want to look like a failer in that relationship. What should I do and is it possible that we can get back together?

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jade avatar
4 years ago #2
jade
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Anything is possible. I think you should be patient. Stay in touch with her family. Let her know you are around but try nothing yet. That other man is a classic rebound and it is only a matter of time until their relationship is over, or so I think. When it is over she may discover you were the better choice and she'd try to get back to you.

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 avatar
4 years ago #3
Aaron
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Are u sure she will try to get back with me? She call me pathetic and I was harrassing her. Told me to stay away from her family and that she hates me. I reminded her of her favorite things. It seems like I got into her head.

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gummybears avatar
4 years ago #4
gummybears
Wiz
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nobody can guarantee you anything.

BUT.

you have nothing to lose now. you are already split. what jade mentioned is probably the best thing to do right now in your situation.

they are still your family... there's no reason why you can't stay in touch with them.

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jade avatar
4 years ago #5
jade
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As Gummy said, there's nothing I can promise but I think there is a chance that things will go this way and even if not, she doesn't own her family and there is no reason to stay away from them too.

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Aaron avatar
4 years ago #6
Aaron
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NEWS FLASH: Tell me what you think...on 2/7/13, I recieved a resticted call @ 12:19am. I did not answer cause usually when she uses her daughter's phone to call me, it comes up restricted. The person left a message but didn't say anything. Sounded like they were just holding the phone. I know it wasn't a bill collector(lol)and everyone I know besides her calls me normally.Then on 3/7/13, @ 11:56pm, I recieved a text saying "Goodnight Davion." Davion is her grandson and he's only 2yrs old so he can't read or owns a phone. So I know It was her texting me that, but my question is why? What do you guys think is going on?

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heartsbreak avatar
4 years ago #7
heartsbreak
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Maybe she is trying to get your attention? Or she made a mistake and sent the wrong text to you instead of her grandson?

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gummybears avatar
4 years ago #8
gummybears
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could be anything, I wouldn't read too much into it.

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jade avatar
4 years ago #9
jade
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GB is right. Ignore ut. If she wants to contact you she knows how to do it in a straight way.

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FLIPPER66 avatar
3 years ago #10
FLIPPER66
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I answered a question similar to someone else but this info (not mine) is extremely good and does work most of the time... however it seems counterproductive but its not because if there is any feelings at all it will bring them to the fore front of the other spouse. I also see this post is almost a yr old as well hopefuly you can still find this info helpful in the future.

its called the 180

MY ANSWER FROM ANOTHER ITE THAT I COPIED AND POSTED HERE also this info can be used for you but was also primarily for couples whose spouse was found cheating on them:

11.Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS (BETRAYED SPOUSE) begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)"(WAYWARD SPOUSE) are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available?(YOU SEEM TO BE READILY AVAIBLE TO HER) for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. (WHICH SHE DOES REASON FOR HER ALWAYS 1ST MAKING CONTACT WITH YOU)
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. (HMM... SEE WERE YOUR BEGGING HER TO COME BACK AND HER PULLING BACK GETS YOU)
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it(AND SHE MUST BE THE ONE TO BRING IT UP IF ITS GOING TO WORK) (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic. (HMMM... READY TO BEG HER TO GET BACK TOGETHER IS BEING THIS)
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you?(SOMETHING WE MEN AT TIMES ACTUAL FAIL TO DO) HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. (REPEAT WASH AND RINSE DON'T BE WHAT YOU WERE BEGGING AND PLEADING FOR HER TO COME BACK VERY IMPORTANT)
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. (YOU DON'T GIVE US MUCH DETAILS AS TO WHY SHE FILED FOR DIVORCE SO SOMETHING WAS GOING ON)
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.(IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT HER BACK THIS IS ESSENTIAL)
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." or what ever reason they chose to leave the relationship that might have nothing to do with an affair.. (Poodlepapa

also if your wife was in an affair before your divorce was final and still married legally she is probably still in the fantasy of the affair she had with this man believe me when I say that as life and its trials come into play she'll come out of the affair fantasy fog quickly and realized what she's done...

the 180 isn't necessarily designed to win back your spouse or girlfriend but to help you pull away enough to make it on your own with out them... however about 60 to 70% times it does work to help wake the spouse out of their fog to realize what they threw away
I hope some of this helped you

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 avatar
3 years ago #11
GT
Guest

She sounds selfish and unstable. She sounds as though she doesn't care about you. If her family likes being around you then disregard her and be around the people you want to. It sounds like you need to move on and establish your life on your own. Life brings on enough drama without dealing with her. Stiffen up your backbone.

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