Should I leave my family for the man I am having an affair with?

I am a married woman with 2 young children and have been having an affair with a single man (dating someone else) for 2 years. I am in love with this man and want to be with him. He has said he wants to marry me and really has tried to be there for me and my kids, getting to know them, etc. I love my children very much, though, and don't want them to be damaged by this. I have been with my husband for a long time, and the best way I could characterize our relationship is as good friends. Is there any way I can make this work (with the other man), or should I just forget it? It makes me very sad to think about leaving him forever, but it also makes me extremely sad to think about hurting my kids. Please don't berate me. I know my actions have been terrible, but now I'm in this situation and feel like I will regret it forever if I don't pursue something with the other man. Maybe I am wrong, though, maybe I won't regret it all. Hoping for advice from people who have been in this situation.

Posted on Affairs
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r
5 years ago #2
real life
Guest

You will regret it, u want what you can't have right now and the person you running too will change with the circumstances. The more the new guy have to take the responsibilities of the husband he will become a diffrent person. I think you should talk to your husband and let him have a choice in this. He might not want to be with you anymore but don't know how to let go. You leaving him might be the best thing for him and his life. You might be whats holding him back. My wife divorced me and my life has been better, she lost her job after the divorce, but i still wish her the best, no hard feelings. There is alot of women out here to replace you with, trust me. I'm out here and LOVING it!

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H
5 years ago #3
HopelessRomantic
Guest

I disagree. You need to think with your heart. As the other poster said, you do need to talk with your husband about what is going on and provide an out for him, but if it's you that wants out, then do it. If you do not love your husband, release him. Yes, that other man may eventually change, but try to remember why it is that you initially ran to this man. Yes, we all want what we can't have at times, but trust me, I am in the same boat and want out so bad and wanted out before I had "someone to run to". That's ultimately what you need to figure out....maybe this someone else is not "the one" but perhaps it's your door....your window.....you can take it or leave it but make sure it's what YOU want.

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Baron A. avatar
5 years ago #4
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 66
Forum: 46,564
Votes: 1,582

You need to evaluate the relationship you have with your husband. It would appear the relationship is okay, but lacks excitement, and you need to know that all relationships experience that.

The next thing to note is the other man in your life, is he for the long haul or is just enjoying the ride, but when the responsibility of being there for you comes along will he be there for you. These are important questions you need to ask yourelf. Do not ask him, he will put on a show for you.

Because of my own experience, I do know that sometimes we get married for the wrong reasons, we try to make it work, but it is like we are in a hole and cannot get out. The decision to leave your husband to be with this man is only a decision you alone can make, knowing that the decision comes with it's own share of ups and downs. It is better I think to leave a loveless relationship than to stay and be unhappy, but you must ensure that you did everything that you could do. Counselling, dialogue, go on dates, experiment with other things, viarity.

When you have done all you can, never stay for the sake of the children, you can delay for the sake of the children, but to continue will make you bitter. If you leave for the wrong reasons you will regret it for the rest of your life, but the decision is ultimately up to you. When the decision is made you will let your spouse know. Be very direct with him, he will be mad, but eventually he will come around. For you to have peace and closure you must pick the right time and place, i find that it makes a difference when you are straight forward.

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Polished Halo avatar
5 years ago #5
Polished Halo
Wiz
Blogs: 12
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I lean more toward rethink everything very carefully. Sometimes you think and feel like you want something new and you fall for someone else outside the marriage. When, in reality you want something new because the marriage has gotten stale.

Ask yourself this: Why did you get married in the first place? Were you and hubby in love with each other at some point in the relationship? What happened to that? Has damage been done that can not be repaired? Are you bored with everything?

First analyze what caused you to look outside the marriage for love. And secondly, just to make sure, did you meet the new guy online? Just random question...

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A
5 years ago #6
Also Confussed
Guest

I am going through the same thing myself. I have been married 15 years with a 4 year old son. I have been seeing a man (single) from my highschool past actually lost my virginity with him. We got back in touch about 2 years ago and it really started out being friends with just texting for the 1st year. Then we made that 1st phone call and it went from there. He said the things I wanted/needed to hear and touched me in ways I needed to be touched. I believe he needed someone in his life to say and do these things to and for also. My husband is a wonderful person and does alot around the house to help me. He doesn't have much patience with our son but he never wanted kids to begin with so we never planned on having any. Now that we do I want to what is right by our son. When my husband and got married we were already friends and that carried over into our marriage. It's like our 1st 11 years of marriage (before our son) was a marriage of leisure we had our separate lives so we didn't have to deal with one another on a daily basis now that our son is here we have to deal with one another daily and we as a couple can't seem to get it together and communicate like we need to in order to make this work. This has over the last few years has taken its toll on me and our relationship. Now that my husband has found out that my old flame and I have been back in contact (that's all he knows) he has contacted him and now my old flame won't talk with me much and when he does it's friendly talk only and won't see me at all. I know he's waiting for me to make up my mind on what I want but it's killing me. I like you don't know what in the world to do. My mind is telling me to make my marriage work for the sake of our son. My heart says to leave because I am so in love with my old flame. Best to you!!!

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b
5 years ago #7
babreh
Guest

hi there I am 54 year old and expermented a lot.
one thing I am sure is that u will not be happy after u leave your hosbent.
injoy it as u can.this new guy is not going be the same after u leave your hosbet, at the moment there are no responsibility on his hand,he is being on his best becuse he neads u. I am surry my speling is bad and I cant tipe , if u want me to help u get intouch on skyp .

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b
5 years ago #8
babreh
Guest

Hi there u are wise ,good to u.

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j
4 years ago #9
jeffro73
Guest

The problem with leaving your husband for the affair partner is that these relationships never last statisticly speaking. So make sure your not ruining your marriage over nothing more than a fling gone out of control.

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MaliciousMirth avatar
4 years ago #10
MaliciousMirth
Platinum Member
Blogs: 3
Forum: 498
Votes: 38

You guys keep saying "my husband is wonderful, but...." If hes so wonderful why are you doing this horrible thing to him? Do you guys know what its like to be cheated on? If you did you might rethink what you are doing. What is so hard about ending things and then starting something new. I guess you guys get to have your cake and eat it too being that you have someone to fall back on "your husbands" if this new relationship doesnt work out. He doesnt deserve this. What happened to the sanctity of marriage? How is it so easy to just abandon that in favor of rolling the dice with someone new? Im not judging, just wondering how it is that someone can do this and justify it with the attitude of "the heart wants what the heart wants" its not fair and your husbands get absolutely no say in it. If your unhappy leave him and then start up a new relationship. Marriage should be a bond that even when it gets boring and stale should never be discarded like this. You guys realize that EVERY relationship is going to end up at some point or another being stale and a little boring and looses the spark. If you cant gt that spark back then it might be time to rethink the situation, but having an affair really does say alot about your character.

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a
4 years ago #11
Guest
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You guys keep saying "my husband is wonderful, but...." If hes so wonderful why are you doing this horrible thing to him?


how irritatingly cute!
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Teiah54 avatar
4 years ago #12
Teiah54
Master
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he's wonderful because he if fulfilling all that material needs, just not her emotional needs. isn't that part such an important thing to girls

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MaliciousMirth avatar
4 years ago #13
MaliciousMirth
Platinum Member
Blogs: 3
Forum: 498
Votes: 38

^^ Thats what im saying. If you want to leave and find someone new then more power to you. Cheating is not acceptable and says so much about someones character. Someone willing to lie to another person that they claim to love for and extended period....theres just no justification for that. If he isnt meeting your needs fine. I understand that part. Find someone new. I just dont understand how an affair is ever acceptable.

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MaliciousMirth avatar
4 years ago #14
MaliciousMirth
Platinum Member
Blogs: 3
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Im probably coming off as judgemental which im not meaning to do, so I will let others take this topic over and stop commenting

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m
4 years ago #15
me ot you
Guest

I'm sorry to tell you this , but stay with your previous family. Your kids will be so upset at you and the man who broke your family, he'll never be welcomed with opened arms to anybody forever. And what if it goes wrong? He's cheated on his girlfriend. Who's to say that won't happen to you? Stay with your family.

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c
4 years ago #16
conjurer
Guest

I can be sympathetic about this as I left my husband 5 years ago after a long affair. I'm certainly not proud of my infidelity but the affair held my marriage together for too long. My husband was and is a kind man and certainly didn't deserve the betrayal, I came to a decision in the end to tell him as I knew we had to have one last shot at our marriage and we were unable to do this without being completely honest.
We had 3 months trying to make it work and did seek counselling. In the end I was so sad I just couldn't give my husband what he wanted and that was to be loved. I was completely honest with everyone and the counselor told us to except our marriage was over. I am eternally grateful for her in making us come to a decision, yes it was difficult and it still is sometimes.
My ex husband is now in a loving relationship and seems happy, I myself have had a relationship which didn't work out but I have hope, which I didn't in my marriage.
Ultimately I would say you have to make the decision based on the fact that you cannot stay married any longer not because you wish to be with the person you are having the affair with, as you would be in danger of making the wrong decision.
My husband and I have 2 children together and at the time of the separation they were 12 and 15 and there were some difficult moments. But we put our children first, we didn't argue in front of them and we shared access to them 50/50 and stayed near to each other to make it easier for them. My eldest son is now 20 and working hard on his law degree and my youngest at 17 is settled in college undertaking his A levels. They are happy and lovely young men because we put them first.
Never stay together for the children, consider all your options and make the right choices to make everyone happy.

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s
4 years ago #17
surely confused
Guest

You're probably "coming off" as judgemental? This is just my opinion of course, but you might be "coming off" as judgemental because in all reality, you're judging. If so, that may be why your words are "coming off" as judgemental. Either way, I agree with you 100%! Judge ye not, that ye be judged. Whether you believe in that or not, all it means is, you'll be judged in the same exact manner as you judge others. We all judge people and the things they do. I'm not worried about stating my feelings here and I'm not worried about whether I'm passing judgment on what they have done. I have no problem with myself, nor do I worry about being judged in the same way for what they have done. Its wrong and they know it. If not, why hide it? I'm not saying, they're trying to say its not wrong, I really don't know what they really feel about what they've done. However, I do believe they're looking for justification and/or pacification for their actions. Its wrong, period. There's no "ifs", "ands", or "buts" about it. You're right, it is a character flaw and a major one at that. Their spouse don't deserve this and there's no excuse for it. There's people who have done certain things in their life and the consequences of their actions weren't pleasant. Some of which, found themselves serving time in jail, or prison for what they had done. They made a decision to do something and making that decision was wrong, and it was a major character flaw. But sometimes they can be rehabilitated. They finally realize how wrong they were and they ask for forgiveness for what they've done. Should we forgive? I believe we should. Should we forget? I don't believe that's possible. We can put it behind us, but its always going to be there. Its up to the one who made that wrong decision and the one with the character flaw, to make sure its something that we never choose to remember and never hold against them again. But if you keep making the same wrong decisions, over and over again, your past is going to be brought back up and remembered. Its going to be held against you. And if its something you can't stop doing, something you just can't seem to fix or change about your character, then there's times when they have to put you away and throw away the keys because you're a lost hope, and you're never going to change. I'm not dying, you should go to jail or prison for adultery. Although there are some countries with laws of such and some who even believe in death by stoning. However, I don't believe in that whatsoever. But I do know, first hand, how it feels to be a victim of adultery. The pain is overwhelmingly unbearable. I also know, first hand, the effects it has on the children and the pain & suffering they experience as well. Its a selfish act and a low down, dirty thing to do. Especially to someone you claim to love & care about. You care about yourself, that's it. To continue lying about such, is having no regard, for not only your spouse, but for any children involved as well. That's selfish. No other word can describe it any better. There's no excuse. Do the right thing. Swallow your pride and fess up. Come clean and admit what you've done. Then, at that point, see how it feels and see if you really feel for your lover like you think you do now. Once the excitement of sneaking around is gone and the betrayal is out in the open, see if you feel the same as you do now. See if your lover feels the same too. They say, the majority of divorces filed by woman today are flied because they are currently involved in an affair. They say, in 85% of those divorces filed, where the wife is currently involved in an affair, their husband has no idea and is totally caught of guard. They say, there's many husbands out there doing the same, but nowhere near the amount compared to the wives. Its a terrible thing, no matter if its the husband, wife, or both at the same time. I was never unfaithful to my wife. There was many times, when the opportunity was there and the thought crossed my mind, especially when our marriage was at a low point in time, but I refused to cross the line. I honored my vow and my commitment. If not to her, my wife, to myself and the pride I have in keeping my word. Its called, CHARACTER......

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s
4 years ago #18
surely confused
Guest

Just a typo..... I meant to say, "I'm not saying, you should go to jail or prison for adultery." I didn't mean to type, "I'm not dying, you should.... (sorry)

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s
4 years ago #19
surely confused
Guest

You're probably "coming off" as judgemental? This is just my opinion of course, but you might be "coming off" as judgemental because in all reality, you're judging. If so, that may be why your words are "coming off" as judgemental. Either way, I agree with you 100%! Judge ye not, that ye be judged. Whether you believe in that or not, all it means is, you'll be judged in the same exact manner as you judge others. We all judge people and the things they do. I'm not worried about stating my feelings here and I'm not worried about whether I'm passing judgment on what they have done. I have no problem with myself, nor do I worry about being judged in the same way for what they have done. Its wrong and they know it. If not, why hide it? I'm not saying, they're trying to say its not wrong, I really don't know what they really feel about what they've done. However, I do believe they're looking for justification and/or pacification for their actions. Its wrong, period. There's no "ifs", "ands", or "buts" about it. You're right, it is a character flaw and a major one at that. Their spouse don't deserve this and there's no excuse for it. There's people who have done certain things in their life and the consequences of their actions weren't pleasant. Some of which, found themselves serving time in jail, or prison for what they had done. They made a decision to do something and making that decision was wrong, and it was a major character flaw. But sometimes they can be rehabilitated. They finally realize how wrong they were and they ask for forgiveness for what they've done. Should we forgive? I believe we should. Should we forget? I don't believe that's possible. We can put it behind us, but its always going to be there. Its up to the one who made that wrong decision and the one with the character flaw, to make sure its something that we never choose to remember and never hold against them again. But if you keep making the same wrong decisions, over and over again, your past is going to be brought back up and remembered. Its going to be held against you. And if its something you can't stop doing, something you just can't seem to fix or change about your character, then there's times when they have to put you away and throw away the keys because you're a lost hope, and you're never going to change. I'm not dying, you should go to jail or prison for adultery. Although there are some countries with laws of such and some who even believe in death by stoning. However, I don't believe in that whatsoever. But I do know, first hand, how it feels to be a victim of adultery. The pain is overwhelmingly unbearable. I also know, first hand, the effects it has on the children and the pain & suffering they experience as well. Its a selfish act and a low down, dirty thing to do. Especially to someone you claim to love & care about. You care about yourself, that's it. To continue lying about such, is having no regard, for not only your spouse, but for any children involved as well. That's selfish. No other word can describe it any better. There's no excuse. Do the right thing. Swallow your pride and fess up. Come clean and admit what you've done. Then, at that point, see how it feels and see if you really feel for your lover like you think you do now. Once the excitement of sneaking around is gone and the betrayal is out in the open, see if you feel the same as you do now. See if your lover feels the same too. They say, the majority of divorces filed by woman today are flied because they are currently involved in an affair. They say, in 85% of those divorces filed, where the wife is currently involved in an affair, their husband has no idea and is totally caught of guard. They say, there's many husbands out there doing the same, but nowhere near the amount compared to the wives. Its a terrible thing, no matter if its the husband, wife, or both at the same time. I was never unfaithful to my wife. There was many times, when the opportunity was there and the thought crossed my mind, especially when our marriage was at a low point in time, but I refused to cross the line. I honored my vow and my commitment. If not to her, my wife, to myself and the pride I have in keeping my word. Its called, CHARACTER......

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t
4 years ago #20
tanu
Guest

Hey U all talk about "character". U guys are saying that if a women involved in such cases its wrong..For men being involved in cheating was normal since decades.And they did what thy wanted, they got whatever they desire for..Its not justifiable too. I am a married women in the same situation. But nobody knows what I am going through..What I faced in my past..I am married for 5 years, my husband never gave me anything which I deserve as a wife..I fought with my parents because of me..He took me to another country saying he wants to give me everything..but lied..my parents are helping us financially...And whenever I ask him to find a good job..He gives me lame excuses. He does not want to work. He is no more the same guy I once married..I fallen in love with..He is really very smart in talking ****..because of him I have developed suicidal tendency..We are in debt..He sold all my jewellery..Sometimes we didnt have money to buy food and milk for my 3 year old daughter..he never bought a cloth for my daughter...
So now tell who is "culprit" and who is "victim".
I am a highly qualified girl with masters in IT..I left my job to marry him...
Now when this new guy is in my life, i told my husband that I want to marry this guy...I told my parents as well..But no one is ready..My husband is not ready to leave me..I told him straight away that I don't have any feelings or love for him...still he forces me for sex.
I am so s tucked that want to die..just living for my daughter..I was a fun- loving girl and my husband ruined my life and turned me into a depressed person..
I really cant live with him...

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s
4 years ago #21
surely confused
Guest

^^^ I've never said, it's okay for a man to do this type of thing, however, its not okay for a woman. I'm not sure if you're mistaken by the way in which our writing styles differ, and that is, more than likely, being from a difference in nationality and/or birth country. But in saying that, I feel it's the same principal & standard, for both male and female, no matter where you're from or what country you live in. In my opinion, adultery is, "adultery" and character is, "character" and that's not restricted to just my country, (U.S.A.). I believe it stretches and spans across the globe. But then again, that's just my opinion. As you can tell, just by reading through the comments listed here, our opinions differ and we don't always see it the same. But in that regard, I'll just agree to disagree, and call it a day.

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V
4 years ago #22
VMedina
Guest

Why didn't your long term affair work? Did you try to have a relationship with him after your divorce?

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d
4 years ago #23
dopefish
Guest

I am the "other guy" and the situation keeps getting worse. This really is an emotional terror. I hear of the beatings, the child abuse, the drinking (although an alcoholic myself) I've confronted him. And I do think its for the better that she comes my way. Financially I cannot support her kids, but that really isn't my duty anyway. The law is my next step. I don't know what else to do because she doesn't know how to take correct action against an abusive relationship. I've been cheated on before, I was enraged but I dropped her like a bag of bricks, no problem. I got a call from him this morning about 5:30 am talking trash calling me a home wrecker. If you were a good man she wouldn't have been looking for something better on the side. And it isn't my fault that you they had children. But we've been doing this for about a year now. Its causes stress in my job because I am the laborer and she is the housekeeper for the same man. This really is a screwed up situation. I don't know what to do anymore. She wants to wait for the kids,(til summer) I've been reading that in a lot of posts on multiple websites. All I can do is wait... I'm tired of waiting, she does for me what no other woman has. No matter what anybody says here though, I'm probably going to put him in jail. And follow through with child support orders. If we don't work out at least she'll be freed from this scumbag.

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m
3 years ago #24
maxbob
Guest

Cheating on your husband is a high for you to me you still in love with your husband and if you tell him and say leave him you will cheat again on the new man. It might not be for years but you will.
To me we have two sides of life, one is to find a person that you want to look after and enjoy to have togetherness but on the other side you are looking for excitement to please your body. Some people can find it in one person but many of us enjoy the challenge to find experience in want we are missing out of. So of us will bring home the excitement and that will make them closer.
I know of a couple and the husband was have affair with one at work, and when he slipped up one day the wife forgave him but she also said she was have affair so it did not matter . The wife could take it but the husband could not except his wife was enjoying life. Do you really now you partner.

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Dangerdiamond avatar
3 years ago #25
Dangerdiamond
Gold Member
Blogs: 0
Forum: 216
Votes: 9

I do not judge...We all Bleed the Same.
My lil story on your tale.
My husband cheated on me twice. I forgave him (maybe NOT) the first time not the second (enff). All the while a married gentleman was working for me for years. Well conversations started getting heavy about spouses and such. The chase was on mind you I respect myself all talk.
Well I told my hubby which is my X now... I wish to give your walking papers (basically)! Needless to say I jumped in with both feet to the new MAN and so did this man in to a Woolha lala relationship. I was with him for a year an a half came home to a NOTE and a Few bills lmao!

Trust wow that word def..has new meaning to me!
Also I feel Spirituality?Gods eye etc on paper you are Still married period! Men like a challenge and we all want what we can not have? Once you have a dose?
Think about my skipped tad story.
I wake up every morning on one knee asking for all the strength and MORE for the righteous CHOICE!

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C
3 years ago #26
Curious
Guest

I know it's been a year...but wondering what happened...

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A
3 years ago #27
All for one
Guest

It would be nice that the human race could love any one they want to at the same time having a stable person that would lesion to your pleasure and wants

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J
3 years ago #28
Jimmyellis56
Bronze Member
Blogs: 0
Forum: 69
Votes: 1

am i the only one with sense hear. you are cheating on your husband!!!!!!!!!!!!
while you have children!!!!!!
YOUR MARRIAGE IS AS GOOD AS DEAD NOW you ruined it .
this is whats going to happen if your husband has sense.
1. he will divorce you
2. he will hate you for a long perioud
3. it will effect you children
4. if this guy you claim to love is so amazing , why does he choose to sleep with a married woman.
5.you feel bad because its wrong
6. you know its wrong thats why your on here crying
7.you clearly don't love you children that much if your title implys you running aways from young children for your won selfish gains.

but to be honest your husband desverves better so you should tell hime whats going on and give him the power to leave you and take the kids. your ksut a liabilty if you run off with a stranger of two years. compared to the guy who puts a roof over your head, marries you , wants to spend his life with you and gives you his kids.

but you already know all of this, you messed up

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J
3 years ago #29
Jimmyellis56
Bronze Member
Blogs: 0
Forum: 69
Votes: 1

oh i didn't see the post about the abusive relationship.
then that changes the story. if a man puts his hands on you f him off. do it in his bed , spend his hard earned money on this other guy do what ever you can to upset him. then take the house and kids. as long as this new guy is prepared to be a father n treat you and the kids right.

sounds to me like you upgraded congrats

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j
3 years ago #30
julie
Guest

Thanks to this great man of spirit called ****which I don't know how to thank him for the good work he has Don for me and family which I want to share my testimony with to you all so I was married to **.and my name is ** for six years now he left me with two kids with know reason which I don't know what to do.so one day i was in my friends place when I exposed my pain to her about my depression which I have be looking for who to help me out of it then my friend called me closer to her self telling me on how she got this great man of spirit who helped her found her way to get her husband back then I ask of his contact she quickly go and get her computer and gave me his Email ID and his number so,that is how I contacted him for a help. And now am so happy with my family and with a happy home if you are in such pain

Edited for spam by banshee

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