Gummybears’ recent posts about his having secretly joined a sex site inspired me to write this blog concerning the pros and cons of joining sex sites.
As a widow over 50 seeking male companionship, my options for finding love were limited. From my personal experience, people who join the more conventional dating sites such as Match.com, Cupid.com or eharmony.com tend to be a lot younger than I am. And, along with their youth, realistically speaking, they possess more outer beauty. Therefore, even a fairly attractive woman over 60 like me has to compete with younger gals for dates. I definitely could pass for 55, but I don’t want to lie about my age because lies have a nasty way of catching up with us. A close friend of mine who joined a few dating sites lied about her age, and then she wondered why the men she met didn’t come back for more. It’s easy to lie online about one’s age, education, background, etc., but too often our lies come back to haunt us.
When it comes to sex sites, on the other hand, women of ALL ages have a distinct advantage over men. This is because many women are reluctant to join sex sites in the first place. Why are they so reluctant? Because, even in today’s society, women who admit they need sex are looked down upon and laughed at. You know the old story: Men who are sexually desirable are studs; women who need sex are *****.
Because many women hesitate to join sex sites, women who are brave enough to strut their stuff on a sex site quickly learn that the ratio of men to women is something like 5 to 1. Great for the women.. bad for the men!
Men, on the other hand, unless they are built or gorgeous, have a distinct disadvantage on these sites because of the fact that there are many more men on these sex sites than women. Then again, gay men might have a slight edge over straight men. There are a surprising number of gay men and women on these sites, as well as a good share of swappers and swingers. I don’t have any problems with the gays, but the swappers and swingers are definitely not my cup of tea!
Straight men really have to stand out on sex sites in order to be noticed. Take this male pen pal of mine, whom I met on a sex site. He was in his 50’s, worked out religiously in the gym every day, had an IQ of at least 150 and yet could not get a date because he was separated. He lived in the Midwest (much too far away from me) but he and I became pen pals because he noticed I have a brain in my head, and he thought I had some insight into how women think. I became his personal relationship adviser. We still correspond. Some of his emails about his failed efforts are distinctly but, on the other side of the coin, I really feel badly for him.
It’s hard to generalize, and surely some of you might be able to add to my list of pros and cons of joining sex sites. However, this is the way I see things:
1. On a sex site, you can be yourself. You can talk freely about your sexual preferences without being made to feel like some kind of pervert. There are questionnaires designed to allow people to express what they want and what they won’t tolerate in a sexual situation.
2. You can have innocent fun by blogging or by joining forums where people bring their sexual concerns and questions. I had a lot of fun on a sex site through blogging and through addressing other people’s sexual concerns. Also, by writing blogs and chatting, other people on the site get to know you and you might make new friends. It also worked to my advantage that I’m able to write. People on the site actually admired me for my writing ability and many thanked me for my advice.
3. Unlike on conventional dating sites, “sex” isn’t a dirty word. I was actually once called a “*****” by some of the other older women on a senior regular dating site for showing some cleavage and for talking about my sexual concerns.
4. On a sex site, you can use “gimmicks” in order to attract attention. I was in off-Broadway musicals in my heyday. A few years ago, when I joined a sex site, I decided to become a singing stripper, and my gimmick won me a lot of points and approbation. Because I have an imagination as well as a decent singing voice, guys noticed me and I got more mail than I could have imagined. I was voted as one of the sexiest women on the site, and, when I unsubscribed, I received many messages about how people miss my stripteases - lol.
5. Because people’s profiles are very explicit, you can rule out types you don’t want to meet, such as swingers or people who are heavily into BDSM (unless of course these things happen to be your thing).
6. You can tell off color jokes without getting slammed.
7. You can meet a much wider variety of people on a sex site. People from all walks of life and from all countries join these sex sites. I found this entertaining, since I’m a foreign language teacher. I found German, French and Spanish pen pals on this site. This allowed me to practice my languages.
8. You can establish “rules” before meeting someone in person. You can say you won’t have sex on a first date, for instance. This way both parties know what to and what not to expect.
9. And yes, you can even find true love on a sex site. I met my fiance on one and we’re getting married in March. Not everyone who joins a sex site is looking for NSA sex or one night stands!
1. There are many scam artists on sex sites. The scam artists usually post phony pictures and say they have advanced degrees, are local and work in the commodities trades. Some of them say they travel a lot because they sell gold, for example. They post gorgeous pictures of other people. Their profile is written in flawless English. When you finally give them your phone number, they speak with heavy accents and say things such as “I will like to know you better. I am God-fearing and I think you are my one true love.” It’s amazing how similarly these scam artists operate. Some even ask for money for their kids. True, we can report them but they eventually come back under other identities in order to perpetuate their scams.
2. Liars abound on sex sites. They post pictures of themselves which are 20 years old and then they wonder why you run for the hills when you finally meet them. Or, they lie about their marital status and you eventually run for the hills when you find out they are married.
3. You can meet people who are totally **** up and even dangerous, such as the man with the gun who needed an “assistant” to hold his wife down at gunpoint while he raped her, or the guy who needed a woman to beat him with whips and chains. The problem is that you have no inkling as to what people are really about until you meet them. And then you have to think of a clever way to cut them loose, as it were. SAFETY is definitely an issue, and you should always meet in a public place at first. You should always tell your friends where you are and take your cell phone along and hope for the best. Yes, there is some risk involved.. I won’t lie about that.
4. Some men assume that ALL women on sex sites are *****, so you’ll get your daily ration of dirty pictures and uncouth propositions. You just have to expect this and forge a thick skin to weed such people out.
5. You might be recognized by members of your church or your place of business. I’m pretty sure this happened to me, although no one will admit this. The younger and older women at the church just love me. The women my age barely speak to me. I wonder why???
6. Some people automatically expect instant sex, as the site advertises “Get laid tonight.” When they don’t get it, they can become nasty. As long as they don’t become violent, I say it’s their problem.
7. If you’re not just looking for sex, you need to make it VERY clear on your profile page. My profile heading was something like “Bodacious, Busty Brunette Seeks Long-Term Relationship.” Many people will read your profile and pass over you if all they want is no strings attached fun. Then again, some people just watch your video and don’t bother to read your profile. In those cases, you can just delete their emails or simply tell them you’re not interested.
8. Sometimes you will find that people PRETEND to want what you want just to get some _____. I actually dated one guy for over a year thinking he might want a long-term relationship with me. When he talked about relocating and didn’t include me in the equation, I ended it. The funny thing was that both he and I were disappointed with the outcome.
So, there you have it. My thoughts about sex sites. I belonged to a sex site for 2-1/2 years until I met my fiance. When I saw his face among my daily matches, my first reaction was, “Who IS that man”? It was almost like love at first sight (yes, gummybears, I can relate to your post). I normally don’t make it a habit to approach men, but this guy was too good to pass up. He was six years my junior, so I hesitated at first, especially since he mentioned he was looking for women from the ages of 45 to 58.
Then, I said to myself, what could I lose by contacting him? The worst that could happen was that he could say “Not interested” or he might not respond at all. Within a half hour, he wrote back to me and he said that he “arbitrarily” put an age range in his profile because he didn’t know what to put there. He also explained that he had lost his wife and that she happened to have been one month older than I am.
We met the very next day. We clicked immediately and the rest, as they say, is history. I’m not saying we don’t have any problems. I believe every relationship requires SOME work. But, we’re heading to the altar and we’re still very much taken with one another. And, to think I met him on a SEX site!
Your thoughts? Experiences?