Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too..
I love this song by Fleet wood Mac and especially the lines; “well, I’ve been afraid of changing - cause I’ve built my life around you”. Post break-up isn’t it the sudden change in our lives is what actually sets us back. We do want the person we love back in our lives, but more importantly we don’t want to let go a pattern of life that we’re already familiar with. We all know that life is much bigger than the moment that we’re presently focusing so ardently on; it’s just scary to completely release our past that we are well acquainted with in exchange of a future that we still don’t know so well about. The more we try to put the past behind our mind throws at us memories of our past relationship with more clarity. Our mind too tries to control a situation which truly is past our grasp or control. All of us seek to control our lives, and when we start losing this control a fear overcomes us because we’re not used to be entirely helpless. A break-up especially when you’re the one getting dumped puts you in that position. All of a sudden you’re at the end of a decision that a person took for you and moved on..Control can be regained but only on you - yourself - your mind and gradually your heart.
I’ve been in the ‘no-contact’ phase now since two months now. I would probably not be saying anything much different from what has already been said on this site through some wonderful blogs several times on the no-contact rule, but I do want to share my story, perhaps give a chance at gathering response and support from fellow readers who have maybe gone through a similar stage in life.
My ex-boyfriend and I live in different towns. We broke up two months back. He just said it wasn’t working on phone and hung up on me after a minor argument (minor from my perspective). After that he stopped any form of communication with me- quite predictably I committed the cardinal mistakes of chasing him down; calling him up numerous times, sending him texts, leaving hysterical messages on his answering machine, for a while. Then after a few weeks of madness I decided to see a counselor at my college as I didn’t want my personal life to affect the course I am taking, and also my work, in short I wasn’t being able to manage the stress on my own. After taking my counselor’s advice I completely blocked my ex boyfriend. Today as I write this blog it’s been two months since I last made any form of contact with him, and I do believe that’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. It’s not that the no-contact period has been like walking down a red carpet, and I was lounging around sipping on a chilled can of beer basking in the sunshine as the two months flew by ( well, literally our snowfall here went until May ;). Each day of these months have been felt deeply by me, and brought me face to face with a range of emotions, many of which I wasn’t even aware of sometime back.
My ex started dating another girl within a week’s time, and within two weeks of our break up his Facebook status said in relationship ( yes I am guilty of stalking their Facebook pages, which did nothing but emotional damage especially when apps such as instagram take pictures that flash onto your face with this unusual brightness ;)). Jokes apart I’ve been through sort of hell in the last few months. I think it was more or less due to shock because it came at me so suddenly, and as there was no communication following it or before it with my ex - I’d no closure. Although, when I think back I question if a break up can be any better at all, and it was good in a way that he didn’t leave me an option to linger about it.
I primarily moved away from my ex absolutely to regain control over myself, and for my own mental sanity, to find that peaceful and content person that I truly am - and in my belief each person truly is or is getting there.
Somewhere, in the midst of the No Contact period I started reading all these articles on the possibility of your ex coming back to you because they miss you during the time you’re not in any form of contact with them. This surely did spur a hope in me. I went through this period of reading more of these articles floating all over the internet which would promise you that yes! your ex does return eventually when you start minding your own business..blah and blah. This and just trying to find something or the other about him and his now girlfriend on the net. I think of it now and I feel (in my opinion) that perhaps I go through these moments of obsessive thoughts about my ex and his life - when I try to find some piece of information on him on the net- or I try to find some form of write up that would give me some hope regarding getting him back- all of it stems from this sense of control that I’ve lost on him and his life.
When we’re going through a myriad of feelings after a break up, let’s say; guilt, grief, anger, pain, obsession, despair, panic - the very last emotion that we come across at the end of the tunnel is ACCEPTANCE. We decide to move ahead but our mind is still in this state of inertia. It can’t accept that someone we were so close to has by choice moved on. So, in some way or the other we try to find a sense of connection and control by trying to find any which way of contact with our ex, as in truth we don’t have any tangible form of connection with them anymore.
It’s often asked how long should a No Contact should last and does it even bring your ex back. I am not going to say what has not been said before, but in my experience no contact is important, and it’s significant not because it’s a miracle strategy to bring your partner back, rather it is crucial for YOU yourself. It is necessary to redirect the energy that we unconditionally focus on our loved one to what should be our top most priority, and that is, ourselves. Move away from your boyfriend/girlfriend who is no longer with you for some reason or the other because you don’t have a control over their lives . What is under your control is YOU and the healing of this ‘you’ should always be your utmost priority. You can’t force a person to change his/her choice, or you can’t stop him from meeting the people he/she perhaps is destined to meet in his lifetime to learn lessons life wants to teach him/her. You can only change how you decide to cope with your present situation and your life by being patient with yourself, and what life intends to do to you.
The first month I started to actually back up I felt so drained out not only emotionally, but also physically. I still feel a sense of exhaustion from the last few months. My ex has moved on and I don’t have an idea of how he’s coping with it all, but what I know is he has not made an effort to communicate back with me, and he is with another person, those are the two facts I know for sure and that is how it is. Obviously I have analysed again, again and again about his intent, but where does it make me stand anyways. At the end of it all I am still healing from it, and yes I do feel a sense of exhaustion even now.
Thus, no contact is crucial in the way that it is so important to recuperate the energy that we don’t even realize that drains out of us in the chase and grief following the break up. You owe it to yourself to rest and get back the energy that you’ve invested unto someone that may/may not come back in the future. Go through a lag phase if required, cry, grieve, sleep for hours - give yourself that recuperation phase. One day you will get out of your slumber and walk ahead!
No contact has also made me realize that sometimes (it might not be true for all of us) in a relationship we forget other people who love us truly. It is when a relationship ends we seek help from either people who were always there with us and we undermined their love and support (such as family and old friends), or from people who we meet while looking for help (counselor, new friends). Even while in a relationship it is so important to nurture the other relationships you’ve around you - with your parents, friends, siblings...so on. It is natural to get concentrated on a relationship but why not diversify your energy into the other relationships that demand your attention too. Such that there are people you can rely on or fall back on when you’re jolted out of a single relationship.
What I am trying to say is that although it takes a lot of time to accept it but life is much more than a single person or relationship we chose to streamline all our energy on. I know it is much easier said than done but the lesson I’ve taken from all this is to learn to expand my interests, my mind and in the process my heart. To broaden my perspective and renew my interests. Enjoy life irrespective of having a person to love or not. I do have days on which I don’t want to do anything, or talk to anyone about what has happened - but there are days when I know I am moving ahead for certain not by jumping into a new relationship, but by focusing on that one person whom I’d forgotten to love, while I put all my love and interest on my ex, and that is me. I do miss my ex sometimes but I am not sure if I’d like to go back to that person who has not cared to ask all this time how am I..
I would end this blog by saying that if needed;
Cry a river
Build a Bridge over it
but do find the courage and the spirit in yourself to cross the bridge. Your ex might have moved on. He/s she might have taken away what you both shared but what they can’t take from you is your peace of mind - get there back now and regain it.
I encourage you all to read this wonderful blog from another site :