courtesy of Curtis Gregory Perry
This morning, I conducted a “sting” of sorts to try to find out some very important information regarding possible lying/cheating. I can’t say I was proud of myself for doing a bit of sleuthing, but I was compelled to go somewhere to find out once and for all where I really stood in my relationship. I went out preparing myself for the worst and hoping like Hell for the best. Actually, the worst didn’t happen, and what did happen could not have been better if I had staged the entire scenario. The details of my discovery are irrelevant, since I didn’t discover anything untoward. Yet, because my entire life kind of hung in the balance during the past few hours, I decided to write a blog, not about myself or for myself, but for all of you who might have issues with cheating or lying partners.
I sat in front of my computer when I returned home, and I made a list of things to look for if you suspect your partner might be cheating or lying about a relationship with someone else.
1. Changing their usual style of dressing. This might sound superficial, but, if your partner usually dresses casually and suddenly dresses conservatively, this could be a red flag. The cliche that “Clothes make the man (or the woman)” does have some validity.
2. Suddenly spending a lot of time at the gym. If your partner is usually a couch potato and has put on weight and all of a sudden becomes a “gym rat”, look out. There’s either someone AT the gym whom your partner covets or your partner is trying to lose weight to impress someone other than you. Of course, there are those of us who habitually go to the gym because we know we have a weight problem. It’s not about usually going to the gym; it’s about suddenly going to the gym.
3. Working late. Let’s say your partner or regular lover has a regular 9-5 job and starts putting in a lot of overtime when there is no financial need to do so. Maybe your partner really is working late, or maybe your partner is up to something else.
4. Not contacting you after promising to do so. Okay. So, you didn’t have the greatest conversation in the morning with your partner and you brought up the name of a person you didn’t like. The conversation ended abruptly, but, more significantly, your partner failed to contact you at the appointed time. This could be a sign that your partner IS involved with the person you can’t stand.
5. Avoiding intimacy with you. Until recently, you always had the hots for one another and you were always planning for your next tryst. Suddenly your lover acts as if doing the “nasty” with you is furthest from his or her mind. In fact, you can’t even pinpoint the last time you were intimate together. This, to me, is a major sign that something is wrong and that your regular lover or partner has someone else.
6. Spending less time with you in general. Partners are supposed to want to spend time together. If they are suddenly too busy for you or claim they have too many things on their minds, they just aren’t into you and they might be into someone else.
7. Going out with the boys or the girls more often than usual. All of us sometimes have a boys’ or girls’ night out, but, when the frequency of these nights increases, it might mean that there’s some cheating going on.
8. Engaging in “off-the-table-itis.” Suddenly, your partner doesn’t want to discuss a certain person of the opposite sex (or of the same sex, if they happen to be gay). Your partner would rather take such discussions of the table. Why? Because they’re afraid that, by talking too much about that person, they might give away the fact that they are intimately involved with that person.
9. Accusing you of cheating for no reason. People who cheat will often turn things around and accuse you of lying to them or of cheating on them. Or of flattering them excessively. Because they feel guilty about doing something they’re not supposed to be doing, they want you to believe they don’t trust you. That takes away some of their guilt.
10. Repeating the same things over and over again about what they’re NOT doing. When someone does that, don’t you sometimes feel as though the person “doth protest too much”?
11. Becoming overly critical of you. For years, your significant other accepted some of your imperfections and all of a sudden they become significant. This is possibly because your significant other found someone else who doesn’t have the same imperfection you have.
12. Blaming you for not doing something important to them even when they know they are expecting too much of you. “If only you would.....” is a way of saying that what you’re doing just isn’t good enough, even though you might not have the financial means to do what he or she wants you to do.
13. Narcissism. A person who’s a narcissist needs to be admired. Maybe you aren’t admiring your significant other enough. Maybe you spoiled your significant other with words or deeds expressing undying love and you’re not doing this anymore because you’re not getting the same attention from your partner. So, what does your partner who’s a narcissist do? He or she finds someone else who will truly appreciate him or her.. or whom he thinks will do so. Narcissists need constant admiration.
14. Phone or computer habits change. For a while, you were only supposed to contact your significant other at certain times. Now, all of a sudden, the times of the day have changed when you’re supposed to chat. This is probably because he or she is with someone else at the times he or she used to be with you (either on the computer or on the phone).
15. Starts fights for no reason. Everything seems to be going well and all of a sudden your partner picks on you or starts an argument over some trivial matter. This is a form of distancing. Your partner doesn’t want to remain that close to you. It also gives him or her an excuse to go out and cheat.
Obviously, some of the criteria I listed above might not mean anything. I just sat around brainstorming and I came up with these fifteen possible signs of possible cheating. Obviously, the more signs you notice, the more wary you should be. And, sometimes you simply have to go with your gut. What is your gut telling you? Are you being needlessly insecure or jealous or is there REAL cause for concern?
This morning, I answered my own questions regarding two people I know. I feel liberated and at ease. If I hadn’t probed a little bit and gone on a fishing expedition, I might still be in the dark. Now, I’m a happy camper. I hope you might see some validity in what I wrote. And, also bear in mind that cheating doesn’t mean the end of the world or the end of a relationship either. There ARE shades of gray. There are unforgivable types of cheating, such as when my late husband’s first wife cheated on him in order to have a baby and came home to him saying, “I just slept with a coworker and I’m pregnant, and you should be happy to know he looks just like you.” That’s hitting below the belt. If, on the other hand, your partner comes home and says, “I slept with my ex because she was about to slit her wrists”, maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive your partner.