Why No Contact Doesn’t Win Them Back

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For those wondering about No Contact as a good policy, the answer cannot be found cruising through chat forums. Your situation is unique. This is love. It is nothing to do with power, or how tough you are, or burning memories of your sweetheart. Relationships end and rekindle all the time.

No Contact doesn’t help a situation. You might get her back through jealousy but that is not a strong foundation for the future. My advice is to tell her you want some time apart, just to breathe, and to respect her wishes for a little space. Maybe 3 weeks or so. Let the emotions calm down. Then perhaps meet for coffee. Just have a few laughs together. You have to normalize your emotions.

You will know if you truly want this woman or man once the physical lust has subsided. But in terms of getting back together, it takes time, but don’t let fear get in the way. Put your pride aside. Get the ego out of the way. Truly understand how she feels, and let her take the wheel for now. Maturity, and your inner peace will stand you head and shoulders above any competitor.

Since most relationships blow up at some point, and most dates are a disaster, and since it is so hard to find that rare gem you could be with forever, don’t worry that you will be replaced too quickly. You won’t be. Trust in yourself. Be brave enough to get real with her, yet please retain your self respect.

Concentrate on yourself for now. Use this emotional time to write, or do something creative, workout, take photographs, kick **** at work, use all that time to get back on top. Just remember that one day, she will be back. Very young girls need to explore. Let them. But check in from time to time. Don’t lose touch. Let them feel endlessly comfortable and loved by you. In the end, they will see the light.

Image by Melody Campbell via Flickr

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment or give me a


  • rocket0512: Wow this really helped alot! So during that "3 week break" are you saying NC or periodically contact eachother?
  • vladivostok391: Wow, that was well-written, insightful, and yet so simple. You’re absolutely right - "Let them feel endlessly comfortable and loved by you. In the end, they will see the light."
  • taj012: as are you saying that we should tell our ex that we are planning to not talk to them? I wasn’t planning on doing No Contact for more than a few weeks anyways, but you suggest that we give them a heads up?
  • banshee: I wouldn’t announce that I was going NC. I would just do it.
  • landscapelad: yep all sounds cool until they call you off a private number crying that’s the flaw in the plan my friends!!!!!!
  • banshee: NC should be used to get yourself over a breakup, period. That is the only guaranteed good you’ll get out of it. I guess it MIGHT coincidentally make the other person miss you, but that is just playing games. Then again, dating and flirting are also games in their own way. Some of us just play them better than others.
  • Igo: I agree with Loveandpeace....NC works for some, not others. My ex gf dumped me almost a month ago, and going NC was my only option since she blocked my number (for HER benefit, not because I blew up her phone) and since I don’t have Facebook, it’s a moot point to "stalk" her page.
    Some people (like my ex gf) view NC with indifference because they know that the other person misses them and would kill or die to hear from them at any given time, however.... I know my ex gf and her mentality right now is, "Don’t know, don’t care." She’s not like that to be mean since SHE broke up with me; she just has to protect her heart and keep from caving in instead of moving on. Like banshee said, "It MIGHT make the other person miss you, but that is just playing games."
    Takeaway key issue: Miss them, cry over the loss, pick yourself up and focus on yourself and trust in love.
  • evan9126: NC has worked in a situtation very similair to the one i am in now. (read my post if need be, actually if anyone can please help id love any real assistance) however it just feels a little bit different this time. also it is much harder as we still live together and cant really change that situation right now for financial reasons. Also, i dont believe its so much playing games as in giving the other person time and space, as well as what they ask for. if they know you still love them and they are a decent person at all, they will see that. i know its extremely difficult to concentrate on anything else. (as i said im going through a similar situation now). in my personal opinion i like a "modified" NC policy. each case is different and it taylors to an individual relationships needs and personality. the trick now is to heed my own advice. ive helped numerous relationships in the past and it seems the only one i can help ever is my own.
  • bluefish: Well I Can Say For My Self, I Was With The Same Girl For Years Like 14 Years. We Both Loved Each Other Every Min Together. We Have Two Kids Together. One Day Out Of The Blue, She Said I Think We Would Be Happier Apart. Wow Are You Kidding Me, Blown My Mind. So Anyhow I Didn’t Want To Get Mad But I Did, I Didn’t Want To Act Like A 14 Year Old Boy But I Did. I Know What I Did Wrong, And I Am Working On This Issue. I Can’t Go NC On Her Because Of The KidS So We Still Talk Every Day. Take The Kids To The Park So On And So on. Well When We Talk I Try Not To Talk About Us, It Comes Up Here And There, it’s Been A Month Since We Have Been Apart. I Miss Her Like Rain In The Dessert. The Most Luck I I Have Had Is Just A Simple Text, Saying I Hope Your Ok Have A Good Day....Call Me If You Get Board___Or Have A GoodNight Thinking of YOU!!! MISS YOU A BUNCH. SO IF THERE IS ONLY THING I CAN TELL EVERYONE HERE KEEP YOUR HEAD UP....Im Sure I Can Win Her Back. But Time Is A Big Factor. O And The Issue Was Nothing Bad Just My Stress level. So Into The First Place Don’t Take You’re Better Half For GranitE. Any Advice Would Be Helpful. Sorry About The Caps I Don’t Know What’s Going On hahaha
  • António: For me it worked! , I got her back after 6 weeks of No Contact!
    But I think that it works if you really use it to work on yourself, so when you confront your ex you are as open as possible but in control of your emotions and thoughts.
    Somehow I think that you have to use that period to rebuild your own structure alone, and become ( even if it looks strange ), capable of being alone, not needing your ex to be happy.
    This is paradoxal, but I believe that’s the only option you have.
    You have to deal with the unknown and allow yourself to trust that if it’s meant to be it will be!
  • Johnny Nicks: Antonio, how do you know she would not have come back anyhow? And dont take this the wrong way, but it is not getting back that is the issue, it is staying together, which means fixing what went wrong last time. Good luck.
  • banshee:

    If you do no contact and the ex comes back, it’s highly likely he or she was coming back anyway, because they *wanted* to come back - not because you stopped talking to them. When you think of it, NC is not the behavior of someone who hopes for a rekindled relationship. It’s the behavior of someone who accepts that it’s over and wants to get over his ex. If that isn’t you, don’t do NC. It’s much better to stay in touch now and then, even if you’re not sure you want to get back with your ex. Talking is better than not talking if you want to be on good terms with someone. 

  • henry: I really struggle to allow those 3 weeks to move away. My thing is, I know I love this woman and I know she loved me as much as I do. Things have changed but it can be salvaged I think. I usually give a couple hours no contact with a woman I do not want to lose. I feel if I get everything out right away, leaving her with those thoughts of how much I long for her.She will come back to me if she is meant for me. We have been through 2 almost breakups before this one. But this is the first time she didn’t come back within a couple hours and I fear I have dug myself into a hole. Yet I still feel if she truly thinks and realizes how good things can be we can come back with a fresh start.
  • pinkypie: I dont agree with the no contact thing...i think its childish to be honest. I think that if youre really trying to get over someone, its the only thing you can do. But if youre wanting a reconciliation its not great. I think to limit contact is good. And to be friendly. But if you text or call with no reply...dont bother them. Let you. Its best to defriend/unfollow from social media...etc...that will torture you. But dont cut off compleat contact.
  • faststart: This post is beautiful and hopeful. It’s almost a month since we broke up and I’m still in a lot of pain.
  • Sam: I reconnected with a friend from primary school after 14years. He popped up on my birthday last year on FB n we started talking!
    Within weeks I knew I wanted him but he lived far n thought it wouldn’t work but we tried. After few months he got job and returned to work meaning he moved back home wit parents and by me.
    First 6 months were good however my psycho would argue over girls as I’m always insecure.
    Things just dwindled he said every time I ended it he cared less, every time I accused he bothered less, he stopped wanting to touch me n I felt I was losing him but more I tried more insecure I was feeling.
    We were both stubborn and when I’d fall out and be dramatic I wouldn’t message him for week n then two and hope he would reply he used to but slowly stopped so I would chase him.
    His job became priority n he said he was always tired when I wanted to do stuff but then he could go on binging weekends and weekends out with family.
    I don’t no how it changed but we fizzled out but he treated me like a princess and I deystroyed it with my psycho behaviour insecurities n u gratefulness.
    I have done the NC it’s been 6 weeks. When we met to confirm it was over he couldn’t look me in eye or confirm what he wanted so I said I’d do it for him. A week later I messaged if we had any chance as he said ‘he didn’t know’ he responded he thought we cleared it up when we met that it would never work. But he didn’t.
    We agreed we would message at Christmas, it has now been he didn’t message. I unfriended him on FB n just made him aware it would be temporary but now he’s completely blocked me and I don’t get why!
    I’m trying to let go and I can’t I am really really struggling as no matter what I know or what people tell me I’m hoping I get him back. I love him with all my heart.
  • Antonio: The most important thing, Sam is to not allow this situation make you forget of yourself! Use the time to work on you, using your intuition and not rationalizing too much the situation! Make yourself free and anything can happen ;)
  • Sam: Friends say ‘work on myself’ it’s not clear how. I’m constantly bugging them on messaging or going out with fear of being alone as when I am I just think over n over and can’t sleep. I got counselling for how I behave as I don’t want to be a psychotic mad woman who does not trust anyone. But it’s one of those situations I have no control so just have to keep hurting until I find a way to let go something I can’t seem to do. 1 day I say have then next I feel heartbroken again. I’ve lost a perfect gentleman n I changed him to want nothing to do with me. N now I’m moaning about it. Thank you for ur advice Antonio
    The website is really helpful it is straight to the point. No matter how much u no the truth until our mindset changes things won’t improve. I find it mad how guys seem to deal with break ups with ease when few months before this one was on about marriage etc.
  • Johnny Nicks: Sam
    Do some exciting things you have not done before, some really challenging things that you are not sure you can achieve..Keep a journal of your ups and downs, and record the triggers for them and then do more of the things that cause the ups, and less of the downs. When you achieve your challenges, record how you feel in your journal and feel good about yourself :)
  • Sam: Aw that’s a nice idea Johnny I will give it a go. Thank you
  • Serenity65: I don’t think people should go No Contact... Everyone is pushing that now but I don’t see how leaving the person who dumped you alone can help get them back... You should limit contact def. check in now and again and keep lines of communication open... Just my take on it
  • Sam: Thanks. It’s been since October now. There was no way of keeping contact he’s blocked me from everything possible and I emailed him in March with no response quite shocking how it can go from one extreme to another. Still miss him n think about him everyday but he’s prob with someone else so I just wish him well n keep going with other things in my life.
    So yep no contact doesn’t get them bk in my view.
  • Serenity65: I agree
  • Serenity65: Sorry its been so difficult, my bf broke up with me in Dec. And we talked a little off and on, then nothing for along time, now he texting me "Good morning have a good day" like 3 times a week but thats all he text, very confusing 😞
  • Antonio: Serenity, that’s why the no contact works, is a kind of an emotional shield, so you find yourself confused with actions you can’t understand and you don’t have to understand even ( texting good morning as an example). You will never understand certain things in love and special in human behavior, it’s a complex formula of emotional and a rational chemistry! No contact is for me a form of emotional shield nothing more!

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