My Husband And I Just Can’t Let Go Of Our Ex’s

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The man I used to love contacted (my ex) me the other morning. First of all, he wanted to know if my wedding was still on (what a silly question). Of course I told him it was. Then, he suggested my fiance might call off our wedding the last minute because he’s not over his ex (Yeah, right). I told him that wasn’t going to happen even though he might not be over his ex.

Well, Gerry (name changed) and I were married this past Saturday, March 9, in spite of of my ex’s protestations.

What REALLY got to me was when my ex started talking about the nasty, vindictive woman who caused me to break up with him in the first place, indicating that the two of them are still in contact, probably hoping to make me jealous. Although I was seething inside, I didn’t give my ex the satisfaction of reacting to what he said about her. After all, I don’t want to make him think he still has the ability to make me jealous. It wasn’t even that I was jealous. I was more angry than anything else because, if it hadn’t been for this low-class, promiscuous, nasty woman, I probably would still be with my ex to this day. Then again, I’m sure you will all remind me of the fact that she wasn’t the only reason I broke off with him.. .that the breakup involved other women (real or imagined) as well as disrespectful remarks and the fact that he never tell me ”I love you”. The reason I’m talking about “imagined” women is that, now that my ex and I are no longer together, he isn’t intimately involved with anyone else. I suspect at least 3/4 of the women of whom he had spoken were made up in order to either make me jealous or to make me believe he was a great catch. The trouble is that his strategy backfired miserably.

My ex and I had a rather bland conversation and that was it. However, on the day before our wedding, Gerry called HIS ex. They were supposed to get together that day... imagine that they were planning on meeting the day before our wedding. Here again, I didn’t react particularly strongly... I just reminded my husband-to-be that the weather was going to be inclement and that I would find it mighty strange if he would go to see his ex in a snowstorm... he didn’t go. The weather won.

All I can say is that the two of us sure have persistent ex’s who don’t want to be ex’s and that we ourselves have mixed feeings about our ex’s. My new hubby and I are in a Catch-22 situation because, the more he stays in contact with HIS ex, the more I see nothing wrong with staying in contact with MY ex. And, after a while, it becomes a contest of wills.

I realize, when people get to be my age, they usually have some “baggage”, but, considering that neither me nor my husbande ever had children with our ex’s, I find it troubling that our ex’s are still playing such a major part in our lives.

Both Gerry and I have other ex’s from the past with whom we have absolutely no contact. And that’s the way things usually happen. And, we are both widowed and we both were married for almost 25 years prior to the death of our respective spouses. And yet, we both have regular contact with our most recent ex’s, which causes me to constantly question the sanity behind our having married each other. I say a prayer each and every day that in time our love will grow stronger and that we won’t be in such regular contact with our ex’s. It hasn’t happened yet!

The other odd thing is that Gerry and I have regular arguments with our ex’s and, during those periods, we go to No Contact with our ex’s.. then, someone apologizes and the cycle begins all over again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that some people remain in our lives for a reason. I have yet to figure out what the reason is that both my husband and I have not truly broken off with our ex’s. Are we trying to hold onto someone in case our marriage fails? Or, are we still partly in love with our ex’s?

I am sure many people marry on the rebound. I’m sure many people who marry still have lingering feelings for someone else.

Right now, I am just praying on it. I’m hoping that in time we will have some answers. I wanted to marry Gerry, but I was scared at the same time. Gerry keeps reassuring me that he loves me and he calls me his “gorgeous gal.” All I can say is either he needs glasses, he is protesting too much or that maybe the saying that “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” has some validity. Now, he happens to be a handsome man. I, on the other hand, am not pretty. My picture says it all.

My ex is hoping my marriage won’t take place. Why is that? Is he afraid he might have lost a good thing? He certainly never loved me. His ex is hoping we won’t marry tomorrow. She told my fiance that he was the love of her life. So, I know why she is hoping things won’t move forward.

As far as I’m concerned, I took the risk. I told myself that, if I didn’t take the risk and marry the man I’ve been living with for a year then I would never find out if we’re right for each other. If I didn’t take the risk, I would be kicking myself down the road. And, at this point, even if the most desirable man in the world proposed to me, I wasn’tnot the type to call off a wedding at the last minute. Wish me luck.. I need it!

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a


  • Genieinabottle: Ugh! Now my ex contacted me and he accused me of throwing his name around... I never mention his name... I don’t know why he is trying to rile me up.
  • gummybears: congratualtions genie! ;) happy wedding day to you! I wish you and your marriage well, and full of the good kind of luck!
  • gummybears: while in business/investing, I noticed that wherever my focus was, mimicked the type of people that were around me. the same was at home... if I was focused on kids, I would have people around me who had kids etc.
    I agree that people come into our lives for a reason, I can never guess why, until something happens, or a lesson of sorts is learned and then life moves on its married way.
    through my divorce, I noticed how many unhealthy relationships I was hanging onto, and had to let go of...
    one common thread throughout my life and relationships I’ve kept to is that if the people around you are bringing you down/knocking you around.... its a sign to spend less time with them regardless of the history we might have.
    same goes with those who bring us up/help us up time and again... I try to spend more time with those kinds of people in my life.
    eventually the the ones who bring us down fall to the wayside, and our time is filled with those who prop us up.
    part of it all is a conscious decision on what we want around us.... not all of it is left up to some mystical interconnectness of all things that we have to somehow divine meaning from.
  • Genieinabottle: gummybears: After Andy passed away, I bonded with a woman who had just come out of a bad relationship and who was negative about everything. I wasn’t feeling so chipper myself, so I thought that we could help each other. Everything was just fine between us, until I became engaged. She was still miserable, and she did everything to try to bring me down, accusing me of being weak for needing a man in my life, yada yada yada. When I told her that, considering her own promiscuity, she had a heck of a nerve telling ME I was weak for needing a man in my life, and thus a long-time friendship ended. You’re right. We do not need people in our lives who bring us down. I guess the problem with our respective ex’s is that they both have a lot of positive attributes in addition to their negative ones.. ... grrrr.
  • Sigi: I hope you will be happy with your fiance, I wish you all the best. Maybe you both can agree to limit your contact with your exes? just for a while so you can work on building your relationship with each other.
  • Genieinabottle: So far so good, Sigi. We are limiting our contact with our ex’s. His ex texted him this morning and he didn’t respond and my ex IM’d me this morning and I didn’t respond.
  • Sigi: Glad to hear it and good luck!
  • Genieinabottle: Ugh... My ex called me on the phone while I was arguing with my new hubby... I’m going to write a blog now, not about my ex contacting me, but about the nature of the argument.
  • Genieinabottle: I hope you like my new blog, "As The Stomach Churns."
  • Genieinabottle: P.S. I saw my husband’s ex today. She showed up at his place of business at lunch time to give us a wedding gift. I thought that was very thoughtful of her. She even suggested that some day she and her new bf and my husband and I should get together. I think we might be making some progress!
  • Sigi: I was away for a few days, I see I have some catching up to do !

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