Will I get her back

this is my first post on a forum like this and i’m sorry if it doesn’t seem like much of a problem because compared to some on here i suppose a 3 month relationship doesn’t seem like a big deal but i’m totally head over heels for this girl. I also apologise if this post is long.

Ever since me met and started going out there was this amazing connection between us and we both have commented on it and how we’re so glad to have met each other. I’ve never ever felt like this about anyone before (I’m 31 years old incase you think I’m a teenager). I know from her talking about her past marridge and relationships that she’s never been treated well by a guy and she can’t believe what a nice guy I am. I’m not trying to be arrogant that’s genuinely what she’s told me time and time again. She had confided in me with things she’s not even told some of her friends too because she’s felt so comfortable with me.

She did tell me a while back that she’s not as sure about the relationship and thinks her feelings for me might just be the feeling of a very good friendship and perhaps that’s what she wants. Then she must just be confused because she can’t bare to think of me with someone else and can’t bare not to have me in her life so we carried on as we were but then she broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I was gutted and went through 4 days of hell before we met up and she said she;d been through the same hell and that actually she does want to go out with each other again. I was over the moon as you can imagine and the day before I went on holiday for a week (the trip was booked before the relationship started) we had one of the best days we’ve ever spent with each other. Had a real heart to heart and such a romantic day I really thought we’d turned a corner.

I came back from holiday and it was fantastic to see each other again but then the next day the dreaded call came saying that she loves me so much and doesn’t want to risk hurting me further down the line when she’s still so confused about her feelings so she thinks it’s best if we end it. I know she wants to be friends but she agreed to give me some space. I know she’s really upset about it and even after the breakup in the 2 e-mails we swapped she said that she must have something wrong with her because no guy has ever treated her the way I do, I’m perfect for her and everything she’s ever wanted but yet she still doesn’t feel that extra something that you need to feel for a relationship or rather she feels it sometimes but not always.

By chance I bumped into her last night (after 5 days apart) and we had a good chat and by the way she looked at me I could tell that she still likes me and she even said that she thinks fate is pushing us back together. I just replied that I don’t think we should have that conversation and changed the subject.

My dilemma is that I know this is silly and wrong but I’ve agreed to go out for drinks with her in 2 weeks time. I called her and said that if we’re going to be friends we’ll need to be able to see each other and did she fancy meeting up but in a couple of weeks. I know that evening is going to be so hard but is it too soon for us to meet again and am I ever going to get her back?

I still feel that its right and we should be together because 2 people who feel the way we do should be together and she may well have changed her mind and want to get back too in a couple of weeks or perhaps that’s my wishfull thinking. It’s also in my mind that if she does want to get back together again what should I do because I could just be lining myself up for he changing her mind for a third time and then I’ll be uhis is my first post on a forum like this and i’m sorry if it doesn’t seem like much of a problem because compared to some on here i suppose a 3 month relationship doesn’t seem like a big deal but i’m totally head over heels for this girl. I also apologise if this post is long.

Ever since me met and started going out there was this amazing connection between us and we both have commented on it and how we’re so glad to have met each other. I’ve never ever felt like this about anyone before (I’m 31 years old incase you think I’m a teenager). I know from her talking about her past marridge and relationships that she’s never been treated well by a guy and she can’t believe what a nice guy I am. I’m not trying to be arrogant that’s genuinely what she’s told me time and time again. She had confided in me with things she’s not even told some of her friends too because she’s felt so comfortable with me.

She did tell me a while back that she’s not as sure about the relationship and thinks her feelings for me might just be the feeling of a very good friendship and perhaps that’s what she wants. Then she must just be confused because she can’t bare to think of me with someone else and can’t bare not to have me in her life so we carried on as we were but then she broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I was gutted and went through 4 days of hell before we met up and she said she;d been through the same hell and that actually she does want to go out with each other again. I was over the moon as you can imagine and the day before I went on holiday for a week (the trip was booked before the relationship started) we had one of the best days we’ve ever spent with each other. Had a real heart to heart and such a romantic day I really thought we’d turned a corner.

I came back from holiday and it was fantastic to see each other again but then the next day the dreaded call came saying that she loves me so much and doesn’t want to risk hurting me further down the line when she’s still so confused about her feelings so she thinks it’s best if we end it. I know she wants to be friends but she agreed to give me some space. I know she’s really upset about it and even after the breakup in the 2 e-mails we swapped she said that she must have something wrong with her because no guy has ever treated her the way I do, I’m perfect for her and everything she’s ever wanted but yet she still doesn’t feel that extra something that you need to feel for a relationship or rather she feels it sometimes but not always.

By chance I bumped into her last night (after 5 days apart) and we had a good chat and by the way she looked at me I could tell that she still likes me and she even said that she thinks fate is pushing us back together. I just replied that I don’t think we should have that conversation and changed the subject.

My dilemma is that I know this is silly and wrong but I’ve agreed to go out for drinks with her in 2 weeks time. I called her and said that if we’re going to be friends we’ll need to be able to see each other and did she fancy meeting up but in a couple of weeks. I know that evening is going to be so hard but is it too soon for us to meet again and am I ever going to get her back?

I still feel that its right and we should be together because 2 people who feel the way we do should be together and she may well have changed her mind and want to get back too in a couple of weeks or perhaps that’s my wishfull thinking. It’s also in my mind that if she does want to get back together again what should I do because I could just be lining myself up for he changing her mind for a third time and then I’ll be u[set and hurt again. We’ve both been in tears the two previous times we’ve had to do that and I don’t really want to do it for a third time.

Sorry this post is so long but I’m after some advice and some other thoughts on my situation and my chances of getting her back and having a long relationship with her which is what I want.

Yes, you had a three-month relationship with her, but her previous relationships have influenced what she thinks relationships are. You may have moved too quickly for her, especially if she hasn't been treated as well before she had been with you. Hence, she is confused between a relationship and a friendship. She may have changed her mind constantly because she may not be ready to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to make a decision either way. I think that she wants to see you more often before she commits.

Thanks Guy,

So should I just go with "being friends" for now and see what happens in the future. It will be really hard for me but i'm just wondering if i'm lining myself up to get hurt all over again.

I don't know how badly she has been treated, so yes, the risk of getting yourself hurt again is there. She has got to sort herself out before getting involved. It's up to you if you want to be a part of that or not.

I think i'd like to be able to help her and be there for her and ultimatly we may end up being together. I think it'll be interesting to see her in a couple of weeks and see where my head is then. I did promise than in time i'd try to be friends and i'll keep that promise but I did say at the time of the breakup that i'm not sure if a friendship can work if I still really want more.....which obviously I do.

Thanks for the advice.

You're welcome. Feel free to return.

Update.

I think i've been a bit stupid. I've now by accident bumped into my ex a couple of times at the gym (which is where we met). I don't want to stop going because i'm trying to lose weight.

The first time on Sat was a but wierd at first and I stuck to my guns of being a friend but she was quite flirty and even said that she feels fate is pushing us back togwether, I changed the subject and said I don't think we should have that conversation. Then again last night I bumped into her - this is purely by chance i'm not a mad stalker or anything like that.

Only last night we were chatting as friends at first and getting on well but then I was the one who started getting a bit flirty. Then I suggested we have a drink after and she said yes so we were chatting and then I walked her to her car and I said come here and give me a hug which she did and it was a long hug, then we both looked at each other - this is the point when we would have normally kised, I went to kiss her and she moved away.

Now I just feel really stupid and feel like i've ruined my own plan. What I wanted to do was just have minimal contact until we go out for a drink in a couple of weeks and then she'd (hopefull) see what she was missing.

Have I ruined it?

She tossed the line and you bit the hook. I don't think that she will feel like she misses you now that she knows that you've been wanting her all this time. Still, maybe the hug is something for her to think about unless she's not the type to think about much.

Go watch the movie, "500 Days of Summer"

It's enlightening about girls and their inconsistency with their feelings.

So are you basically saying move on and don't hold your breath even if I have minimal contact until I see her again in 2 weeks.

I think i'm going to find it really hard to just be friends at least in the short term because as last night proved I need to wait until i'm in a place when I don't want to kiss her at the end of a night. I really do feel stupid for giving in and doing that.

Two weeks! Surely you can resist that long.

Oh yes of course I can resist for 2 weeks (although there's every chance i'll bump into her again).

What I'm asking though is have I blown any chance of getting back with her in 2 weeks already?

Absolutely not!

Here's the deal, Phil:

You have only known her for three months and as Guy indicated she is trying to sort things out based on previous relationships. She is asking herself, "Could this be real? This guy seems to good to be true. When is the anvil going to drop?"

Above all, you have not blown it by any stretch of the imagination. The key here is to keep her PULLING towards you and this my friend, only comes with time. Assess what her needs are when you meet in two weeks but you will have to identify if her needs are what you need.

You guys hit it off great and that is definitely a shot in the arm for a "true" loving relationship to exist down the road. She is unsure at this point and may be uneasy and somewhat afraid of getting hurt herself. She doesn't want to fall for you and then have a bomb of disappointment blow up in her face.

Always look at the positive in any new relationship (for the record, any relationship under 6 months, whether friends or otherwise, should be deemed as new) and accept this friendship as a chance to grow into something more.

Also, her rejection of your kiss is not a rejection of you; it is a uncertainty of her feelings. She wanted to kiss you but was afraid of the confusion it would cause in her mindset. If she would have accepted the kiss she would have thought, "Wow..that kiss was great...but now I am all confused and we are supposed to be friends. Friends don't kiss like that...blah, blah, blah,"...LOL!

My suggestion is to make her WANT the friendship first. How do you do that? Don't advance...let HER do it. You just remain calm and aloof, especially in two weeks when you meet with her.

Thanks Jayspop. I know it ,ay seem like i'm asking stupid questions but its just doing my head in just now.

That's ok Phil...

When those heart strings get to pulling sometimes it is difficult to assess what is really going on between two people.

We always want everything to be like the movies...that "Happily Ever After" before we even get through the opening credits...LOL!

ALWAYS look for the opportunity to enhance the friendship, not disturb it. It is an emotional balance that needs to be nurtured with some crucial logic at times.

Believe me, I have made the mistake of being "Emotional Man" at the wrong time and to this day I still regret it.

Please let us know how you are doing in the next few weeks and best wishes to you.

There is one thing I meant to ask before. Although we didn't meet on the internet the girl i'm talking about knows I was on a dating site in the past and whenever i.ve spoken to her she keeps bringing it up and asking if i'm going back on the site. i know she checks it too to see if I am and she keeps telling me that she won't let it affect our friendship is I do and that she has no reason to be upset about it because she is the one who ended it.


i think it might be too soon to re join the site but ALL of my mates are saying to forget her and start dating again to help me move on. given that i.ve agreed to stay friends with my ex and we're meeting for drinks next weekend would it jeapodise my chances of getting her back if I did go on the dating site and went ona date.

although the idea of mving on would be good and in keeping with the whole stay calm and aloof plan my main goal is to try and win her back.

thanks for the great advicw so far.

Hey Phillip-

This is where logic could never be more vital to use in this situation. There are a few facts that need to be addressed here that I know you are aware of "logically", however your emotional tie to her has you thinking the opposite of what you should be doing with regards to this matter.

For starters, isn't she the one who broke up with you, set you free, or otherwise fractured your heart? Take your time in answering this...I want you to be open and honest. Please tell me that this is correct...LOL! Plus, she told you directly, that she won't let it affect your friendship with her.

If these points are valid then why would it be a crime, sinister or otherwise ruin your chances of getting her back by going out on a first date with a new friend?...and someone you don't even know?...and from a dating site?...which by the way, always winds up being an "interview" date anyway. Really...how much progress is really made from an "online" first date?

I say all that to say this...logically, it doesn't matter about the date at all. It's not like you are looking to "score" with this date...how do I know that? Look where your heart is right now. Do you understand? Emotionally speaking, you are thinking that it will screw things up. Logically speaking, it just makes perfect sense.

Guess what? She sees it as perfect sense too. But here's the catch that you'll get from the hook. Because YOU were logical in this, SHE will get emotional, which creates her attraction for you and this, my friend, WILL draw her to you...BINGO!

It is counter-intuitive...you do the opposite of what you think you should do.

I suggest you create "new" friendships, even if they are "online" and date if you are comfortable with it. It isn't going to hurt and it will boost your self-esteem and confidence in the process as well.

Another point I want to make is that you have history with her and a great friendship/relationship to boot. Do you really think that she wants to be relegated to the same rank as the other "girl" friends you acquire? Not a snowball chance in Arizona! Trust me, she wants to remain a special part in your life.

You're on the right track here, Phillip because you are, instinctively, asking the right questions.

The greatest part of all...these actions are actually a stepping stone to winning her back.

Thanks.

I suppose I should say that I did go back on the website the day we broke up but then came off again a day later because it probably was too soon. I know she was checking the website and saw me and you're right her emotion did take over and she wasn't very happy.

I'll recify that later though and go back on there.

That IS a step in the right direction. That was then...this is now.

Emotional change is always eminent, but logic never wavers.

Keep us posted!

Hi I thought i'd just post an update because i'm actually finding it really hard pretending everything is ok when I see my ex. I bumped into her at the gymagain and it was really akward but i kept my cool and left before her just saying I had some work to do. I also made a point of saying that I'm going out at the weekend for a drink with some mates.

Then she phones me much later to check that I'm ok and not feeling akward and of course I lied and said I was perfectly fine with it. then she started talking about a problem that only I know about and thats exactly what I didn't want to happen. As much as I want her back I feel like if i'm still friends with her and acting cool with it she's getting what she wants which is my support and friendship like when we were going out but just without the kissing and cuddling. i suppose i can take some comfort from the fact i told her I had plenty to do including go out on sat night and whenI asked her what she was up to she sounded really down and said she has no plans.

What I actually wanted to say was that she dumped me and yes in time we could be friends but she can't expect me to be there for her like I was before because I need time. i'm scared that after next Friday night which will be so hard to try and act cool I'm just going to turn round and tell her I can.t see her at all for a while. That totally goes against the advice of pull her towards you and make her want the friendship because she seems to think she already has that. she even sent me a text to say that she's glad our friendship is ok. In fact in all of her last 3 messages she's mentioned the friendship so is this her actually worrying that she's going to lose that and seeing what I say. of course i.m lying and saying the frienship is fine.

i'm so confused between what I really want to do which is tell her she can't have me at all because she dumped me and she can't have all her own way. When we were going out my feelings would have come second but now its time to look after number 1 for a change which would make me feel better for about 5 minutes. Or doing what could get her back which is pretending i've moved on and am ok with being her friend and I feel fine. The only trouble with this is its so hard because whenever i'm with her I just want her back.

why do these things have to be so hard.

Hey Phillip-

I knew you would come to this crossroad, but it's ok. The friendship zone is a difficult one. That is why I have explained this "uncomfort" zone in past posts in that you never know if your emotions can handle it until you are thrust into this position.

Well...there is the alternative...no contact at all...do you want that?

This is how it is going to have to be...listen carefully...either you are going to pay now or pay later.

Either you get her completely out of your system with "no contact" and go dating or you continue the friendship and slowly ease your way back into her heart. The choice is totally yours to decide.

Unfortunately, you will not know how you will react emotionally by choosing the former option of "no contact" mentioned above either. But I will also say that getting her out of your system will allow you to come back and be her friend without cupid looking over your shoulder.

The bright side to all of this is that at least you have options.

By the way, she is PULLING towards you because she is calling you. I'm telling you...you re creating the attraction...you just have to play it cool and calm by keeping your emotions in check.

I agree, she shouldn't get your emotional support and time because she did dump you. You have every right to say to her, "I can't continue to be just a friend with you because my heart gets in the way."

It's going to come down to who gives in first. Stay strong dude...she'll love you for it.

Some guys don't even have that.

But if i do tell her that I want to be a friend to her but she can't have all of my emotional support just now because its too soon. isn't that going agintst being cool and aloof because it shows that i've not moved on yet.

would it damage my chances if I actually told her that I'm still not sure if the frienship can work. i really want it to and i'll try it hence seeing her at the gym and agreeing to go out for drinks on Friday..

i also think the fact she keeps mentioning the friendship in all of her messages is because she seen that my reaction is a bit more distant and perhaps she.s fearfull of losing them friendship.

i hope this makes sense.

I think the thing I'm getting at is that I want to still pull her towards me but I also want I suppose to punish her by not giving the full emotional support. i want her to feel like she's lost something and I'm worried that she doesn't feel like this at the moment.

No it would not go against being cool and aloof but it will show her that you haven't moved on, which is ok. She WANTS to see your heart in all of this.

The bottom line; you can be cool and aloof without moving on. I am dealing with that now and I haven't talked to my ex in 6 months.

Woman are harder to figure out than guys. She is looking at everything from a logical point of view, whence you are the looking at it as the romantic guy who wants to sweep her off her feet.

Any way you look at it, you have been relegated to "friend" status in her eyes for now because she is proclaiming that you guys are not "an item". Don't be so sure of this because I would venture to say that you are closer to her than any guy she knows.

If and only if, you want to maintain the friendship, and based on the nature of your feelings towards her, you will need to tell her that the friendship is difficult for you because of the intense emotions that are stirring inside. I would not recommend that you give her an ultimatum of getting back together.

This has to be her choice and it will only PUSH her away if you force the issue.

Oh yeah...she definitely doesn't want to lose the friendship.

just be patient and give the friendship a little more time.

I certainly don't want to give her an ultimatum but I want her to know that I'm finding the friendship hard and i'd like to make her think that it may still not work. i basically want her to feel a sense of loss too.

is this right.

i'm not sure if i'll tell her this by fb this weekend or wait until Friday evening and tell her then face to face. Any suggestios.

Thanks again BTW for your help.