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The term “No Contact” is very prevalent in break-up literature, becoming almost the hallmark “Gold Standard” for dealing with this often painful situation. However, many people often don’t understand what they are supposed to do with no contact. It is like a detailed recipe with the last page missing! So in simple terms, lets break this down a little bit and examine the basic anatomy of the NC rule:
1.) Who did the initiating?
2.) What is the purpose of trying NC?
3.) How long do you maintain NC?
1.) Who initiates NC?
NC may be initiated by one or both parties, but the one who does the dumping often is the one to initiate. But that makes sense, right? He/She has made a decision to remove themselves from a relationship, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel remorse or sadness. It is simply that they have come to a decision that at this time they feel is right or that they feel they must stand by. In order to do this, they must move away from their ex and the hurt they’ve caused them (guilt) and begin to heal. They may also need to sort out their emotions and validate their decision for themselves in an objective manner away from ground zero.
Less commonly, the one dumped will initiate NC. This is done because they are feeling rejected and hurt (rightly so), and they want to stay away from the person who has made them feel this way. But unlike a dumper, often they do not want to initiate this NC, but feel compelled because they have little alternatives or they are advised by others to do so.
2.) What is the purpose of NC?
No Contact beyond the initial breakup generally serves (2) purposes:
1.) To allow time to heal and move on from the breakup
2.) To try and re-establish contact with the ex after some space apart
In the first scenario, this may generally arise from either a difficult breakup or a mutual decision to move on and past the relationship. Generally, NC is initiated with the desire to maintain this for an indefinite period, or until both parties have lost any romantic attachment, which may not be for a long time. Everyone handles relationships differently, and for some, cutting all ties is the only way to really let go of a partner.
In the second scenario, the dumpee or sometimes the dumper may need the time away to reflect on the relationship and grow as a person. Usually this scenario exists when people have a strong connection to their former partner, and they cannot bear the idea of never having any contact with them again. This is true of for former lovers in long term partnerships, or those who had great friendships before or during the relationship. These instances create a temporary NC period just to cool off and let the intensity of the breakup subside. At some points one person may initiate the contact and the other will be happy to reciprocate.
Other times, NC is done with the desire to try and win an ex back. In this area, NC may work successfully, or it may lead the partners in to scenario #1. The truth is, NC only works if there is a “meeting of the minds,” meaning that both parties feel strongly for the other, and they intend to make contact again in the future with the possibility of revisiting the romance. If there is no love in a relationship to begin with, NC really is nothing more than you entering scenario #1 and hoping for things to change. Unfortunately this isn’t how people work.
What happens more often than not, is that people are not on the same wavelength w/ NC, or they try to skip the friendship part and dive into a full blown romance again. NC is a process that takes time to work. I don’t follow the whole premises of who must initiate and keeping scores and all that. Love doesn’t and shouldn’t work that way. Love is about being the stronger person and stepping up to the plate when the time IS RIGHT (mind you). People make mistakes, and the dumper and dumpee who initiate NC may be no exception. That said, finally :
3.) How long to you keep NC:
There is really no time line for NC. In fact, it is better to look at NC as working toward a long term goal. What does one say when they’re doing this? “I will stick with it as long as it takes.” This is the key here. You cannot rush love and friendship, so why NC? Just because it takes longer to work, doesn’t mean it can’t, just as immediate results don’t guarantee it will last. Both people need to be at the right stage in life to reflect and come to terms with the end of the relationship before anything can go forward. And no two people are equally balanced in a relationship.The important thing is to move forward and work on one’s own life, because you cannot put your needs on hold indefinitely either. Grow as a person and let that person grow as well. Now, if the person doesn’t wish to make contact after a few initiatives (I say 4-6 times), then it is safe to say that they don’t wish to revisit anything at this time, and you must respect this. The ending of relationships are just as important as the beginning, so make sure that you leave a lasting impression on your ex by showing them respect. But I am a firm believer that in life, things really do come around again, esp. people who had a significant impact in your life. So be patient, decide if NC is right for you, and most importantly STICK WITH IT.
Hope this illuminates a little bit about NC, and perhaps leaves room to explore this topic in the future for clarity.
I had never thought of NC in such an involved way, but definitely believe that since it takes two to tango, and breakups are often very charged, no contact is a good way for both parties to find their feet, and to see through the sparks, and recognize what it is they each want, as individuals. Its hard to stick to,but in order not to get into lengthy breakups, its probably the way to go.
What about when the one you love talked to you a mth ago…everything was ok..then suddenly out of the blue they dont contact you…no email..no calls…no texts..or instant messages.
This has happened to me..it doesnt make sense.
Well, there may be a lot of reasons for this. Generally speaking, you have to look at who initiated the breakup and what the reasons were. But if if we are to make an EXTREMELY broad generalization here, it all boils down to emotions: someone feels hurt and is uncertain whether NC will alleviate this pain or not. If the breakup is still relatively fresh, your partner may feel that it hurts too much to be in contact with you, and thus they begin to stop contact for a while. It may resume, it may never, but reasons are hard to gauge without some more facts:)
Sometimes, no contact is the only way to heal. I have to cut ties with my ex and have NC because it was a difficult break up. I love him so much but he only want to stay in contact with me as friends. When you are hurting remaining friends is not possible. Feeling will get hurt and you will feel pain all over again. The only thing that keep me going is NC. It’s hard but time will help you heal. I believe that one day both he and I will be in contact again and our friendship may resume or it may not. It’s true that both of us needs to grow and take a step back. I can’t be in contact with my ex because he only wanted me to be there to comfort him when his other relationship didn’t work out. It hurt too much to want to be in contact with your ex if he doesn’t want to be in contact with you. I can only respect his choice and NC is the right choice for me.
well moine dont want to tlak about the breaking up but he still say he miss me and how beautifula nd important i am on his life, when i ask him about the breaking up he say when i finish my fellowship in may everything gonna be easier so i dotn know what to do but no cotact ruloe helped me to he contacted me almost daily from a week ago!!
I am going to talk with the man I am with about no contact, he and I are fast approaching rocky shores in a boat that leaks but have great love for one another and I am pregnant, due in July. We will see how this works. Thanks!
"Other times, NC is done with the desire to try and win an ex back. In this area, NC may work successfully, or it may lead the partners in to scenario #1. The truth is, NC only works if there is a “meeting of the minds,” meaning that both parties feel strongly for the other, and they intend to make contact again in the future with the possibility of revisiting the romance. If there is no love in a relationship to begin with, NC really is nothing more than you entering scenario #1 and hoping for things to change. Unfortunately this isn’t how people work."
my gf of many years who i lived with for three says that she loves me but is no longer in love. we broke up and i begged her back a couple weeks. now i’ve told her that i need space to get over her. did i just cement our breakup or am i making steps towards getting back together. she knows for a fact [because i told her so] that i still want her back, so i doubt she’s worried that i’m gonna go away. was no contact the wrong move in this instance, then?
No contact rule is such a risky business. There’s so much at stake when you initiate it because also that person might get a message that you’re avoiding contact because you are over the person and they will just keep the no contact going. Sure it might give the person you’re applying the NC to some time to miss you but when you meet up with friends and they happen to be there you begin to think whether or not to keep up NC publicly, and like me you end up saying nothing to the person while talking to your mates and she hoped that you say something to her, and you just leave while you didn’t say a word to your ex. I pretty much just panicked and thought you still use NC publicly but now it lead her to delete me from her friends list on Facebook. I guess there is a reason they’re called your EX girlfriend or boyfriend, because they don’t want to be anywhere near you or in your life.
PrincessKomomo and Chev06 I do agree with both of you I myself is using No contact to move on with my life eve though he wants to stay in contact as friends, its the best thing for me because its too painful to stay in contact. I tried trust me I tried to be a phone friend with him initially but it didnt work because he stopped calling me baby and kept using my first name, that hurted me so much. It simply didnt work. so i told him politely to stop contact me and Why? In the case of Chev06 i see where you are coming from. Because if you want ur ex back a prolonged period of no contact may look like you have moved on and no longer have any interest. I grow up thinking that men should always be the initiator dont matter who did the breaking up. But the dating rules have evolved so much I dont really know whats the rules. I guess its a cultural thing. To me , only my opinion I beleive women are more emotional than men, If the rule say we should let them pursue us. then let the men lead the relationship. I always say the relationship is up to the man becasue once a man dont want it no more, no more attraction we as women acn beg, cry and holler he wont budge. Men can alwys talk us back in a relationship that we no longer feelimng. The trick men is to talk, talk, talk, u will get tired but its the only thing that works, give her a space maybe a week and the pursue her again.. be persistent and consistent.
Well it’s been about 2 weeks of heartbreak I did not read about no contact and I really wish I did at this point. My ex randomly broke it off with me after a year but had bought me a ring and even told my son he wanted to be a major role in his life, he had told me he needed time to clear his head over an argument we had a month prior he said he couldn’t bounce back.. Automatically I jumped and acted out of emotions carrying on with texts and being pathetic, he changed his status to single not even a day letter of our break up and left without even a face to face and disappeared out of my sons life with no good bye to him.. as a result I deleted anyone and everyone from my facebook that was associated with him (even family) out of embarrasement.. after days of speaking to him and texting I realized last week I needed to just stop contacting him it’s been five days and I know I should be doing this for me but I’m wondering if he will ever realize what he had done and with the reality of me not being around would he come to his senses..
My guy wants space. He wants to date other people and be free. 62 years old and acts like a teenager. Do you think the nc rule will help? When he told me this I loaded up my belongings and when he said see you round I said no you won’t. He looked really shocked and a little teary eyed.
Suldenflu - boys will be boys…
Hopefully, he is mature enough so that if he wants you back he will act soon, and not mess around with games.
NC will be good for you though, help you leave him in the passed instead of putting up with his nonsense.
I’ve done the NC rule 2x with the same person. We were friends, but acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. My feelings were getting to envoled so I figured it was best we didn’t talk since he only wanted to be friends and I wanted more. After both times I initiated the no contact rule he still called me? The second time took a little longer, but he still did? Though I was hurting, I was okay with the fact that we were no longer talking. I was ready to accept him out of my life and move on with NC. After we started talking the second time after the NC rule, I thought I’d be alot stronger and okay with the fact of us being friends. Boy was I wrong. Feelings of course came rushing back again. So today I initiated NC for the third time. I’m not sure why this guy is so interested in being my friend? He knows how I feel, so why does he keep interrupting my life to gain the BFF status from me? I’m not sure if he’ll call again this time though.
You have done this to a guy who doesn’t usually regard what you say much anyway.
I want more than friendship, I want no contact.
He just does what he wants, when he wants.
Sometimes the NC rule will come back to haunt you. I had a girlfriend who dumped me 30 years ago with really no reason she ever gave. At that point I entered a NC rule and although she contacted me a few times after that I kept up that rule. Now 30 years later for whatever reason I keep thinking of her and it brings back that lingering pain. So now that I’m much older maybe being so stolid in keeping up the NC rule for so long was not such a good idea.
@gymgirlie Are you saying he’s looking at me as a joke? He’ll do what he wants to do with me? Odly enough, I’ve felt like that. I know that he doesn’t want to be with me and keeping his options open especially because he’s told me on numerous occasions that he wants to settle down. I guess just not with me….lol. I get tired of being everybodys muse.
@Doomedtoremember Don’t sell yourself short. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was thinking about you to.
Weve been broken up for 4 weeks now. I didnt start no contact straight away and instead i sent him lots of texts begging him to take me back. He got annoyed, he said we needed time and promised he’d contact some time but i just kept annoying him by contacting. I’ve not contacted him for a whole week now and i got to greece for the next two weeks. How long am i meant to wait, will he still contact like he said, or did i make him too mad?
You need to let him make the first move.
Period.
You wait, until he contacts you.
I know its so hard. But its so important.
You need to stop talking to men and just start watching them.
So you dont think he will break his promise just because i made him mad?
Depends. Don’t know why you broke up.
But the thing is…it is so important to make him miss you by being gone for awhile. You have to let a guy lead the relationship. Otherwise, you are just his little sister or his mom.
He said he hadn’t been happy because towards the end of our relationship college was stressing me out and i use to get moody sometimes and take it out on him. He said the spark had gone. He said he didnt want to lose me out his life completly and thats why he said we should be friends. But then i dont know if he wants to do that now because i annoyed him by panicking and begging/cofessining my undying love etc. We were together 18months.
He may have used that excuse and it may be partly true.
But the interest, even when your a perfect girlfriend, sometimes wanes from a partner. He may just not be ready and those little things didn’t take as much as you thought.
But definitely, is to go silent mode and go one with life and wait for him to contact you. You need to show him that you have some self control. If you contact first, you lose. If he never calls, you know he just wasn’t as serious as you and don’t be so hard on yourself. It wasn’t all your fault.
Yeah ive not contacted for a week now, and im in greece for the next 2 weeks aswel. ive got some dvds of his and hes got an earring of mine but someone said to me he might just not be bothered about them .. but there still his so i dont think he’d do that.
To anon, yes, he doesn’t have much regard for your requests or needs.
Well I got to say this method really works I’m starting to heal little by little I was heartbroken when my boyfriend broke up with me he told me he was stressed and had a lot going on and might even go away so he couldn’t b in a relationship like almost 2 weeks later I find out that he’s with his ex so that really made me angry that’s why I made the decision that I don’t want him in my life anymore he recently Texted me saying I hope your ok do you guys think I’m doing r
the right thing???
@caren012 I think you’re doing the right thing. I mean he wasn’t to stress to link back up with his ex girlfriend. I hate when guys do stupid things. Anyways, I’m not a guy, but I feel that if a guy wants to be with you… he’ll be with you.