My girlfriend and I were together for 1.5 years...we moved very quickly bec...

My girlfriend and I were together for 1.5 years...we moved very quickly because we both fell head over heels. She moved into my place 4 months ago and we signed a lease for this upcoming October. The past 2-3 months had been rough. I lost myself for some underlying reasons and instead of fixing myself I dove deeper into my relationship with her. I lost my self confidence, my self respect and ultimately I believe she lost respect for me as well. Party habits really took a toll on me and through that on our relationship. I am protective (older brother of 4 and of 2 beautiful sisters) but I became what she called controlling and jealous. It wasn't outrageous by any stretch but I see now that I didn't trust myself and therefor was unable to trust her/our relationship. She finally ended it 3 weeks ago. She moved out to stay with friends but still has most her stuff at my apartment through end of this month. I have no seen her since we broke up as she asked for time and space. I know she fell deeply in love with the guy I was, but I lost that and have worked diligently to get myself back (FOR ME...but also hoping we can reconcile as I am still madly in love with her) She acted out towards me when I wouldn't see her after the breakup and I have only been respectful of her wishes and accommodating since she broke it off. Next week will be 1 full month of not seeing her and only texting regarding logistics with her stuff and apartment. I plan to reach out and ask to grab a coffee with her. I'm going to let her know what I have reflected upon and how I am working to better myself. I am not going to ask for her back but I have a lot to get off my chest. I see this as an opportunity for closure. If she doesn't want to get coffee it is time for me to completely cut it out of my life and move on. If she agrees to meet but lets me know that she is completely over it and ready to move then at least I will have closure. Does anyone have thoughts on this? I understand there is a lot more to the relationship then I have explained but we are very similar people (love all the same things, everything reminds me of her, etc.) We talked a lot about marriage and having a family and I believe it was genuine. Our relationship became toxic because we both lost ourselves and were unable to fix it while being together and living under the same roof. Thanks for reading.

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Posted on Breaking up
rollyb avatar
6 days ago #2
rollyb
Junior Member
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Sometimes it's like two people are very good with each other, have many things in common and can spend always great time together. But when it comes to the relationship, these two people can change completely, what happened to you both. The reason is mostly that we start to expect a lot from the person (as it is our gf/bf) and we usually take her/him for granted and everything can collapse very easily. I think maybe you moved to fast with everything and it just overwhelmed you both.
I think the breakup was a good decision, instead of hurting each other too much. And you should take it as a very good lesson. Now it's time for you and for rebuilding yourself. It's good you gave her space as she also has to fix all her stuff. If you are sure about yourself now more, I think it's fine to ask her for a coffee. Just remember to not give any pressure and to not expect from her nothing and also know that she can be not ready yet for a meeting. Just be kind to her and show her yourself as a better person. And if she will not be ready to meet - it's okay, you have to respect her decision. And just work on yourself more and more and for yourself, not anyone else. We all make mistakes, get overwhelmed with problems and stuff and then we can hurt someone. But the only thing we can do after is learn and try to change what's bad.

I hope everything will go good for you. Take care and good luck!

pmriley88 avatar
5 days ago #3
pmriley88
Fresh Member
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What you said rings very true to me. I know the breakup had to happen especially if there was a chance to better ourselves and reconcile at some point. She was very upset when we discussed the breakup (told me how much she loved me, how much she cared, how she was hoping this wasn't the biggest mistake of her life) and I believed her. I moved out of my apartment for a week (Monday-Friday) to give her time/space to figure out her next move. (When I got back that Saturday she had gone shopping for a bunch of clothes, tags on, displayed obviously in my closet) Not to be petty but I felt disrespected. I had lived out of a duffel all week so she could figure out her move and instead of taking clothes out of my closet she had gone shopping and left them all there. When she returned from a trip to visit friends that next weekend she ask to discuss the living situation. She had found a 10/1 lease which I found odd considering she had two weeks to find a 9/1 lease and didn't do so. I was going on a trip the following Thursday so that Sunday I told her I wouldn't be around and I would appreciate if she could pack what she needed for the week (Sun-Thurs) until I left for my trip. She took that very hard. Ripped up a picture of us and left it in my room, told me I had shown my true colors, gave me a hard time about the lease (of which I took full responsibility for, sending her deposit to her, getting her off the lease). I was taken aback. I felt I had been nothing but accommodating and respectful of her wishes for time and space. I had left my apartment to give her a week of space and all I was asking for was that in return. She continued to text about petty things for the next couple days to which I only responded when absolutely necessary. Half of the message I didn't feel the need to respond. I guess part of me wanted to show her that I'm not going to grovel and not going to run back and chase her after making this decision. I have gone on a couple dates and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Not being intimate at all and I don't plan on it, but it is a nice distraction. However I want her back and I know this. There isn't a bone in my body that wants to move on. Once I am able to tell her how I feel, then I will have closure either way. If she is unresponsive I believe that will be the time to completely cut off social media, phone number, etc and move forward completely. At this point I am trying to better myself but with the hopes of working it out. If and when we get coffee or are able to discuss in person I am under no illusion that she will want to get back with me. I don't plan on asking for her back. I just want her to know I'm working on myself for myself but also for a chance to makes things right. Thank you for your help.

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rollyb avatar
5 days ago #4
rollyb
Junior Member
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I can only judge the situation from what you are writing. And based on this I have to say you are really good and mature guy and you did it the best way possible. The breakup is not easy at all for any side, when there is still love in there. Of course, she behaved really unfair and immature and this is probably just how she was dealing with a breakup. You know, it is usually a big change to finish something that was with us for a long time. People react in many different ways - some will be calmer and try to rethink all stuff and other will get furious and some even will blame the other person for what has happened.
When my ex-boyfriend broke up with me I got it really bad. I was crying a lot and was really mean to him, hating him at that moment for what he has done to me. He was really calm and this what was making me furious even more, because I thought he doesn't feel this breakup at all. I was texting him a lot for two or three first days and he did the same as you and answered just some of my messages what is totally understandable. Then on the third day when I calmed down, he talked to me and he told me it's better to cut the contact for a while so I can think about everything and so on. And I think it was the best he could do. And the best what you did as well. Keeping the contact while one person is not actually thinking logically is wrong. Because the person is desperate and uses her emotions, not mind.

In my opinion, all that you are doing is good. And I really hope that the life gave you back soon. Hopefully, she changed and understood her mistakes.
I am really curious how you things will go, so please if possible - let me know if she agreed for a coffee and so on!
Good luck

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