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ND0_4470Creative Commons License courtesy of Nicola since 1972

No contact is normally misunderstood. It should not be like a tap that you turn on and off when things are going wrong..here is a list of No Contact Do’s and Dont’s

Do use NC

To temporarily withdraw from a relationship that is currently destructively spiralling out of control. e.g. jealousy>hurt>anger>resentment>revenge>lack of trust>hurt etc., To take time out to reflect on why this is so, to see the links between your partners and you behaviour. Realise what YOUR part in it is, and what choices YOU have to change YOUR behaviour.

Do some personal changing or growing, and your partner is anchoring you to the past and doesn’t want you to change / improve.

If you think your partner wants to put you in the ‘friend zone’ and you know you will get very hurt as they move on, and see others but you stay ’stuck’ and jealous. But this is not really no contact, it is you deciding to move on, and leave them behind.

Dont use NC

As the first choice of dealing with relationship issues. Don’t use it as some kind of ‘denial technique,’ in the hope that relationship issues will just disappear miraculously after you return from NC. The only way relationship issues can truly be solved is communication. NC, just delays this.

As an emotional battle of strength, to test someone elses love for you. To guage whether your partner really misses you. If you do this they may just feel rejected and very hurt and it may actually destroy the trust in relationship, because they truly do love you, but feel so very hurt, by your actions, betrayed and helpless, they never risk being even more vulnerable and ‘chase you’ like you really want.

To play manipulative mind games and hurt your partner back, or show your partner that you do have some power and control in the hope to make your ex miss you and want you back! It may destroy the relationship, for the same reasons as above.

If the relationship ended very badly and on angry note, and if further communication with the ex is a way of avoiding further bad feelings. This may just continue to build anger and resentment, rather than solve it. Bite the bullet and tie up any loose ends and try to finish in as much a constructive and mutually respectfully way as possible.

Because you feel you have no other option but to use it, either because you lack the insight in knowing how to improve the relationship, or you lack the self-confidence to express how you really feel to improve it. Have courage to express what you really feel and want.

You are really unsure of what you want to do with the relationship, and want to reflect on whether to split or stay? Ideally you need to make this decision whilst still in the relationship.

As a way of disposing of a partner politely and gently. This can create false hope and more worry for them in the long run. It is cruel.

I hope this is helpful?

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a
.

5 Comments:

  • *Molly*:

    Nice points to make. I want to stress the fact that NC should NOT be used in order to manipulate your partner’s feelings. So many times I will see a person using NC, purely to “teach their loved one a lesson”. This isn’t healthy. I believe no contact should be initiated if it’s agreed by BOTH people involved, and only as a last resort to help with mutual broken hearts, or mutual anger, etc.


    OR.....if a person has made his partner THAT angry.....then NC does this person good, considering he might need to leave his partner alone for a bit to cool down.

  • Mfrag: I think these are all great points. There’s another one for using NC and that’s if your ex needs time to figure themselves out or pursue goals outside of a relationship. Pushing to remain in contact could damage the relationship.
    I think NC is best used to work on become emotionally stable for both parties. Even if you feel you are stable your ex may not be there yet, even if it seems like they are.
  • Johnny Nicks: Thanks Mfrag. Good point.
  • Echo Nemini: That was spot on. Especially the point you made about starting NC when feeling angry, and resentful, and too much has been left unsaid. This has always been a reason why I’ve been a bit skeptical of NC. Initiating it when still feeling hurt, angry, resentful, etc, I think, does not really solve the problem - it just casts it out of sight. Aaaanyway, I can only repeat myself: Spot on. I agree with everything. Great post!
  • Sigi: Very helpful! I also think using NC to manipulate or punish your partner will only work against you. It will also harm the trust your partner has in you ( like Johnny wrote about in his recent post http://www.relationshiptalk.net/how-to-rebuild-trust-2788.html)

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