why did he blame me

am devastated and I need an opinion...I met this guys 5 years ago while I was travelling. I fell for him and I believed he fell for me as well. It was my first relationship with an older man and because our cultures and language backgrounds were different sometimes it was a struggle to fully understand each other. According to him from the beginning I appeared to be quite a demanding person whereas he was much more relaxed and very much aloof at times English is not my first language and there were many misunderstandings with him because of that.. After 5 months we had been together, we had a huge fight as I snapped at him for a stupid thing and he got really hurt. We were supposed to go on holiday together after few days but he told him he did not want to go anymore and he wanted to break up..My world collapsed and I apologised to him and I pleaded him to stay and come with me. I realised straight away I had been wrong and from that moment I promised myself to be more careful. I was blaming my inexperience in relationships. He decided to come away with me but he told me he would have not gone back as a boyfriend..in my head I was hoping he would have changed his mind and I spent the entire holiday asking him and crying to go back..Back from the holiday we dragged each into this NON boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We would call each other every day and we had sex and we were intimate but he never showed a commitment. The more I cried the more arrogant he became .. However he was always there for me and when I was calm and I didn't push, he was nice to me but he didn't bring me out much with his friends and he never introduced me as a girlfriend, even to his parents I was just a friend. Then he decided to take time off work and go for a 3 months trip meanwhile I moved on my own to his apartment and during that time he was calling and emailing me every so often. However I became really depressed and I started being desperate with all the situation that I wasn't a `proper girlfriend` and I wanted to have a commitment from him. I could not understand why he could be so close and intimated but at the same time he didn't want any label of girlfriend. He kept on repeating that first we should have worked on the friendship and he did not like labels. He was upset with me for asking him constantly to go back together and just before coming back from his trip he told me to leave the apartment as he did not want to find me there. I moved out but we started being intimate again but he was getting angry at me so easily and that made me cry continuously. When I started feeling better he told he was reconsidering going back to me but after few days he started blaming me to be too much demanding and intense. I was only asking normal things that every girlfriend asked including respect and communication. Something that really drove me crazy as well was the fact that he was always going out only with female friends and he was drinking a lot. We went away for a weekend and that was the first time I snooped on his phone and I found out flirty texts with this girl who was living in another country and he met when he was away. I told him and he threatened me to leave me as he got so mad at me for looking though his stuff and he claimed me she was only a friend. I forgave him...but in the following years I discovered he flew over quite often to see this girl and she came to see him as well. Of course I did not know anything about all this till I actually snooped on his phone a second time as he was always making excuses he was busy or he was visiting his family when they were meeting..but he still called me every day and he was always intimate with me. I also discovered a letter written by her..but every time he denied everything and made me believe I was mad. He walked away blaming me to be abusive and manipulative and I always pleaded him to give us another chance. ..Last year I decided once again to believe him and get over the past and give him another chance (I had nightmares for years about this woman and I even contacted her by email once and she replied to me that they were together and to leave their lives but still he was God to me) but last February he told me she had booked a flight to come and see him again. I was not happy with that and I felt a little bit stronger and I started thinking I would have rather lost him for good than kept up with his lies and the situation, so I told him to choose and I told him that considering the past I was not ok with him seeing her even as a friend. At the point he went down on his knee and he told me he had chosen me and he wanted to be together again and he also agreed to fly over to my country for the first time to meet my parents..I finally felt like he had changed. But..two weeks ago he left his email account open on my computer in my house and I could not help myself..it seemed like the computer was left there for me to look at (as normally in 5 years he had always been extremely careful and private with his stuff).. I even thought he did it on purpose to test me. Anyway I found out he was still lying to me and I felt my heart torn apart like ever before. Even after he met my parents and he told me he chose me...he lied. In february she had came over anyway and she came over last new years eve after he told me an excuse not to spend it with me claiming he did not like to celebrate that day with anyone. I even found out naughty emails with an other girl. Once he was drunk and he even flirted with my best friend.. I told him on the and he just started abusing me by calling me names and he told me he did not want to see me ever again, he said I was dead to him, I was the total opposite of a nice person for invading his privacy and with that action I chose to end it...and since then he disappeared without an explanation. And I really fear I won't see him ever again. I coped with all his lies and arrogance and lack of commitment and I believed in him when he said he loved me ..on the contrary he leaves me with no explanations and he just blame me for reading. He told me he felt violated and no other woman he knows would have done something like that. I know I shouldn't have looked and I am feeling really guilty but we had a past and I could sense something. I feel extremely guilty for reading it because maybe she was only a friend at the end and I feel so bad for having been so demanding with him. I know I always took him back as I believed in our relationship and I always blamed the fact I was too demanding and he could not manage his anger. I haven't slept or eaten since then and everyday I starred at my mobile hoping he would call.. I want to know why 5 years of relation have finished like that after I gave him the world.. I always stood by his side. I want to know why did he decide to end it because I read?? Did he not take in consideration what he did ? What I read? I need a strong advice on how getting over this.. I do not understand nor accept how he can walk away like that because I read those stuff and not actually because he had another woman? How can he gets angry and blame me for violating his privacy why I was entitled to know the truth? cheers...

Hi Berti, welcome to the forum. I hope you will like it here


People are funny sometimes. They can do things one would expect least of them. Emotions, feelings and love are the most complicated issues one has to deal with when involved in relationships. I think he just opted for the 'easy way out', like most men, they prefer to have no problems even if that means letting go of the love of their life.

thanks....
...i just got a text him from him saying: `I hope we get over everything . Heal our hearts. And meet somebody on the same page. Miss you but I am devasted`..what does he mean? why did he change his mind? is it a way to tell me he forgives me for snooping or he feels guilty for cheating????

I think he doesn't want to close all doors with you. Be careful though. Think about yourself and preserving your own feelings first. That is also what he is doing, so don't feel guilty.

Hi, In every relationship, problems occur when there is a clash of values. Both the partners may not share the same values and that may cause friction leading to a break-up. Values are our beliefs about what is right and what is wrong. For some of us, the value of frugal living is very important. While for others family ties are important as a value. Does your partner share your values or are both of you leading towards a collision and break-up?

Post edited by: ayngel, at: 2008/07/07 08:57

hi angelarose20, sorry to have edited your message but spamming is not allowed on this forum