Older Man, Divorced & children

I am dating a man who is 40 years old and I am 25. This is not a problem though. He is also recently divorced. This too is not really so much a problem for me. What I do see as a problem is that he has two children from that marriage. For me, this opens up all kinds of possible qualms. For one, sometimes when she is away he goes and stays at their old house together (the house in which she lives and the children with her) to watch the children. I don't like this! I think it's odd! They are divorced - does he really need to see her and then go watch the chldren at their old house? I mean, during their divorce she got custody. Besides that, when he is there or doing something with his children he is reluctent to talk about it with me. I will ask, "where are you?" and he will reply, "at the house" (his own place is an apartment). And from this I am t infer that "the house" is the house of the ex and he is with the kids there or whatever. I mean, why can't he just say "I'm with my children, have to stay at the ex's 'cause she's gone. And, oh yeah this is what we're up to" yadda, yadda yadda. What does this all mean?! I mean, I don't mind the children - I have dated a guy with a baby boy before - but everything seems secretive, like they can't know about me and I am only tenatively invited to a celebration where everyone will be (we've been dating for almost 6 months - am I expecting too much?). I mean, I read these other posts and it seems like everyone else has been introduced to the kids somewhat right away. I resent te fact that I am somewhat a secret and as of now I have obviously been placed at slot #2 - don't you agree? I am confused as what to do. I mean I really love this guy, but I can not be in a reltionship where I will always be number 2. Also, I am very attractive and I am only 25 to boot, so I have youth as well. I just don't want to waste my time with something that will end up having me as the 2nd in line to be concerned with. Also, if I want to have children someday, which I will, and will most likely be soon as the biological clock is ticking, I think that would just open anothr can of worms. Does he have to check with his children about it? Does he boss me around because I have no experience which he does? Do his prevous children resent our children? Do our children resent his children? Do his children get more love and care than his second set? Am I not to ever put my opinion in our his children? I don't like the idea of him having his own children along with our children (if that happens). It just seems all too problematic for me. I want to be cherished not thought about in relevence to a strategic puzzle. Can anyone offer some advice? Thanks.

Sounds like he is putting his kids before you instead of balancing the two. Would you be fine with that?

Wow... I've been here but I'm a lot older... You're so lucky to be so young. All I can say is if you feel 2nd best now... You will later also. I'm learning that people do have a choice about where they want to be in life and who they choose to be with. Please do not allow someone elses needs to become your obligation. If you feel the way you do now. It may very well be best for you to move on. All single parents are very picky about who and when they allow a new serious person into their childs life. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their children. Think about it. You've only been dating for 6 mo's. Maybe he's still unsure about introducing his children to you in certain ways. It sounds weird but it's true. I had no previous exp with children before meeting someone with 2 small children, and I've gone thru the same things... Good Luck

I might have missed it somewhere but, have you told us for how long you are together? Maybe he thinks it is too soon for his kids to meet a new person... Maybe it is also hard for him to get away from his previous life, the answer "at the house" might not be secretive intended, maybe it is just his mind stuck in the past. Just try to explain him what annoys you... You refer to all the other posts in the forum, let me refer to them too and say that I have never seen a post saying "I have talked about it with him"... Couples don't talk about their likes and dislikes and this causes only problems. try to explain him on a calm kind way what annoys you and I think he will try and fix that

Run, Run like the wind. I married a guy like that. He did everything exactly the same as if he and her were still married to the point of ad nauseum. He is using you, your youth, good looks as a trophy. He sees you as an object only with no feelings. It is all about him. He is selfish and is getting all his needs met, family life the same, excellent sex life and with a massive ego to boot. Yet he does nothing for you. He will never change and sure he might make promises in the future but that is only to string you along while he has his cake and eats it to. He does not care about your feelings and concerns. Plse runa and find someone single who will love and adore you. LEave these divorced men alone as they are just trouble. They are so used to their married, family ex-wife part of life that they will never change. Mark my words, they will end up remarrying. I can speak from experience.

Hm I am going through a similar situation. I am 22 years old with a just turned 43 year old with 5 children and currently separated AGAIN from his wife of 7 years whom is the mother of the two youngest kids, a 2 year old and 9 year old. We have been together almost 7 months and the feelings we have for each other are very strong. I have had a few relationships but I know that I am truly in love with him with all my heart. My man and I met when he got transferred to my store about 4-5 months before we got involved. We were coworkers and friends before we started dating. He used to talk to me about his issues at home and I used to give him advice about the problems he was having hence I graduated with a degree in Psychology. I always told him to try and work it out and even suggested they get marriage and family counseling. He told me that he only went back both times for the sake of the children and trying to provide a family for them even though him and his wife didn't get along one bit. Yet, talking with him and us both spending so many hours a week at work we became friends and found out we had a lot in common. Eventually I found out that he was attracted to me and was interested in getting to know me so he pursued me. We did get sexually involved twice but I didn't take it personally because at the time I had a man (even though he lived far away and I rarely saw him) and he, since we were coworkers, had been talking about moving out in a couple of months and was just trying to save up money to get his own place. He had decided in the best interest of his children to let his wife and kids stay at the house that HE was paying the rent and all the bills for even though she didn't work or do much of anything except drink and collect welfare checks. Yet, after the second time I told him I couldn't continue to see him with his family on my conscious. We didn't see each other for a while but lo and behold he had already started having feelings for me and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I left to go down south to visit some family for Christmas and leave for a birthday cruise for a few days. On Christmas day his wife attacked him with a letter opener and various other objects, destroyed some of his property and vandalized his car (he said that as usual they had got into an argument and he had reiterated to her that he was still serious about leaving her and moving out which she replied with violent aggression..not a first. The next day he called and told me what happened and said he had left with the clothes on his back and went to his aunts house (where he resided the first time he left) I talked to him the whole time I was on my trip and the day I got home we saw each other and have been together almost every day since. As far as now, of course baby mama/ ex wife drama but all of his children like me and I get along with them. His family absolutely loves me and have adopted me and invite me everywhere with or without him and they are very good people. We are struggling financially a bit bc of child support and trying to save for a place together but we have each others back completely. BBBBBUUUTTTT now that I am thinking about out future and foundation that I want to have I am feeling confused and borderline depressed. I have no children but have helped raise 4 nieces and nephews, one which I want to adopt and have been around daily since her birth (shes 7 now)and plan on having a clan of my own pretty soon. I fear that he wont love our children as much even though he says he will. He has 4 girls and a baby boy (2 yrs old) who is his pride and joy and of course is named after him. He always wanted a boy and has that special bond with him that dads have. (I understand full well),however, my biggest aspiration is to have 3-4 boys and not really having to have thought about it before I wanted to give the man I want to spend the rest of my life with his first boy. I know it might not seem much to outside people but its something I feel is not far fetched. The issue now is that when he gets his children for a visit he is so engrossed with his son and treats him like the golden child that I am getting a bit annoyed and even jealous. I have no problem with his girls even though the youngest is a daddy's girl he still treats the boy different and the attention is driving me crazy. Could be because I want boys but more so I always wanted to name my child after his father and have the "man I want to spend the rest of my life with"'s first son and im scared to have a girl that will "blend in" with his other daughters or a "second generation son" and either way will they be as loved and cherished. Is this enough to say I deserve better and leave or I am just taking things out of proportion? That's the dilemma I am stuck with now. good luck with your situation