My girlfriend has decided she's gay

I just needed to talk about this, somewhere. Let me explain my story (could be a long read)...

Since August 2005 i've been a full time carer for my mother, who is terminally ill with cancer. In the process i lost my business, my girlfriend of 6 years (couldnt take the strain), and my home. And facing the very real prospect of losing my mother

This was a very dark time for me. As a result of losing my girl and by defualt home, i had to move in with my mother full time. Stuck in a very small village, which is beautiful, but full of small minded, petty people. The walls were closing in.

And then imet a girl from Australia, working in a local pub, on her travels round the world. I'm 27, she's 22. There was that immediate spark. Life started to seem bright again. we were friends for a few moths, then finally acknowledged what there was between us, got together, and fell deeply in love. life was good again. When we were still just friends she told me she was bi. Didn't bother me, as im an open minded guy who is comfortable in his own sexuality.This happened in October last year.

We made plans to travel the world, once all this was over for me here. She often spoke of marrying me, and what she would like to name our children. Normally that would send me running for the hills, but for the first time in my life i saw a future with someone. And i felt honoured. I'd never felt such a connection. The physical aspect of the relationship was incredible. I never imagined two people could be so good together, in so many ways. She said over and over how in love she was, and how i was the most special and sexy man she had ever known, and she'd never loved anyone like she loved me.

In mid march she went home to Australia for a few weeks. What i though was a good thing, give us a little time apart. She got back about 11 days ago. We had a wonderful night together. In the morning i could tell something was up, and presumed she was feeling homesick. Then she told me that when she was at home, she came to a realisation. She's not bi, She's gay. Said its been in the back of her mind for a long time, like the bi thing was a sort of buffer. She said a switch has flipped, and her world view has changed.

So sometimes, love just isnt enough. Im naturally very confused. I dont understand how she could be so turned on by me, how she could fall for me, how our lovemaking could be so amazing, if she is indeed gay.

So im back to being alone, caring for my dieing mother, and all the plans we made, my direction and focus, the light at the end of the tunnel, are gone. I thought she was my karmic reward. Not so.

If anyone has any insight into this kind of situation, i'd love to hear it. As im just baffled. What makes it tougher is that i cant even tell people around me why we broke up, i cant talk to anyone about it, as she isnt ready for this to be common knowledge, especially not in a small town like this. And most unfortunately, i'm deeply in love with a gay girl, in a way i never have been before.

Post edited by: astrobaby, at: 2007/04/21 21:37

Post edited by: astrobaby, at: 2007/04/21 21:38

Oh Astrobaby, that's real sad, I'm so sorry for you

Unfortunately these things do happen. Change of mind, doubts that were in someones mind but they tried to disregard them and they come playing up in the end anyway.

If this is her conclusion after she's been away from you then it's presumable that it's a right conclusion. I would say better now than when you were married, but I'm sure that wouldn't sooth the hurt you're feeling.

Hopefully things will go better for you in the near future

Thanks ayngel. You're right, better now than when there is marriage, mortgage, kids and a dog in tow.

But like you say, doesn't stop it from hurting in the now. I'm so profoundly dissapointed (and confused), on so many levels. And i miss her terribly.

She has raised the bar so high now, in terms of how good someone can be for me. It's hard to imagine someone else measuring up, as silly as that sounds.

But it's great to finally be able to talk about it.

Ah Astrobaby, that's how it feels now and you probably think no-one can measure up to her (and I won't be able to convince you either right now ) - but when the hurt and confusion fade a little and you'll meet someone else, that someone else will be the perfect partner.

Take care.

This has just happened to me after 9 years with the love of my life. I'm on the net trying to make some sense of it

I feel for all of you as I'm searching google "my girlfriend is gay"... I have nothing against it but why the surprise,? Why not be open as you should be in a relationship? Maybe She's not ready, she's not sure...BULLSHIT, if she brings it up she knows. Leave her. Be friends if you must but go find somebody else fast. The quicker us men can adapt the healthier it is. I started out nice and sweet, caring...probably the perfect catch but after 15+ years of dating and a few serious relationships all I know is be true to yourself. You owe a women nothing!

Hey man. I feel for you. The same thing happened to me recently. I'm not going to tell you that "There's someone else out there" because I don't believe it myself, and I HATE being told that I'll find someone else by people that don't understand what love is. She was my everything. I'm having to relearn how to live without her. I'm so sorry this happened to you too... I hope it works out man. It's a terrible feeling. Take care of yourself.

Best wishes,

-Mark

Hi Astrobaby, my farther has been diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer, I am fortunate not to be his primary career but I know how hard it must be. I wish you both all the strength.


Next. I am pretty sure my girlfriend is gay after finding she has been looking at lesbian pornography on her computer. I am going to confront her with the issue tomorrow. Might sound a bit crazy but we havent had sex for nearly 4 years (been together for 6) and I have been going crazy, I feel sort of free now. At first I was angry but now I feel free. I have beaten myself black and blue with blame and now I feel free.

I do feel like I have been taken for a ride! I do feel like I am some sort of cover story for her! I feel like I have wasted 6 years! I do feel angry! However, I feel like since being with here my life has improved no end and I feel like she is the best woman in the universe... but I also continually felt like the bad guy. I think she has committed a very selfish act and I know it is something she would do.

We live together, we have cats and fish, ginea pigs, gerbil. We are looking at buying a house, we are engaged to get married. I have given up my life trying to love her but I dont think I ever truly fell in love, I think this is the reason why. We always seemed to miss some sort of chemistry. I think I know why.

So there we go. Feeling free is as good a feeling as I am going to get out of this. I'm sorry for everyone who has been through a similar situation.

well well.This is nuts.What is it with these stupid females?honestly.I know fifteen of my friends whos girlfriends turn gay on them.What the fuck happened to these women now adays?I'm so sorry for you and I know how you feel man.Because the same thing happened to me.Hear me out if you can, send me a message on myspace.my name is brendan shinn and my picture has me and the girlfriend who turned gay on me on it.I want to hear more.Hey you seem like a good person and i would like to be your friend.We have something in common.and that thing is what braught me here.My girlfriend was everything to me.I keep having dreams of me and her getting married and she says,'I do".why does this only exist in my
dreams?But hey,keep your chin up man.I know it's going to be hard to understand why the love of your life is just another gay person.And you will get another.If you look hard enough,I believe you can do anything!


TAKE CARE BUDDY AND MESSAGE ME ON MYSPACE OK

hey buddy this is brendan again.Well, I seen your myspace and it doesn't look like i can talk to you on any other website but this one.That sucks!!!But anyways, maybe we can talk some more about what happened if you just give me a call my number is, (423) 228-2989 feel free to chat any time buddy!

I dont know if my girl is gay or not... but tonight she is over her friends house. They both have great men in their lives, but choose to spend private time together. My girlfriend seems to be madly in love with me. But I cannot trust her around this woman. What are the warning signs? I am in the same boat as you guys. We talk about a "family" and "marriage". But I cannot set myself up for being hurt.

Any advice from the fellow men out there?

Am not a man but I can share something with you.
My ex brother in law got married had 3 kids. Great career. Had everything that we all want going for him.
His marriage ended. She found someone else. The marriage wasn't right for her. Something was missing. She suspected his homosexuality before he even did.
He finally found himself and is in a gay relationship. He is happy now.
I think that for some they just don't know and find themselves later. No intention of hurting you at all.
Watching lesbian porn does not mean a person is gay either lol. Maybe it is because watching hetrosexual porn is a turn off. I am not gay but lesbian porn seems a bit more real not the oos and ahhs of give it to me baby stuff.
Lol now i sound like i surf porn, I do not. Just for me the hetro stuff is really fake. Things that make you go hmmmmm.

Andy maybe look at it a bit differently. Maybe it's her sexuality thats the problem. Not every woman can be sexually stimulated and they don't know why. If you guys have hardly any sex and for so long there is a problem. Counselling may help this for you both.
Very hard for many to openly discuss with each other. Usually to do with our upbringing and not being comfortable with our selfs. Example... look in the mirror and feel unattractive, maybe because your over weight and feel unattractive, maybe you don't make her feel attractive, maybe she doesn't make you feel attractive, could be a many reasons. Try not to confront her, maybe try to talk to her gently.

man, same thing happened to me last night. Love of my life had a change of heart. Still loves me but simply isn't attracted the same way. We had the best sex and it just doesn't make sense at all how she could be gay. What to do right.

here m8 this just happed to me last night she love me soo much but she finds women the thing she wants i am a brpcking man but i love her a told her i will help in every way its weird but a know things will pick up it will take time

I feel for all of you, I'm going through this right now. Below is my story, sorry if it's long, but I had to talk to someone. And There is only ONE support network for the spouses, yet millions of support for the homosexuals themselves.

We have been together for almost 7 years in total. We had one year of seperation following me being diagnosed with PTSD(Post traumatic stress disorder). I was a complete mess during this time, sitting on antidepressents and shrink visits, watching my life float on by and powerless to have any impact on it's direction. I never blamed her for leaving me, as a girl of 22 would struggle, and I doubt I would of done differently in her shoes.

A year later we make contact, and she says she wants to try and get back together. I had made many changes in my life, my treatment was working well, no antidepressents of any kind, and I was as much myself as I could realisticly hope to be. Her friends addored me and had been pushing her to get back together with me. Life became happy again, we moved in together and lived as close as anyone I know. Love it seemed had not left us at all. 3 years of happiness later, she discovers she has gall stones, and it takes a year on waiting lists to have her gall bladder removed. Complications arose with the operation and she died on the operating table twice, however thank God they revived her. Following the operation, and a short time before, about a year in total, she starts distancing herself from me. Spending time almost completely with her two best friends, (the one's who pushed us together again). They happen to be a lesbian couple, which I hold no ill conceptions or emotions for.

I became extremely jealous because she stoped referring to me with terms of endearment and stopped giving expressing her love for me, all I get is Glenn. However her two best friends recieve "babe", "honey", "darling", "sweetheart" of which I never hear. I talked to her about these feelings I have and she says it's just harmless flirting. It may of been harmless if it wasn't done in front of me, when I get no such treatment, yet dispite my feelings, she continues it. I am not an angry man, not violent nor otherwise. She starts to change everything about herself, clothing, hair, perfume and I get a sick feeling in my stomache. An aching sense that she may be becoming a lesbian and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I was praying it was the operation that was making her feel this way.

One night I'd had enough, and I cornered her in the computer room, (the only way to because she had been avoiding any hard conversation from me.) She burst in to tears and we had a very intimate discussion. She said she believed she is bisexual and that she was very scared. I was kind, compassionate and there for the woman I love more than anything on the planet, even though this tore me appart. She said she still loved me and that we could make our relationship work. I have been there for her every time she needed me, but she changed suddenly one day and for about a year pushed me away, distancing herself again, and reverted back to the same treatment I had been recieving prior to this discussion. I felt I was a burdon on her life, and was always in the way. She never wanted to spend time with me, just her friends. I suggested a holiday, over easter and she agreed, and took time off work so that we could go.

On the night of the 31st of March she sat down with me and utterly destroyed my heart. She told me she loves me, but she's "not in love with me". I asked her how long she'd felt this way and she told me about 6 months. I am still devistated to this day. The holiday she had promised had actually been organized for her to spend time with her best friends, and I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I feel used, abused and thrown away. This very same night she said she knew it was cruel and harsh but she still wants to be friends, (after a relationship spanning nearly 7 years).

I feel everything we had together was a lie. I asked her why did she treat me this way when she'd known for so long. She said she did it to try and get me to break up with her, which again tore and still tears me appart. She told me not to hate her friends, (who got the best of her over the last year and I got nothing). I feel cheated, even though she claims she hasn't slept with anyone she got all of my love and I got none of hers. How could someone treat their partner so cold, cruel and heartless.

We now live in seperate rooms, as the lease doesn't expire until June. Once this happens we'll go our seperate ways. I am at rock bottom emotionally now, and the pain I feel is nothing like I have ever experienced, and it won't go away. I spent 2 days this week crying like a girl, and I'm sore all over from it, and it hurts to swallow. When she see's me this way I see no emotion on her face. She asks me what's wrong as if she doesn't know why I'm hurting, which hurts me more. I explain all my feelings to her, everything, and she paused. She said "I'm sorry your hurting, but I have a right to happiness too". She says she needs to "discover herself". In a moment of hurting rage, I said "well you better discover yourself and short yourself out before you do this to someone else!".

I can't afford to move out just yet, and I live on an appropriate disability pension currently because of my PTSD. I am in so much pain, and I can't see my psych until a week away. I don't know what to do, and I want to understand what she's done but I can't, and I can't help but feel like the victim here. hurt, broken, betrayed. I want to still be in her life, but I feel I can't forgive her for what she's done. Time heals all wounds but can it heal wounds twice?

The warning signs I've learned from this are :

1) No sexual appetite
2) No terms of endearment used, but are used on others.
3) No affection (kisses and cuddles become chores)
4) No time with you, spent all with her friends
5) Deminished household responsibilities (i.e. helping clean)
6) Flirts openly with friends/people claims its harmless
7) Doesn't like to be spooned or decides to sleep in a seperate bed altogether
8) Doesn't want to be there for you when you need her.
9) Constant lying, can't look you in the eye
10) Change in clothes/tastes, starts watching different shows. Mine watched "The L Word" for example.
11) Starts to shutoff contact with her family more than usual
12) Sudden urge to get fit/diet

Hope those are of some help

In addition, I wouldn't go and find someone quick, because you'll end up hurting them, and wanting them to be the person who you've just lost, which isn't fair to them or you. You'd effectively be doing what's just been done to you.

All I seem to be able to do is spend as much time with friends/family and let time take it's course.

those signs arnt real my ex asked me to marry her but then she broke up with me out of the blue,she told me she couldnt take it anymore that she was gay and had to except it... and I fucking hate it i loved her and i thought she loved me but she fucking lied to me everyday.

Look, as far as this lesbian pornography; alot of women fantasize about being with other women. But it's just a fantasy. However, some women do realize they're gay, and in most cases there are a wide range of psychological issues associated with it.

Most women know they're gay as a kid, but for someone to realize it later on in life is usually not sure of anything. Either way, she's interested in women, so what's to think about ? As hard as it is, you'll be happier later on when you find someone else. Acceptance is a bitch sometimes, but try not to rationalize it, just find someone who is what you want and stop focusing on the someone you don't. Good luck.

B