My girlfriend of four years broke up with me

Hello all. I was looking around online looking for forums dealing with relationships as my girlfriend broke up with me just 12 hours ago. I'll post my story here.

My name is Alex and I'm 27. And I have been going out with a girl named Sonya (shes 22) these past four years. We genuinely love each other until the last six months when she started losing feelings for me. I was unaware of this until a few days ago when we had a minor argument which escalated into her telling me she lost feelings for me for the past half year and things went down from there.

Now to understand this relationship, I'll start off with me. I'm not a sociable kinda guy meaning I don't have any close friends at all. Theres a few guys I know from work but thats pretty much it. Also I don't tend to talk to anyone about my feelings or life in general to anyone other than Sonya. Because of this shes begun to feel pressured since I devote too much time to her and I expected her to respond in kind. I also get jealous a little too easily when I see her talking with other guys.

After that argument we had last Wednesday, I went over to her place on Friday to try to apologise and clear things up. We ended up talking and she agreed to give me another chance if I made some close friends so she wouldn't feel so pressured. And since I don't socialise, to try and go out and do something, join a club etc. I agreed and I thought I had at least one last chance.

On saturday, while I was at work, she came by, dropped a letter off at my place and hasn't returned my calls ever since. In the letter she said she only told me that on Friday just to get me out of the house since I didn't look like I was going to leave unless she lied and told me she'd give me another chance. She says shes lost her feelings shes had for me these past six months and that it would be agony to prolong the relationship. In the letter she wrote she wants to me single again and that for the longest time shes put my needs before her's and for her to be happy she has to leave me.

Needless to say, I broke down while reading the letter. No sleep either of course.

In the morning, I decided to write a letter myself and dropped it off at her place. I said that I would not give up on her, and that I would actively change and better myself and that I would send her a letter like this every week or so in the hope that once she sees me change she may take me back.

Have I done the wrong thing sending her letters like this? Shes the anchor in my life and I am dead serious about genuinely changing. I can't imagine life without her. I don't know how I can cope. She asked that I not call her or visit her and if I do she won't answer, I've already succumb to calling her a few times. She cancelled my calls and turned her phone off ...

I am desperately in need of advice. I feel so alone in this world.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Hello Alex,
I wanted to tell you that reading your posting reminded me of what I was going through six months ago. My ex-boyfriend was the person I went to for everything. A month before we made an official 4 years, he broke up with me. Saying that we had an unhealthy relationship and it would be best if we didn't speak anymore. After a lot of personal reflection, I realized that it was truly unhealthy. Not only did we focus all of our energies on the relationship and each other, we also created a dependency that didn't let either one of us grow. He wanted me to make new friends so some of the pressure would be off of him. I, naturally being anti-social, did not know how to do that. Eventually, something triggered our break-up that I would say was rather small too.
Calling her, writing her letters, e-mailing her are all things that will show her you haven't changed. Believe it or not, a clean break is what you need. I don't even care about her feelings. What I care about is what you need to feel better. In reality, it is the complete opposite of what you think you need. You do not need her to survive. Take out a pen and paper, write down the hobbies, things you enjoy, things you were never able to do, and get going with your life. Start scratching some of those things off your list. I had to go see a therapist for 3 months before I started to feel more complete about my life. Whether or not you believe in therapy is up to you, I am just sharing with you what worked for me. You can't have a relationship when you can't fill the emptiness with yourself or doing things alone and by yourself. You can't have a relationship where your only friend is your significant other. The right girl will come, one that is impressed by your love and loyalty. My ex-boyfriend didn't value me and if we still talked, (which we never did speak again after the break-up) I would thank him for doing me a favor. I was going to marry someone who didn't understand or appreciate my qualities. That is the truly sad thing in life. Do you really want to be with a girl who doesn't understand you? That you have to send letters to? That you have to convince? Which by the way you will never be able to convince her to believe you, I made that mistake.

Now, if at the end, you two are able to sort things out then I only wish you the best. But my advice about branching out and finding things that make you happy still stands. Do not rely on one person to make you happy. Rely on yourself to make your life work. In the meantime, maybe inviting some family that you are close with to spend some time with you the next couple of days would be optimal. It is hard to do things alone at first but if I could get the hang of it, so can you. I want to apologize if this message is too rough for you. I want to be direct and tell you the truth. By the way, these are the things I did, little by little to move on:

1. Erased his number
2. Collected all the things that reminded me of him and put them in a box ( I removed the box and put it in storage, the next step is to dump it) This took a while because I had to replace a lot of things.
3. I called the family members I felt like I could trust and took the risk and told them.
4. Started hanging out with co-workers and peers from school.
5. I started bowling and playing volleyball, but pick any sport you like and join a community team or league
6. MAKE the jump and start saying hello to people and make conversation with strangers even. In the grocery line, at a coffee place. Us anti-social people need practice in talking with others. This is a learned skill for us.
7. Have a game plan when you are feeling down.
8. Have some sort of mantra or quote on your fridge or at your desk reminding you everything is going to be ok ( mine was "Be Patient" and "Nobody's Perfect"
9. Get out of your house or apartment, go to a library or a bookstore or the movies. DO NOT SEE ANY ROMANTIC MOVIES. Walk the mall.
10. Treat yourself to something. Candy, chocolate, new pair of shoes, a book...something.
11. Plan out your day where at the end of it you are soooooo exhausted that you don't have time to think of relationship issues.
12. DO NOT CALL HER, every time you feel the need to call her, call someone else.
13. Remind yourself that you are worthy of someone that actually understands you. Have hope or faith in yourself.
14. When you stop concentrating on her, you will find resolution but not now.
15. If your relationship does not end up working out, do yourself a favor, print this out and use it as a checklist.
I don't even know why I am writing this to you. I just feel like I need to.

-Jay

Wow! Thank you so much for the insightful answers you've provided. I feel better knowing someone else who has been through what I am going through take the time to give me such good advice. You have my eternal gratitude Jay.

Your relationship sounded so much like mine its almost scary. 4 years, and we did depend a lot on each other since she didn't have many friends either. We relied on each other in university since we didn't know anyone else to the point that we didn't make any friends there. Like you, we ended up spending all our energies towards each other and didn't grow. We only talked to each other and no one else. To this day I didn't really feel any pressure from this but I guess she started feeling it half a year ago.

I wrote a letter and delivered it to her house hoping to see her one last time. I was a fool to expect that of course, her little sister who never liked me answered instead after I stood on the doorsteps for five minutes waiting, Just took my letter and closed the door.

Initially I was thinking of trying to contact her nonstop since the way she broke up with me was very indirect (via a letter dropped off at my house when I was at work). I felt that I needed closure. The last time I actually talked to her, she said she would give me one last chance to work things out together. Apparently she only said that to get me to leave her house, otherwise I probably wouldn't have.

After talking with some friends I've decided to go with the no contact rule, and try and slowly heal. Like you said, try to get with friends and do so much stuff that you won't be thinking about her 24/7. Get on with life, thats what im going to try and do now. I had stopped going to the gym but now its going to be like sweet sanctuary for me. Planning on going with a friend there every two days now, and just sweat it out. Might even start going back to church again meet more people.

No more trying to get into contact with Sonya. I'm going to try my damn hardest not to weaken. If she calls me, all well and good. But I'm not going to look desperate. Women like strong men, and the best way to win her back is to not think about her I think. Thank you for confirming that I shouldn't try to contact her. Either move on by focusing on other things or wallow in self-pity pining for her.

Medicine is suppose to taste bitter, and I'm thankful you are here to help me out. You sound like a really nice person to get along with.

In my first post I think I mentioned about sending her letters once a week, I've decided not to do that now. Your checklist is very helpful, number 12 in particular I'm using several times already. I ended up calling the one or two friends I have instead of calling Sonya. I've still got her photo sitting on my desk though, might be a while before I can get rid of that.

Again, I am very grateful for your help. How is life for you at the moment?

Hey Alex!

It is funny how there are similarities between what you are going through and what I already went through. Some other similarities include:
1. My ex-boyfriend's sister didn't like me either. lol
2. There was a 5-6 age difference between me and my ex.
3. I never got closure either. My ex dumped me over the phone. But at the end, you have to give yourself closure. It is about you.

I am glad you feel better. Just remember you will have some really high points and really low points until you heal. The idea is to be strong for you; never for her. Thank you for asking about my life.
Currently, I am single and I am enjoying scratching things off my list. I am trying to train for a 1/2 marathon come October but it is proving difficult. Believe it or not, I found people that understand me more than my ex ever did. (People I never expected)
Some things I actually did that I never did before:
1. Fishing off the 7-mile bridge in the keys
2. Dragon Boat Racing
3. Canoeing to an island and back
4. Going to New York on a whim- saw my first Broadway show!
5. Wine tasting-
They may not seem much to other people, but it has been an eye-opening 6 months for me. Planning short excursions and doing something new always brings a smile to my face. I couldn't really see myself back to where I was, in an unloving, unhealthy relationship. I gave so much of myself to it that I didn't know myself at the end. I didn't know what made me happy because I was used to making him happy or doing things for the relationship. When we first broke up, I thought that it was temporary. I thought he would call or write me. I waited and waited. Hardest thing to realize was that he didn't want me anymore. After coming to that realization, I understood I really didn't want him anymore either. I was just hanging onto to it because it was familiar and I was afraid of being in the unfamiliar.
Be strong! You are not alone, you are not alone, you are not alone.

Again, I don't know why but I am being very open about this...

-Jay

Well its been 10 weeks since it all began and a few things happened during this period. I feel the need to post here if only to unburden myself.

I know initially I was going to go with the no contact rule but after a week of no contact I couldn't keep it up and ended up emailing her saying I would still like to talk to her and be friends. Thinking back it was way too soon to contact her let alone sending her an email like that. I knew I was just trying to get her back but I kept lying to myself that I just wanted to be friends.

So, she unblocked me from her MSN and we talked, as friends. Inevitably every time I talk to her would end up with me begging for her to come back. We met up face to face for 'closure'. Because she felt too guilty she couldn't tell me she wanted to end it. I wasn't of help either, I ended up talking her into coming back. Needless to say I was so happy. Big mistake.

Few days later she emails me and tells me she can't go through with this. Blocks me on facebook/msn again.

Now comes my shining moment of stupidity. Instead of learning from this I REPEAT the whole procedure again. Emailed her about wanting to be friends, met up, talked her into coming back, then she broke off with me again via email. Feels like shes stabbing me, bandaging me back up, and stabbing me again.

I feel like I'm losing my mind from all these reversals. However I should say that I've been going out and trying new things. I started talking to some old friends again and making a few new ones. Went fishing a few times with a few friends, I started going to the gym three times a week with a friend (been going for over two months now), and going to church every two weeks to socialise. In the beginning I made these changes to show Sonya that I can change hoping she will take me back. But as time passed I realised that doing these things are also for my own benefit, though that didn't stop me from doing all those stupid things I mentioned earlier.

For the past three weeks now I haven't contacted her. But yesterday I succumb and wrote her an email about wanting to just stay as friends, which I really mean this time. I have done a lot of soul searching these past few weeks and I have come to the realisation that even though I'm not her boyfriend anymore I still want her to be happy and that I wish from the bottom of my heart that she would stop feeling guilty about me, otherwise she wouldn't be able to move on.

I know I still want her back, but I'm not going to bring up the topic to her again. She knows how I feel. I have to show her I can be independent of her, that I can take care of myself and that I won't collapse just because shes not my girlfriend anymore.

What I want to ask is, am I doing the right thing? I read from a lot of people here that the best thing to do is to break off all contact with her. I tried that, and I just couldn't do it. Is this the only viable option for me? Half my friends think that I shouldn't talk to her unless she talks to me first. The other half thinks its okay for me to keep talking to her as a friend. The problem is I'm always thinking about ways to get her back, even though I told myself I wouldn't bring up that topic again (unless she brings it up of course). What should I do? I know I'll keep thinking about her even if I'm not in contact with her. She means the world to me.

I should also say that right now I'm just waiting for a reply from her. She sent me one a few hours ago saying that shes read my email and that shes going to reply tonight or within the next few days.

Well, still no reply from her yet. The fact that I'm waiting like this and thinking about her every second means I'm definitely not over her. I try to go out and do other things but shes always foremost on my mind. I wish there was some way I can just totally forget about her, I miss her too much and its killing me.

Maybe you're thinking that cutting contact off is too big of a move, but it's related to what led to the breakup:

shes begun to feel pressured since I devote too much time to her and I expected her to respond in kind.

The problem is that she and you have different tolerances for communication. It could be a chicken-or-the-egg situation where she lost interest first, which made the desire for communication one-sided, or maybe the it was the different communication preferences that led to the reduced interest. Either way, she doesn't want to talk to you! I don't know how long your e-mail was, but if you wrote a letter, you have to back off all contact until she replies, or you'll be pressuring her again. It's extra hard because she doesn't seem to mind the three-week silence while you've been beating yourself with it, but it is better being punished every time you contact her. If any of this leads to reconciliation, it has to be her decision because she said yes when you kept urging her to say it, and that's not the same thing.

Yeah, you two were together for four years. I am not ignoring that. However, don't drive yourself mad over her. Jay's list above is good, but I understand that you want to have something, not get rid of more. I find that it helps to write what you want on paper. It will help you to worry less and also be guided by a map of what makes you happy. Try it.

Thanks Guy. I know that everything you say is true. My best friend pretty much told me the same thing. I find that its hardest when I'm by myself at home, I end up thinking of all the good times we've shared and everything we've done together. I end up looking through photos even though I know that is a really bad idea, especially when I'm trying not to think of her.

I feel I should print out all advices I'm getting onto paper and just read them over and over again when I'm feeling down, or tempted to email/contact her. I know I shouldn't pressure her like this but its so hard not to contact her. I'm really trying not to drive myself mad over her like you said, its been almost three months now and the hurt still feels so fresh. I guess I just have to deal with it as best I can.

I won't contact her again unless she contacts me, I mean she did say she will email me back and its only been a little over three days. My email wasn't that long actually, only a third of a page or so. But you're absolutely right with the communication issue. I shouldn't force her to reply, if she replies it needs to be because she wants to, not because she feels guilty. I did mention in the email that I hope she stops feeling guilty over this as I do love her, and because I love her I want her to be happy.

Hey Alex how are you holding out? Not too well I see. I suppose you have figured out she is gone for good by now,right? Getting her back is a very bad move as you have discovered. Once a woman leaves you,even if she does come back she will never feel the same as she once did. Once attraction sinks to the level where they leave you it will neve reach a level high enough to sustain a fulfiled relationship. This is why you can never take a woman back once she leaves you. When you are in the ring with Ali and he knocks you out in the first round only a fool would get back in a second time! Obviously most men are complete fools when it comes to woman! Why are we made this way? No matter,we are what we are. This thing was destined for doom from the git go. You made her the whole of your life. Big mistake. A woman does not wish to be that. She only wants to be a very important part of it. You have low self esteem and need validation from others to feel like you have value. Jealous? Jealousy is rooted in fear. Fear of loss. That tells me you are not confident in yourself because confident men do not feel jealousy. I am getting the idea that you are a people pleaser. Always afraid you shall offend. It is no wonder she left you as I also get the impression that you are an appeaser. Who are you Neville Chamberlain or what? You see what appeasment got him don't you? Appeasers get no where and they never ever get the girl. I am sorry about your situation but all you can do is learn from it and move on. A little older a little wiser they say. Great that you are working on yourself. Hitting the gym will surly help. Nothing like a little testosterone pulsing through those veins to make you feel like a man. Now it is time to start acting like one. Begging? surely you jest. What kind of man reduces himself to begging? I'll let you answer that one. This is just one more example of why she left you in the first place! She left you because she sees you as weak and women cannot feel attraction for weak men. Not going to happen. Begging and groveling is disgusting behavior to a women. It never ever works so let this be your last time. If you did have any chance with her (which you did not) You put the nail in your own coffin with that behavior! A woman can feel nothing but distain for a weak groveling jellyfish. Next time you see her ask her for your spine,you may need it in the future! O.k. I think you get my point. I'll stop beating up on you as I believe you have most of this figured out by now. I believe you know why she left and have realized that she is not coming back. How to prevent this in the future? Easy,always keep the woman in pursuit of you and never let her get to comfortable with her relationship. You always have to "remind' them that they are the fortunate one because you chose them. Of course you do not say it you do small things to make sure they figure it out themselves,that way it is their idea,not yours. When you go to a resturant or bar flirt with the waitress! Flirt with every woman you see in front of them! I do not mean to the point of being rude. Just look at them with big eyes,make some insane remark that most men would never have the balls to say and act a bit of a bad boy. Banter and converse with every woman you run into. Say witty things,smile and make them laugh. Do it shamelessly right in front of your woman! Never be submissive always be aggressive. Submissive is for wussies,not men. Keep her pursuing you at all times. If you ever break this rule you are destined for doom. Once you stop it is only a matter of time till her attraction dies! When you start putting her on a pedistal and engratiating yourself to her she will quickly lose all attraction for you. Women cannot stand needy men. Are you needy? Me thinks so alex. Very,very unattractive behavior. What is a woman attracted to? A man that does not need them! The less you need them the more they have to have you! Of course even if you marry them this will never happen because you will forever keep them trying to "get" you. It is like the carrot and the horse,it is right there but you can never quite reach it. Most men never figure this out as it is far to simplistic. Don't end up like they do. Get this down early and the world is at your feet. If you ever let the woman get the upper hand you are finished,stick a fork in you ,you are done! Did you not notice that the harder you tried the less attraction she felt for you? And stop with those stupid "love" letters they are making you look like a complete fool. Which,of course,you readily admit to. Those things never ever work so I cannot understand why anyone would ever write one. The lovely Sonya is gone my man,and she is gone forever. The only thing left to do is to be sure that you leave with a little dignity. Do you want her last memory of you to be you on your hands and knees begging like an animal for scraps of her affection? Just the thought of that should send chills up your spine,it sure does mine. Personally,I would rather put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger than to reduce myself to begging for validation from another human being. That is just so damn lame! Alright,now that I thrashed you for playing the fool let me say that "this to shall pass" Nothing is forever except death. One day you will look back on this and say,what a dunce I was! And you shall laugh about it and say,"that was the last time I did that"! You will get over this. I know it doesn't feel like it now but when you are old you will look back and laugh. Hang in there dude and soon it will all be just a bad memory. You will meet a new woman,play your cards right and end up happily ever after. In the meantime keep working on yourself as we could all stand some self improvement. You have a decient attitude about it and that is half the battle. Perception really is reality. I suspect you are going to do just fine. You really need to get back in the game and start seeing other women as soon as possible. Nothing like a hot sexy woman to make you forget the last one(what was her name anyway)? Sweetie,grab a beer,come to daddy,and make him forget that other woman. I believe I am already begining to forget! As long as you keep obsessing over her and do not see anyone else this thing will drag on and on. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back in the game! Let's get this party started,pronto. Now pick yourself up and let's get er done. Good luck and God bless...Joeschmo

I gotta say, the first time I read your reply Joeschmo I was more than a little shocked. Those verbal abuse you gave me got me angry for a while but re-reading it several times I understand it all a bit better now.

Shock therapy. I needed it and you gave it to me. Thank you very much for those home truths. Deep inside I already knew it was all over but I just couldn't face it. Having other people tell me helps bring me back to reality. Most of what you said is true but I just want to clarify some points. I'm definitely not an appeaser or people pleaser of any kind. Actually in real life I'm a pretty quiet and cold person. I don't talk much and I don't really socialize much either. Sonya was one of the select few who understood me, which is why letting her go has proven so hard. I don't usually beg, I know how disgusting that looks and your self-respect is just gone. But at the time all it mattered was to try anything I can to get her back.

A friend of mine said something similar to you. He said a relationship should be like a tug of war, you gotta pull back and let her come to you, maybe once in a while you move towards her so she thinks shes in control then you pull back as strong as ever. I wished I had acquired such gems of knowledge before, otherwise I wouldn't be going through this now.

I do hope one day I can look back on this and laugh about it. Thank you for your words of encouragement man. I WILL stop obsessing over her. I must. I have to look after myself and I won't be able to look myself in the mirror knowing someone can do this to me. You know, I even fantasized about doing acts of revenge on her but that is simply too juvenile. The best revenge is to live well as they say.

I would be grateful for any other advice you can give me on things I should do now Joeschmo. Also, can you still be friends with an ex? I would love to hear your thoughts on that if you have the time. Thanks!

-Alex

I can relate...my fiance split with me 3 weeks before we were to be married, I have a hard time eating, sleeping....and thinking about dating anyone else breaks my heart. The worst is thinking about her being with another man....that breaks me down.

However, life goes on.....do what you need to do and set goals to achieve, that will get you re-focused and more healthy mentally.

You are not alone my friend....it is hard, but be strong!

Just another update to my current situation. Its been another couple of months but my feelings towards her is still there. We still talk online on MSN but thats about as far as it goes. I've been very careful to just talk to her as a friend and nothing further but its hard sometimes.

What I want to ask is, her birthday is coming up in a little less than two months. Should I actually get her a present and mail it over to her? Or should I just say happy birthday to her online and thats it. And if I get her a present of some kind, then what gift would be suitable?

As always thanks to everyone for your support =)

You run the risk of overdoing it if you go for a gift. If you insist on one, think of a gift that you'd give to anyone.

I just wanted to thank Jay, I was just randomly reading and this checklist is the best advise I have read ( even though it wasn't directed at me). Alex I wish you the best of luck as I am going through a very similar situation at the moment!!