Q&A With Relationship Expert Randi Gunther: “Anyone Can Get Along When Things Are Going Well. It Is Who People Are, And Become, When Things Are Tough, That Determines The Future Of Any Beloved Friendship. “

Randi Gunther, Ph.D., Relationship expert, psychologist, marriage counselor and author of Relationship Saboteurs and When Love Stumbles, agreed to answer a few of my questions on relationship in general, and about what relationships in the age of technology are up against

RT: Tell us a little about yourself, how long you have been counseling and has this work and knowledge affected your own personal relationship, and vice verse?

RG: I was an academic kid, majoring in math and science, from a European gypsy family who did not think linearly. I met my husband, Greg, when we were fourteen and have been together ever since. Growing up off one another has been an amazing process, fraught with sorrow and tenderness. I put him through college as women did in those days, and began my own graduate education when I was thirty-five and my three girls were ten, twelve, and fourteen. I spend the next nine years going to school in the evenings and working during the day. At one time, we were all in college together. There are many wonderful and stretching stories. I do have diaries, though, as a ten-year-old, trying to help my friends and my parents through hard times. I know the love of helping people to

see things through more potential lenses has always been in me.
I managed to secure four degrees and two licenses throughout those times, while spending many years in therapy alone and with Greg. Our children also have grown with us and achieved highly on their own. Every personal and professional learning experience threw me into the scary and beautiful awareness that I would never know it all. It also helped me form my existential-humanistic orientation of ever-lasting learning, which fills my soul.
To date, I’ve accumulated over 90,000 face-to-face hours with people I treasure; deeply agreeing with the premise that counseling is never affective if it doesn’t change both the patient and the therapist. So many people in pain and heartbreak have taught me about the many labyrinths that exist in human nature and how both similar and different we all are.

RT: Is there any difference between new budding relationships that start now as opposed those that started a decade or two ago? Is there a difference in the challenges that couples face?

RG: I could speak about this for hours if we had the time. There is no way to describe how the hooking up of the WWW less than fifteen years ago has affected relationships. Human beings and the way they learn and love have not evolved as fast as technology demands. Many young people and those in their twenties and thirties live on the Internet. Texting some 100-150 times a day necessarily dumbs down the language and doesn’t often include facial expressions, voice intonation, body language, or heart, which are over 90% of intimate communication. Emails are wonderful in that people can send them when they want and answer them when they want, but the myriad of misunderstandings and non-real-time interactions make communications more sensitive to them.
Small towns and accountability to those that came before you or are yet to be born gave people an obligation to clan that rarely exists any more. Those dating are terribly susceptible to very narrow interpretations of their behaviors seen only through few lenses. The media almost extols living in compartments and is now offering support and opportunity to try to be in an intimate relationship concurrently with external ones. Romance, as people once knew it, is essentially non-existent. It is replaced by an illusion that is not backed up by the understanding of what it takes to make relationships continue to blossom and grow. Because of that, the essence of most new relationships lasts as long as the physical connection remains lusty. The revolving door connections create an addiction to those unique moments of new love, without the skills that are required to take them to the next step, or the faith that long-term relationships are even possible.
Still, fifty percent of people don’t cheat and there are long-term relationships that survive, and even thrive. My two books talk to how that can happen. In my own life, I’ve listened to so many heartbreaks and could see how they could have been averted if the couple only had known how and implemented those strategies early enough.

RT: How is technology affecting our relationships? We get a lot of questions about face-book and he said/she said texts. Do you have any advice for both new couples and couples with a bit more mileage under their belts as to what place to give technology in a relationship and what to watch out for?

RG: Yes, absolutely. When they are first texting and emailing, they need to frequently sit down and tell each other what they heard and interpreted from these technological short-cuts, and if what they heard was what was intended. If the relationship is not solid in its anthropological interest, i.e., “who are you, really, and how is what I say and do what you really think it is,” then text messages simply reflect two worlds that are really not blending, though they may appear to be. You must live in the heart of your best friend to be able to use the media in a way that enhances, rather than de-personalizes. It is simply too easy to guess at what someone means through an ego-centric lens, rather than stretch to know who that person really is, especially when a new relationship is forming and transforming.

RT: Technology has affected us in more areas than just our communications skills. Even our music, TV and pastimes are faster, and more clip-like. It seems as if there is never any down time. How do you think this pace effect relationships and individuals in these relationships? What do you think we need to reclaim in order for our relationships to begin to thrive again?

RG: The core of every successful relationship is the sacred altar place a couple forms. It is the place where a couple kneels in re-commitment to the behaviors, ethics, values, and dreams they both share. In those moments of treasured and mutual valuing, a couple strives to remember why they have chosen each other. It is not just the faster pace that threatens those timeless moments, but what couples are fed that is supposed to enhance them and doesn’t touch what people really need in times of sorrow and fear. Anyone can get along when things are going well. It is who people are, and become, when things are tough, that determines the future of any beloved friendship.
Couples who know that altar place must be up-to-date, transforming continually, and re-chosen every moment, do not lose each other in the same way. That doesn’t mean that all of those relationships last, only that, when they do end, both partners know why and, when possible, hope for the best for the other.

RT: Do you believe each person has one or maybe 2 potential perfect partners or can one make a relationship work with anybody with whom they have a basic connection?

RG: I have watched so many people devastated by what they have believed to be the only perfect partner. Their grief is palpable and feels as if it will never end, let alone give way to a new love. Yet, they do. It so much depends on who they become through their grief. The continuum is from ‘I’ll never risk my heart again,” or “I guess there are just no quality people out there,” to “I’ve learned and grown through my loss and I’m more willing to love now than ever.” “Nothing ventured, nothing lost,” is, unfortunately more common.
There are certain basic characteristics that do portend more potential to not only heal but love again ever more deeply. (See my article on PsychologyTodayBlogs about “Who are the Keepers?”) Also, sending out the right kind of beam is crucial. Many people hold back the core of who they are and try to be what they believe others want. When it is time to be real, the relationship doesn’t work any more. Knowing what you want and what you have to give in return sends a more authentic message. It may not seem to work as well in the beginning, but it is the only behavior that works long-term.

RT: If you were a matchmaker, what were the most important commonalities you would look for to make the perfect match?

RG: If people are lucky, they are always in the process of transformation. What seems like the right characteristics up front must be malleable as life takes its toll and relationships have to face unpredictable upheavals and unanticipated challenges. Again, there are certainly core qualities that you want in anybody you felt blessed to be with, but, if I had to pick one, it would be the willingness to learn by embracing self-accountability.

RT: We have all been in relationships with the “wrong” people. If we know those people are bad for us and that no good could come of it, how come we persist in these relationships? Why are people drawn to the same kind of wrong person over and over again?

RG: My first book, “Relationship Saboteurs,” talks directly about this question. Tap roots to childhood and the inability to be guided correctly into more successful alternatives can doom people into repetitive cycles. Sometimes the people we are most drawn to spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, or sexually, drastically lack other qualities that are crucial. People have so many explanations for these repetitive, doomed relationships; from past life reincarnations to seeking the parent we never had to determination to change someone to finding just the right person who will “understand” us. What is important is not to stereotype or allow yourself to fall into prejudicial attitudes. People often create what they expect to happen and can’t see alternatives that are right in their view.

RT: At the beginning of a relationship with potential, everything is peachy. We have butterflies and our stomachs lurch in joy when our new love comes anywhere near us. All this excitement wears off at
some point or other, once we are more familiar with and less excited by the newness of our partners. More often than not the relationship can slip into mundane boredom. How can one keep the life and
enthusiasm alive in a long term relationship?

RG: The illusion of romance is its most primary defeater. “Don’t ever change.” “I will always love you the same.” Those romantic statements do not allow for the fact that butterflies exist with newness and challenge. If a partner in a relationship settles for security over challenge or transformation, the relationship will become predictable. (See the PT article on security/boredom.) Knowing someone so deeply that you don’t have to think about how he or she will react is comforting but requires very little adjustment or change. I’ve been married for fifty-seven years and, despite many challenges, I most treasure Greg’s unpredictability and insatiable quest to know and become more than he is. I’ve been angry, frustrated, despairing, joyous, challenged, and the like, but I’ve never been bored. My own life has been a series of transformative experiences, (like writing my first book in my seventies), and I couldn’t live with myself if I knew who I was going to be tomorrow. Boredom goes both those ways. You just can’t be bored without being boring. There is the caveat that people are often more exciting outside of an established relationship than they are within it. Losing prime time in your most important connection is a bad sign.

RT: Obviously, when children come along the balance in the relationship is changed. Do you have any suggestions for couples with young children as to how to stay a couple along side of being a family,
and not to lose their relationship into the chaos of family?

RG: The early years of children are really daunting to any couple. Little ones are energy vampires and will take as much as you can give. They willingly will even sit between you. Many couples, caught up in the challenge of trying to do it right, fall prey to the human failure of forgetting how important their own relationship is. When couples lived in larger, extended families, there were always people to take the kids for periods of time so that young couples could regenerate. I believe the greatest cause of divorce today is that lack of a larger, loving, available network. Some young couples help each other by baby-sitting each other’s kids regularly so those precious timeless moments are sustained. There is a peak of divorce rates four years after the youngest child is born, when a couple finally realizes how far apart they’ve become in their parallel relationship.

RT: A lot of visitors on RT are extremely young people who have had children with their BF/GF and are either struggling to maintain a relationship with the other person while living with their parents,
or, are struggling to get on with their life with the other person in the picture as a parent to their child. Do you have any advice as far as how to establish a joint parenting relationship, taking into consideration that some of these people are barely out of high school or still teenagers?

RG: Again, external support is so important. When children have children, they are understandably torn between caring for the children on the outside and taking care of their own internal children. They rarely have time or interest in parenting classes or finding the many other resources where they can join others in the same predicament. Children would ideally only be cared for by people who are not feeling burdened by them. Kids also need to know who they can count on and when. Bad-mouthing the other parent is so damaging. These young people are horrendously burdened by a multitude of problems. I know so many older people who lack the maturity, but younger people may have never had the opportunity to develop it. Kids also need consistency between their caretakers. Staying good friends is often improbable because others have come into the picture who are primary in the break-ups. There are many similarities but the uniqueness of every situation must be kept in mind.

RT: What would you advise a person who is freshly out of a relationship in regards to getting over the heart break? Do you advise people to cut off all contact with the ex or wean themselves slowly?

RG: That is very individual. If a relationship has had a lot of time to end, both people have grieved somewhat in anticipation of the ending. Most relationships, unfortunately, end because one person has already grieved, and the other is just beginning. They cannot share the grief of a love gone wrong. When there are a series of lost relationship, the grief is stronger. When there is a loving network of people to divert and support, the moments of loss are easier to take. It is so important not to allow oneself to be dragged into a rebound relationship. The grief from the old relationship’s ending will eventually cloud the new one with unpredictable expectations or anticipations of loss that are unconsciously created. The most important thing to do after a break-up, especially if it was unexpected, is to understand what caused it, and what one would do differently in the future. Self-accountability and personal hope has nothing to do with the last relationship unless the person left was convinced that it was his or her fault.

RT: Jumping from one relationship directly into another is clearly not the best of ideas. How does a person know if they are ready to start dating and get involved with someone new? Is there a way to take the pain from the previous relationship and turn it into something positive in the next relationship?

RG: This is an extremely broad question. The most spiritual answer is when someone no longer harbors anger or resentment. One wonderful lady told me that when she is ready to fix her ex up with a new person, she knows she is done. It would be ideal if each relationship prepared us to do better in the next one. It’s so important to avoid resentment, victimization, or self-castigation. Emerging from loss as a person bound to learn from what has happened is a very desirable trait. Any new date that hears remaining anger or prejudice towards an ex should head for the hills.

RT: What are the biggest and most common pitfalls a couple will encountered on their road to happily ever after? Is there anyway they can be avoided?

RG: Yes. Please see my latest book, “When Love Stumbles.” Not taking care of things when they should be and allowing life to take the passion from you are two major warning signs.

RT: Is it true that we are sometimes our own worst enemies in a relationship? How so?

RG: If you mean that we don’t honor our core selves, or that we act in ways that have never worked before, or that we build cumulative prejudices against hope for a better outcome in the future, yes.

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.